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::: WARNING::: depressing content

Feb 15, 2016 11:42 PM

I hit a funk low tonight. My pain has decided to scrape along every nerve my skin is on fire. I've slept on and off for three or four days and nights.... My life is nothing but pain pills and sleep. I have no idea why my bf is even still with me, I bring NOTHING to the table, but my illness and my inability to do anything. What happened to my life? I'm only 43 years old. I know there are those in here who are so young and that should make me feel better, but it makes me feel worse! And then to be treated like a criminal by doctors and ppl in charge like I ASKED to be this way. I am hanging by a stupid thread and wondering why I even bother to hold on. I'm too much of a coward to let go, but what good am I just dangling to my sanity.... I find myself wondering things that I shouldn't, things that would cause more pain to those around me but omg I'm so freaking tired and I don't know where to turn or what do. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity or even help, I just needed an outlet. Why does it have to hurt so much just to breathe and be conscious?

Feb 15, 2016 11:53 PM

Sometimes it just does Phoenix. Be pissed ,be fed up , be angry Be exhausted Be emotional be fragile be afraid Be irrational Be out of control Be depressed
You are having a very human experience, as messed up as you feel the situations are, all of this will change , it will pass. Whether you are repressed, depressed, or happy or whatever, it will change.
I am with ya,and you freaking matter!

Feb 16, 2016 12:47 AM

I feel the same way because I can't never get anything for my pain. And with no insurance I can't see certain specialists and I just have anxiety every day on how much pain I'm going to be in. You might want to see a therapist so you have someone to talk to and a psychologist for some anxiety depression meds. I'm on a lot but it helped me a lot. I'm on cymbalta for depression and for pain, seroquel and buspar for anxiety and remeron for sleep.

Feb 16, 2016 12:48 AM

We going to hang in there together, I'm in the hospital now in the Heart unit. And I'm like ugh I can't deal, but I have too.

Feb 16, 2016 1:27 AM

I had all those things. BTW I'm coming off of Cymbalta now. It's horrifying. I no longer have insurance, my shrink is trying to help me, but with no income because my disability is in appeal and so is my ltd....I get to be in withdrawals as well as everything else. It's like trying to dig a hole in a mud pit in a downpour. I keep digging, but the sides keep caving in. Then the ppl who are supposed to be helping me (SSDI, long term disability, medicaid, etc) just started shoveling more mud on my head and shouting at me that I'm not making progress because I'm too lazy, not disabled, in my head, trying to get pills, exaggerating.... Take your pick, I've heard them all.. sometimes from "friends". Anyway, apparently this is my new life. Woohoo. Ain't I glad I hung around for this.

Feb 16, 2016 2:17 AM

I am in the same boat, this royally sucks. Every freaking day I hurt, I take pills, I do my stretches, for what I ask you? I am the obvious elephant in the room at work and family functions. I lie to everyone and say I'm great. My mom said to me, "you seem loopy! " I'm thinking lady, I wish I was dead right now. Just awful, terrible thoughts, but true. Just another painful day, eh :(

Feb 16, 2016 6:24 AM

I think we all feel like that, had my benefits taken from me as they say I can work also in late October my dad who was my best friend passed away. He used to take me to my doctor or hospital appointments. I had been housebound for a few years but was finally leaving the house going shopping with pops etc. I spent 3 years just sleeping as the facial pain was so bad. It would last 3-4 days then go away for a couple of days before returning. Before that I was working, had been travelling, had looked after my nan and uncle who had, had a stroke. I also get bad thoughts sometimes wishing that I never wake up as it feels as if I am just existing and not living. This has been ongoing for 10+ years and I am only 46. I was healthy until I went for my 6 month dentist check up.

Feb 16, 2016 2:34 PM

Yes, Phoenix!! You absolutely DO matter. You bring a lot to the table and you need not be so hard on yourself. Like Terri said, all of this WILL change. Scream, cry, curse.. LOUDLY!! Whine, sleep, rant! It's ok, you're ok. And know that no matter what, I'm here for you as is the entire pain family... Also, if you've only got a thread, take my hand, it's strong enough to hold you.. I've got spare rope, you can use mine. Hang on Hon!! Besides, you just brought me a shiny new tambourine and without you to hide it from me would be no fun!! Lots of love and {{{Hugs}}}💕🙏🏻🌻

Feb 16, 2016 3:31 PM

It is ridiculous how badly people treat people in pain. I've heard from so many people that getting disability is ridiculous. It's so WRONG!! And Cymbalta is EVIL!!!!! I.HATE.CYMBALTA!!!! It is a terrible drug!!! I'm so sorry you are going through withdrawal- it's terrible. Your lows right now are worse because of the withdrawls. Its hard to know that and not still feel the crappy side effects though! I'm glad your Bf is there for you. You MUST bring something to the table for him to be there for you. Rage and scream like others said, but don't doubt yourself. The system and others being a**holes doesn't make you a bad person! It makes it stupidly harder to be the person you know you can be, but those who care know you and care for you!

Feb 16, 2016 7:24 PM

Cymbalta made me hurt worse and have suicidal ideations. Then they weaned me off too quickly and I literally became a basket case. It was the worst antidepressant I've ever taken. It likely has a lot to do with you feeling so bad and negative, it seems to be a common side effect. You do have a lot to offer, you are important. Things won't always be so hard. Hopefully it will start turning around sooner han later, and little by little you'll feel better. Just keep reaching out for help, and let us help hold you up when it seems too hard. Hugs, love, and prayers, that those who have promised to help will soon come through for you! 🙂🙏💕🌼

Feb 17, 2016 11:53 AM

Phoenix, our quality of life is a lot to be desired. And I too have fallen into that pit of taking pain meds and just wanting to sleep. But you are blessed to have someone who cares. Obviously you bring happiness to the life of others. I would like us all to sign a virtual contract that no matter how bad it gets and how badly we feel that we will never do anything to "let go". You and everyone in here is valuable. Obviously, we have more to give and more to do even if those that we deal with...can feel touch and see do not realize it. We are going through these trials and valleys for a reason. We may not know the reason right now and it may be a long road to travel...but we are not alone. So hold on friend. Hold on.

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