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A bit about myself

Aug 13, 2016 9:28 PM

Seeing as though in my description, i could only write so much so i decided to write it all here. My name is Mark, from Adelaide in Australia. I am married with a 2 year old daughter.I have a pretty fucked back and sciatica. Ive had it for about 7 or 8 months now and to be honset, im over it. Im on a waiting list to see a surgeon and the quicker the better. For about 2 months i was wherlchair bound a i could not walk, even with help. I went from working about 50 hrs a week to being stuck lying down in pain not being able to do anything. All of a sudden everything was put onto my wife and it really played with my head. I was in that much pain i was suicidal. I would often go into a different room to break down into tears as i felt useless and unable to support my family. It took a breakdown in the shower for me to come forward and tell my wife my thoughts. I was going to take all the meds i had at the time (which was a lot) that night just so i couldnt feel the excruciating pain i was in anymore. Only 2 things stopped me, my daughter and my wife. If i was single i would have done it without a doubt. So the next day i wrnt to the Drs and got put on anti-depressants which has helped me mentally. Im still on a lot of pain meds to get through each day but i am slowly getting a little better. It still gets to me emotionally that i cant pick up and cuddle my daughter but we can cuddle when im lying down which makes me happy. Anyway im just taking it day by day and hope i can see my surgeon soon. Thanks for reading my post if you have got this far lol.

Aug 14, 2016 12:04 AM

I think you'll find that a lot of us either are, or have been, in that darkest of lows you describe. When I was my physically healthy self, I couldn't even imagine how anyone could even contemplate suicide. Enter chronic pain. I found myself bed ridden, not able to move, and not contributing to my family. And the pain. It was relentless. My meds lowered my pain levels from unbearable to excruciating. I gained a greater compassion and understanding for those who opt out.

I had to redefine my sense of self worth. I had to learn to love myself just because I am me, and not because of what I contribute or accomplish in any given day. I learned that there are ways I can build special relationships with my children BECAUSE of my illness. I do art projects with my daughter. I'm propped up on pillows on my bed, she hauls in the supplies and then we talk while we create. I read stories with my youngest, and we've started a new game where we make up our own adventure stories. Every day I try to be a rainbow uni-kitty that burps bubbles and farts rainbows. He's eight and finds this creature of my imagination too "girly and embarrassing" to be allowed. We've had some fun with shadow puppets. My point is, change the way you're thinking about contributing. I would have given anything to spend time as the focus of my daddy's attention. Right now (for an unpleasant reason) all you have is time. Devote it to making your daughter Feel like the center of your universe.

For a time I was angry, and I took it out on my amazing husband. I resented the fact that he was doing what I wished I still could. I was so very wrong. Now I make every effort to tell him how amazing he is. I thank him, and I talk to him. I tell him how hard it is for me. We are stronger for it.

Physically, I am stronger now. I spend less time in bed and even go entire days without a nap! This is a big deal. That being said, my diseases are chronic. I will be swallowing supplements and speaking out doctors and staying on top of research and treatments for the rest of my life. I have no choice in the matter. What I do get to choose is the attitude with which I greet each new day and each new challenge. Grieve for what you've lost and then move on to the best life you can have!

Aug 14, 2016 12:20 AM

FatiguedFighter.... Thankyou for taking tge time to read and comment. I do try to look at the positives but sometimes its hard. I am making the most of the time i can with my daughter. We have coloured in so many Peppa Pig things you wouldn't believe lol. I am trying my hardest everyday but dometimes it feels like I've taken a few steps back but i see that as a way to try and work harder to get back to where i was.

Aug 14, 2016 12:50 AM

There is no question that it is hard. For me, I still have to make a conscious decision every day to be positive. Sometimes more than once a day!

Eight years ago I blew out my ACL. The surgery to replace it left me with severe nerve damage. I completely lost my mobility. There I was, 32 yrs old, new baby, using a cane as I hobbled about. It took years to get back to full mobility - but I got there! Never underestimate the power of a stubborn woman πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

It sounds to me like you've got the grit (and the motivation) to fight your way back. One day at a time.

Aug 14, 2016 3:49 AM

Hi Mark..⚘. hi FF... ⚘
what u sayπŸ€” rings that truth bell for me too... i have had 😊to make a concious decision to be happy and upliftedπŸ€—... iits taken me 14 yrs to get hereπŸ˜₯... but i am that 'bollox-2-the-world" kinda girl...πŸ˜› stubborn 😜...pig headed...πŸ‘… bloody minded fighter. πŸ˜„So i choose to live life llaughing in the face πŸ˜†of adversity... ihave 4 kids... if they werent here.. i woulda offed myself yrs ago... 😏im not angry at the world...πŸ˜‰ i chose to inspire a giggle.πŸ˜‰.. even tho sometimmes i am breaking inside!πŸ˜‹ Its so hard to to stay positive πŸ€”...but we should never give up! We have eachother... and we really do care... thats what is so special πŸ€—

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