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A huge thnx to Flappyslady and weezie!!

Oct 16, 2015 8:27 AM

I just want to thank you for the prayyers and words of encouragement yesterday. Also for talking me into working in a plan to help the hubs understand. I talked to him a little last night but he doesn't handle my tears well and decided he needed to take care of the cattle. I need to be able to talk to him when I know I won't cry. We'll get there with your prayers.
You have no idea how much you helped me out of a pit. I was so frustrated and down with a good solid month of combined pain with several of my health issues. I started back on prednisone this morning and already feel much better than I've been. I still had a lot of bad pain but it suddenly just lifted! I don't think that's all due to prednisone. I think it's more due to your prayers. I could feel that someone was praying for me. Still feeling them. Thank you, THANK YOU! I will continue my prayers for you all daily. Love and hugs!! God bless you all! I kmow now that I'm at the right place!

Oct 16, 2015 2:57 PM

Sleepingbeauty, I'm thankful you feel better and more have the focus & faith to face talking with your husband. You are so very welcome! God will help you find the words, and he will help you to express it with less years, but also help your husband have the strength to handle any tears that flow, to be able to feel compassion and just let you cry it out if needed. He will strengthen your relationship through this, if you both trust him to do so. In Jesus's name! 🙏🌼

Oct 16, 2015 7:52 PM

I know this post was not directed at me but I could not help but read. I cannot talk about my pain with certain people without tears. Those people are my doctors and my spouse. He either needs to get tougher and deal with the tears and listen to you with compassion and empathy or maybe a different approach to the communication could be helpful. Such as in writing or even text or IM. I know that may sound silly, but I fell in love with my husband over IM 14 years ago. So I am sure it could be a way to communicate if he is having trouble with it. I know it is none of my business, but I wish you the best. Men do not handle things the way women do. I will say a prayer for you both.

Oct 16, 2015 8:26 PM

I agree with saphire, I communicate with my bf through text because he is incapable of communicating face to face sometimes. And when it comes to remembering important things, he has to have it written down or he doesn't quite get it. Part of it is being a man part of it is his ADD. BUT the fact remains we get frustrated, and some of us cry, some of us cry because we are not being heard. I'm sorry your husband like that about tears. I understand. My boyfriend is like that as well.

Sending you lots of prayers

Oct 16, 2015 8:53 PM

Thanks sapphire and kitty. I appreciate the supportive words of encouragement. I'm praying about it too. I think he forgets I'm not what I used to be. He'll come around to a better place with it, hopefully. Thank you all so much!

Oct 16, 2015 8:59 PM

My heart is with you. I know what it is like to be with someone who doesn't understand. Sometimes seeing the words in writing can help him really "see". And let me tell you it is hard to see your loved one in pain that you can do nothing about.

Oct 17, 2015 3:03 AM

My ex-husband and I are still together, because I can't legally kill him. Teasing. Our biggest issue was my health. I looked ok. When we got back together we each made a deal breakers list. I have the lists Now we don't fight over me feeling awful. I wish we would have done the list instead of the divorce.

Oct 17, 2015 5:46 AM

Sleepingbeauty, I am sorry I was not here to offer my support in your time of need. I have been in bed myself with a blinding migraine and other pain that all of us are all too familiar with. I know that it's very difficult to speak about pain without tears. After all, it's certainly not how we expected our lives to turn out. Men do have a difficult time dealing with tears because most do not run on emotion like we do. I think that Sapphire and Kitty have a good idea with the IM or text but you know your hubby best and you will know when it's best to chat with him. Perhaps if you begin the conversation by telling him you know he has trouble feeling with your tears but it's hard for you and you need him to hear your words and not focus on your tears. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know that God will bring you the strength to pull you through and put you on a path to making things better. I'm sending you supportive {{{{Hugs}}}} and my prayers. I wish you all the very best. 💕🙏🏻🌻

Oct 17, 2015 6:01 AM

Thank you alwayzinpain! What a wonderful blessing this support group is! I am praying about this. I'm so glad that God kmows my heart because the exact words are sometimes to pour from my lips. He knows our every need and I'm thankful that he is always with us to listen when we can't find words. I'm planning to talk with my doctor about helping me to help him understand what even I can't since most of this has no rhyme or reason to it at all. Every day is a different pain (or multiple) in different places. You all are so right about never dreaming this would be our future!
I am praying for all of us. I'm so very sorry that you are hurting so much. My prayers will include relief for you today. Thank you!

Oct 17, 2015 6:41 AM

I would like to thank my catch my pain family for the best family ever I couldn't ever think of how helpful she is that's flappylady81@ and Wezzie and all the oldest members here not by age but by the time there here I feel like I've known you a long time I trust your words of wisdom too

Oct 17, 2015 6:43 AM

And allwayzinpain too

Oct 17, 2015 6:53 AM

Thanks Eddieray!! You just made my day. I'll always be here for you and all of my other peeps that I have grown so very fond of.💕

Oct 17, 2015 8:53 AM

I second everything Eddieray said! I'm a new member and I already feel at home here. Thanks to all of you!

Oct 17, 2015 6:34 PM

And I feel the same about all of you! Eddieray, I'm so glad you're getting back on, even if it is just a short while every day. You're missed.

Sleepingbeauty, I didn't even think about IM/texting with your hubby. But when I read all these responses, it's a great idea, and I'll tell you why. My hubby and I are about to celebrate our 34th anniversary, but we've had years where we just weren't getting along that great, we'd lost touch. About 20 years ago he got it in his head that buying me gifts was important. But he forgot about spending time with me or our girls. I was broken hearted as I'd tried to talk to him several times but it just wasn't sinking in. I sat down to write him a letter, but instead of came out as a poem. I put it in our anniversary card. When he read it he cried. In a downscaled version I told him I didn't want "diamonds or pearls, just show me you love me by living out girls.". I finally got through to him and since then there's nothing we haven't been able to discuss. Whether you text, IM, or write a letter, it may be easier to communicate. And you can let him know that crying is a common emotion for women, both in happiness and sadness. Good luck and God bless!

Hugs, love & prayers to ask of you! 🙏🌼

Oct 17, 2015 6:36 PM

living = loving

PS... AlwayZ I'm so sorry you've been having a rough time. You've been in my prayers to! 🙏🌼

Oct 17, 2015 11:17 PM

I have actually tried all these things. If he realizes that I'm sending a message that is serious in whatever aspect, he just closes the phone and continues on with whatever he was doing. Even when I send him love notes or messages. He may read those but never says a word. Not exactly a good communicator, Lol. I asked to go with him to check on a job today, he said yeah but hurry I'm leaving now, so I did. Enjoyed just getting out for a ride.
We talked about how beautiful the weather was, the leaves changing, all sorts of things, but as soon as I would say anything about my illness, (was hoping to ask him to go to an appt) or how I miss doing what I used to....silence. He just doesn't want to discuss it at all. I wish he knew how I need his support. Oh, he's good to me. A good Man. He works hard and is honest and all. He has never been one to lean on though. I love him but this is him. I have prayed so many times since I got sick, for his heart to have more awareness and empathy of my needs. Not that I want a pity party, I just need his arms around me and for him to show reasonable concern. It kills ne to have to ask for everything that I might need or need help with. Day before yesterday, I was hurting so bad. (The day he got irritated when I needed help) He didn't say he was keaving and ask me if I needed anything else. Came home mid-day, never came inside to check on me. I stay so cooped up anymore and hate having to drive an hour 2-3 x's a week to dr and therapy appts all alone. Honestly, most of the time, I really don't feel like it. I get afraid when I think about what happens when I get worse and well....anyway, I'm all alone out here. Sorry, probably way too much information here.

Oct 18, 2015 2:19 AM

Thanks Eddieraye, Flappsy,Alwayz andSleepingbeauty,and everyone else here. I feel like I was led here about a year and half ago. Flappsy, Alwayz, and Eddieraye were some of the first ones to reach out to me then, and it has been a God send to me,they have all listened to my ranting and raving,and offered sound advise. I feel like they are like sister's and brother's through Christ. If I have left anyone out it was unintentionally my Fibro fog. Sleeping beauty God will open the door when it is his time for you to talk to your husband.Ipray that he will open his heart to what you need to tell him. We claim it in Jesus ' s name Amen.

Oct 18, 2015 4:45 AM

Sleepingbeauty even I went Thur this too it's a hard thing but when you get ready to talk to him the truth shall set you right we've been married for 29 years and together for fourty years now and really been Thur the mills

Oct 18, 2015 7:19 AM

I've been married now for 18 looong years. My husband hasn't been very supportive, but it took a long time for him to believe my pain and understand it. As I read your comments, a few things occur to me: growing up in a neighborhood of mostly guys and having 3 brothers, my first thought is maybe he wants some times where you two don't bring up the problems. To we that suffer, it becomes such a significant part of our lives. To those around us, they're trying to stay afloat and hold us up, and exhausted from the constant focus on our illness and problems and meds and appointments and what have you, I know many guys would say please please let's have even one day a week where you don't talk about it. Maybe ask him if you'll agree to not talk about it for a day will he agree to talk about a little? Let him know your world shrinks because you don't feel well and try to understand if he is a good guy that he prob hurts bc you hurt and may need a break and some support himself. Maybe suggest online support group for family of ppl with pain or illness as it pertains to your situation. Many a guy has told me crying is terrifying. Sometimes they feel we're manipulating and so we cry if they knew women who did before you. Sometimes they feel awful they can't help. Many just have no idea what you want from them. Have you asked why? I'll pray for you both. It's very hard not to have support, but don't assume the worst unless he plain says he doesn't case, and remember men speak with their actions the loudest and if he's a good provider, if he holds you, if he's a stand up guy, chances are he cares. All the best!

Oct 18, 2015 7:21 AM

Plain says he doesn't care I meant oops!

Oct 18, 2015 8:38 AM

Thanks everyone. I guess I must have came across that I whine and complain all the time about my illnesses. I hardly talk about it because I know that really no one wants to hear it. But when it's unbearable, I need helo and suoport. He's all I have here. I'm not complaining at all about my husband. Just needed support and prayers from friends here that he can except it so that he'll be more aware of my needs as I am his. I take wonderful care of him. I can read every emotion he has inside. I said too much last night.

Oct 18, 2015 8:59 AM

Sleepingbeauty, know that we understand fully about not wanting to "bother" family and friends with our ailments. The thing is, it's NOT a bother at all. It's that they cannot comprehend what it is we are feeling because they, themselves don't feel what we do. I get what you mean by he's all you have but he's really not... You have US!! We do understand. We live it, breathe it, every day all day without reprieve. HERE is where you come when it's unbearable and you need that support and love and caring. It's here, it's genuine and it's always available. There is nobody saying that you're whining or complaining. You're not doing either, you're simply stating what you're feeling and going through. So, when you speak to your hubby and don't get a hug, support or understanding in the way you need it, we are all merely a keystroke away. All you have to do is holler and one of us will come running!! (Or at least walking fast... LOL!!!) But really, hang in there and know you're never alone and always have somewhere to go for support. Sending {{{Hugs}}} love and prayers your way. 💕🙏🏻🌻

Oct 18, 2015 9:17 AM

Alwayz that was awesome and I

Oct 18, 2015 9:46 AM

I didn't judge, I just thought it's something guys panic from more often generally speaking. Those that do panic from crying often weren't allowed to cry and it's this scary foreign powerful emotional display they don't know what to do with. It's no excuse by any means. I do understand. My husband of 18 years spent the first 16 years not really believing my severe problems were real and not listening to what was happening, no helping with things (severely herniated disc compressing my spine made me unable to walk, could crawl or surf furniture like a drunk & he wouldn't stay home from work to take me to ER though he had PAID days off so I drove yield, couldn't use right leg so drove with left leg tossed over the right then sat sobbing in a heap for 4 hours alone in ER waiting room to finally find out major emergency, cauda equina!) , didn't/ doesn't talk about important stuff, tells me how stupid it is that I was talking about x issues I'm trying to solve etc. I've seen the guys who says everything right with their actions but suck at the words and I hope that's what you're dealing with because it's fixable. Mines great at I'm sorry and promises he doesn't keep but says with word and deed he only cares about him. People will lie all day long with their words, but a man can't lie with his actions. Working is t enough, but does he do caring things? I will pray for you both. You deserve to be not only heard but comforted. The book the Five Love Languages has helped several couples I know. I'd say you need words of affirmation and to get quality time (from the book) and he isnt getting it. Maybe you could try to get him to read that or maybe Family First by Dr Phil? I'm sorry you feel so alone. Hurting is so isolating in and of itself, and I know fro experience if you don't get companionship at home and can't go out you can't make friends and dont get the support you need. I hope this turns around soon!

Oct 18, 2015 9:49 AM

Oops acidentally hit that dad gone button too soon. My fingers aren't wanting to work right this morning.Sleeping beauty don't ever think you are being a whiner. Like Alwayz said we are all here for you when you need us. I try not to talk to my family or friends about how much I am hurting, they can usually tell by the way I move around and ask me. But sometimes I complain to them it's human nature to want comfort from our loved ones. I truly believe that God won't put more on us than we can stand. I know sometimes it seems that you are about to drown in it ,going down for the last count but he is always there waiting to catch us if we fall. Sometimes I feel like I can't take it any more. Like this morning I woke up at 7 am I slept with mu legs in a weird position and could barely move them they were hurting so bad and I had to shuffle my way to the potty and back to check on Miss Bella and she was awake. Not saying a word just playing with her little hands, she is such a good baby. It took me 20 minutes to get one of her parents up to take care of her a diaper change,bottle and breathing treatment. I get so mad at them and it scares me to death what will happen to her when they move out. Sorry I digress went off on a tangent there for a minute. Lol anyway on mornings that my old body does this I wake up and say thank you Lord for another day, if I didn't hurt I wouldn't realize I am alive. So don't ever fill like you are being a whiner. Sending you and everyone great big hugs. Hope everyone has a blessed and pain free day as possible.

Oct 18, 2015 3:40 PM

Thanks everyone. We all have stuff to deal with that makes life frustrating. But like Weezie said, at least we can be thankful to be alive to share the blesssings. It does help to just have a place where I'm understood what my frustrations are since were all in the same boat.

Oct 18, 2015 4:01 PM

Sleepingbeauty, you didn't come across to me that all you do is whine and complain. What I heard you say is that whenever you try to bring up anything he turns away, walks off. I heard you say you love and appreciate your hubby, but you can't figure out a way to express your feelings and or need of help to him without crying. I heard you praising what a good provider he is.

My hubby was the same way at first. He'd walk out of the room. Not now, simply because going and hearing my doctors opened his eyes and ears that I can't help what's wrong and I do need help.

Like CamiCalifornia said, men think and feel differently, process differently. Most I've ever known can't handle tears. And like AlwayZ said, this is where you come and express whatever you need, to get it off your chest. That's what we are all here for... each other.

Just suppose you went to the table to eat. You reach over and take his hand and simply say something like, "Honey I love you and appreciate you. I just want you to know that. And I'm sorry that I can't do more due to my health. But I really enjoyed our drive together, just like I miss the times we use to sit on the porch together. I don't want my health to build a wedge between us where we can't talk. I don't want you to pity me. I do need help some, but I'd really love just to sit together and you hold me, like we use to." How do you think he would respond?

Just ponder over saying what's most important, but keep it short and on point. Write it if you can't say it. And on days you go do things, try not to talk about the pain. I actually made a joke on an outing with my hubby saying, "You may need to get a wheelbarrow to push me back to the car," and I laughed. He laughed too.

No way did I hear you complaining. You're just sharing what's going on, looking for suggestions on how to handle it differently. Hugs & still praying! 🙏🌼

Oct 18, 2015 6:20 PM

You all are humbling my heart so much. God bless each of you. Flappyslady, I have times that my heart does want to reach out and hold his and say such eloquent words in hopes to comfort him too. I know he must hurt too. I have tried but I end up stumbling over myself for fear of pushing him away. I don't carry a lot of confidence in myself. Guess that's old Satan using my weakness against me. I may not understand his silence. Wish I could read his thoughts, but i can't. God can though. I think I need to just be silent for a while and pray. Go to my "prayer closet" and keep asking God to help the both of us with our struggles. Mine is physical mostly while his is internal. I know he loves me. I just think he has some battles inside him. Sometimes I want to just shake him and say, "FOCUS! Now, isn't the ti.e to fall into your dark place! I need you!!" Now, that would be nice if it were that easy, right?
All of you are just amazing! I am truly blessed to be here. That was definitely a God thing.

Oct 19, 2015 5:48 PM

Sleeping Beauty did not read all of the replys but I do agree with most of them but I did read. But my boyfriend over 8 years and we have evolved in a communication styles and sometimes some things are always the same he doesn't deal with my pain nor my tears very well however he is always been very compassionate he may want to go into caveman mode and try to find a solution instead of fully listening to what I'm saying or what I'm going through and even with my surgery that I recently had and with me going through the pain that I am it is hard for him to deal with its hard for him to see how ever since he's been together for so long he has learned how to adjust and to relate to the things that I've having to deal with we are apart but yet he still help me by giving me distractions so the point is men do you have a different processing system they are fixing they are doers which is probably why your husband went to deal with the cattle as opposed to listening to your tears I for one and he is probably hurts because the woman he loves is in agony and pain and there's nothing that he can physically do immediately to relieve such pain and he doesn't know how to express that to you and words so he does that he does things instead of just listening it's a process this is life that we live think it's going to take some time for everyone to adjust to but the simple fact that he is there that he's attempting to be around you me so he does truly love you just give him time and try to understand his ways as he tries to understand the new you god bless you and your husband and your marriage and I pray that you guys learn to communicate in a different way

Oct 20, 2015 9:02 AM

Thanks Fibrogirl. I'm feeling much more at peace right now. Thanks to the wonderful messages of support and especially the prayers I'm sure. Probably helps that I'm feeling a bit better right now too. I will be seeing my gp tomorrow and I could use some prayers that I can find the right words to express to him my need for his help to relay ways my husban d can help me. Maybe coming from him will help my hubby to realize that ignoring this will not make it go away. But that I don't want to be nursed either. I haven't talked about my illness other than making a joke here and there for a couple of days now. I guess what I would like most is to have his help and support when needed, but I don't want him to think our lives need to change completely We are still the same people who will continue to grow closer with every triumph and challenge.

Oct 20, 2015 9:17 AM

Sleeping beauty.. I understand totally.. First ur very welcome. I'm new to this life also. And have found so much support here. Secondly.. For uband ur husband. Ur lives are gonna change however it does not mean its all bad. U r gonna need a lot if support. It's gonna be a challenge for u to learn what your new normal is. And yes maybe if your husband goes in with u to hear what the Dr has to say. Of course that is if ur doctors see your view. It's could be difficult to find a Dr who can listen to u. In the mean time try and find someone like a friend or family member to go with u and start offering u that handsome on support and of course we r always here for u. I'm glad u r feel better as a whole ..for me if I get emotional it sends me into a flare. So staying as calm as possible.

Oct 20, 2015 11:54 AM

I third it. Men see a women cry and they want to fix it, if they can't fix it they ignore it. Unfortunately the problems live in us. We can not be ignored. All of you are amazing, I feel like I found a home truly. I thank you all. Love and light moshell

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