He's mad I do things that hurt me when he is here and could do them for me. Im mad that he keeps telling me to sit down and rest. He doesn't understand that I want to be an active part of my life, of our family, and if I don't do anything that hurts - I would literally never do anything.
I do let him and our kids do a lot for me. But sometimes I just want to get my own glass of water. How have you successfully integrated chronic pain into your marriage?
First off I'm sorry that you had a fight with your husband . Second,im not married but know what u mean about doing g what u can when u can.maybe ask him if he could help u or assit u with certain task. I hear this from my mom often . Advice I've been give is to let them know u appreciate it but that some times you just want to do things for yourself. Thirdly, which could be the hardest. Actually let him do things. I'd you sore or in pain and or tired ask him for a glass of water or to bring you a plate of food. It will give u a break a d make him feel good and all should be right with the world. Hope this helps
My husband does the same!! He says I am stubborn because I don't know when to stop it when to ask for help! I don't work so I feel like it is my contribution to help clean the house do laundry do the dishes make meals etc.. otherwise I would feel like I has no purpose and I would be a burden to him and my son..it's the least I can do and you are right we are always in pain anyhow..I barely leave the house so atleast want what little I independence I have left to get my own stuff! If it bothers you that much explain it to him..sit him down and have a nice conversation about how it makes you feel! Good luck let me know how everything goes?
I tried to explain how useless I feel. I told him how much I need a sense of accomplishment and how my completion of menial tasks is all I've got now to achieve that. I used to do service, remodeling projects on our home, landscaping work etc, etc. Now I do the laundry and the dishes. Some days I set my sights a lot lower than that even. I feel like he's excluding me from my life when he says I should just go lay down and let him do whatever it is that I'm trying to do. He feels like I must think he's deficient in some fundamental way because I won't let him do something that is so easy for him and so difficult for me. I know how hard this has been for him to witness. He is forever reading and researching for solutions for me - and a lot of my best results are from things he's found. It's just that I truly do NEED to do some things for myself. He believes that I will make myself sicker if I push through the pain to accomplish something. He's not wrong, I know I need to listen to my body and give it the rest it demands. However, I would rather be dead than live a life that only includes me laying down while life passes me by and others wait on me hand and foot. It's such a difficult addition to an already difficult situation. He says I'm not hearing him, but the truth is that I'm just not agreeing with him. I'm thinking I'll try asking for him to do the things he already does for me, and thanking him more specifically for doing them, in the hopes it'll register with him that he already does a ton for me. Thanks to all for the advice and understanding. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this.
What I had to do is compile a list of chores, every single chore. To the simple wordi g of squirt cleaner in toilet, drop clothes down the steps, etc. Then I sat down and put smile faces and frown faces on each step. When I would get to the end step if I could complete that chore with only half or more smiles then that became my chore. If it was one I ccould split into two people doing that was an our chore, then the ones that were 3/4 frowns became his, unless I was having a great day. Take laundry, getting the clothes down the steps became tossing over the banister, mine, carring them to laundry room , mine, washing mine, hanginhg on a line both, dryer, both, carring back up the stairs his. Tub, sqirt the cleaner , mine . Scrub, his. Load the dishwasher, mine, hand wash dishes depends. By making this list I also learned what I could and couldn't do, it also let me see how productive I was, it gave me a ego boost. It also kept him from doing my easy stuff which would piss me off.
Zetarlov, that's a great idea, and I think I'll borrow it! My hubby would guess at me to, especially when I overdo it and hurt later. He'd gone grocery shopping and had just got home, while I'd been getting a shower on my own (3+ wk post op). He came home and was putting groceries away, when he heard me turn on the hair dryer. He immediately stopped to come dry my hair and I let him without fuss, because raising my arms up still hurts my neck. Sometimes it's easier to give in and let him pamper me, then do for myself when he's at work. It helps him emotionally to know he's helping me, and it helps me not to overdo it too. But I love zetarlov's suggestion. Hugs love & prayers for all! 🙂💕🙏🌸
Zetarlov, thank you! What a great idea! I love it for lots of reason. Not the least of which is that my hubs is very analytical. I think the visual breakdown will really appeal to him! Plus it takes the emotion and the guesswork out of it!