Very stressful day yesterday due to family illness. Developed headache and very bad anxiety, and still present today with depression.
We had to drive to the farm in the boonies because no one could reach dad or stepmom. Stepmom had cut off the internet not realizing it shut off the house phone to. In the boonies everyone's cell phones rely on internet signal to be able to make or take calls or texts. Dad was furious at her though she reminded him he was sitting there when she called. The topic of when they were moving came up, as did when to clean out the sheds (sellable, donate, keep, & trash). He became angry right off saying we wanted to put him in a little room but he wanted to live and die right there on the farm. I calmly reminded him he said a year ago he wanted to move, downsize and get closer to all us kids. He said he didn't remember that, and none of us kids ever came around because we either don't love him or don't want to deal with "all this.". We all rotate going down so we don't go at the same time. My hubby and I went 4x in 3 weeks when there were problems my dad couldn't fix. Yesterday was our first trip since August surgery, but he said he understood. Then dead changed and said he wants to get the farm ready to sell and buy a big house near us kids, so we can spend the night. My stepmom said she wanted to downsize and rent, and he angrily snapped he didn't care what she wanted or us for that matter. He was telling by now and said he gets out and works in the yard and he expects her and us to do the same. I calmly replied that they're 20 yr older and she can't do all that anymore but if he wants a bug house he needs to hire workers instead of expecting her to clean it all. He snarled and said he does more outside than my hubby and me put together, that he could care less what were are planning for our old age years, and then said he might spend 3-4 days in the same clothes sleeping in his recliner. Of course I didn't mean to but I snapped at that point and told him he didn't have to be ugly and mean, and if he wanted to die on the farm it would be less work for us all, but he needs to stop being hateful and selfish and ugly. He said he wasn't. I repeated exactly what he'd said in the time he used. Then I started out calmly, and asked could he had the difference. "No," he replied.
My dad is gone except the outer body shell. What comes out from the inside is some horrible, angry, ugly, snappy, selfish stranger. I wanted to cry and cry and cry but held myself in check. And on the way home I begged my hubby to have the doctors sedate me if my dementia makes me like my dad's Alzheimer's! 😢