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Am I A "Damaged Good"?

Apr 05, 2016 11:24 PM

Hi. I'm Trinity, a teen with chronic illness. I understand feeling like you don't have anything to live for, as if no one cares, just watching as life goes on around you.

It's hard, yes. But as my favorite (Buffy!) quote says "Strong isn't easy. It's hard, it's painful, and it's every day!"

I'm just curious, do you really never get moments where kindness or simply the closeness of another human being make you...okay. Not happy, just like maybe there is a reason to hope, to try again tomorrow despite never having a moment of time off from your body.

I've had these fragile moments. Laughing and talking with strangers, and feeling connected. Being with my cousins as they hunt easter eggs. Singing, and crying, and being open. I actually met a few new people.

I have more pain than good moments, but somehow just knowing I MIGHT laugh tomorrow makes me want to get up, and try, and probably fall, but at least laugh at the fall-out.

How are you feeling?

Apr 05, 2016 11:32 PM

Hey! I'm Noah I'm 16. I completely get your I really wish you much luck. It does get better.

Apr 06, 2016 11:47 AM

Ferret, that was deep and very mature for a teenager. My 13 year old daughter also deals with Chronic pain. From Migraines to all her cheerleading injuries that give her problems. Like you said laughter is key, and she doesn't give up on her passion despite the the pain. I don't give up on being a mom despite being in pain 24/7 at this moment. Do I over do yes of course and that's where I fall and get back up and learn where my limitations are. We are NOT damaged goods, we are specially made for a purpose and we may never know what that purpose is. Love, Hug's and Prayers to all my pain family and to you Ferret, because you are loved and very special to us here 💕😘🙏

Apr 06, 2016 11:55 AM

Ferret, that was a profound and strongly worded post. You are wise beyond your years and you feel and hope and dream and wish.. Keep doing ALL of those things because laughing with someone or even a short conversation with a stranger is distraction enough to make it ok for a moment. Those moments are fragile and fleeting but getting up and hoping for more is a great way to push through. I've been doing just that. Thanks for being the wonderful young lady you are!! Sending lots of love, {{{Hugs}}} and all my best wishes for some laughter and a moment in time that makes it ok. ❤️🙏🏻🌻😍

Apr 06, 2016 12:34 PM

Ferritbandit, you are an amazing and articulate young woman that I think is absolutely better than "normal". You have qualities that some will strive for and still never achieve -you are real! I believe that when we have chronic pain we spend so much time trying to be what we think is normal or what others want us to be that we often get lost. Do not ever change your true self. You have all the best qualities already. Life always goes through highs and lows and you seem to keep it in balance which is not easy. Clearly you are NOT damaged goods. As I deal with life's challenges since I have been dealing with chronic pain I think we feel more of the energy people put off. Keep laughing it is the best medicine. Best of all when you laugh you look beautiful and don't mess up your make up. My cry face is really bad but everyone loves a good laugh. Have a great day and take time to laugh it might just help someone else laugh too!

Apr 06, 2016 9:28 PM

Clearly we have another old soul here! Thank you for sharing and the reminder to laugh as much as possible! 😃

I'm seeing a ketamine dr tomorrow for my CRPS/RSD and depression so hopefully it helps and I can have some laughs too!

Apr 06, 2016 10:22 PM

Love and laughter are what keeps me going. After many rough years, I am now with the best man. He tries to understand, and works hard to help me.
But the best things are when he hugs me, and we spend time enjoying each other's company, watching tv, laughing, sharing. It sounds simple, and fels easy now, but I surely marched through the fire to get here. It's still hard, but it is worth it. And I'm lazy, it's kinda easier to just stay here and live, lol!

Apr 07, 2016 2:01 AM

Damaged goods? Not even. Trinity, It sounds as though you know what the bright "shiny" moments are - they're the spark we see far off in the darkness and use as a focus point while we slog through the every day muck. Good for you!
I can easily understand how someone would feel that the tiny spark off in the distance was too far to go, too hard to get to, or too faint to focus upon. But here's the thing, folks. Every second of every day is a golden opportunity to create your own shiny moments. If you hurt too much to take a walk through the park - sit on a bench in the sunshine and talk back to the birds. Find an eight year old and have them tell you every joke they know. Find an eight year old and tell them every clean joke you know. Bake cookies. If that's too much work, get the ones you out on a pan, bake, and eat. If, like me, your diabetes prevents you from enjoying each one of those delicious cookies give them to your mail carrier, or someone who is shut in, or the teller at the bank, or … whoever.
Spreading happiness has the strange effect of working in both forward and reverse simultaneously; that is, if you give others happiness, you're going to get happiness in return.
Even on those horrible days when you wake up and realize it's going to be an eight-on-the-pain-scale day, and your eyes are crusted shut, and you must have slept on it because your left arm is just … gone, and you're fairly sure that you've got a monster rash starting, STOP and inventory the GOOD thing that you have. Your nose is stuffy, but you CAN breathe through it. True, your eyes hurt in the light, but you CAN SEE with them. Your arm may be resting now so it can help you pour yourself a glass of ginger ale later. (which your upset tummy LOVES)
Look on the bright side of life. Go looking for happiness instead of waiting for it to be served on a silver platter. Smile at everyone - even yourself in the mirror. Hum your favorite song. Let the shiny moments in your life add up until one day, it will be so bright, you'll see all the good things, and the bad stuff - the aches and pains, the moans and groans, the grumpies, the grouchies, and the grumblies will fade away into the darkness that you don't even notice anymore.
In the words of a very wise man - "Don't worry. Be happy." 🙂

Apr 09, 2016 2:24 AM

Hey there! My name is Andrea and I am 21, but the onset of my chronic illness happened when I was around 14 so I know how it feels to be chronically ill as a teen. You are not damaged goods. You are incredibly strong! Chronic pain isn't something a normal teen should have to go through and it can be difficult to know that your peer's worst days are your best. However, because of this you learn to become strong in more ways than one. We are warriors in our own ways. ;)
As far as your future goes, don't give up! I'm in my 3rd year of college and although I have to take it slow I am determined to achieve my goals. You can do anything, but don't be afraid to do it at your own pace.

Apr 10, 2016 7:11 PM

I use humor laphter it makes things easier

Apr 10, 2016 8:37 PM

Megan, good luck with your ketamine appointment! I hope it helps you! ❤👣

Apr 10, 2016 8:46 PM

Thanks, everyone. It's nice to know that y'all understand. I feel damaged sometimes, but I'm realizing that is in some ways just a feeling, and that every person has limits, but I can keep going. I've been feeling kinda weak lately, and I have a slight sense of doom combined with celebration. It's been almost a year since I re-learned to walk, but it's also a year since the worst part of my illness. Life keeps going on, and I'm trying to keep time for fun through the guaranteed stressful couple months ahead.

Apr 11, 2016 10:42 AM

Ferretbandit, I'm just seeing this. It has been a year, and look how far you've come. More friends, more support, more activities & fun (when able), your pup, and more laughs. I think your words describe all of us at some point in our lives, or at least it does me. When having a bad time, especially days long, it is hard to imagine enjoyable days ahead. But those are the days I try and find something to smile about, and usually it's my pup! Hugs & prayers the months ahead won't be as stressful as you think! 🙂💕🙏🌼

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