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am i wrong

Sep 01, 2015 6:10 AM

I feel bad that this is even an issue. However like most of u I'm in a constant state of pain all day everyday. Super fatigued emotional distressed etc . in addition my father has two forms of cancer r and I've moved in with my mom and dad to try and take some pressure off my family. When I moved home I was not aware of all my medical issues.
So my issue is my mom constantly leaves me alone with my dad for long periods . even though my therapist and my dad therapist has repeatedly said this is not to be done. I only have partial use of my my right side in addition to the server pain and meds I'm on. My dad goes through periods of extreme weakness and need help with basic needs. Which means lifting and being able to catch him if he falls. I can't do this. I've in the past and I've injured myself more many times. I admit my mom and I need help in the home with my dad and I feel bad when i get upset or just flat out say no to my mom. My dad is still totsly competent. So he tries to get around and do what he use to do before he got sick. It scares me when I know I have to be alone with him. He tries to just sit still til mom gets back but its not fair to him either. If he needs to move or go to the bathroom he shouskd be able to go. Not to mention even if he stays put I can't take my medicine like I need to because I have to stay alert for when people come or call. Am I wrong for feeling this way? How so I get through it without disrespecting my mom.?

Sep 01, 2015 6:32 AM

Oh gosh bless sweetheart! I can only imagine how hard it is for you, I do have fibro so I can completely empathise with you on how hard it is day to day without the added pressure of being left to look after your dad. Earlier this year my mum had a foot operation which meant I had to do everything for my mum whilst my dad was at work and when you're in a flare up it means you can barely look after yourself let alone anyone else but you feel you're letting your family down but they need to understand that most of the time it's impossible to do the things that you use to be able to do.
Have you heard of the spoon theory? I found explaining about the spoon theory helped my parents and sister to understand fibromyalgia a bit better.

Sep 01, 2015 6:42 AM

Yes vintage butterfly. I've recently learned of it the spoon theory. I've not brought it up to my family yet. Simply because since we are under so much pressue I feel that my mom especially will take it personally. And it will cause a bigger problem . sadly my family has only become understandings of my situation once something bad or dangerous happens. Like they did not believe I had a problem driving til I had an accident and did not believe I had such extreme pain til my mom saw me almost faint and was in years due to my pain level. I don't. Won't to risk my dads health and sadry just so my mom will see. And the reason she is leaving me with him now is cause of my sibling has a broken arm and needs to receive medical treatment . so I just don't know what to do. It is hard and mostly I just go into my shell and just deal with it. And prey nothing happens . I'm so tired of these situations and I'm so tired of being less then I was. It all is just to much at times. Like right now..I'm just at a loss. Tying to stay calm because I know getting upset will only make things worse.


Sep 01, 2015 7:23 AM

Newfibrogirl, I am sorry that you are in this predicament. You really need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your Mom. You are NOT less of the person you were, you're dealing with illness beyond your control. You are not your illnesses, you're a human being struggling to get through your days with extreme pain. Tell your Mom your fears. Remind her of the situations of your accident and almost passing out from pain and explain to her that you are afraid you are not capable of taking care of your Dad to the fullest capacity and that you don't begrudge her going out but it needs to be for shorter periods of time and less frequently. I, too, have moved back in with my parents (I'm 50) and take my Mom places she needs to go as well as doing the same for my Father. I have to skip medications and it's very hard. There are times I've gotten up and told my Mom she had to ask someone else to take her somewhere because I just wasn't well enough. You are not wrong for feeling the way you do. There is no right or wrong there, I just IS how you feel. I'm sending you gentle hugs and pray that you can get your Mom to understand. I hope you can get some much needed relief from your pain. Stress will cause you only to feel worse. Has your Mom gone with you to your doctor? Has she heard the doctor's diagnosis from him/her? Does your Mom know that you have been skipping your meds to take care of your Dad? If not, you should tell her. When you skip so you can drive, take care of your Dad or any other reason, it takes longer for it to work when you do get to take it. Then you're all thrown off schedule and it's harder to get your pain under control. These are all things you need to bring to her attention. I wish you the best of luck and hope you know that you're never alone. You've found a wonderful community of people who will listen, understand and give you support when you need it. It's sure been a Godsend to me!!🌻🙏🏻

Sep 01, 2015 9:12 AM

Thank you everyone for helping me not feel like a horrible daughter and person. It is hard to be here in this position. I'm still learning g how to be me now. Especially since I'm still in that awkward space of diagnosis. Dr is stikl testing g for other possible illness so I'm on a minimal amount of meds that r not working. I'm allergic to a lot of meds a d foods so finding g the fit for me is a challenge.
As for my current situation. My mom did leave so I'm here with my dad. I feel we at both uncomfortable but we will make the best of it. Also I ended up cooking breakfast for four people. And doing my sisters hair all on 4 he's of sleep and of course back and leg and shoulder pain. But I don't saybtgis begrudgingly I did do it because for one sister has done a lot for me and I know she is in pain and wanted to look nice today. Plus as a chef i feel i have to feed people . honesty like most of us. I really want to find my new normal. I just want it be able to function in some way like I use to. I am very thankful I've found this community. I was very low this morning and even though i wish in could have gotten out of this today I'm just gonna take it in stride. Thank you all again.

Sep 01, 2015 4:31 PM

Newfibro- we feel guilty for a lot of things and because we are sufferers ourselves, we understand how you feel. There are times when my partner needs help and I am unable to do anything to help her when I'm flaring. There are times where I don't want to do anything and I would put on a grumpy attitude when my partner makes me do it.

I felt bad and I know we can't continue on like this. I read a couple of books on positive thinking and in more ways than one, it had helped me heaps. I never would talk to my father respectfully even, but now, when he needs help, I do all I can. I, myself is a father now and I understand much better how my father treated me. It's all for my own good. Though I dislike his bad temper, I will always reflect back that he has done so much for me and I will strive harder to help him in anyways I can.

It was due to my family business that I've injured my back. My father has helped me in finding ways or doctors to have me cured. I'm grateful for that. Although there are times where I do argue with him, but at the end of the day I'll reflect back and do what I can for him when I can. I just hope your situation gets easier after your other sibling requires less attention. Good luck to you.

Sep 01, 2015 4:51 PM

Alwayzinpain..to answer your question . my mom use to go with me to my appointments however do to .y dads health she has not been able to go with me like she use to. It's mostly been my sister and at times I've had ri go myself. My mom is a good person my dad too..however no one in my family including me is use to me being in this postion. I do get permission to record my appointment so she can hear it. When I get home. I just dont know how to get her to finally get it. But thank you for all the advice and for the listening ear. It's greatly appreciate it

Sep 02, 2015 11:02 AM

Newfibrogirl, I can't add much to what others have offered. At 54, I'm the youngest of 5 children. My health really started downhill last year, rapidly, about the same time my dad's health crumbled. I'm the one he always counted on, and is be there at the drop off everything else. Due to the stress I was under, mentally & physically, and bad side effects to Cymbalta, when he went in for shoulder replacement last year I nearly had a complete breakdown. That was when I opened up and told all my family that I could not do everything for him alone, because I could barely take care of myself. Looking story short, not only have three siblings helped out, but our stepmom has stepped up to make decisions... Finally!

If you are unable to take care of your needs, you may eventually break like I did. You have to take care of yourself in order to be helpful to others. You aren't wrong for feeling the way you do. I don't know if your dad has insurance, but many offer in home care if the doctor says it's necessary. If you have that option, his doctor would needed to state your inability to care for your dad. If he doesn't have that available, maybe some neighbors or cousins could help out. And some county agencies over some various types of help too. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers! (((Hugs))) for courage and strength to find the words to help your mom understand. 🙏🌼

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