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Battles with myself

Dec 17, 2016 10:02 AM

So i dont wanna talk about this because it makes me nervous worried and scared... My PTSD is in full SWING ... WEW 5 WEEKS IM BE HOME HERE ALONE FOR A WHILE IM REALLLLLLLY FUCKING SCARED!!!! Yea sounds stupid whos afraid to be home alone ??? Me... Im afraid of myself im afraid i wont be able cope with out him... Im terrified making sure ylthe house stays clean or his mom flip a fucking nugget i do not like dealing with her... ME TWO 8 MONTH OLD BABY KITTENS A 15 YEAR OLD CAT 6 SUGAR GLIDERS AND ME N THIS HOUSE !!!! Part of ne says im being irrational but rest me says im right .. Im hiding most this from Tree cuz he has to do this its biggest opportunity of his life !!! I know this thats why im trying be as quite as i can with little releases so he knows im scared... Im not really worried about him cheating or anything like that he loves me way to much to do that ... In fact himself told me never, and any body who can stay with me for 9 months like this no job barely any moneys has to love me right lol.. Im FREAKING OUT !!!

Dec 17, 2016 2:46 PM

Deep breaths hun. Is there someone close you can call when you are feeling lost? Or do you have a therapist you can talk to? You know you have us.. Just reach out when you need to. (and even when you dont).

Wish you lived closer. :(

As for your mother in law. I know it's hard when you feel.someone is judging you. Just remember - that's their problem, not yours. If the house isn't clean enough then she can stay home. Until she has walked in your shoes she has no right to judge. But yea - I get it. She is going to do it anyways. Maybe Tree could talk to her before he leaves and make it known that while her company is appreciated her judgements are not and if she can't leave them home then it's best she stay home with them.

Dec 17, 2016 3:02 PM

Oh Mizzy I'm sorry I've been out of the game the last couple of days you should of messaged me, I'm here for you.
Damn I wish we lived closer together we could distract each other.....erm.....we'd get into trouble along the way tho!!! 😨😨😨 but then there's no fun in being boring 😂😂😂 hhhmmmmm might need some bail money as well just in case 💵🚓💷🚔💵🚓💷
Oh man that bloody doc, he's hid that tardis too damn well!!! 😢

Now woman you message me when you start feeling this do ya hear.....I'm not joking either

Love ya chick xx

Dec 17, 2016 4:29 PM

@miikay thanks i will be seeing a therapist once a week in jan.. We seen each other 3 times now i also see a sphyciatrist at same place thats doc prescribes me kolonapin.. Its like therapys ok but idk im just that messed up my head goes n goes n goes.... Im having a panic attack PILLSSSS wew... I DONT KNOW WHAT IM AFRAID OF I LIVED ON MY OWN BEFORE ... So im rather confused why im getting this way...

Dec 17, 2016 4:32 PM

Some times idk why i do but i hide... Pondy u messaged me i saw it i swiped it . i go into myself almost if that makes sense cant talk to any one i swipe my damn momma. At these moments i am in my burrito i dont wanna be alone but i am cuz i pull myself in there... Some times u need to be a burrito but i do it alot... Im sorry i tell every one its not them its some thing in my head like a itch idfk ... I dont understand it i dont understand myself this is gonna be a very hard journey

Dec 17, 2016 5:53 PM

Hey I know exactly how your feeling.....I do it myself. Hell I've been a bit quiet myself lately!
I drove to my auntie today because I would spend the whole time in bed ignoring anything and just about functioning enough to tell my kids there's bread, cheese and milk and there might be a microwave dinner in the freezer as well!!!!
Sometimes it's good to hibernate but sometimes you need to be pulled kicking and screaming to the party.
I had never lived on my own before I left my ex h so not only have I had to take care of the kids and put up with him following us everywhere, constantly messaging and phoning all the time I had to learn how to buget real quick which wouldn't of been so bad if he hadn't of taken out a load of loans and store credit cards in my name and left damage to the place we rented. I was just about managing money until I became sick thro him doing all the above and had to get a non-molestation order against him (it's a bit like a restraining order) but because the police couldn't do anything because he lived so close and was out shopping or out doing stuff at the same time as us. At the same time I had met someone who said all the right things but turned out to be worse which really did a number on me as well. When we was in the woman's refuges (we were in 3 over a 6 month period) paying service charges to them and paying storage rental I fell more behind so earlier this year I had to do a debt relief order....almost like going bankrupt but not as severe as it was about £14,000. If I'd had over £20,000 debt then I would of had to of gone bankrupt.
With everything growing up then my choice of men....HA what a choice they were as well!!....I now have no trust in myself and my self esteem is nonexistent but I'm trying to to do things to help myself....as every doctor, nurse, counsellor and budgeting adviser have told me I'm very knowledgeable about my issues, trigeminal neuralgia, anxiety and depression and are then completely confused as to why I can't pull my self out of it all. I tell them just because my head knows doesn't mean I can stop the feelings to which they say makes me worse!!!!!

You my dear are a very strong and unique person and I know you will be able to do this because you have me, everyone else on here, your family and most importantly your Tree. You have your babies to look after, you'd art to distract you and I think I'll make it my mission over the months Tree is away to annoy the fuck out of you 😂😂😂 I'm actually going to enjoy that 😜😘😜

Dec 17, 2016 8:11 PM

Pondy I LOVE YOU MY ANGEL !!!!

Dec 18, 2016 4:57 AM

Mizzy you won't be calling me your angel when I start pestering you!!!! 😂😜😘

Dec 18, 2016 5:08 AM

Baaaahaaaaa im make sure to NOT BLINK !!! Haaa

Dec 19, 2016 4:33 PM

MizzMonroe, the panic/anxiety is what happened to me years ago, when I tried to shut everyone out and avoided going out of my house except to the doctors for months. I was given a med that helped me through it. It was like suffocating breaths if I tried to leave or even thought I'd be doing so. Let your doctor know. Your doc and therapist can help. And like Mimikay said, we are here too. Eyes closed, breathe in deep & exhale out your mouth slowly... Let your body relax as you do so for several minutes. You are strong and can do this, and it's ok to let others help you through it, even Tree. Anxiety/panic attacks can be harder at times than others. You can lean on us. Hugs love and prayers! 🙂💕🙏🌸

Dec 19, 2016 11:07 PM

Thank you very much... Im trying real hard i just pray my advance comes before he leaves so i can buy a real phone be able contact him when ever however ... Thats big for me.... I need find a routine .. Breathing woooosa lol

Dec 19, 2016 11:52 PM

Mizzy you have a lot of people behind you to help you move along, I'm here and so is everyone on this app. I know it'll be hard but you can message me any time and post on here.
You're over thinking everything and you're going to make yourself ill. Calm down and maybe do some meditation. I wished we lived closer then I could come over and give you a hug and tell you it will be ok xx

Dec 20, 2016 5:35 AM

But Pondy u just did... Thank you ..i love u

Dec 20, 2016 6:42 AM

The orher thing i have started is reconnecting with God and going to Church i love you guys but i have also found others with issue's like ours there. We are becoming a third support for each other. But it is the Bible and prayer that help me most. I won't preach at anyone but if you want talk about anything lets talk. Hope and pray it will get better.

Dec 20, 2016 10:58 AM

LCHudgins I'm very happy you have found comfort in God and the Bible unfortunately my faith in the church has been lost due to my priest telling me that I could no longer accept the Body of Christ nor would he be happy with me going to the church (both my children attended the attached school) due to me having to kick my abusive husband out then applying for a divorce for mine and my children's health and safety.
The priest who was married and had changed from Church of England to being a Roman Catholic Priest because he didn't agree with the Church of England allowing Female's to join as vicors.
For a while I did continue to go to the church but he made me feel very uncomfortable and would often preach about how it was wrong to be homosexual, living together unmarried, separating and divorcing and many more things and he'd do all this in a family mass. I wasn't the only person he had said this too either.
He made me feel very unwelcome and instead of trying to be understanding he was just rude and horrible, which going thro a hard time anyway made me feel worse.
So at this moment in time I believe there is something there but not necessarily the God of the Bible.
That being said I try my best to be a caring and understanding person and I will help anyone in need. This is what I gives me comfort now, trying to be the best human being I can be while I'm also trying to get thro my own issues with being ill, trying to find a dx to explain the fatigue, muscle & joint pain and the constant fogginess I have as well as being told I most likely have PTSD and definitely social anxiety.

Dec 21, 2016 3:34 AM

I feel every ones free worship from his or her own pue.. I grew up strict catholic however doesnt work for me i found many things along my journey and i consider myself a naturalist pagan... I do believe theres many gods n giddess not one person can handle all this mess ... I think if more people listened to eacch other not PREACH talk listen we would see no matter what color or gender or faith we got alot in common !!!

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