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Christmas spirit

Dec 06, 2015 7:53 AM

I used to love this time of year. The magic, the nativity and story of Christmas, the tree and decorations etc etc.... now, with no money, no energy, an overabundance of pain and the stress of my ltd having to be appealed or I'm going to have to figure out how to go back to working (panic through the roof) it all seems like just one more big chore. On the one hand, I'm grieving the loss of that magic and wishing I could find it again, and on the other, I'm just praying for it to hurry up and be done. Does anyone else feel this way? I'm so exhausted just at the thought of Christmas. (Plus my birthday is ten days before.... yay 43 the new 93).

Dec 06, 2015 9:30 AM

Phoenix, you just said everything that I feel. There are days where I get glimmers of the feelings I used to get when Christmas came around. It's harder and harder to find that joy. When it gets closer I find myself dreading it and then when the day arrives at least there is the fun of watching the couple of little ones left opening their presents. I think the thing that bothers me most of all is the way Christmas has been commercialized. It is about the birth of Christ and the nativity and is a holy and blessed day. I understand the tradition of St. Nick and all the kids looking forward to what Santa is going to leave under the tree. But the actual meaning of Christmas has been buried under all of the sales and commercials. My older brother's children are 30, 28 and 22 and they still trim the tree on Christmas Eve, bake cookies and then go to church. Before bed, the kids have kept the tradition of leaving cookies and milk out for Santa and a carrot for the reindeer. I think it's sweet and THAT puts a smile on my face. I think with the love we all share with one another and the prayers that we say for one another, it is possible to find the joy of the season and make it through to the other side. By the way, I understand about feeling older.. Don't worry, you're only 43, I just turned 50 and I know with all of the pain you deal with you feel older but don't let it get you down. (I feel 103 physically but mentally,
I'm still in my 30's). Sending you love, {{{Hugs}}} and prayers.💕🙏🏻🌻

Dec 06, 2015 9:38 AM

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not alone in this. My son is 21 and this year is going to be especially hard because of the money issues. My greatest joy on Christmas, second to reading the Bible story, was watching everyone open their presents. Especially the ones I got for them. Now there's no money for presents and Christmas is gonna be just another day. So my last vestige of spirit goes out the financial window. I'll be reading the Story by myself and then probably going back to bed. 💖 *gentle hugs*

Dec 06, 2015 9:51 AM

Phoenix, the gifts are of no importance (even though I have always enjoyed watching my family open gifts from me). These days I just chip in and I'm just a name on a card. However, don't take your joy of reading the bible story away from yourself. No matter what it can never be just another day. If you want, I'll give you my cell number and you can read the story to me. It would be a treat and may be good for you. Chin up Buttercup, we'll all get through this together. 💕🙏🏻🌻

Dec 06, 2015 9:53 AM

Thank you, I'm just so depressed and angry all the time lately. Thoughts and prayers would be welcome. 💕🙊🙉

Dec 06, 2015 10:10 AM

Hang in there, in here and so is the rest of this wonderful pain family. You'll be ok. I know it won't be easy but you certainly won't be alone. It's ok to be depressed and angry, you're mourning a loss. Until you allow yourself to really mourn that loss and then take the step forward to conquer what it the "new normal" you will stay angry and depressed. I'm not saying you never will be again but it will be better and easier. Also with the support of God, your family, friends and pain family there isn't anything you can't do. I pray for my peeps each and every day and YOU are one of those peeps... There will be many prayers said for you and as much positive energy as I can muster up to send your way. 💕🙏🏻🌻

Dec 06, 2015 10:34 AM

I am very glad to have found this community. Thank you!! 💕

Dec 06, 2015 10:35 AM

Any time, Phoenix, any time!!💕

Dec 06, 2015 12:07 PM

Phoenix, I was very much looking forward to Christmas this year, as a day of new beginnings, but I just don't feel like celebrating much this year. Tree is up but no decorations on it. Cresch is up as well, but this year is just not the same for me. Not since Grandmom died. Just been feeling really blue the closer it gets already.

Dec 06, 2015 1:44 PM

We didn't used to celebrate Christmas so I've only experienced about 4 or 5 of them, most of them being while I loved on my own. I was really excited about it this year because I finally had someone to spend it with but that turned sour so I'm back to waking up on Christmas morning with no decorations and no one to share it with so that makes it hard to look forward to anything to do with Christmas atm

Dec 06, 2015 2:03 PM

I know for me Christmas will be simple, I'll try to avoid it, but there will be yummy food and watch A Very Minty Christmas, because it's adorable. ❤❤❤

Dec 06, 2015 8:08 PM

I can so relate I was just telling my couselor I can't handle christmas.

Every year I would "adopt" foster kids and get lists of what they wanted. I would also contact the school district and get a family from them. My young son I spent many hours on thanksgiving and black Friday picking up the deals to make thier wishes come true. We would wrap thier gifts in beautiful wrap and complete thier gifts with stocking full of items special bath soaps, cute socks, perfume, battery tooth brushes and they would be so full they were tight.

I told my son who still believed in Santa that we were secret Santa's and that meant Santa couldn't make all these poor kids christmas wishes come true so we were helping him out. I loved seeing my young son pick out the gifts with the utmost care because he was an expert on what kids liked. He made my heart swell with pride and his heartfelt giving.

One year a man came into my work after christmas and asked for me. With tears in his eyes he told me that what I did meant so much to his family. I wasn't sure what he meant not linking it together. He said God bless you and pressed a card in my hand and crying walked out. I was baffled. I sat down at my desk and as I read the card tears rolled down my face... his wife lost her job then a couple months later he lost his. Thier 3rd grade twins birthdays just before Christmas and a family in crisis not sure how to handle it. It told of how appreciative they were and that thier children had the best Christmas ever loving everything they got with detailed notes on items. They ended the note with one day they would pay it forward. I then realized when I lost my work badge where I had dropped it. It was immediately returned to my employer and that was a couple weeks before Christmas.

That is the Christmas I miss. That is my christmas. Not the thank you but being able to make it a great experience for a child. That while everyone is talking about what they got those kids can brag too.

My son knows christmas will be light this year. What he doesn't and will never know is I sold my $1500 camera for $250 just so he could have christmas. It was the only thing of any value we had left.

Please remember and ask others to share this one thing for Christmas..... When picking gifts for children pick the expensive elaborate gifts from yourself. From Santa pick the lesser items. Why? Because when one child tells another they got the new xbox, or whatever that kid who's parents couldn't afford it wonders if they were bad or if Santa doesn't like them.

Dec 07, 2015 9:37 PM

Phoenix, I certainly do! We don't have the money for gifts this year, except a few for the grandkids. And normally our 9 yr old granddaughter comes and decorated our tree and sweets up out manger (her Little People's manger). I yay found out she won't be here until after Christmas. It was like someone popped a balloon and it deflated what little joy I was counting on. I told my hubby I don't even want to do a tree this year. He brought things out and left them on the couch, but I just don't have anything to look forward to. I guess if they get out up he'll have to do it. With my granddaughter not doing it, it's just not the same to me. I'm having a real hard time this year, and other than what I've mentioned, I don't know why. 🙏🌼 😖

Dec 08, 2015 2:01 AM

I'm just too tired and too broke and too much in pain to do this. This is the worst year ever had and I just feel like someone has died on my birthday or like eating chocolate suddenly tastes like liver.... Just betrayed and angry at my body and my will and at Lincoln financial and my doctors and the pills and life..... it's so stupid and no one understands. They're like, if you can't do it, don't do it.
But they can't understand it's not just that I can't or don't want to, it's that I USED to LOVE it so much, and now I am betraying myself by not wanting it, and scared. Because if I suddenly just don't want something I used to love so much.... How long before life itself just gets to be too much trouble? I can't tell them that because they'll be all, she's suicidal and I'm not! I'm just tired and scared and I wish so hard that I could wake up and this stupid illness not be real. Or just be spontaneously cured. I'm the funny person, the one everyone talks to when they need an ear or a shoulder or a joke.... but they all disappeared when I got sick, my friends, not my family or bf, but I'm in agony emotionally as well as physically and what pill do I take for that? Cuz my family has their hands full with my G'ma and mom has fibro and my baby brother has a ruined back but still works manual labor..... no one has time for me (and God that sounds so selfish). My bf is great, but he doesn't understand it. He thinks it's just pain'. He's been in back pain and teeth pain for years. I'm not as tough as he is. And if I try to explain it to him he just doesn't get this all over every day wears you down until you feel like a rubber band, stretched too tight and starting to tear....... Sorry, I literally have nowhere else to try to describe this and I'm sure I sound like a crazy lady, but thank you guys for just being awesome. 😘🙊🙉💋

Dec 08, 2015 4:40 PM

PhoenixRising, You don't sound like a crazy lady! You sound just like the rest of us through our journeys of pain. Don't try to apologize and don't try to not want what you had, because as you said, that's not being true to yourself. Just let your feelings flow, face the anger & frustration head on, and do it here. This is everyone's safe zone where we can vent and voice our feelings without judgement. And the great thing about being in a community who truly "gets it," who "understands" because we've lived it, is that those who've been through it already have suggestions on how they worked through it.

Finding ourselves suddenly, or gradually physically struggling is hard enough to deal with. But add to that the emotional downslide, due to the loss of friends, family, & coworkers; the psychological changes of anxiety & depression & sleeplessness; the financial losses and sacrifices; it all adds up to a traumatic change from what we once had to what we must come to accept and learn to work around and through. It's likely the hardest thing any of us have ever had to deal with. I know it is for me. We have gone through the death of our old lifestyles, which for many of us consisted of decades of prime health, job security, and a wide circle of friends & family gatherings. For all this to come to a sudden screeching halt is nothing less than shock to our mind, body, and soul.

To get through it we must grieve. And anyone who has suddenly lost a loved one knows that grief comes in stages: shock/denial/disbelief; pain & guilt; anger; depression/longing for/loneliness; a turn towards a different goal/life; reconstructing/working through; acceptance. These are necessary steps to get to the point where our anger & resentment takes a backseat to learning to live & enjoy life in our new "normal.". It's not an easy process for any of us. Nor can we do it alone. We need each other for support, because we understand & don't judge. We need a good team of doctors who work together and with us, to help us get the most out of what was do have: a PCP, a pain specialist, a psychologist &/or psychiatrist, and any other specialist pertaining to our specific illnesses (we won't all need the same).

I know it's hard for you to see any light at the end of the tunnel, but I promise you It's there. Until you see it, just lean on us. And do what I do for Christmas; smile at others, say " Merry Christmas " & pray God blesses them with their needs & wants (something beyond my ability). You will be in my thoughts & prayers, as the road ahead will be filled with ups & downs. But we are all here if and when you need us. I'm praying God helps us all find joy in the smallest blessing for this holiday season. (((Hugs))) 🙏🌼

Dec 08, 2015 4:47 PM

I'm speechless with gratitude. I am lying here in tears because I feel like someone has actually verified me. Thank you so much Flappys, I don't have words for my gratitude. It's beena day. I fell at my G'ma's and have been writhing since, but this has helped on an emotional level. Thank you do much! Love, prayer and gentle hugs

Dec 12, 2015 2:40 PM

You are so welcome Phoenixrising! I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier but I've not had time to get online this week. I hope you are feeling better since your fall. We've all been where you are, at some point. It took me 4 years to accept this is my new life, being in denial while my health continued to grow new problems like mold. It's not easy to accept. But accepting it makes living it easier to deal with, because you're not using up your energy on negative emotions. Instead you can focus on what you can do and how to make the best of what we are able to do. (((Hugs))) & prayers to you too! 🙏🌼

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