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Depressed & Stressed & Frazzled & Ranting ... In A Very Bad Funk

Nov 16, 2016 6:03 PM

The past week has been rough for me. I've had 5 appointments so far with 2 more to go before the weekend, and 3 more over the following week. Last Thursday I had my ENT hearing test and follow up. I now have permanent nerve damage to the ear with ringing & roaring as a constant companion. Add to that hearing loss so severe I will be getting a hearing aid as soon as the insurance approves it. Yay, a hearing aid to go along with the cane and walker! *sarcasm. Then the doc's NP started my dizziness/imbalance/black out spells are not ear related. She thought I should see my cardiologist ASAP for possible POTS so I called to get my appt moved up.

On Saturday I was washing my TMJ splint while brushing my teeth. The area with a tiny hole (I pointed out to the orthodontist previously) cracked and broke off. I was unable to wear it since so my jaws are painful from the grinding in my sleep. Saw my dentist today to get a replacement ($325) since the orthodontist wanted another $1800 to make a new one. I'm not paying that for another one that didn't even last 2 years; he should have covered to replace it. *sarcasm again... I won't be going back to him since there's nothing they can do for my displaced jaws due to bone loss. I should have a new TMJ splint but December.

I got a bill in the mail Saturday from the anesthesiologists during my cervical fusion in August. They are a non participating provider and the only anesthesiologists the hospital uses. I owe them $1458.00! I'm 14 days they will turn me over to collections since this is the second bill. I've been fighting with my insurance that it's not my fault I couldn't choose a participating anesthesiologist. They'll make their decision next week, but it doesn't sound hopeful. Grrr!

I saw the Cardio NP on Monday. After describing to her what's happening she suspects "neurocardiogenic syncope" or "Autonomic dysfunction," due to the nerve damage of the 8th cranial nerve. I can be sitting and stand up to walk, or walking in one direction then turn to go the other, or bent over and straighten up... Each time it's like I feel dizzy & like I'm going to faint. Everything in front of me goes black, but these episodes only lasts 15-45 seconds. I always have to freeze in place, not move until I can see and feel steady enough to walk. I can't go 10 steps without teetering! Two days ago I bent over to get something on the sofa when my grandpup jumped on the couch, headbutting me in the temple. As I jerked up away from him my body went into a spin like a spinning top. Had my hubby not been near to reach out and grab me it would have been a disaster I'm sure. Anyway, I'm scheduled to go through a """TTT" or Tilt Table Test to check her suspicions. I dread it because it's likely going to set off my vertigo.

Tuesday brought a good lung clearance at my pulmonologist, despite the awful smoky air (from GA TN & Carolina's fires). I'm coughing with a dry scratchy throat but was able to do the spirometer test fine. The urologic exam, not so good. We discussed the ongoing & worsening urine retention, incontinence with sneezes/laughter/coughs, and the apparently worsening pelvic floor dysfunction. They did an ultrasound after going to the bathroom and I'm retaining a LOT of urine, but I feel nothing due to deadened nerves in my pelvic region (2010 mass surgery repercussion, one of many). The NP is putting me on another new (old) med, Bethanechol, for the urirary retention. I pee hourly already, and 2-3x at night. She said if this does not help, which the other two meds did not, there is no other alternative than to start using self-catheters. Add that to the cane & walker & hearing aid that's coming... Whee! NOT!!!

Then late yesterday, after the earlier stresses, I cried. I feel so old and worn out, old before my time. It would have been my mother's 83rd birthday. She died at age 65, just 10 years older than I am now. Many, many times as I've gotten older I wished she were here for me to talk to. I called her at least every other day, if not daily when she was alive. I never remember her (especially on here birthday) without struggling to forget my very last memory of her alive: struggling to let go and die while being hooked up to machines against her will. She was having a massive heart attack as my hubby and I were rushed out of the room.

When my hubby came home he was asking all about my doctor appts. By the time i finished telling him I was in tears. I reminded him it was my mom's birthday. I told him I've heard enough new things, problems for the year, for life, and sometimes I wished my next thing to swallow would be a "247. He reached out and hugged me with sad eyes, and said it will be ok.

In my pain and despair my brain couldn't even get it right, that I meant a "357 Magnum bullet.". Yes I said it, but NO I'd never do it!! I am not suicidal! I'm just really overwhelmed, stressed, Frazzled, & depressed. I've been suicidal before and it was awful, scary, and somewhere i know how to prevent returning to. And I've personally experienced the pain suicide causes to others (family & friends). But, oh I so wish I could either have one year of no more new health issues, or that my life would really end spoon in a natural way.

I'm sorry if my words angered you or made you cry. I thank you dearly for hearing me out. At least i know here I can say what i feel without judgement. Yes we all have fleeting moments of wishing it all would end, and some of us even have that quick "wish to end it" thought. We are only human after all. And too many burdens all at once would overwhelm anyone. I'm no saying. I'm not perfect. Yes I do have dark thoughts. But thank God, I know Him to call on first!

Hugs love and prayers everyone has a much better weekend than anyone has even anticipated, with low levels of pain! 🙂💕🙏🌸

Nov 16, 2016 7:51 PM

Ah Flappy, what an awful week you've been having... On top of everyday pain. Fingers crossed about the insurance coming thru. I'll say a few prayers for you .. Wishing you a restorative sleep.
Big gentle hugs!!

Nov 16, 2016 8:36 PM

Sending gentle hugs. Sorry for all you're going through.💜

Nov 16, 2016 9:07 PM

So glad you know to call on God! Hope you feel better having gotten it all out. I'm so sorry you're going through all this! Wish I could wave a magic wand & make it all go away for you! Sending you a HUGE HUG & I'm praying for relief from the stress, pain, & all the other health issues. Just remember, in heaven, we'll be able to leap, dance, run, whatever! What a glorious day that will be!

Nov 16, 2016 10:16 PM

Wow.. flappys all that seems so overwhelming. You need a good helping of comfort food and a glass of your favorite drink. Try and rest as much as you can.

Nov 17, 2016 12:10 AM

❤️❤️❤️ gentle hugs

Nov 17, 2016 12:19 AM

Yes. Gentle hugs💕

Nov 17, 2016 12:22 AM

Oh Flappys I wish I could come over to you now and give you a proper loving hug and say it'll be ok I'm here with you so instead I'll give you a virtual healing and loving hug and say I'm here if you ever want to talk. I know this dark thoughts and they're not easy to let go of. If you want to talk more just message and I'll answer as quickly as I can.
I wish there was something more I could do to help I'm sending you lots of {{{BIG GENTLE HEALING LOVING HUGS}}} along with positive thoughts, strengthening vibe and good karma xx💞🍀🌷💞

Nov 17, 2016 1:59 AM

Massive soft hugs, hope you get some good news soon 💓

Nov 17, 2016 3:05 AM

Flappsy, I am sorry that you are in such dyer straits... I've been where you are before (matter of fact, just the last couple of days have been hell and believe me, I've thought the same thing. Wishing for even 1/2 hour of nothingness. No pain, no stress, good sleep and the ability to "re-boot" and get back on track. I send you gentle, healing {{{Hugs}}} and heartfelt wishes that things get better for you soon. I'm here if you need me, as always. 💕😢

Nov 17, 2016 5:19 AM

Flappys, Mega, Gentle, Caring Hugs! 💖 Your Strength Astounds me! Keep Fighting and ranting! I am wishing you better days ahead! 🙃💖

Nov 17, 2016 5:38 AM

😢😢😢I have to say it broke my heart to hear your words!!! I feel your pain! I want you to know that it is OK to cry...you need to! We all need to understand that we HAVE to grieve the loss of the use of parts of our bodies, our senses, who we were! Soft hugs friend!!!

Nov 17, 2016 4:16 PM

I want to thank each and every one of you for your compassion, hugs, love, prayers. Today has still been a rough one, but easier than the past few days. My dizziness and imbalance is off the chain today. I drove to an appt (& back). But while I was out my blood sugar dropped causing severe shaking on top of it. My hubby met me and fed me, which helped a lot. Driving was no problem at all. But standing and walking, and omg riding the elevator...so dizzy! And I had 2 episodes of sudden sharp stabbing pain above my left eye, lasting 15-20 minutes each time... What was that?!?!?!

@Alwayz, lol my twin. Though it's not really funny, I do feel ya!

I go for my tilt table test tomorrow morning. And as much as I'd like for nothing new to be wrong, I really do need them to find out what is causing this all! I'm positive it's not just my blood sugar dropping. Wishing you all a much better 24 hours ahead, with hugs love & prayers! Oh that a pain specialist could figure out how to block pain receptors permanently... 🙂💕🙏🌸

Nov 17, 2016 5:32 PM

Flappys, I've had the tilt table testing done before for Nuerocardiogenic syncope and it's the world's most boring test. They strap you to the table and tilt up 90 degree's you'll have an IV hooked up and a no cuff and heart monitor, if you don't have symptoms in the first like 10 minutes they will give you a shot of nitroglycerin under the toung every 10 mins until you do, up to 30 Min's. The test is over once you pass out. I have Nuerocardiogenic syncope I was diagnosed with it in 2005 when I had my tilt table testing. I'll be praying for you and praying that your month gets better my friend.

Nov 17, 2016 7:53 PM

Bless you, you're having a really rough time. Sending hugs from a freezy cold Scotland xx

Nov 17, 2016 11:30 PM

Thinking of you sweetie. You bring so much joy to so many here.. Am glad you also feel you can do the leaning every once in a while. Keeping you in my prayers that each day will be better than the day before. ((( gentle hugs )))

Nov 30, 2016 9:14 AM

Thank you Sjogrenspain77, Cinders49, & Mimikay! I had the test but haven't been able to get online until today. It was a boring test pretty much, until my legs and back began to hurt from the position & hard table. I had an IV inserted but if my memory is correct they never have me anything. They instructed me to talk and tell them off any weird feelings as they happened. On the second time my body was reacting with chest pain or rapid heartbeats or dizziness, the tech told me not to speak because speaking was causing my BP to rise (as it has started dropping). I was near 35-40 minutes into the test when it started dropping again, but this time I said nothing about the dizziness, palpitations, or chest tightness & pressure. But then I started dwelling really strange in my head (not quite a black out, but like I was not really there). And the chest pain in my upper left chest (above the beast) was becoming so painful I finally told her it was hurting and I'd become nauseated. She kept telling me to hold on because something was happening. After 3 more minutes and looking at my face she lowered the table. I got a call last Wednesday that the results are irregular. I have an appt with a cardio-electrophysiologist next week. I'm nervous. I've never become nauseated with chest pain before, ever.

I saw my cardiologist at my follow up vein ultrasound Monday. He wouldn't discuss the results with me but said if be in good hands. However, he did say that sometimes medication is all that is needed. Hmm, I can only hope that's all it is. They repeated the leg vein ultrasound on both legs, and now i have vein reflux in both lower legs. I asked if the pelvic congestion of veins could be causing the vein issues in my legs and he said possibly. He told me to follow up with the doc in Savannah. Yesterday at another appt my BP changed from 130/78 to 110/68 within 5 minutes. I normally run on the low end.

Anyway, that's all I know so far. I'll update when I find out more. Hugs love & prayers for you all! 🙂💕🙏🌸

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