The past week has been rough for me. I've had 5 appointments so far with 2 more to go before the weekend, and 3 more over the following week. Last Thursday I had my ENT hearing test and follow up. I now have permanent nerve damage to the ear with ringing & roaring as a constant companion. Add to that hearing loss so severe I will be getting a hearing aid as soon as the insurance approves it. Yay, a hearing aid to go along with the cane and walker! *sarcasm. Then the doc's NP started my dizziness/imbalance/black out spells are not ear related. She thought I should see my cardiologist ASAP for possible POTS so I called to get my appt moved up.
On Saturday I was washing my TMJ splint while brushing my teeth. The area with a tiny hole (I pointed out to the orthodontist previously) cracked and broke off. I was unable to wear it since so my jaws are painful from the grinding in my sleep. Saw my dentist today to get a replacement ($325) since the orthodontist wanted another $1800 to make a new one. I'm not paying that for another one that didn't even last 2 years; he should have covered to replace it. *sarcasm again... I won't be going back to him since there's nothing they can do for my displaced jaws due to bone loss. I should have a new TMJ splint but December.
I got a bill in the mail Saturday from the anesthesiologists during my cervical fusion in August. They are a non participating provider and the only anesthesiologists the hospital uses. I owe them $1458.00! I'm 14 days they will turn me over to collections since this is the second bill. I've been fighting with my insurance that it's not my fault I couldn't choose a participating anesthesiologist. They'll make their decision next week, but it doesn't sound hopeful. Grrr!
I saw the Cardio NP on Monday. After describing to her what's happening she suspects "neurocardiogenic syncope" or "Autonomic dysfunction," due to the nerve damage of the 8th cranial nerve. I can be sitting and stand up to walk, or walking in one direction then turn to go the other, or bent over and straighten up... Each time it's like I feel dizzy & like I'm going to faint. Everything in front of me goes black, but these episodes only lasts 15-45 seconds. I always have to freeze in place, not move until I can see and feel steady enough to walk. I can't go 10 steps without teetering! Two days ago I bent over to get something on the sofa when my grandpup jumped on the couch, headbutting me in the temple. As I jerked up away from him my body went into a spin like a spinning top. Had my hubby not been near to reach out and grab me it would have been a disaster I'm sure. Anyway, I'm scheduled to go through a """TTT" or Tilt Table Test to check her suspicions. I dread it because it's likely going to set off my vertigo.
Tuesday brought a good lung clearance at my pulmonologist, despite the awful smoky air (from GA TN & Carolina's fires). I'm coughing with a dry scratchy throat but was able to do the spirometer test fine. The urologic exam, not so good. We discussed the ongoing & worsening urine retention, incontinence with sneezes/laughter/coughs, and the apparently worsening pelvic floor dysfunction. They did an ultrasound after going to the bathroom and I'm retaining a LOT of urine, but I feel nothing due to deadened nerves in my pelvic region (2010 mass surgery repercussion, one of many). The NP is putting me on another new (old) med, Bethanechol, for the urirary retention. I pee hourly already, and 2-3x at night. She said if this does not help, which the other two meds did not, there is no other alternative than to start using self-catheters. Add that to the cane & walker & hearing aid that's coming... Whee! NOT!!!
Then late yesterday, after the earlier stresses, I cried. I feel so old and worn out, old before my time. It would have been my mother's 83rd birthday. She died at age 65, just 10 years older than I am now. Many, many times as I've gotten older I wished she were here for me to talk to. I called her at least every other day, if not daily when she was alive. I never remember her (especially on here birthday) without struggling to forget my very last memory of her alive: struggling to let go and die while being hooked up to machines against her will. She was having a massive heart attack as my hubby and I were rushed out of the room.
When my hubby came home he was asking all about my doctor appts. By the time i finished telling him I was in tears. I reminded him it was my mom's birthday. I told him I've heard enough new things, problems for the year, for life, and sometimes I wished my next thing to swallow would be a "247. He reached out and hugged me with sad eyes, and said it will be ok.
In my pain and despair my brain couldn't even get it right, that I meant a "357 Magnum bullet.". Yes I said it, but NO I'd never do it!! I am not suicidal! I'm just really overwhelmed, stressed, Frazzled, & depressed. I've been suicidal before and it was awful, scary, and somewhere i know how to prevent returning to. And I've personally experienced the pain suicide causes to others (family & friends). But, oh I so wish I could either have one year of no more new health issues, or that my life would really end spoon in a natural way.
I'm sorry if my words angered you or made you cry. I thank you dearly for hearing me out. At least i know here I can say what i feel without judgement. Yes we all have fleeting moments of wishing it all would end, and some of us even have that quick "wish to end it" thought. We are only human after all. And too many burdens all at once would overwhelm anyone. I'm no saying. I'm not perfect. Yes I do have dark thoughts. But thank God, I know Him to call on first!
Hugs love and prayers everyone has a much better weekend than anyone has even anticipated, with low levels of pain! 🙂💕🙏🌸