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Mar 17, 2016 10:58 PM

I too, have had depression since childhood and thought it was normal. I've been told that only people with weak minds get depressed. Shake it off. That it's selfish. On and on.
My depression is not controlled well, if at all. This past week I've been thinking that I have nothing to offer, am a burden, am boring and am a waste of time and effort to anyone (of the very few) who have stuck around . . . etc.
It helps to know I'm not alone.

Mar 17, 2016 11:10 PM

I have had depression since I was eight. I know because when I was eight I was accused of something and I just gave up and started taking punishments for things I didn't do. I didn't even dispute them. I was being abused occasionally but I think I just gave up. I am not sure another child would have done that. I use to stay up all night long until morning and just look at the stars, I was just sad. I always felt smart and that I could do something with my life but that my parents saw something terrible in me that they could punch me the way they did. After my dad broke my nose, I just gave up and stayed home and made myself a slave. I remember one time being in the house so long that the sun hurt me when I went out. When I got older, I eventually got diagnosed as bipolar. That was really hard. It explained why I never wanted to sleep and then why I would get into deep depressions. But I am what they call a rapid cycler bipolar. I have many ups and downs through the day. So that is me

Mar 18, 2016 12:39 AM

Autoimmunes, I'm so sorry you're feeling as if you have nothing to offer. Depression clouds our sense of self worth and steals away our enjoyment in life. I think many of us have found ourselves with those thoughts. You say that your depression is not well controlled. Are you able to speak to your GP or a specialist about looking for a ways to get the depression under control? I'm glad you've posted here. We can talk with you, for sure. And hopefully let you know that you are a valuable person who has a lot to offer! Do you have anyone else to talk to? Is there a local crisis line in your area? They usually answer phones 24/7. In addition to being someone to reach out to, they can offer you resources in your area.

Thank you for posting. And, please, don't let depression win. You can fight this!

Mar 18, 2016 2:38 AM

Autoimmune, I am sorry, I got carried away. I didn't think about comforting you directly per se. I thought I was comforting by showing you you were not alone. You know they can say that you think about yourself a lot but not that your selfish. The dictionary usually regards selfishness as looking after yourself regarding your own advantage and pleasure and not thinking about other people. People who have depression are usually very giving because they don't put value on themselves and their time. Not that giving is wrong, but they tend to sacrifice their time and energy more the most people because the feel worthless. They think about themselves a lot in the fact of how sad, and worthless they feel.

You are far from that autoimmune. You have shared some very positive comments that have lifted my spirits. That comes from a good person who has a good heart. People who have a good heart are very valuable today because we do see many selfish people who look for their own advantage and pleasure. You think of others. That is starting to be a rare art. Value you that. Only you can put a value on that. Do you have children? I have helped my friends this way. We are not hard on little children. We see the simple goodness in them. We see that when they love art and try to do it, we tell them they are good at it. We don't expect perfection out of them. Consider who are you judging yourself from? Who's eye's are you using. Because I am sure you are not that harsh on other people. So think of yourself as a child and as a parent. Look at your qualities really deeply. How you treat people? Are you loyal? Are you compassionate, ect. Pretend you are the child as you think of them and how proud they would be. Then be the GOOD parent who praises a child for good things. What would you tell that child about her. Would you tell her she is worthless. Give her the love she needs. I am sorry if this upsets you. It is just something that has helped me and I have been able to help others with. So I thought I would share. But remember, you are a good and nice person. At least you have been to me.

Mar 18, 2016 3:36 AM

For crisis hotline call 24/7
800-273-8255 press 1 if you are a veteran.

Mar 18, 2016 4:26 AM

Hi. I wonder sometimes whether I'm bipolar. Since my teens there have been periods when I'd just drop out and then reappear weeks or months later not knowing that I'd done that. Now I know. Anyway, I wonder if it's a separate kind of depression from my daily hauntings. How do you find out?
I've been ashamed to ask about this; afraid to be seen as a complainer. I have so many diagnoses.
I have been told that Psychiatry for depression is unavailable through Medicare and I know that the type of counseling prescribed is ineffective for me.
Your thoughts are welcome. I've been battling this for decades. My PCP has Rx'd a medicine that worked for a short time but now mostly doesn't.

Mar 18, 2016 4:29 AM

And thank you very much for your helpful thoughts. That does help a Lot.

Mar 18, 2016 5:16 AM

Profiler, I like the idea of reparenting one's self. My parents were and are the abusive, critical, name calling voices in my head. Having said that, I appreciate them for being as good to me as they knew how to be.
It's hard, I still get treated that way and it makes me angry & fearful and not want to visit. But I have to, my siblings are not kind.
& Yes, I do have two grown children. I never treated them like I was and they are good, kind, gentle people. But both are ill and cannot help much. One has small children and similar diagnoses to mine and the other is disabled with schizophrenia.
However, the little grands keep me smiling and focused outside of myself.
You are right, I tell them that they are smart, talented, fun and attractive . . . and to brush their teeth, etc. I encourage them, do projects with them, visit the school, etc. I act happy even when I am deathly depressed.

Mar 18, 2016 6:37 AM

I commend you on your courage to share your inner most self with us. Profiler- the same for you. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse, & my mom is narcissistic - so her world growing up was all I knew. Leaving home & turning to anything that allowed me not to feel "me" was my new world. I thought everyone had the same kind of life, so I never questioned it. The wreckage I caused myself & others for the next 15+ years was so distructive

Mar 18, 2016 6:45 AM

I suffered in pain of all kinds emotionally & physically... It wasn't until I was in my 40's, that I was finally diagnosed with chronic depression, CREST syndrome disease, chronic pain, chronic migraines, insomnia, & ulcerative colitis... All within a couple of months! What a whammy! It's been a year since those major blows, & I have begun to understand the "why's" & "how's" of my past. Today I am happily married, in counseling, clean & sober for 12 years, & elated that there are medications to help me with my new "normal".

Mar 18, 2016 6:48 AM

Most days are more difficult than others. It isn't easy dealing with all the stuff that is put in front of us. Yet we are all still here, lifting one another up, & still moving forward- even if it's an inch at a time some days. Try tying a knot at the end of your rope, & hang on for the ride. Remembering the good days when we are in the bad ones. Xoxxo 💗☕️💐🙏🏼

Mar 18, 2016 1:51 PM

Profiler, that was such a wonderful and insightful post. I need to start looking at myself like this. Thank you (:

Mar 18, 2016 2:13 PM

Autoimmune, psychiatrist are covered by Medicare if your other doctors are covered. I go to one. They are just covered half way. The way mine works is he charges his cost which is expensive, then Medicare makes him takes away most of his overprice away. Then you are left to pay half. I usually pay half. The thing about psychiatrist is that they don't don't do any counseling. They totally concentrate on treating depression or other mental diseases with medicine. That is their skill. They pick the best medicine based on what you tell them.

Mar 18, 2016 2:21 PM

As far as bipolar is concerned, if you find that you are on top of the world and excited(as far as you can be in pain), spending money beyond your means (for some), talking fast, things just speed up for you and people notice it. Then you crash and you sleep and don't want to get out of bed and you are majorly depressed. Sometimes it can be like me where you experience things profoundly. You get extremely sad one moment and extremely psyched and hour later. That is a rapid cycler.

Mar 19, 2016 10:26 AM

There are different types of Bipolar disorder it's so complicated. Bipolar Axis 1, Axis 2 also a type that cycles quickly like a few days of depression then changes quickly to mania. My 1st psychiatrist in 1992 diagnosed me with depression and anxiety i took Prozac it changed my life for the best. But 7 yrs ago other psychiatrist said i had bipolar disorder because i have pressured speech and change subjects while talking. My symptoms are similar to Adhd I've had Adhd since age 6! I took Adderall/Ritalin all these yrs But when that 2nd dr said I'm Bipolar he refused to write prescription for Adderall/Ritalin! Now I'm depressed everyday because I need the positive lift I get from it I have no motivation to do anything. I avoid paying my bills, taking a shower and cleaning house. I just wanna give up :(

Mar 19, 2016 10:52 AM

FreetoFly, maybe you need to change doctors. My doctor treats me for my bipolar with Geodon, the antipsychotic, and also gives me Adderall for my ADHD. He feels you can have both. You can have problems with focusing. I notice without my Adderall, I reall don't get much out of the books that I read. I find myself rereading the sentences. Like I said, I think you can have both those diagnosis in one person. I have been treated by three psychiatrist that way. Just thought I would let you know. Best wishes to you.

Mar 19, 2016 12:43 PM

Wow! I read all your posts and can't believe how similar big parts of my life are/were to you. I loved my life until I was eight, then the depression started after we moved out of state. It was because my dad wouldn't talk to me about it, and he yelled at me and basically dismissed me. I shut down for a long time because I felt like I didn't matter. I still feel that way, and I still hear both parents' voices (abusive comments). I don't have mania just the deep depression. I have avoided talking to a therapist because I don't want to rehash everything and it didn't help before. I'm on 2 antidepressants. My family doesn't understand fibromyalgia or anything else that's wrong with me.

Now I live with my mother and my brother's kids until next weekend. After that we go back to my mom's tiny apartment. My brother passed away Christmas Eve, and it was devastating. We were very close, and I miss him so much. So I'm trying to do what I can to help the kids and my mom with everything. She constantly gets upset with me for forgetting things, because I can't think straight sometimes, because I can't do the physical things she wants done (because she's 71 and she can do it - constantly comparing my pain to hers), etc. I can't say anything about hurting cause she says join the club or something like that. I could go on and on, but I'll stop!

So I feel for all of you. The depression and feeling worthless can consume us if we let it. I'll keep you in my prayers!

Mar 19, 2016 4:54 PM

You were right to feel sad when you were a child. You are also right to feel sad are out being robbed of a happy childhood. It is time to build a new happy life for yourself which you deserve. The chance to find out who you are and reward yourself for all the kind things you set out to achieve. Search and find a happier place inside yourself, no matter how small that place is. Find your starting spot then paint yourself into a new scene, a fresh picture, where you can see yourself happy; and grow your new seed from that point. Your new destiny is of your creation, you are now in control. Lots of Love

Mar 19, 2016 7:04 PM

Thanx for the affirmation. I definitely have deep depression recently i tried Lutuda and dr wrote rx for Tegretal I shouldn't be on either meds. It's like my dr is trying to kill me. This coming Friday I'm going to a different dr for a medication evaluation this is first time..

Mar 19, 2016 7:58 PM

Dahlia, I really like what you said. It was very kind and nice. It also is very wise. That went along with what I said about talking to your inner child like a kind and loving parent that your parents were suppose to be. People just need to be kind to themselves and move forward. I need to do that. I have a hard time with that. I have gone to therapy and they say I am very honest with myself and have very good insight into myself about what I need to do. But I just can't bring myself to feel that way. I can see myself good in many ways except one. My mother left something in a will for me. She said it before but she wanted it to be her last words to me. She said I was not capable of love. She said that after I stayed home and took care of her. I would rub her feet. I just couldn't see how a mother would say that unless she saw something in me that I couldn't see. She was a mentally abusive person but she tricked people into thinking she was kind and that I never helped her. So, I try to help people and listen to people because I want to and to see if I am capable of love. I feel numb though.

Mar 19, 2016 9:02 PM

Profiler, I know it's hard not to keep replaying those words from your mother. I do the same thing. Was she getting dementia before she passed? No one could take care of a parent without caring about them. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you have a lot of good qualities!

Mar 19, 2016 9:28 PM

No she was only forty nine. She asked me to do everything for her when she was capable. I did it because for the first ten years, they said I was a bad person. So I started to feel guilty. So I started to punish myself. I made myself a slave. I was twelve. I started doing the laundry, cleaning all the rooms and cooking every day. My mother never did anything. When I was fourteen, my mother wanted me to push her around the malls in a wheelchair during school hours. So I would go to school three out of five days until she told me to quit. She told me it would give me more time for the house. I did all this because she said all I did would give them problems. I would do these things for them but I hated them. Because no matter how much I tried to prove myself, I was always the bad person. It was just me. My brother and sister were treated fine but they did nothing for anyone. She would talk so nice about them to me and other people. People would come up to me and ask me how could I treat my mother this way. She would tell them I wouldn't help her. But I was doing everything. I would go into major depressions. I would go into my room and scream as loud and long as I possibly can because I couldn't take it any more. When I would do that, I would scare myself, I would feel like my mind was splitting. But then I would cry uncontrollably for an hour and then be so sad and hopeless for a day or two. But I was numb most of the time. I always wished that I was adopted. I felt like there must be a reason they hated me. Because I was trying so hard for them to like me. I was hoping someone would take me away. My dad would physically abuse me. I would always dream that I was running and he was catching up with me and the wind was getting so strong that it kept me in the same place but my father was bigger and he was getting closer. But before he could get me, I stretched out my hands and I could fly away. But he was too heavy too. I was just so sad. Now I am numb. But I love people. At least I try to prove that to myself every day.

Mar 21, 2016 5:23 PM

Autoimmune, you are right you are not alone.
I have watched some good Ted talks about depression.
It is tough. My councillor has me taking mini vacations from depression and all the other stuff that comes with it. It is hard work.
I hope you can be a good friend to yourself. Saying this I am still trying and am challenged with this. You are important.

Mar 22, 2016 1:12 PM

Thank you Beets. And Profiler, I am so sorry about what you went through. Invisible abuse causes so very much suffering; it's like these illnesses that others can't see.

I do find that being numb makes it impossible to truly give or accept love. (I'm working on it.) It's been my role to be the giver. Being a receiver is . . .? Being happy? Right now, I fake it to help others enjoy themselves.

My parents were both abusive. I used to hide between my mattress and box spring. Kinda miss that place right now.

As an adult I've been ostracized. I became an orphan while my mother was still alive. I didn't understand it, until she died. I discovered she'd been telling our friends and relatives that I was mistreating her. I went into a deeper depression than ever.
It's still with me.

Last fall, 25 years later, while visiting my dad after not seeing him for many yrs, my brother said (on the family Facebook page) that I'd poisoned my mother! Insanity reigns supreme. I remember why I stopped trying. My mother always told me to never talk about such things outside the family so I have been sitting on this post for two and a half days. Feel like I'm going against her wishes.

Dahlia was right, we could paint ourselves into a new, happy scene. But I'm having a really hard time with it.

Thanks you guys, for sharing and, for just being there.

Mar 23, 2016 7:56 AM

I have depression, anxiety and ptsd. A lot of this sounds like ptsd that I can relate to, the playing in my mind and dreams of past issues.

What really stuck me was the bipolar descriptions. The anxiety i have can make me almost high, fidgety, busy so on. If I am extremely anxietied out and have other issues come up causing more anxiety it can be overload and I crash out maybe due to low cortisol and dhea.

I had issues in my childhood and went through therapy for about six months (at 24 i am now 47) it was a hard road. You have to find a councilor that is right for you. I was able to put my mom in a place mentally I could handle. It worked for years and then she became more toxic. I recognized the increase toxicity put her on warning and when she continued i was able to completely cut her from my life 7 years ago.

I am back in theraphy now for work related ptsd. Again a hard battle. Sometimes after my session I sit in my car and cry, sometimes I make it home to cry and others I don't cry at all. I know my only shot for improvement is working through it and made the tough descision to hash through all the crap. Really either way I was hashing through it everyday this way I just say it out loud for an hour every week and learn coping mechanisms. The hardest thing to accept is there is no cure but learning how to take a different route in thinking does have benefits.

You are so not alone! Never give up. Most importantly.....People who have issues are not weak they have just been strong to long.

Mar 23, 2016 12:43 PM

Hey Shamagren :-) Thank you for sharing your life experience and feelings. I love your last line. That is so true.

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