Question: How do i deal with a child who is taking all sorts of drugs (illegal). Who I have to kick out constantly but she keeps returning only to raid the fridge and do her washing, while starting arguments which end up being violent. I have tried to help with psychs and prescription medication but she refuses to take it. Today we had a fight of a magnitude that has never happened before. I have bruises and I'm sure she does too. I'm hurting so much emotionally and physically. I have told her to never come home again. I can't cope with it anymore and it is making my fibro even worse. Any suggestions??😔😔
Hi ouchithurts i m not sure but I can do one thing for you two actually. I can pray for you and be a good and great friend to you . I hope that everything works out soon and that you can find peace and not be hurting. Have you tried therapy? Just a suggestion. Welcone to the community btw I Shore hug gently 👍🌈🌈🙏🙏🤗🦋I hope that you have a better day today , later
Ouchithurts2, my heart is breaking for you, and I'm sending you gentle hugs. I can't tell you what you should do but I can share how my hubby & I handled our children.
Although my children never got into illegal drugs or became physically violent they weren't perfect by far, and they pushed every button they could to the extreme, even to the point of almost causing my marriage to split twice by pitting parents against each other. Between the time they were ages 13-24 there were many many verbal fights and arguments, and some really ugly situations that I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it through with sanity. We never threw them out perse', but each of them moved out several times and returned home with their tails tucked under and humble as pie (the oldest left & returned 3x, and now lives with her own family; the youngest only left & returned twice & returned once; & now successfully lives on her own - she learned watching her sibling's mistakes). They were given ultimatums of "live here respecting our rules, or find somewhere else to go," and of course being angry and thinking they should be allowed to do as they pleased, even if it was disrespectful and inconsiderate of me & their Dad, they chose to leave. But we did not have a revolving door where they could come & go at will; we told them we were not a hotel or soup kitchen where they could come eat our food and use our laundry room for free convenience (I actually made one child use a laundromat when she overloaded the washer and broke it...even after we replaced it, lol). The only times they were allowed to return home was when we could see they had fallen into emergency situations not of their own doing, but they had to agree to return respecting our home rules & us. They knew our rules were consistent and stayed the same always. They were often reminded (even recently as reminders for the grandchildren) that "every action has a reaction, and every choice has a consequence;" if they couldn't live with the consequence they needed to reconsider what choice of action they might take. If they were unwilling to live by our rules of respecting each and every member of the household they knew what their choice had to be. After they graduated high school, we would remind them it's our house and we make the payments on bills not them, but as long as they could respect us they could consider it their home until they were able to stand on their own feet. If they couldn't they had to find somewhere else to go.
As hard as it is to let go, stand strong by what you decide is best for you, and your daughter, in the long run. Maybe she needs to realize just how hard living an adult life can be. Reconsider allowing her to use your laundry room or come by just to eat, especially with her being physically & verbally disrespectful of you. As she gets older and matures hopefully she will change her disrespectful behavior.
It was never easy to watch our children leave, even under good circumstances, but everyone learns best by making their own mistakes. And I have to honestly say the youngest one matured several years younger than our oldest did. Now that they have children in their lives who depend on them, they understand where we were coming from One of my favorite things to say to them when they were acting so ugly & disrespectful was, "I hope you grow up and have 10 children just like yourself!"😡. My oldest begged me a few months ago, "Mom, please take that curse back about 10 children just like me. The 4 I have are more than I can handle!". I laughed & laughed & laughed! 😂
I'm sending you hugs of comfort with love & prayers for strength! 🙂❤🙏🌼
Thankyou so very much for you kind and heartfelt words. It means a lot to me after being absent from this wonderful community for a couple of years. They have been very trying, tiresome years too.
I have tried all the therapy under the sun for her, but nothing works. She is a very manipulative child and even had her psychiatrist believing I was a drug addict, because of the fibro, her Dad is an alcoholic because he enjoys a beer while watching the rugby! Her brother is epileptic because Mum is a drug addict!☹ Her uncle is bi polar. All of which is not true, but they believed her lies because she was so conniving and still is, unfortunately.
I have cleaned out her room and bagged everything up. Told her to come and collect it within a week or I will donate it to charity. My mum has suggested that I look at it as though she has left and gone overseas. It is extremely hard knowing that she is only a few mins drive from me, it would be better if she was o/s.
However I am sticking to my guns. My house, my rules. No under age drinking, no drugs unless prescribed by a Dr. No disrespectful, foul language. No coming in eating and leaving a massive mess, I'm not a restaurant and laundromat. Until she can do that I do not want her back. I love my daughter but do not like the person she has become. Am I being too hard on her? I feel she has to learn and she won't until she stops all her drinking and drug taking.
Hi I think that you did the right thing and just maybe by doing this , she will straighten up . Maybe then she can come back for visits with all of you , I’m have trouble of my own with my family to my Sisters but I’m learning I’m not under there control I’m under mine and my new Life where I live . My both parents care in heaven and I’m on my own but I have now a fiancée who very love and care towards me ))) we are getting married September 6 2020. Hes also going through a procedure before me so all in all good life .. I wish you the very best to hug gently . I’m here to chat if you want to Shore 🦋🦋🌈🙏🙏Welcome back to
Thankyou Weddinfshore, yes it's a tough one. But we all learn from our mistakes and no matter how many times you tell a child, they think that they know it all!🤪 I know eventually she'll come back into our lives, it may take years and hurts like crazy. She will realise that she has missed out on so many things. From school dances to just spending quality time with those who love her.
Gentle hugs back as I worked hairdressing yesterday and am in a rather bad flare up today 🤗💜
Hi i hope that you feel better soon, my head ache is slowly going away from me maybe I can sleep tonight))))) . I am still nervous about the 17 but not going to dwell on as much as before . Just take it one day at a time like my church choir said to me this Monday... But I do ty you for all of your prayers to me . My. Dr in my chart said to me there are option but I am have doge Rhyitzotomy just not sure when or what yet... I’m just looking thing up just not as much as before bc,it gives me head ache. When I do. Hug gently 🦋🙏🌈🤗 I rested all day but will go out tomorrow and the next few days. Later Shore
Ouchithurts2. Bravo for you standing up for your values and yourself! I think what your doing is the right thing to do. You don’t deserve being mistreated and disrespected. Sounds like your daughter needs a reality check and will get one when your not being a rug for her to walk on. It’s “tough love” as they call it. In time she will/may realize what a big mistake she made. Sometimes children have to learn things the hard way. Like FlappysLady said,Give ultimatums, live here respect our rules or find somewhere else to live. Set limits and stick to them. You can’t make her stop drinking and taking drugs unless SHE wants to do it. It’s a hard pill to swallow as a mom seeing your child destroying her life and you can’t fix it. I hope in the near future she will seek the help she needs. Sending you 😘🤗 because I know your hurting. But know what your doing is right. 💕🌺🦋
Hi there guys Good Morning to you all . I had a nice night last night I put a dream catcher by my bed sleepy really good hmm 🤔. I hope that you guys try it bc it really helps. I also watch asmr videos before bed and after I wake up it really helps . Watch Josie asmr she really helps also . Enjoy this !!!!!!!!. Hug gently Shore have a nuce one ☝️ ❤️❤️🦋🙏🌈🤗How are you today butyou ? And all . And how are you ouch?
Ouchithurts, I'm sending you some extra hugs because it is hard! One daughter withheld our grandchildren from us for 3 months, just because we didn't do what she thought we should ($$$... & she already lived on her own). Talk about hard to the point of fracturing inside out; it felt like she ripped our hearts out and stomped on them!! Once all the dust settled and those months were over, we set her & her spouse down and told them "Do not ever think you will begin using the children as a manipulative tool, pawns, in order to get us to do whatever you think we should. Because we will not be your puppets. You are adults and if you think you can push and pull your children in & out of our lives at will, then you need to consider us dead. Because it would be better for them to think that than to have you rip their hearts & ours apart because you want to punish us for your own sadistic selfish reasons!" They have never again withheld our grandchildren from us, nor have they ever asked for money or taken advantage of us babysitting again (they only came home 3-4 hours late once!). I would never have even thought of treating my parents how they have! Our son-in-law once said, "You're her parents, it's your response.". I looked at him in shock and said, "That may be how your parents raised you, but the day our children became adults is the day we no longer had any responsibility or obligation to them. And it's been that way in both our families for generations, so you need to think again & grow up!"
I wish I could tell you the pain gets easier to bear but I can't. I can tell you that your strength will grow stronger though, and it will be easier to stand your ground for what is right. Hugs love & prayers!! 🙂❤🙏🌼
Painwarriror Thankyou for your kind words. Yes she was given the option months ago to stay at home. But, she came back a week later and said, ' it's better if I couch surf for a while. Because I don't want to live with your rules'. Well so be it I said. That was before the last violent outburst. I am standing my ground and sticking to my words. Like superglue!! 🤗💜🌸
Flappyslady I feel for you and your grandchildren. How our own kids can be so damb disrespectful after we give everything we have to them? I'm glad you sat them down and told them how it was going to be, you taught them a good lesson, even as adults. 🤗💜🌸
Hi is this ok to say my parents raised me and my sisters really good. It’s just that they don’t get along with each other and only sometimes with me. But I’m learning that I’m on my own now and I’m going to have my own family with my fiancé and his family . I have a ? Is it wrong to Love and get along more with your fiancé then your own family at times? I ? This slot but I should not right? Hug gently gtg Shore )) have a nice night
Ouchithurts, it's not easy. It's actually the hardest thing to do...tough love as it's called.
Shore, God says a man shall leave his father & mother, and be with his wife; I think it's the same in reverse, that a woman shall leave her parents to form her own family too. Another way to think about it is "cutting the apron strings." So no, do not feel guilty. The fact you are ready to make your own family with your fiancee needs to be a signal to both your parents and your siblings that you are moving out into your own space, to create your branch of the family tree. And the fiancee will be #1 while your parents move down the scale.
Hi Flappy , I thank you so much 😊.. hug to everyone have a nice night Shore 🦋❤️🌈🤗🙏🙏🦋 But I still think my parents are still number one to me even when they are in Heaven as well as my fiancé is also . You helped to see that and my fiancé and everyone ty much night Shore
When I was diagnosed my oldest sister was kicked out of the house for drugs and my mom felt the same way you do now. No it’s not easy but the best thing you could do for your child is to put them in rehab. My sisters heart stopped and that’s when my mom said you eaither get out or go to rehab
Talia, I know how hard that was for your Mom, you & your sister. I had 2 siblings who had to make the same decision; seek help or you are out on your own. Sadly, my sister's took years to really change and walk away from the illicit drugs & destructive behavior lifestyle, and they carry many emotional & physical scars because of their choices. I hope your sister is doing much better! Hugs love & prayers you have a good weekend! 🙂❤🙏🌼
Hi Talia, Thankyou, I wish I could get her to rehab. But the laws here in South Australia say that once they reach 16 yrs old, a child is old enough to make their own decisions. So I can book appointments with top psychiatrists, counsellors and the like but wether she attends is up to her. She has to realise she is doing the wrong thing, making bad choices and generally not giving a toss about those who really love her. 🤗💜😊