My name is Dan. About 12 years ago, I fell off a ladder about 20 feet. It took my foot off and damaged my back. It took eight surgeries over three years to get my foot to stay together. We had to travel to many different hospitals and try different things. At times, I asked them just to take it off. Since then I, I have been disabled. That same day, I hurt my back very badly. The doctors didn't think so because they didn't see anything. But I asked them to explain how come I could no longer sit down. I could only lay down on my side. Since then, it has been one thing after another. I now have several health problems. I take thirteen to fifteen different pills. My bones are disintegrating. I started off with arthritis at the break site. Now I have severe arthritis in seven different spots. The worse being the back and the shoulder. I am 45 years old and I no longer have any cartilage in the socket of my shoulder and they want to do a shoulder replacement surgery very soon. I use to rate my pain a six out of ten on my worse days before. But now I am dealing with an eight and I have always had a high pain tollerance. Do any of you have specific areas you should have pain but several times a week are overcome with total body pain that feels like it is eatin you alive. The only thing I can do is put a very warm blanket on. I don't tell my family. I don't want to die but I wish I didn't have to,live anymore like this. I feel I have been strong long enough. I feel like I am taking the blows for a group of people. I know that is not the case. It just feels like more pain than one person can take. I guess I should be happy someone else doesn't have to experience it.
As much pain as I am in, I don't think I was ever really severely depressed. But I have found myself that way lately. My family has put up with my illnesses for a long time and they have been very supportive until now. I understand it comes to a point that they have had enough. I wish they knew that point came a long time ago for me. Things go wrong for me a lot. I have to go to the emergency room, be put in the hospital. Things happen at home that are scary, rashes break out and do on. My family would listen to my concerns as I would try to figure out what is going on. But now my wife has requested that I no longer tell her about the things that are or I think is happening to me. She states that there is nothing that she can do about it. She suffered with severe depression for many, many years. It was once pointed out to me that we as husbands can not fix the problem, but we can listen. So I listened, and listened endlessly. I showed empathy for her. I hated to see here unhappy. I know she can't fix my problems but with all my problems, I have developed an anxiety disorder. It would be nice if she would just listen. I guess I am mad that she doesn't want to return the favor. I went off a medicine. It is causing me to involuntarily hum and rock back and forth at times. These are very embarrassing to me. I don't do it if I am in an active conversation but it happens through the night and I am driving my family crazy. They are very mad t me at times and rant at me. They will tell me that I need to stop it I'd do it lower. My daughter told me she thinks I have control over it. I asked her if she really thought I would deliberately make her unhappy.? What this gets down to and I am sorry it took so long to tell my story. But all of this just makes me feel alone. We are alone already because they don't know or understand or comprehend what we are going through. And we are happy about that. They may reason they hurt for a week so they understand. But that pain was quickly forgotten. Most of us live with pain. We wake up with it and try to pull it with ourselves out of bed. We carry it where ever we go and usually have to rest so we can find the strength to pick it up again. I hope nobody feels the way I do but a part of me is sad to think a lot of you just may.