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Domestic Violence

Aug 24, 2015 5:01 AM

Hi everybody, this is a very delicate but important topic. I have heard from a couple of members that they have suffered from domestic violence and I think it might be worth talking about it in the community. Doctors know for sure that domestic violence (and other traumatizing events) can feed or even cause fibromyalgia or other types of chronic pain.

I know that talking about this topic is not easy but I'd like to try to start a discussion, hoping that it will help some of you. Maybe some of you can give advice on how to stop the violence or get away from it. It would also be interesting to know whether the violence might have started the pain or not. And last but not least, it helps to know that you are not alone.

Aug 24, 2015 8:47 AM

This is a very important topic for sure. My issues did not start mine, or maybe it did I was pregnant when I left and had a lot of issues while pregnant. It took me a couple years after my child's birth to feel any better. Then 16 years later I had my 2nd child and the fibro came on. 8 years after my 2nd child I started having pain seizures and that was the start of full blown fibro to the point I can't work. Anyway I was 19 to 21 when the abuse happened. The problem in my opinion is others are quick to say if my significant other ever hit me I would be gone. They don't understand it starts slowly with mental abuse. I know in my case first I didn't see my friends then family. I felt like I would and could never do better than him. I was completely dependent on him. Then he hit me. I remember once he hit me while I was driving his car and I stopped across from a police car and got out at which point he hit me again and the officer seen what was happening. I don't know why but I grabbed a wrench and started beating his car and finally the officer came over to tell me if I did not stop I was going to jail. There was another time I was trying to leave and made it to the middle of the street and he came out and grabbed me by the hair kicked me in the stomach just as a cop car was coming down the street. So the cop stops to tell us to get out of the road. Another example is I was wearing his sweats and he hit me I ran out the door and of course he was calling me names and told me I was not leaving in his clothes so there in the front yard I stripped ready to walk away completely naked. I look back and can't believe that person was me. Now I know mental and emmotional comes before physical. I wish instead of telling me to get out someone would have just been my friend and asked if there was anything they could do. It takes a lot of planning to leave and fear keeps you there. I secretly talked to a couple family members, back then they had phone booths, anyway at first just to tell them I loved them. Then to ask if I needed a place could I stay with them. Finally the day came when I could sneak away. He came back and got me multiple times, including once clear across state. But after talking with family I clung on to them caring and helping and got out. It was so hard to not go back, I had lost all my friends and most of my family wanted nothing to do with me. I felt so alone. Slowly I started getting back on my feet, very slowly. It probably took me 3 years to get back to being close to the person I had been. It is a very difficult journey. I have a wonderful husband now and am happy I found him.

Aug 24, 2015 9:49 AM

I'm so sorry for what you, and others have gone through Shammagren! I'm blessed to have a non-abusive marriage. But I grew up in a domestically violent family, and the emotional and physical pain I suffered made me who I am today. Before we married I told my hubby about my childhood and watching other siblings get in bad relationships. Right up front I told him if he, or any man, ever hit me, once would be the first and last time then if be gone. It saddens me because I suspect my daughter is in a emotionally (& possibly physical) violent marriage, and I've tried to talk to her but he's convinced her she can't do better. Sorry for digressing.

I'm sure my my anxiety and depression started back in my early childhood. I was afraid of everybody and everything. In storms I'd sit under a table holding my grandmother's hand. And I'm certain the stress I've been under for 15-20 years as the "caretaker" has worsened my pain since 2010. I broke down last year and let them all know I could no longer be everyone's care giver, because I could barely take care of myself. Surprisingly they're all finding ways to handle their own issues. I help when I can, but WOW, was it a relief in stress! Lower stress = lower pain. 🙏🌼

Aug 24, 2015 10:10 AM

Flappy I didn't even think of the abuse I had as a child mostly verbally, mentally and emmotionally with some physical being part of "domestic violence" funny how we learn to down play things in life.

Aug 24, 2015 11:39 AM

My family has always been pretty supportive, no matter what happens. However, my pain did get much worse after switching schools. 4th and 5th grade, I went to a school that seemed to encourage fighting. Teachers, scared of students. I would literally run home from school, having people get up in my face and want to fight. I don't understand it. Went back to the school years later, only to need to take golf clubs out of other teen's hands. I'm pretty safe, though.

Aug 24, 2015 8:07 PM

I have never experienced domestic violence in my adult life. My husband is living and kind. I did however see abuse growing up between my mother and stepfather. Daniel, are thou implying that even being exposed to domestic abuse as a child can generate fibro as an adult? I didn't show signs of fibro until I was 40 years old.

Aug 24, 2015 8:57 PM

Sadly I was in an abusive relationship some 15+ years ago. It's a long story and I really need to sleep. I'll try and write it tomorrow.

Aug 24, 2015 9:37 PM

Yup. Domestic violence. First husband schizophrenic next live in boyfriend abusive. Been through the mill.

Aug 25, 2015 10:37 AM

I grew up in an abusive family. I was walked all over by my first husband, lots of emotional abuse. My next relationship, I had three girls by him. Everything was fine until first prrgnancy. He started changing and slowly changed me. Emotional and mental abuse in bucketloads. I was on tenterhooks not knowing what to do or say without his approval. I was a broken mess. He attacked me once, kicking my lower spine, I had just recovered from symphis pubis dysfunctia. He threw me out to replace me with his mistress. That was the kindest thing he did for me. I fought to get my girls and to build myself back up. I was in lots of pain which worsened with all the stress. I am now left with pain from my waist down, joint pain in my hands, and a loving husband I met two years ago on the Internet who adores me even with all my pain.

Aug 25, 2015 12:56 PM

I have not exactly violence, just massive manipulations by both my mother and stepmother. They both have personality disorders. My mom, at least she actually exists part of the time. There's a switch, though. She'll only be angry once that switch happens. Also, my sister and her would sometimes get angry at each other or me. I remember my sis saying she was going to run away, I tried to stop her, she tried to suffocate me with a pillow, my mom took her off me, then they were both blaming me for everything.
Mom also got a doc to quit on me during the divorce. Not fun.
Then there's my stepmom. Hystrionic personality disorder, she needs attention. Says she wants my sis and I around, then locks us out of the house. Convinced me to run away once by manipulating words in therapy. Scaring supervisors (for visits with my mom) more than my mom. Grabbed my sis at one point. Had an affair, told the kids before or dad. Stopped insurance for weeks, just because. Moved my walker when it was the only thing that I had left to be independent. Ignored when I said she was hurting me.
Stole my family's baby photos from Tennessee. This really pissed me off. We found them in the attic. I had specifically hidden them because they are the only original copies, and they belong to my dad. Faked an illness. Was so deluded she ended up at the hospital for 2 weeks, after knowing she should go to the doc because her infection could spread. When it did, she claimed positivity saved her. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Antibiotics, painkillers. These saved her. She could have died. Later, she faked illness.
It's obvious fake. She was too busy talking. It's like one of those poems about kids pretending to be sick, until they realize it's the weekend.
My actual family is much more supportive.

Aug 25, 2015 9:01 PM

Hi you can call me mami. I have been abused so bad my whole life but i really don't know where 5o stop. Getting help ty obthe c surgeons today has been horrible anguish. I heed prayers bad an b I believe it's I time to b get our

Aug 26, 2015 6:15 AM

Iam ready for my surgery over with. I also am ready to walk away from my boyfriend I can't take another 7 yrs of abuse.

Aug 26, 2015 12:06 PM

I had a physically and mentally abusive wife. The physical didn't bother me that much waking me up at night pounding on my head wasn't great but honestly she couldn't hit very hard. The emotional abuse is what destroyed me. It went on for years and only got worse I felt so worthless I stayed because I was convinced there was no way I could go. Wasn't till I hurt myself at work which brought on the fibromyalgia that I said enough was enough and finally left. At times it still bothers me that she got the best of me. Always telling me how worthless I was and how no one would ever take me. But I'm here six years later with all my health problems happier than any moment with her.

Sep 15, 2015 5:55 PM

Many thanks to everybody for sharing your personal stories. It saddens me to read that there are so many bad people who treat you in a way which you don't deserve at all. You are great people and deserve friends and family who support and protect you. Unfortunately I don't know how I can help you.

Does anybody have advice about how to get out of an abusive/violent relationship?

Sep 15, 2015 6:20 PM

There are domestic violence hotlines that you can call for help. Also you can dial 211 which is a county referral agency and they can give you the number to your local DV hotline. All these services are free and confidential. Hope this helps. And please do not be ashamed for asking for help.

Sep 16, 2015 9:59 PM

I read a quote I'd like to share, "Never making a decision because you're afraid you'll make the wrong one will get you nowhere," by Joyce Meyer. She was abused and references it in many of her books.

Sometimes battered people are afraid leaving (or standing up to the abuser/calling for help) will be a mistake, because the abuser has made them feel they'll never have anything better, or made them fear for their life. I've had battered friends and family members, and this was a common thought by all of them. It's a manipulating lie. No one deserves to be abused. But only the victim can say they've had enough and take a step to change things. If you are in this type situation, I'm praying for you. I don't know your name of who you are, but God does. I've been there as a scared and terrified child, and as a victimized teenager. Be strong and take that first step. I did. 🙏🌼

Sep 17, 2015 11:27 AM

I have so much to say about this I can't speak😖 I think it's critically important. I can almost track my symptoms to the origin. There is still so much victim shaming--now more than ever it seems. Even among professionals--they're not conscious of it. It's not about that (being a victim). I've done everything I know to try and help myself. What it is about is cause and effect. That doesn't mean I want to be disempowered--it means I must acknowledge the truth to get my power back. That has been quite a task. I feel like I'm living out a version of Stockholm syndrome right now. I left an abusive marriage and wound up back home with the original blueprint. It's almost harder when it is less visible, just like illness :(. I also know they couldn't do better and love my family in a very conflicted way. But I don't want to die from this.

Sep 17, 2015 12:13 PM

My fibro got bad when I finally broke away from the abuse and full time high stress. It almost felt to me as if the moment I got free and could have a life, fibro came and took it away.

Sep 17, 2015 1:14 PM

I too had a abusive marridge it started when i was pregnant emotional abuse at start then he started hitting me,i was too ashamed to get help at time so for yrs stuck in abusive marrisge hes vile!!!!! He would call me names like ur so fat etc and acuse me of having affairs ok then! Thats 1 thing ive never done is cheat it took years before i kicked his ass out as my friend well not now was seeing him behind my back if only she'd of said something id of given my blessing!!!!!!! He also had a choice step up b a dad or walk away he chose to step up well he
did that for all of 2 weeks thought more of his gf kids than his own even after divorce hed try & control me but i wouldnt allow myself for him to do that!!! He only lives 5mins up road im not scarred of him now hes just a evil bully about a yr after i kicked his pathetic ass out i heard he has hit her leopard never changes spots!!!! & i know hes abusing her can see it in her face
i sure as heck dont talk to her tho i have raised my kids myself & have nothing to thank him for!! I stayed single for a few yrs after needed to find me if that makes sense & i dont know if it started my fibro off but my son started using drugs etc thats when i think my fibro started every dog has its day & cant wait til karma bites him on the ass hard!!!!!! People say oh just leave its not as simple as it sounds as u think ur useless etc as its how they made u but anyone going threw it find someone u trust to talk to & then that person could help u find a way out its really hard bit we are strong u can do it x

Sep 18, 2015 11:42 AM

It is *not* easy at all!! That's what makes this all the more crazy. Smile and Deb I'm right where you were. I don't understand why, when I thought I was breaking free, I became sicker than ever. I can't remember the last time I wasn't having a flare. I don't know if that's due to menopause, divorce, disease progression or the dreaded stress of it all. I read a book a few years ago--wish I could remember the name (!) Scholarly but very well written, about auto immune disease and the psychological (and physical) profile that often accompanies. It was like I was reading my personal history it was so spot on. Deb I can't fathom what you endured, I'm so sorry. If I can remember the name of that book I will post it here.

Sep 18, 2015 2:27 PM

Aaawwwwwwww i feel for you i know how u must b feeling and itisnt good! I too am going threw menopause so if it isnt one playing up its thr other being in ur situation isnt easy sending hugs but u have got this fsr hunni & when ur FREE ur body will get a bit more bearable but will take time ur a strong woman once rid u wont know ur self honestly :) :) & when u remember re book let me knoe no rush ok x

Sep 18, 2015 2:47 PM

There are many sources available to assist because when you leave an abusive relationship it can be dangerous. Dr. Phil's wife Robin has a foundation that is on his website. www.drphil.com The foundation is When Georgia Smiles there is loads of information and even a free application to help you. The best part in the app is a 'panic button' discised as a news app. When this button is pressed your mobile phone records and sends a message to whomever you set it up to alert that you may be in danger. The audio can be used by police as evidence to prove your case. Go check out the Dr. Phil site for more information. Most of all start making an escape plan and be safe. You deserve to be free and if their are children they deserve a childhood with love not fear and abuse.

Sep 18, 2015 2:58 PM

sorry it is when Georgia Smiled NOT smiles! The link posted above is correct. On Dr. Phil's website click on Robin's World it is all there.Make sure you clear your browser history after because if you are in an abusive relationship you can count on being watched. Stay safe.

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