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fed up existing and not living

Jan 18, 2016 8:28 AM

Excuse the moan , a week before Christmas my lower back went into a major spasm as well as my sacroiliac pain increased to a 9 or 10 every minute of every day, this a!so effects my whole pelvis, hips, upper legs. Basically from my ribs down to my knees I feel like I'm on fire and being stabbed . now my shoulders and upper arms are rating a 9 or 10 also. A bit like a bolero of pain. My arms are weak and using my arms or hands for more than 20 seconds feels like I've been weight training all week. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself really but I am so done with trying to not let my illnesses and conditions control my life yet it has taken it over if seems. My husband is my rock but I can't help feeling he didn't sign up for this although he has no problem with me being Ill and is amazing. I can't walk without agony and therefore I don't want to go out very often even though my hubbie willingly pushes me in the wheelchair I feel such an effort. I just want to be able to do the little things like walk my dog with him, go shopping with him, but even that is denied me.I'm sure many of you have similar feelings like I see couples walking hand in hand enjoying life but I feel I'm not included in this world, I'm 43 and hubbie is 39 yet I see elderly couples doing more activities or walking along without needing walking aids or a chair and I'm ashamed to say I feel jealous . I'm having a why me moment when I should be thinking well why not me I guess. I keep trying to find why k deserve all this pain, the financial strain of neither of us working (hubbie is my carer) the loss of all but my dear sister and niece and nephew out of my whole family. I feel so alone some days even though I'm blessed in some ways more than others.I know there are people worse of than me and then I feel bad moaning. It feels like nearly everything has been taken by my health, we desperately wanted children but can't have them, I want to have a full relationship with my hubbie but even that is affected by my pain level. I've pretty much given up hope on my doctors they won't increase meds as on high dose so I'm pretty much stuck in my world of pain with no real escape. Sorry this has turned into a novel my hubbie tries his hardest to understand but I don't think anyone who isn't in pain 24\7 can truly get it.πŸ˜–
Wishing you all less pain, love,peace and happiness 😘

Jan 18, 2016 9:37 AM

Cnan i absolutely know how you feel sometimes act like everything is fine in order to keep my hubby sane and say i cant deal with this i think being stuck at home is the worst thing for us we just have pain consume us!,...try some breathung excerscise i know it sounds silly but sometimes it works for me! Feeep better keep fighting!

Jan 18, 2016 11:14 AM

It sounds like you have a pretty amazing husband. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of us here who can relate to your story in one way or another. He may never understand your pain but to him it doesn't matter. You are what he cares about. Keep your chin up and know that you have a guy who is always going to be there for you.

Jan 18, 2016 12:23 PM

Thankyou michellled1971 nice to know there are others who feel the same and will try the breathing exercises. Wishing you less pain and happier days also 🌼

Jan 18, 2016 12:27 PM

RichardAEmmons I am very blessed to have an amazing husband I know and am much luckier than some. Thankyou for your response . 🌞

Jan 18, 2016 6:17 PM

Cnan, first I want to send you a great big hug, and my shoulder if you need it. I'm so sorry your pain is so fierce. I had an attack of sciatica twice last month, but thankfully they didn't last too long. I have an appt tomorrow with an orthopedist because of hip and knee pain. Sometimes pain shots down the leg from the hip socket. I'm not in a wheelchair, but I've had to use a cane, walker, and electric cart since January of last year. I had become so weak in my legs it was causing falls, so I went through PT for 8 weeks to strengthen my legs, and its helped. It's it possible you could do some pt to help strengthen your arms and legs? After you get the sciatica under control that is. My pain specialist have me epidural steroid injections in 2012-2014 to alleviate the sciatica, and it helped better than any other treatment. Have you tried ESI's with a pain specialist? I try stretching and gentle motion exercises because when I don't exercise my pain is worse. But I don't do any marathons... More like a granny on an old mule! πŸ˜‰

Don't feel bad because you needed to unload. You voiced what many, if not all of us, feel from time to time. Like you, there are times I feel a burden to my hubby; that he didn't sign up for this. But he assures me he signed up for all of me, not just the good, happy, healthy, etc. And like you I've also felt a twinge of jealousy seeing other couples enjoying life together. We wouldn't be normal if we went through our daily painful lives without anxiety, depression, questioning "why", or dreaming of a better life. I'm 54 and for the past 10 years the intimacy has suffered due to my multiple medical problems. And again my hubby reminded me he loves me as I am, period. Then this morning a light went off in his head that said he really doesn't fully understand what I go through. I had just gotten my shower, dressed, and dried my hair. As I walked into the den I was very tired and breathing hard. He looked at me and asked if I needed him to take me to my appt. I told him no, that I'd be fine after I sat and rested. He replied, " but you're so out of breath. Are you sure it's not your heart? ". I assured him it wasn't and added, " this is how I am every day after my shower. " His response, "oh, I didn't know it was so hard on you." So even though he doesn't fully understand, he does fully love me. And I'm willing to bet so does your hubby! We may never know the why, but it's ok to ask and wonder. My hubby is my rock of support, and God is my anchor. Without them I don't know where I'd be. And this community has helped me so much since joining. It's ok to voice yourself so don't apologize. Michelle's relaxation suggestion is a good idea, because if you are tense your sciatica is going to be worse. Hugs & prayers your sciatica will soon be relieved. πŸ™‚πŸ™πŸŒΌπŸ’•

Jan 19, 2016 5:46 AM

Thankyou flappys for your kind response, best of luck with your ortho app today hope they can help you. My pain is from various issues with my spine as well as other conditions , its not sciatica I have hun its Sacroilitis. This is the longest most intensest pain it has given me since it was diagnosed last year. I think the duration is making me wonder if this is gonna be with me at this intensity forever more or at least until I get my sacroiliac and facet injections which I can't get at present due to my bp and blood sugars being to high (safety reasons) . I haven't been offered ESI , my late mum had sciatic pain so I know the struggle it can be bless you I'm glad the pt helped you somewhat πŸ˜€ I'm still awaiting referal for physio. I know how much my hubbie loves me but I still have times where I feel bad that we can't do things other couples do, even like walking down the road holding hands. Something so daft and small really. If we go anywhere its like a major tactical manoeuvre in planning, which seems to shout 'YOUR DISABLED' to me when I'm trtying to live a life which isn't focused on my health and pain, things like are there stairs, are there disabled toilets, are the seating plans wheelchair or rollator friendly. Blah blah blah lol. Sounds like we have both got an amazing husband who love us completely which is such a blessing especially when there are others on here who have to face their I'll health on their own, I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply and thanks for the gentle hug , sending one back to you and hoping foir better less painful times for you. 🌸 xxx

Jan 19, 2016 9:20 PM

You are welcome, any time. It is harder some days than others. And it is hard seeing younger couples do things we use to enjoy doing. I'm not familiar with sacroilitis. I'll pray you get the physio referral soon! πŸ™‚πŸ™πŸŒΌπŸ’•

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