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Feel Betrayed by Daughter

Apr 03, 2015 2:45 AM

My daughter informed me tonight that we no longer have a bond because I'm too sick to do anything with her anymore. She'd rather go live with her dad that I divorced because he was abusive because they are very close and he can takes her to the mall all the time. To add salt to the wound...one of the reasons my health has deteriorated to this point is after leaving me ex 5 years ago, he made sure to bankrupt us first and then has never paid a dime in child support. The stress of starting over penniless and supporting our children on my own for 5 years has paid its toll on me physically. The thanks I get? My daughter is turning her back on me now that my health has crashed and I'm in real trouble.

Apr 03, 2015 8:10 AM

She must be a teenager! I am sorry she is treating you this way. I pray she will change her mind.

Apr 03, 2015 8:22 AM

Betrayedby, I am so sorry you have this additional pain and stress to deal with. Unfortunately for parents our children do hurt us and break our hearts from time to time. Remember that your daughter is young and still very naive to the realities of life. You didn't say her age, but I'm guessing she's about 14. Trust me when I say once she's living with dad things aren't going to be as "fun & special." Where dad hasn't paid child support to you, he will have to absorb the expense of raising her, meaning there won't be funds left over for the mall like she thinks. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, but she has to learn that herself.

When my children were 12-22 they put through episodes of heartbreak and "hell on earth." They even tried to manipulate things their way with methods of blackmail. We never let them succeed, telling them to do what they wanted but not while living with us. If they were mature enough to do as they pleased then they were mature enough to get out and make it on their own...we weren't a hotel service to cook & clean behind them. It was excruciatingly painful each time one of them acted up but we survived. It did nearly split my husband and I up because he was willing to let them blackmail us. At that point he realized they wouldn't be there for him but I would, so we both let go and our kids moved out. They have both matured (27 & 31) and their relationships with us have very much improved. They've even thanked us for not letting them blackmail us to get their way. They even ask for suggestions about how to deal with their kids. And they both remind me of what I'd say to them when they acted up, saying they understand now why I said it. I'd always look at them calmly and say, "I hope you grow up to have 10 just like yourself." Lol they are reaping what they sowed...what goes around comes around. My oldest disciplines her children just as we did ours.

Your daughter will one day realize what she did. But she may never say "I'm sorry." Regardless, you should forgive her for your own health. Focus on yourself and your medical needs. But let her know you love her and forgive the pain. And if willing let her know she can come home. Pull back and let her experience life, to find out it isn't all fun and games and shopping sprees. I always told my kids, "every action has a reaction, and every choice a consequence, so make sure you're ready to deal with consequences & reactions beforehand.". I'm praying for you and your daughter. She will one day become close to mom. Let go & let God heal your heart and handle your daughter. 🙏🌼

Apr 03, 2015 8:38 AM

I appreciate you taking the time to respond. My daughter is 12. I understand what you're saying about let her make her choices, but my fear is, her dad will not keep her safe. I briefly let her move him with him several months ago over this same issue and within 3 weeks there was such a concern over her welfare, that parents from her school called to tell me they were going to call CPS. I picked her up an hour later. I have sole custody for a reason. He's not capable of being a parent. She's wickedly volatile and abusive to her twin brother and me. She's bullying the entire home.

Apr 03, 2015 9:58 AM

Sounds like you need some intervention help from professional counselors. If you have sole custody just tell her she can't go. Have you tried to discuss basic financial expenses with her, and told her that "dear ol dad" isn't paying child support?

I hate knowing you're going through this. There are so many deadbeat, selfish parents who don't pay their child support but splurge on themselves or the kid(s) when they have them. We've had to help with our granddaughter's needs because her dad isn't paying either. When he gets so far behind risking jail, he pays just enough to float several more months.But other than that he's a really good dad. I'll keep you in my prayers. Try not to let your stress get high or your pain will increase. 🙏🌼

Apr 03, 2015 10:04 AM

PS... If your daughter ever threatens to call the police on you just do what I did with my youngest... "Hers my phone, call. Then go pack your suitcase and when you go with them you can't come back." My daughter didn't call, and I'm sure other kids told her to threaten that. Lol she stills asks today if I was serious and I'll ask her, "what do you think?" She just says, "yep." My girls are very close to me now, but they had to take some hard lumps in life to get there. We love our children but didn't spoil or overindulge them. Now they understand why and they discipline the same way.

Apr 03, 2015 6:24 PM

Really feeling for you.
Best wishes.. Praying that you'll get a lot better xx
Don't ever feel lost or alone,everything WILL be okay eventually.

Apr 03, 2015 7:15 PM

Reality is that only she can realize that he's bad news. Apparently she didn't learn her lesson. If this is an ongoing thing, let her leave! We can't protect our children from everything all the time.

With that said, you have to take care of you, before you can take care of her anyway.

Is there not busses where you live? She can start taking them to the mall. I was making fifty miles, multi bus trips when I was that age. In the Bay Area of California.

Apr 04, 2015 10:22 AM

I live in downtown Phoenix. It's not safe for her to take a bus, unfortunately. She knows dad doesn't pay child support. She told me that I told her that he's her dad and she should love him. I explained there's a difference between loving someone and looking the other way while they do wrong by you. Anyway, I told her she can't leave and if she does, I will call the police. I've also contacted the courts about her behavior. They told be to also call the police the next time she bullies us and they will lock her up over night and she will go before a judge the next day to determine if she can go home or 6 weeks of juvie. Not sure which is worse. Her dad? Or juvie? My son just called and is coming home. They were spending the weekend with their dad but she's being such a terror that he wants to get away from her. Her behavior always escalates the more time she spends around her dad. Looks like i need to back way off on their time together again. I literally just got her back under control again and very slowly started letting her see him again and them wham! She's the exorcist and her head is spinning again. I really need to find the means to move away from him.

Apr 04, 2015 11:31 AM

Betrayed Do you have family that might be able to help y'all move further away from him. I would consider also getting her into counseling, I think that I wouldn't let her see him anymore, since you have full custody of your children,and the harmful effects he has on your daughter you would be well within your rights as their sole custodian. I would explain to her as calmly as possible that until she straightened up on the way she treats you and her brother that she cannot have any contact with him. If she continued to act like she's been acting that I was going to have to call the police where she would have to stay in jail and go before the Judge to see if she could come home or go to juvie to stay for a while. Maybe if she see's you mean business she may straighten up.

Apr 04, 2015 6:28 PM

Maybe time in juvie is what it will take. You'll need psych eval to prove he's having an unhealthy reaction on her, if he decides to take you to court for custody. My daughter's husband is dealing with this.

Apr 04, 2015 6:28 PM

Maybe time in juvie is what it will take. You'll need psych eval to prove he's having an unhealthy reaction on her, if he decides to take you to court for custody. My daughter's husband is dealing with this.

Apr 10, 2015 1:40 AM

Unfortunately, I do not have any family. It's just me. Which makes this unbelievably hard. I'm trying to get her into counseling. After losing my business, health insurance, and financial issues...it's bad timing. But she needs it so I'll figure it out. I've also started looking for a new city/town to move to.

Apr 10, 2015 4:30 AM

Sounds like a typical kid. My daughter wanted to go live with her dad who she never knew. He was seriously into drugs and in and out of prision. In the end I told her I was her mom not her friend and it was my job to take care of her, that if her dad wanted her to live with him all he had to do was petition family court and that the court made me solely responsible for her and until the court said different that was what i was going to do. For all the bad he was I never talked bad about him, what he did to me he did to me that was not their relationship. And it gets you no where.

It sounds like she needs a firm hand to guide her. At one point I took everything out of my daughters room she had a bed and clothes. I told her the law only required that I feed, cloth and provide a place to stay. It did not include a tv, computer, toys, and so on. It was the hardest thing i ever did but I got my daughter back and she ended up earning her stuff back.

I agree if she threatens to call the cops give her the phone I did it and said it is unfortunate because you will not get what you want they will put you in foster care and I only hope you are not abused or worse. Now you better hurry and pack before you call because they won't give you time when they get here.

Councilling is a good idea and if you can't afford it look into a county health department. She needs it to help her deal with your health issues in addition to some other things. Underneath it all she sounds like a little girl who loves her mommie and is terrified she will lose her.

Wishing you the best and the strength to handle this mentally and physically. As someone once told me if your child never says they hate you, you are not doing your job.

Apr 10, 2015 11:59 AM

Betrayed I agree with Flappsy I think hearing your child telling you that she hates you is one of the hardest things you will here. My daughter told me that she hated me it hurt so bad I wanted to cry my eyes out. I looked at her and calmly told her that I wasn't too happy with her either at that moment. She didn't know what to say she thought that I would be devastated by what she said,when I didn't fall apart in front of her she couldn't belive it. I left her room and went to the bathroom turned on the shower and then fell apart. She said she was going to run away from home and go live with Grand MA and Aunt Teresa. I asked her did she need any help packing, that she'd better hurry because she had a long way to walk because it was around 5 pm, before it got dark she had to walk past a big pond I told her there was a alligator in it and it come out at night, and then there is the wolves, and panther she needed to watch out for. It was a 21/2 mile walk to my mother's hous. I left her room and waited about 30 min I went to her room and she was sitting on her bed. I asked her don't you think you better get going it's going to be dark soon, she looked up at me and said I changed my mind.

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