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Feeling really emotional

Dec 01, 2015 10:55 PM

Having a really bad fibro day after getting a wisdom tooth pulled.
I've seen all these videos of people saying and doing silly things after the sedation, I woke up crying about a miscarriage I had 4 months ago. The pain of it is really strong right now despite knowing that it wasn't a good time. I've recently left my BF of a year due to the fact that he was becoming abusive and causing my sickness to become worse l. He's done the expected turn around and text me everyday asking how I'm doing and saying he loves me and continue to fight for me and has recently started telling me how much he wanted to have a family with me and that he's ready to take care of me the way I need. I don't believe him of course, as much as I want to. He doesn't know I've had a miscarriage or that I was even pregnant so when he starts saying those things it's hard not to feel that pain all over again. Was it my fault my baby died because I couldn't eat or take care of my body properly?
I wish this wasn't so difficult, he was so amazing in the first part of our relationship but as I got more sick and work started really effecting me he got tired of me and not knowing how to help and started treating me bad instead. I want to believe him again when he says he's got me, that he won't neglect me and do things he needs to do to help with the house and help me. But how do I when he's why I feel so weak and hate myself so much. There's only so many times you can call some one weak, pathetic or a hypochondriac or other various words before your sorry's no longer erase them and that's all you're really left with.

Dec 01, 2015 11:37 PM

Birdiebabe, you are not weak! I am very sorry for your loss. Please understand that your miscarriage is not due to you, do not put any more stress on yourself, that is only going to hurt you more.
Having lost two children, I can understand your wanting to question everything you did to see if you were to blame, please stop.
Being a domestic victim survivor, I am beginning you to please, please not return to someone who verbally and emotionally abused you - that could be worse than physical abuse at times and take longer to overcome. ...please be careful.

Dec 01, 2015 11:45 PM

All the emotions are catching up with me, it's so hard not to spiral back into what is familiar but from how my pain and sickness had changed since I left him I know that I made the right choice just all the emotional crap is really hard

Dec 01, 2015 11:51 PM

I know, I've been there. That's why I am pleading with you to please be careful and not do so. I'm not sure of your age, but there is a good book, that I gave to my daughter, 4 nieces, and 3 friends daughters )..."But I Love
Him" two of my nieces told me how it helped them realize they were in controlling & abusive relationships.

Dec 02, 2015 12:38 AM

I'm soon to be 21, I grew up in an abusive home but still had a hard time noticing when the abuse started happening but I eventually figured it out and had some friends and family pull me out before it could really escalate but now that I'm not there anymore everyone has disappeared again and he still here. Making the effort saying the things he knows will make me feel better but in my heart I know it's only until he has me again so no matter how many times I think I through there is no point in me going back to him.

Dec 02, 2015 12:45 AM

You are the same age as my nieces, Birdiebabe. It's always difficult to notice when the abuse is happening to you. Is there a way you can reach out to your family & friends again? To have someone nearby? I am glad to see you say there is no point in going back to him, just stay strong in that.
I tried to private message you, but the app said you had an older version of the app & could not accept the messages?

Dec 02, 2015 12:49 AM

It sent me an email saying you had tried, I just got the new app so I will try and get everything switched over to it if thats possible.

Dec 02, 2015 1:27 AM

Ok. Sounds great.
Hey sorry, but I need to get to sleep, I need to hold an office meeting for my staff at 8 and I haven't been sleeping, email me or get in touch with me any time you need to talk PLEASE ! Unfortunately I don't always get service in my practice to get this app & know when msg come through,

Dec 02, 2015 1:29 AM

Thank you for talking with me, I've been trying to figure out how to log in to the new app so once I do I'll contact you :)

Dec 02, 2015 8:23 AM

Birdiebabe, I can't imagine the pain of having a miscarriage or losing a child at any point. As far as your abusive boyfriend, you've made your break. I can understand that you want to believe him and his loving words and think of how he was when you first started your relationship. If he had no patience for for your illness before, it's not going to change now. Don't let him lure you back in. I'm pretty sure that the reason you woke up in that state is because your miscarriage is weighing heavily on your mind. No, it's not your fault that you miscarried.. Only God knows the reason why it wasn't time for that little soul to join you here in this world. Please try to not be so hard on yourself. I know it's easier said than done. Know that when the time is right and you're with the right person who is going to treat you as you deserve to be treated, you'll have the family that you want and will be able to be happy. I am sending you gentle {{{Hugs}}} and prayers that you find some peace and that this day is a better one for you and things get easier as time goes on. πŸŒ»πŸ™πŸ»

Dec 02, 2015 8:56 AM

Thank you Alwayz, I'm having a very sleepless night, must have used up all my sleep time under sedation and the two naps I've had afterwards. I was given a great pain killer (no idea what) so my mouth isn't hurting for the first time in 3 months but stomach is rather upset from the bowl of pills I've been having to take.
My medical leave is ending in a couple weeks and my anxiety is starting to get pretty bad in anticipation, I work at a Casino Dealing Cards and had started training in the Cash Cage before I went on leave. Dealing took a bigger toll on my body than expected, hard part is that it's a great employer to work for, understanding about my condition for the most part and some pretty good health coverage so it's hard to want to leave for those reasons but at the same time the (can't remember the word but the general feeling you get when you walk in) can be pretty dark and a lot of the people really rude so it doesn't help with the anxiety or the PTSD I've been experiencing full force, the one time i forgot to hide a bruise the first person to say anything about it told me a women's abuse joke and laughed about it. I haven't even been able to handle going into a store by myself with out getting to overwhelmed and breaking down or having to sit down and rest. Didn't accomplish as much as I wanted to before going back to work but at least now I'm in a safe place. Sorry, I haven't been able to just vent for a little while

Dec 02, 2015 10:00 AM

You never, ever have to worry about venting to me and you certainly never have to be sorry for it. I swear that people don't use common sense!! Who looks at a bruise and does that?!?! I mean really, why would it not occur to her that could have been your situation. I'm so sorry for your PTSD, it's a very rough thing to deal with. Whatever you did accomplish is all you were supposed to and you need to be proud of what you did get done and not focus on what hasn't been done. You'll get to it. I understand that anxiety of the return to work. Try not to think about it right now. Or when you do, think of all the positive things that you mentioned in your post. Also think of how things are alright once you get to your destination and start working (as alright as things can be with pain). Sending you positive reinforcement and gentle {{{Hugs}}}. Hang in there sweetie, it'll all be ok.πŸ’•πŸŒ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ˜Š

Dec 02, 2015 12:15 PM

PSTD is very serious and not a joke, I feel ya! I have it from the military and its the worst feeling ever! I hope that you start feeling better soon! I've also been in an abusive relationship when I was 18, three years ago an o know it's very hard to get out of but you had to do it. Abuse is never okay whether it's physical or emotional abuse! I'm here for you and so is everyone here. I'm sending you positive vibes and virtual hugs!! πŸŒΌπŸ‹πŸΌπŸ’ͺ🏼be strong!

Dec 02, 2015 12:29 PM

Megablondie, Thank you so much for your service to our country and Birdiebabe, thank you as well if I neglected to thank you before. I can't imagine the horrors you endured and made it back home. I'm sorry so many suffer from PTSD and injuries and life altering issues. You stood in the face of the enemy and even though you may have been frightened stood your ground. I'm honored to know you. To any and ALL of the members of this wonderful pain family have served our country, I owe you all a debt of gratitude. In my eyes, you're all heros. Much love, {{Hugs}} and PrayersπŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»

Dec 02, 2015 1:10 PM

Thank you Alwayz and Megan,
Thank you for your service, my sister is dating a guy who was a marine for 8 years, it was seeing the love and respect he shows her that made me realize "every guy is not like mine"

The joke the guy told was "why are there so many women shelters? Because they haven't learned to listen" so I laughed along with him and told him that i was impartial to those type of rude and thoughtless jokes and he tries to play it off saying i should just laugh and move on so my reaponse was "or because were both adults here you can keep in mibd i dont like them and you can just not tell them, i doubt you evwr want to hear a mand say that to your daughter or your granddaughter." The rest of the people were pretty uncomrftable through the whole exchange as I was pretty visibly upset and shaking afterwards.
The hardest part of the relationship is that he wasn't always bad, at one point he was my best friend and the only one there but when it got harder for me to go to work and things around the house took longer to get done (he didn't want to do anything of course) and than it was like a flip switched, at first if he got drunk he would say really nasty things and use secrets I told in confidence to shame me so I was able to get him to stop drinking for the most part or wouldn't be home if he was going to be things went back to normal for a couple months than he took me to his hometown to meet all his family and some how I became his "bitch" as he would call me instead of my name and now that I've left him for the first couple weeks he kept saying that he wish I had tried harder to communicate or said that I would leave if he didn't listen cause that would have made him change yet when I had tried to leave about a week before I actually had he roughed me up than laughed about it the next day saying that I belonged to him, replaced what he had broken and took me for dinner to make up for it yet continued to treat me like crap the rest of the week, not the whole time so I considered trying to make it work again, until he slapped me in public while taking my 10 and 13 year old siblings trick or treating. I was thankful they did not see that or him pushing me away as I told him to never cross that line again. I left the following Monday morning. I've always been the one to protect my younger siblings from that so it broke my heart thinking they saw me get treated like that and that's what made me snap. Now that I've told him that I had already tried and given him everything I had he was the one that had neglected to choose me everyday like I had chosen him. I think he finally got it because now he's going over everything and saying sorry and how he wanted to marry me and start a family. I think I broke down to him when he was saying that, told him all the ways he had made me felt and no matter how much I wanted to believe him it's not up to me to risk my health and safety for his second chance. He said he got me, but he lied and forgot to protect me from himself.

I hate how the PTSD effects me around everyone else, my brother keeps getting really sad anytime I flinch around him, he doesn't understand that I know he won't hurt me it's just an automatic response but he feels really bad after and tries not to set it off or will stay back from me if he's talking with his hands

Dec 02, 2015 3:59 PM

Birdiebabe, Leopards can't change their sports; once an abuser, always an abuser; once a cheater, always a cheater (without severe, steady, counseling). Abusers generally abuse because it's what they grew up around, it was normal, acceptable behavior. They demean others so they feel better about themselves. Him calling you a "bitch" around his family was a prime example. Please don't even consider getting back with him.

I'm very sorry about your miscarriage. I've been there, losing my first pregnancy. First let me tell you that it was in no way your fault. There's nothing you could have done to prevent it. When I lost my baby I read everything I could find (way before computers and internet), talked to doctors and women who'd gone through it. The one common thing everyone said was, "it wasn't in your control. Fetuses generally naturally abort because they didn't form properly and couldn't live. It wasn't meant to be born.". Hearing that helped me stop blaming myself. But I did grieve for the load of my baby. It's a natural emotion, and needed to go forward. Don't smother those feelings. Accept that it happened and you lost a loved one. Grieve! Get counseling to help you through it. Find aa grief support group if there's one near you. Believe me, it truly helps. I'm sending big, gentle (((hugs))), & prayers that God will help you through all of this. I'm using the Pain Companion, if you'd like to communicate privately. πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Dec 02, 2015 4:01 PM

Autocorrect, I hate you! Lol

sports = spots
load = loss of my baby

Dec 02, 2015 4:21 PM

Thank you for your words Flappy it does help to heat that, that's generally what I've come up with in my research as well. I need to feel like I've got a life again so I'm going to try hanging out with friends again when I'm able and try getting back to work the next few weeks. I've spent the last year going off an anti depressants that I'm almost off so that's pretty exciting

Dec 02, 2015 5:00 PM

Birdebaby I am so sorry that you suffered a miscarriage I know how devestating that can be I lost my first child, and my 3rd baby only lived 3 days he had hyperblastic left heart, the left side of his heart did not develope. This was so devastating and I questioned everything that I had done during my pregnancy. A nurse heard me saying that it was my fault and the Dr was with him she told him what I said and he told me that it was not my fault that it is a miricle that more babies aren't Born with it. Of course it didn't make me feel better at that time. But hunney you did nothing wrong it was just God's will that he needed with him in Heaven. As to your bf you did the best thing that you could do by leaving him. He will never change will always be abusive. Like Flappsy said a leapord doesn't change their spots. Please don't let him con you into believe that he's changed, because he hasn't. You can do better without him, find a group to join for abused women to help you. I think you will be surprised at how much better you are alone than with him . Physical abuse heals but verbal always sticks with you it is harder to get over than a broken bone or brusies. You can do it change your phone number , after you get back to work move if you have to a new apartment sever all ties to him. You can do this we are all here for you if you need us. Will keep you in my prayers and sending love and hugs your way.

Dec 02, 2015 5:26 PM

I'm so sorry to hear of the losses you ladies have also so suffered and very thankful for your kind words and hugs. This is a hard and emotional process but I believe I will get through it

Dec 02, 2015 6:15 PM

I didn't even think about leaving my email address (thank you Alwayz)! If anyone would like to email, you're more thank welcome too... Annesgtphotos@gmail.com

Dec 02, 2015 8:20 PM

I am so proud of you for having the strength and courage to leave!! It takes guts to take the step you have. I have been in more than 1 abusive relationship. They never start out that way. And they definitely don't change their spots. Only long enough to get you back and then it becomes neanearly impossible to get out again because they are expecting it and watching for signs so they can stop you. You deserve so much better! My thoughts and prayers are with you! If you need to talk, please feel free to msg me. May God bless you and keep you safe!

Dec 02, 2015 11:43 PM

Birdiebabe thanks for the kind words. I didn't serve, however, my Dad did (He was a Sargeant First Class/Army) in the Korean War.

Dec 03, 2015 12:13 AM

I just need to figure out how to cut down the rest of contact. I do truly believe that he is sorry and regrets his actions but it doesn't mean he won't revert back. I want it to be on good terms for both our sakes due to depression but like the song goes, when a heart breaks it never breaks even. He told me tonight he's glad I left because he never would have realized how much I really mean to him. It shouldn't of taken that.

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