Learn from patients with pain similar to yours

CatchMyPain Community and Pain Diary App to manage chronic illness

Fetal position. ..Tears streaming! Alone and misunderstood

May 15, 2015 9:35 PM

I have Sciatica, Spondylosis, Bulging disc, Degenerative Disc Disease, Arthritis. ..I've been going to pain management for almost two years now. After countless spinal epidural and nerve burning of facet joints, I'm in agony! My insurance company would not approve another epidural and I'm assuming it's because I've had too many. I was scheduled to have more nerve burning today and cancelled because I can't get my pain under control. I've been on fetynal patches for over a year and tramadol for breakthrough pain and feel as if I've reached my plateau of these relieving my pain. Which is why I cancelled today's procedure. I can't deal with recovering when I'm in agony and I'm immune to what's been given medication wise. These procedures don't seem to be helping. .just getting worse. My husband gets upset because it intimacy hurts so badly and he feels that as a wife I'm obligated to satisfy him. Maybe this is why I hurt? I have trouble discussing this with my doctor. Don't know what to do anymore. I'm feeling misunderstood and feeling like I just want to die because I'm in agony. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

May 16, 2015 1:46 AM

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now.
What is the nerve burning for?
It might just be the fact that I have nerve pain, but I'm thinking "ouch!"
Have the procedures ever helped?
If it's hard to talk to your doctor, maybe you could write things down?
I feel like I've been alone and misunderstood, and it's never easy.
When I hurt (but not at my worst) I research options for meds or physical therapy or anything I have a question about.
I don't know what will help, but when I'm having a flare, I'll take Kava Root and Magnolia Bark.
They stop the pain induced hallucinations.
I hope you find something to help.

May 16, 2015 2:39 AM

Dear FeatherMarie, I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. There has to be something that will work. Sometimes it is best if you live in a heavily populated area that it might be best to try a different hospital. Sometimes you can find doctors with a little more skill. I deal with a university hospital. I am tired of dealing with students so I am going to take prescriptions for procedures to regular doctors at the regular hospital.

A few things that have helped me is a tens unit. I am sure you have tried it but I will say that it does take skill. You need to know where the nerves are that you need to put the patches on so you can put them between the pain site and your brain. Another thing that has helped me is lidocaine patches. They can be real helpful.

The other thing that has helped me a whole lot was cymbalta. I am sure it did not take away my pain. But it feels like it did.. I am sure it just changes the way you feel about the pain. But it has helped me tremendously. I am still in pain and sometimes real bad but I am able to deal with it because I have a lot of times when the pain calms down and it refreshes me.

As far as your husband, I think it is terrible that he is expecting you to render the marital due when you are in extreme pain and if he we're to cite the bible as a reason then he would be wrong. 1 John 4:8 whoever does not love has not come to know God because God is love. Intimacy is an expression of love between two people. There should be no pain involved. That would not be an act of love. I am not saying he doesn't love you. I am saying he is being selfish on this front. It is hard on a marriage on this issue when it comes to chronic pain. My wife and I do not enjoy intimacy. Even though I am in pain, I still would like to now and then. But she does not have the desire anymore. I think it is because she is on an anti-depressant. I feel even though we can have have intimacy. It would be meaningless and selfish if it were for only me. It was not designed for that.

I believe in the headship arrangement. Before anyone gets upset with that, just hear me out. I believe that husbands over wives, husbands and wives over children, but the head of the husband is Christ. So how a man treats his wife and considers her feelings and loves her will make him accountable to Christ and God. It is suppose to be a loving protective relationship.

I hope you can communicate with your husband and make I him understand that you all aren't making love when you are only experiencing pain. It brings me pain to know that you suffer that way. It actually makes me mad. I feel like it is a little abusive. But I am sure he doesn't understand that. I am sure he loves you. I hope you find relief. I will keep you in my prayers.

May 16, 2015 12:16 PM

Relationships are difficult even under great circumstances. Maybe your pain management doctor can recommend a psychiatrist that specializes in chronic pain (seriously you will learn tons of life tips and not feel guilty) and you and your husband should go. Sometimes our spouses need to hear that we have no control of our pain from someone other than us. We have a system here if my pain is bad he does not even suggest it. However, if I am having a rather decent day he will help around the house, so I do not over do it so that sex is an option. Also when your pain is at a level where sex is an option you need to initiate, he cannot read your mind. Also sex does not have to be a marathon a quickie is better than nothing if you feel okay with that. If he is a total jerk tell him that he can take matters in his own hands literally. Please share my response with him. Anyone that does not live in chronic pain cannot understand. The best they can understand is having the flu or worst pain ever...bet you are not thinking of sex then. Unless you are under 25 and selfish. Best of luck I hope you two can work this out.

May 16, 2015 1:29 PM

LMB, I couldn't have said it better. I like the hand part. That made me laugh. I was going to put that in my post but I thought I was already going overboard and putting my feelings on this dear woman. I shouldn't have done that but even as a man, it made me mad. I would never do that to my wife. My wife has no interest in sex because of depression or she doesn't like me anymore. We are good friends so the latter isn't true. But I wouldn't want to have sex with her if her emotions were not in it. It is something you share. Not something you take. If we can allow ourselves to share that, I think we should out of love for our spouse but not at the expence of more pain.

May 16, 2015 1:38 PM

Relationships are all compromise.

May 16, 2015 10:14 PM

Omg you are NOT obligated to do ANYTHING! Especially intimacy.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7, and haven't been able to be intimate for at least 3 years due to my medical conditions/pain (that's where my pain is). I cannot even imagine him trying to tell me I have wifely duties to perform knowing how much pain I'm in.

Has your husband been to your doctors with you? Does he truly understand the medical conditions that you have? If you have a therapist has he gone with you? There is also plenty of info online he could read.

Or, maybe he just needs to know that marital rape is a real thing, and is a crime.

I apologize if I am harsh, but reading that made my heart hurt for you...you have to deal with so much and then this too..awful...((big hugs))

May 16, 2015 10:27 PM

Oh my gosh, Feather, you too?!
I've just been throu my 2nd Epidural spine shot but other issues get in the way of being able to tell if anything is working. It's only the fact that I'm not having to crawl because of bad days that I can even tell the Epidural shot is working.
I have to continually move around at night because if I've forgotten to take my Meletonian sleep aid I feel pain and discomfort all night.
I have trouble standing, sitting, driving etc. with any length of time without hurting. I enjoyed yoga but 2 years ago I had to stop due to broken toes on both feet. I'm trying to start again but I have failed with my follow through due to health issues. That and I'm a bit scared of the back pain from Spondylolisthesis, Degenerative Spine Syndrome, worn disks & who knows what else I've forgotten. I used my Wii Yoga.

May 16, 2015 10:40 PM

And Feather, I too have issues with being able to be "there" for my husband.
My husband and I had been married for 2yrs when I got sick with Encephalitis and an allergic reaction to Mono. I almost died in 1988. I guess the doctors told my husband I was dieing and he should be prepared.
I'm still here but now left with what I described above.
2 years and not able to be "there" for my husband because of the pain.
The main reason my hubby understands is because I've had him come with me to some doctor appointments to hear what's going on with me. My husband understands but sometimes I sit on the bed with him and .........
as if we were dating. We will be married 30yrs. this July.
I will keep you in my prayers sweety.
I understand what you are going through.

May 17, 2015 12:29 AM

I've been on both Fentanyl patches and Tramadol before. Fentanyl didn't work at all and Tramadol worked for a time before I became tolerant to it. It sounds like it might be time for a change in medications.

Oxycodone worked well for me for a long time. I am currently on Morphine ER 30mg 3 times a day (which is ok) and Morphine IR 15mg twice a day (not enuf). We r still working on dosage. Maybe a change would help you?

My husband has Lower Lumbar Disc Compression, Degenerative Disc Disease, Arthritis, & Kyphosis (along with a severe hiatal hernia, diverticulitis, and diabetes). He bought an $80 TENS unit from the drugstore that is GREAT. It helps a lot. I even use it for when my TMJ/TMD gets bad. He's going to be going to PT for water based therapy.

He's been recommended a couple of different types of injections:

A Diagnostic Facet Injection that leads to Cryodenervation or Radio Frequency Ablation.

A Sacroiliac Joint Injection which reduces inflammation in the joint space.

Trigger Point Injections to ease the pain of the surrounding muscles. Because of the severity of the spinal deformities, the muscles surrounding the spine have to pick up the slack and it can cause massive amounts of muscle spasms and pain. When muscle relaxants like Diazepam are not enough, TPI's are recommended.

Profiler has also made a few excellent suggestions in recent posts.

I don't know if anything here will help you, but I hope so. It's hard to see so many people in such pain, and so few get the help they deserve.

May 17, 2015 9:08 PM

FeatherMarie, Please read my post response to Shan's post on ovary surgery & endometreosis. There may be more issues causing your pelvic pain than your doc may even be aware of. When I was diagnosed with pelvic congestion syndrome (PCS) there were no doctors within three hours of me who even heard of it let alone treat it. It was almost as bad with the pelvic floor dysfunction (PFD). If you have either of these, with your other issues, it's no wonder you're hurting. For the record, men can also get PFD. It caused me great pain when walking or standing, and using the bathroom. And forget about intimacy... Even attempting it would leave me curled in a fetal position with spasms and cramps likei had never had before! My husband thought I was putting on and making excuses until I made him go to my exam where he watched my face and heard the doctors remarks. He was also able to ask questions himself. He said he now's feels like a heel for hurting me. You're in my thoughts and prayers! πŸ™πŸŒΌ

May 19, 2015 4:34 PM

I've been reading everyone's response and I appreciate so much every single one of you for being so kind and understanding! !!! I'm kind of lost in choosing the right words from each of you! It means more than you can imagine. My husband and I have a counseling session this Thursday and it's going to be our second session. ..I'm so thankful for that. Yes he has come to a couple on doctor appointments and was told about my conditions. .didn't seem to phase him one tiny bit. His drive for sexual gratification I'd way over the top to the point of being scary. How could a husband be so sneaky to take viagra when he has aha wife wife spinal and pelvic deformities? ??His friend in Florida came to visit and gave him the viagra and testosterone patches which he would rub all over his body. ..inside of myself I do feel it's abusive. I'm so afraid of what the future holds for us as well as the fear and pain I'm coping with. Thanks so much for your prayers! !!! I'm in awe of the kindness from you all...God bless each of you wonderful people!

May 19, 2015 8:51 PM

Wow I am speechless....kinda...No, he sounds like a selfish adolescent jerk. The only good thing that I can say is that he is going with you and maybe he will be sincere. I truly wish you all the best.

May 19, 2015 9:38 PM

WOW... I am absolutely blown away by what your husband is doing!!! He really does sound like a very selfish jerk since he is puting your needs and pain and despair on the back burner and telling you that as a wife, you need to be available to service him no matter what because he is the "husband"... Who cares who he is!!!! And.... the fact that he took Viagra and rubbed Testosterone all over his body to make him even more stimulated is really the straw that broke the camel's back... I have to say, I give you credit for not losing it... I would squeeze his balls so hard that he throws up then when he is sitting there in agony, I'd say, Gee, dear, why can't we have sex, shouldn't matter that you are in pain, it NEVER does when I am!!! I am really happy for you that you are going to councelling, and that he has agreed to go with you. I find it terribly sad that he has gone with you to the doctor, been told that you are having such problems with pain and it didn't mean anything to him. I am really sorry for that.. I am also sorry if you feel I am being insensitive about calling him a selfish jerk. I am on your side, believe me. You should tell him to get himself a movie and ask Madam Palm and her five daughters come and take care of him... They are always available!!! (As your earlier post said, let him take things into his own hands.... Literally!!!). I wish you the very best of luck and I am praying for you that you come to some resolution and also that you get some relief from your pain.

May 20, 2015 9:26 AM

Feathermarie, I'm so sorry you have a very selfish and self centered husband. If I were you need be in a separate bed than me. I would also bring up the testosterone and Viagra to the therapist. They weren't prescribed for him so he's illegally obtained and using them! If the therapist can't get through to him then he must be addicted to sex. He's certainly not trying to build an intimate relationship with you. If his behavior doesn't stop soon, he never will. Tell him NO, and if he forces you then file charges of rape against him! I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but he has no right to abuse you even as his wife. If you don't wish to do that then at the very least sleep in separate rooms. Let the family know of his actions if you must (yalls parents). God says a husband & wife are to love and respect each other... Clearly not his behavior towards you now. My husband & I had counseling too, with our pastor 18 years ago. He gave me the exact advice I just gave you. Thank God my husband changed! Otherwise we would be divorced. I'll be praying for both of you. πŸ™πŸŒΌ

May 20, 2015 9:28 AM

PS: a psychologist once told me, "When one person tries to change and grow and the other doesn't, separation is inevitable."

May 20, 2015 4:06 PM

Dear FlappyLady. and Always in Pain...thanks for putting smiles on my face. .and yes, chuckles out loud! Tomorrow when we have our therapy session, I'll be sure to remember to be strong in expressing my situation. Already I'm feeling strength because of your replies. I'm sure the laughing also helped me to gain more self confidence. I appreciate so much your words of encouragement and understanding! You will be in my prayers as well. Wishing you pain free days and love and understanding! Big smiles and hugs!

May 20, 2015 6:51 PM

I'm so glad you laughed. I was a little worried (after I posted) that I might have offended you. I just had pelvic floor rehab today (3rd, to help me urinate properly) and the girl asked if we'd tried sex yet. I looked at her and said, "I think being able to control my urine flow is a lot more important than sex right now."

Just for the record, the pelvic floor muscles (PFDysfunction) are tight as a drum. The therapy is to retrain them to relax. The surgeries and scar tissue/endometerosis damage caused the most part of it, and natural childbirth the rest.

With treatment I hope intimacy can return but if not I guess we can do what my stepmom once said... "I told your dad when we get too old to have sex we will just have to lay naked next to each other." Lol... Omg...I didn't know what to say when she said it, me being 32 and her 54. We never even talked about menstral cycles.

I'll be thinking about you and lifting you up in strength by prayer for tomorrow. God will be with you! πŸ™πŸŒΌ

May 21, 2015 5:57 AM

Flappy. ..not offended in the least! The PFD is something I need to ask my ob doctor about. ..

May 21, 2015 8:35 AM

Lol, my first reaction when I read about the Viagra and Testosterone was the same as Flapsy and Always and I was formulating my response in my head as I scrolled down. But as I thought about it and then read theirs (they said it all) it occurred to me what kind of idiot self medicates with those things when he feels like he isn't getting enough? It's hurting him as much as (well in some ways) you he's making himself suffer...then I thought good he deserves to suffer. But it makes little sense so I'm wondering if for some bizzare reason he's thinking your lack of interest or the lack of intimacy is his fault because he can't perform or isn't desirable or something. It would take him being awfully self involved to not get it but we know he is totally self involved either way just this way is a little different approach. Maybe he just isn't hearing or getting the medical part for some reason and his buddy was bragging (probably embellishing) about what Viagra and Testosterone did for his love life so your husband thinking he was the problem (he's right just with the wrong approach) decided to fix it himself? I just can't figure another reason for making himself more unhappy just to make you suffer more, it makes no sense. I may be giving him too much credit too or humankind too much in which case everything they said. πŸ˜‰ but don't you take it on as your fault or think you need to suffer to make him happy, it does not work that way!

May 21, 2015 10:13 AM

Feathermarie remember to ask about the pelvic congestion syndrome (PCS-engorged pelvic veins) also. I noticed how your pain drawing goes down your legs. Mine did to before they diagnosed and closed off the pelvic veins. Good luck and God bless! πŸ™πŸŒΌ

May 21, 2015 1:46 PM

Wow, mind blowing conversation πŸ™ˆ never give in, no men are worth it.

May 21, 2015 2:48 PM

Therapy was great for me. ..he tried to take the poor me approach and I let him...he really hung himself by doing so...when it was my turn to speak up. .I explained that I give in to his needs three to four times a month. .the therapist was floored. .then I brought out pictures. .recent ones of my swollen legs and feet. ..mri results. .doctors notes and therapist was more shocked! !!! My therapist is a man in his early 60s. He gave him his mind too! The best part was him knowing we've been married 14 years. .together five before marriage. Most couples don't have sex this often with normal circumstances. ...well now he knows that his behavior is abusive and if he doesn't get help and change. .he's in deep you know what! Inside myself I'm happy to know that this has all come to a head...but it doesn't diminish the hurt I feel for allowing someone to treat me this way. ..I do know that time and God heals all wounds. ..so I'm leaning hard on the Good Lord and I have faith that he will see me through. I thank all of you for reaching out in my despair and still have my struggles to go through. I find comfort here and wish to say that I'm grateful for everyone here as I feel so alone at times. Hopefully I can help others that are going through the same. ..God bless and keep each one of you! Gentle hugs xoxox πŸ‘Όβ€πŸ’™πŸ’›πŸ’πŸŒΈπŸŒΉπŸŒ»πŸŒΊπŸŒ·πŸ€πŸŒΌπŸŒˆ

May 21, 2015 7:56 PM

I am so glad you found support through the therapist! Let's pray that your husband will be changed through God. Where two or more are joined in prayer... And we are here to help you through the ups and downs. ((Hugs)) πŸ™πŸŒΌ

May 22, 2015 4:57 AM

Awesome job. Most people are too embarrassed to talk about such things, really proud of you Marie.

May 22, 2015 12:25 PM

FeatherMarie, I am so glad that therapy went well for you!!! I am happy to hear that our comments and the fact that we were able to make you laugh gave you confidence and that you were able to feel stronger. You are going to get through this. Remember that no matter what goes on, you will never be alone. We are all here to help you and listen and offer whatever support and suggestions that we can to make sure that you are never feeling the way you were the other day. Thank you for your prayers and love and hugs, I send them all right back to you and wish for you a peaceful and happy day with less pain and many smiles. {{{{{{HUGZ}}}}}}

May 22, 2015 3:31 PM

Feather Marie my husband and I have been married 32 yrs. When I hurt my back in 01 and started refusing him he would get mad and accuse me of cheating on him. At first it really hurt me that he would say that too me, then I got furious at him. I asked him how he thought that about me, I was molested by a family member when I was 7 and have always had a hard time having sex the only time that I didn't have problems was when we were trying to get pregnant. I asked him why he thought that when he had such a hard time getting any what made him think I was giving it to someone else. Then I told him to go outside and find a knot hole in a tree if he just had to have it. I would give in at times because I would feel guilty and think of the bible verse that says wives are submit themselves to their husbands. Afterword I would be in a fetel position and crying. One night he touched my face and felt tears after that he changed he told me he was sorry that he had hurt me and he wouldn't do it again. He said he thought I just was faking before that. Men can be such jerks at times. I am happy you were able to tell your theripst everything. You will be in my prayers.

May 30, 2015 10:31 PM

FeatherMarie, my husband was like that as well. All my crying and primary doctor appointments meant almost nothing. It wasn't until he was asked to be my driver when I had to have the 2 Epidural low back shots and come with me to my specialists that he start showing me that he got a clue that I wasn't faking.
On the other hand he was so scared of losing me that he almost didn't want to be involved because he didn't want to hear how bad I had gotten.. (Nickname; Wonder Woman)
Then I read up on the male's need for sexual gratification. Psssst... It's way different than us women. 😣
To a lot of guys it is a form of love and when "their" women "with hold" it means there is no longer love. I got upset at this reasoning, but upon further study everything matched to what I was calling as horrid behavior in my husband. He was really just a list little boy afraid of losing me, so threatening as a spoiled child would, would be the only way he could get satisfaction without cheating on me.
He's a heck of a lot better now since he knows I can at least "hand job" him. Better me than someone else. He understands me more, sometimes frustrated, but he's trying now.
Whew- aired my dirty secrets. πŸ˜–

Jun 01, 2015 9:10 AM

πŸ‘†πŸ»πŸ˜³ interesting πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Jun 01, 2015 10:59 AM

Mrs. H, I have to commend you on your honest and brave answer to Feathermarie. You are correct that most men equate sex with love and then when their woman does not want to give them that "love" they feel they are either being cheated on or that they are losing the woman they love. There are many ways to have sex, least of which involves intercourse. Like you said, hands are certainly one way to satisfy his need and also show him that you are NOT loving him less but incapable of the way you used to make love to him. There have been many times due to my pain that I would use my hand (or my mouth if he was lucky) to show love. If you're in that much pain, one must learn to improvise!!

Jun 01, 2015 11:05 AM

I've always felt weird because I have an unusual sex drive. In school, I remember being told in sex ed that "...girls do not masturbate" and feeling absolutely insulted. In the locker room, plenty of girls talk about intercourse, and I can't help but wonder why they would have sex if it doesn't bring any pleasure, or just hurts. I know I've had trouble because I get really bad muscle spasms or my legs will go numb, and it just hurts.

Jun 01, 2015 11:23 AM

Ferretbandit, I don't know who taught your sex education class but wherever they got that idea is rediculous!!! If you go to a catholic school, I can understand that because I was raised catholic and told that masturbation was a sin. I never really understood why and I never got into questioning it either. However, I know that masturbation is normal and healthy and many psychologists that I have seen on different shows have said that they have treated people who became depressed and filled with guilt because they enjoyed self gratification. I am not saying that everyone feels this way and that everyone should feel this way. I am simply saying that in the privacy of one's own home, if that is what they choose to do and are not hurting anyone, then who am I to judge, (By the way, this is coming from someone who has not been with someone for over 13 years and has not had an orgasm in as long).

Jun 01, 2015 1:08 PM

I'm sitting here laughing while rereading these posts. I'm not laughing at anyone, but at my embarrassment. I'm sitting here blushing at 53!!! Omg... I wonder if any of the men are gaining any education on "love" & ex? Lol... πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Jun 02, 2015 10:57 AM

Lol Flappyslady! ☺️ My husband and I have been friends for about 12 yrs, together for about 10 yrs, married for 7 yrs, and haven't had sex in 4 yrs. 4 yrs due to my increased pain, 2 yrs due to his back pain. I am very lucky that he has always understood me and my medical issues. Sure we both wish it were different, and hope that maybe someday in the future it will be, but it is what it is. Because of where my pain is located, I've had to basically suppress my sexual drive to a point of almost non-existence. I've explained that to him. He seems to understand. And thankfully, we've both talked a lot about it, and our relationship, and we take the "in sickness and health" part very seriously. We do a lot of cuddling, playing games together, reading books and talking about them, things like that.

This is not to say our marriage is perfect. It is not. We both have a laundry list of problems and families that are a little crazy. But so far, we're still here. πŸ˜‡

Jun 02, 2015 1:07 PM

AmieLeBlanc, that sounds like us, except my husband being (thankfully) as healthy as he is sometimes doesn't understand and seems to want to get away so he doesn't have to see my pain. He'll never understand because of his health. We all understand that! We've been married almost 34 years, and since the late 90's the sex has been sparse and now non existent. But like y'all we do have some things we do together, more on part of my trying than his though. He keeps going, "I wish you could..." instead of finding something I can do with him. Our 9 year old granddaughter understand better than he does; she makes adjustments to whatever she wants to play to make it where I can play easier (games, dolls, restaurant.. Quite an Imagination). But we know that, like you said, "it is what it is. We either accept and adapt or we sink in despair and depression. Hope you & everyone is having a good day! πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Jun 02, 2015 2:49 PM

I hope I didn't upset people about how I believed in the headship arrangement. I know many do not. I was just trying to show people who use the bible as an excuse to use women to render a marital due. Because men are also under that same obligation to. But I was just showing that he leadership and headship was to be governed by love and protectiveness for his wife. I was showing that any abusiveness and selfishness, he would have to answer and be accountable to God for. That the headship arrangement was not just a matter of being over someone. Serious repercussions could be in the future fo such a person. That was all I was trying to say. I may be overthinking it. But I was really that I may have offended some of you all even though you have given me no reason to think so. I believe women deserve respect. Marriage should be a partnership, not a dictatorship. If both put the other first, it would work out great

Jun 02, 2015 4:29 PM

Sot me Profiler... Not offended in the least! I do believe the man should take the top leadership role, but in a respectful way and in a partnership way. Husbands should take a more active role with the house and children, especially if the wife is working, but they don't. Unfortunately too many men want to marry a mommy to still take care of all their needs, but play that "I'm the man of the house" card when it suits them. πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Jun 02, 2015 4:44 PM

You are right about that. It use to be the wives took care of the house and the husband still was suppose to do whatever he can to make her load light. Roles have changed. I would say it probably is near an equal responsibility by might not. I picture the wife really not wanting him to do certain things because he would not be a detailed and specific as her. She may want him to stay away from cooking or ruling the laundry. Could be a funny situation. He may deliberately fail at those things so she will do it all. Women are hard workers and deserve much respect. I believe it even says that in Psalms. It called them a large army. My wife wants me to cook. I am the better cook. Oh by the way, being humble is my best quality. Ha ha. I love cooking for people when I can. I love to hear them say umm with pleasure and feel good to make them happy.

My wife is very detailed. I think that is why she is not good at keeping up with the house as much. It is just impossible for her to just put things in another room or just tidy up. Everything has to be thoroughly clean and have its only place. When she is done. It is awesome. I feel bad for her though. She does not get satisfaction of just making the place look tidy. It still looks terrible to her. That must be difficult for her. She is a very good wife. Very loyal, very loving, very smart. She has stuck by me through all of this medical stuff. My parents divorced when I was young. I always thought someone would leave me. She makes me feel safe and secure and that she will always be there for me physically while she is alive. She has had trouble being supportive of my new medical problem. But it is my fight not hers

Jun 02, 2015 6:02 PM

Nope, didn't offend me either Profiler ☺️. I grew up a Jehovah's Witness, where they preached the husband headship role in more of a "loving" power & control thing. I put quotes around loving because in many cases it was just about power & control. From childhood on I was a vocal opponent to that idea. I also asked a lot of uncomfortable questions that nobody could not wanted to answer lol. I was not a very good woman by their standards.

I wish my husband would take more of a leadership role in our marriage. It's supposed to be equal but I always end up as "the one who wears the pants" and "the one who does everything" regardless of how I am feeling or whether I want to be in that role. It's so very frustrating. Honestly, if more ppl thought of headship in the way you describe, I bet there would far more understanding and empathy in relationships.

Jun 02, 2015 7:43 PM

Profiler you did not offend me in any way. I wish my husband would take more of a leadership role in our marriage.

Jun 02, 2015 9:42 PM

My hubby cooks, cleans, & sews on buttons! My son in law does the worst he can because he knows my daughter will shoo him away to do it right herself. When she complains I tell her, "You're the only one who can change that." I have to say, compared to the way our parents generation was against us and the children... We truly had the more equal responsibility way of doing things. πŸ™πŸŒΌ

Jun 04, 2015 11:21 PM

It'll be 30yrs in July for hubby and myself. We've had an aweful lot in that time which included the 1987-'88 Encephalitis, (no sex or anything for 2yrs.) We had dated for 2yrs before marriage then getting sick by the time I was 20. There was A LOT I had to relearn because the illness degressed me to a mental newborn.
Husband is almost 2 yrs older so, yes, we were young when we married. I am glad hubby stayed with me because he did retract me certain thing and I learned about what my body could and couldn't do anymore. It was very hard because I was still coming out of being paralyzed.
Hubby still learns where my pain thresholds are but sometimes...just sometimes I want to smack him for being impatient.
But we are only human and as such I am still learning his Love Language. He now thinks (~.~) he is going to hurt me all the time. So guess what I did....
I told him I had a dream (TRUE) where we got it on and I felt no pain and it was WONDERFUL. Imagine, I said, if I could be like that for you In real life...!
He simply said, "uh huh." (0.0)
My Dr finally put me on muscle relaxers so the apatheid muscles wouldn't hurt so bad on top of everything else. Hubby is glad I'm getting help but wishes he could take the pain from me. (I think he wants me...!) (^_^)

Ready to start relieving your pain?

Join Community