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Fighting emotional thought

Nov 29, 2016 2:58 PM

So you guys know biut my surgery and I've had about a year to get my mind right in accepting the fact that I won't have kids of my own. However, it seems I've been surrounded by the idea of or the mentioning of child. Even the day before my surgery my mom and sister were talking about kids and parenting.
Today I was watching TV and it mentioned motherhood and all

Nov 29, 2016 3:09 PM

Aww honey, it's been made a for sure reality now and I'm sure the whole surgery and trying to recover has made you overly emotional. Not saying that as a diss, just couldn't find the right words but I'm hoping you get what I'm trying to say.
It's a grieving process you are going to have to go through. Unfortunately kids, parents and motherhood are everywhere.
I hope you can come to terms with it soon so that it doesn't drive you nuts.
I can't say i understand because I've never wanted kids.

Nov 29, 2016 3:22 PM

Thsnks gotobef, I think that's actually what concerns me. The fact that this topic is everywhere in everyday situations. So I don't want to break down in tears eveytime someone says something about there children or I see a child or something. My friends have told me that I still have options and I know there right. But I just wo see if the desire to have children will ever go away. Because like u said. For sure it's been decided now. And for the best.

Nov 29, 2016 3:27 PM

Im sorry you are going through this, believe me i understand the pressure the world puts on us women to have children. It's kind of like taunting. We are all here for you. But remember if you so decide to have children any other way (ie. surrogacy or adoption) they are still Yours.

Nov 29, 2016 3:59 PM

((((( hugs )))))

Nov 29, 2016 4:13 PM

Newfibrogirl some things no matter how much we think we are prepared for always knock our emotions out. Once the reality kicks in and it's taken out of your hands that's when you truly realise what's happened and you'll go thro a grieving process all over again.

I'm not sure what the laws and procedures are where you live but in the future you may be able to look at other things like adoption or surrogacy or other options like that but first let yourself heal, spend time on yourself xx


Nov 30, 2016 10:02 AM

Hugs. You're not alone. Hubby and I were unable to have children. We went th

Nov 30, 2016 10:05 AM

I must have hit send before I was ready sorry. We went through three rounds of IVF and lost 7. While all around us people were having babies. It was painful. I'm sorry you're going through it.

Nov 30, 2016 10:41 AM

I have walked in your shoes NewFibroGirl and I understand what you are dealing with and it is never easy. Sending you BIG, SQUISHY MARSHMALLOW HUGS ❤

Nov 30, 2016 11:06 AM

Sending huge hugs to you ... Grief while your body is recovering and changing must be tenfold the feelings.
Please be kind and gentle to yourself today.

Nov 30, 2016 11:18 AM

It is hard at times when I think about what I will never have. And then I try to pull myself out by saying I knew this was the only option. And it really was. I had tried every other medical and even natural option. And nothing worked. So rationally i know I'm doing the best thing for myself.

Nov 30, 2016 11:23 AM

Thanks animallover2 .

Newfibrogirl I there's nothing I can say to make it better. Just standing with you. 💞

Nov 30, 2016 11:25 AM

And that's a lot gibber, just knowing I'm being heard helps

Nov 30, 2016 11:29 AM

Glitchy today ... Full on fatigue happening.
I read what you wrote and I understand how hard it is to accept the loss even with exhausting every possibility .. breathe and please remember you are such a compassionate person and that you are rare and unique being to have such deep feelings.
Sending more hugs!

Nov 30, 2016 11:31 AM

Hugs NFG.

Nov 30, 2016 12:52 PM

@ Newfibrogirl, I'm sorry you are struggling, but I think it's a normal feeling of grief for what you can't have naturally. You've grieved through other medical issues, but this is a very life altering situation for you. Give yourself some time. As others have said there are other possible options. But try not to think of that now. There are reminders all around, especially during Christmas with shopping, Santa, gatherings in homes and churches, etc. The fact you are trying to accept and deal with your situation, it's only natural that you'd notice mothers and children, or conversations about them, all around you. As much as it hurts, let yourself cry and grieve. Sending you big hugs!

@ Gibber, I am sorry to hear of your losses! I lost one child in early pregnancy. I remember how devastated it felt. Sending you big hugs too!

Nov 30, 2016 2:10 PM

Thank you FL81💜

Nov 30, 2016 2:19 PM

NFG I don't know about you but I got very tired of people asking if we'd considered adoption or fostering, or telling us that there are other ways. Like it's the same thing. Of course we have. If you're not in my shoes and you've thought of it. Don't you think that we have? It's not the same. And non of those options are easy options in any sense of the word. Nor free.
I know people mean well these kind of statements and questions are not at all helpful. I thought I'd use this platform to say that. Maybe education on this.
The best statement I ever heard was, " That sucks."
What statements do you hate? What would you rather hear?

Nov 30, 2016 2:45 PM

Gibber, yes it does hurt a bit more when the other opinions are mentioned. Especially, for me I've had a bad experience with fostering. My sister fostered for two years and it was the most stressful experience ever. Not to say that if I did it my experience would be the same but still. As far as statement I hate are like.... well at least you don't have kids now while your sick,....or you couldn't handle children in your current state... I even had a doctor tell me to not even think about pregnancy. All of these are very damaging to my already weak emotional state.

Nov 30, 2016 3:06 PM

Oh my goodness those really sting. They are no consolation that's for sure. Down right nasty actually.
I had someone tell me after the second loss that I should keep my potential pregnancy after IVF quite until I know for sure if it's going to take so as not to upset people too often and too much. Meanwhile it was one of the most difficult times of our lives. And we needed support. It was a pastor non the less that said it. He and his wife went through 8 years of infertility after his wife had cancer. They didn't keep quiet about it. They needed support just like we did. In fact they used and ditched people all the time. It was brutal.
I will not go to baby showers. If that hurts someone so be it. I just can't. I spent years being guilted into going to many. No more of that for me.
What would you find helpful to hear?

Nov 30, 2016 3:30 PM

I'm sorry you've had to face this horrific reality.
I know they wouldn't be children of your own, but you could become a foster parent or adopt a child when you feel ready to take on the role of Mother.
I hope your health is doing better since your surgery x

Nov 30, 2016 3:36 PM

Oh my gosh I'm so sorry I didn't realise how much these things that I've said are so hurtful.
I admit that I have no idea about how much they hurt and I'm soooooo sorry to both of you and thank you for saying how much it hurts and making me realise my thoughtlessness, I can only apologise and promise to try to be more mindful in the future.

Gibber I'm so sorry for what you've been thro and still going thro because it never leaves you and you grieve for each of those babies everyday.
I know it's not an easy road to walk and how expensive it is here in England so the cost elsewhere is going to be just as expensive if not more so.

The doctors and pastors need to be more mindful especially being in the jobs they do....they're meant to be there for you and by the sound of it that pastor has no empathy at all!!

If there's any way I can help please just say and please tell me if I'm being thoughtless and hurtful because that's not my intention, I only wish to offer support in any way I can.
Again I'm soooooo sorry xx

Nov 30, 2016 3:40 PM

Sezzy, I understand totally where you were coming from and I know you and everyone ment well. I still appropriate you intent so please don't feel bad. This has been and is now gonna be a life long issue for me. And it's hard to know what the right thing to say is. So again thank you for your concern.

Nov 30, 2016 3:58 PM

Newfibrogirl girl I try to be mindful and only wish to help where I can, listen when you need to rant and support you when you need it. I try to do this in every area of my life but I do have a tendency to put my foot in it every so often and those times I need to be told that I've done it so I can be pointed in the right direction to offer the best I can.

Spend time on yourself and let yourself heal and grieve. Let yourself take the time to do both and if you need an ear to listen to you whether to rant about the pain of healing physically or to have a shoulder to cry on I'm here xx
Sending you my strongest healing vibes and prayers to help you thro this truamtic time xx

Nov 30, 2016 4:19 PM

Sezzy it's okay my post wasn't actually directed at anyone. I didn't even see anything you said in this regard. I thought it would be a good opportunity to let people in general know that the common responses are hard to hear. I also know as I said people just don't know what to say and just really want to be helpful. So I thought this would be a good thread to make some suggestions on what is and isnt helpful.
Sorry if I had you worried.

Nov 30, 2016 4:20 PM

Flappy I'm so sorry you lost a child too. My heart goes out to you.

Nov 30, 2016 4:23 PM

NFFI can't imagine how hard fostering would be. Sorry your sister had such an awful experience.

Nov 30, 2016 4:25 PM

I'm sorry if I offended you with my earlier post. X

Nov 30, 2016 4:29 PM

Not at all. I just thought it would be a good place to let people know. I know you have good intentions.
It's the most common response actually.
How are you doing today Annuity?

Nov 30, 2016 4:30 PM

Gah autocorrect. I meant Annicott. Lol

Nov 30, 2016 4:37 PM

I totally agree gibber. We all know that this is a safe place. And we live in pain and with various illnesses each and everyday. We come here to learn from teach to and lift up one another. I'm glad that my post was able to open a dialogue. Thsnk you

Nov 30, 2016 4:42 PM

Thank you💜

Nov 30, 2016 4:56 PM

I'm glad that you've brought it up and helped me realise how even tho I try to be mindful there are still times that I need to step back and think is it really appropriate what I'm going to say, especially in things I have no knowledge of and can't even begin to comprehend.

Sending you both my prayers and hugz. I'm here standing beside you both offering my strength for you to lean on xx

Nov 30, 2016 6:44 PM

Thank you Gibber. My first baby was deformed and died in utero, hence my miscarriage. Though I wasn't suppose to, I got pregnant 6 months later. If that child had been born I'd not have my oldest daughter. My heart goes out to you, Newfibrogirl, and others. 😘

Nov 30, 2016 9:09 PM

I can't imagine how hard that would have been.
So glad you have your daughter now.

Dec 01, 2016 5:45 AM

Newfibrogirl, nothing is worse than having the decision taken away from you. Allow yourself to grieve your loss and heal. I hope that you have Brighter Days ahead as you discover alternative options for that will be right for you! 😊 hugs! 💖

Dec 01, 2016 7:49 AM

New, I can't say we are in the exact same situation, but I do understand. After the Novasure back in September, I didn't even think there would be any grieving involved. But I was mistaken. I knew that it would take that option but I never expected that I would be so weepy after. Even now, I'm still dealing with the well meaning question of, "When are you going to start a family?" I still find that comment to sting quite a bit, and probably always will. I can only send huge hugs at this point, but don't really have any words of wisdom for you.

Dec 01, 2016 10:12 AM

The "When are you going to have a family" is not fun. To that I would say "When are you going to mind your own business?"
The other innocent question is "Do you have kids?" I know people ask that out of genuine interest but it's hard.
Sometimes we just say no. Others we say no we can't.

Dec 01, 2016 2:35 PM

Hi @Gibber,

I'm in a lot of pain today, I tried to do some Christmas shopping and all it did was cause me pain.

How are you today?! ❤️

Dec 01, 2016 3:48 PM

That just sucks. I hope you have some time to be able to rest.
I has trouble breathing all morning even with my inhaler but I'm better this afternoon.

Dec 01, 2016 4:07 PM

Gibber, I've not had the when will u start a family question. But things like why didn't u have kids earlier what were u waiting for? And for me I didn't know I would have fertility issues. So in my earlier ages 20-33 I was busy getting my degree and working my career. So when people ask me things like that it hurts even more. As if I wasted my life and missed my chance.

Dec 01, 2016 5:26 PM

My goodness that's awful. :(

Dec 01, 2016 6:14 PM

Children and family are everywhere. You will be fine. If you want children one day remember there are many children that need families. You don't need be pregnant with a child to have a child. You will be ok.

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