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Grieving πŸ’”

May 18, 2018 10:29 PM

Hello & I've missed you all. I've not been on much for 15 months, but I've tried to keep up by reading posts. I wanted to let you know that after 15 months of poor chronic health issues my Dad passed away Wednesday. He developed a cough and fever overnight Tuesday, and Wednesday hospice said he was retaining fluid in his abdomen, and she heard something in his l lungs, plus he had a low grade fever. The staff went to help him get dressed yesterday and told him they would be right back. When she returned he was gone. His body was slumped over, as if he was sitting on the the edge of his seat and fell back & sideways, like he'd fainted. I think his heart just stopped. There was no strain or pained look on for face. He was feeling so bad on Wednesday, coughing nearly nonstop. He'd open his eyes and mumble to us, once saying, "Well it's nearly over." I wish I had said it's ok for him to let go and go on. But instead, feeling he was just wishing for death like he'd done for the past 4 weeks because he was tired and exhausted from his physical suffering, I stupidly said, "Well Dad, only God can say when it's over. It could be today or next year but only God knows when." I've been awake crying since just after 4:00 am. I already miss his smile, his laugh, his worrying over my stepmom. How do you hold up as the one who must do it all, plan it all, be strong for all? I've already had 2 arguments with one sister because she's upset she can't call the shots. When she started off that "only a chosen few get to make any decisions" I snapped back at her, "that's right, and Dad made that call years ago!". Why do some people have to become ugly and snap at everyone when someone dies? I think my mom's death in 1999 started the fractures between my siblings. And it looks like my dad's death is going to shatter us all apart. It's like no decision I've had to make the past 2 years for Dad was good enough. They don't stop to think about the stress I've been under. My oldest daughter fell apart, as did my baby sister when I called to tell them Dad was gone. They both had plans to see him soon and I never thought he'd go this quickly. I'd asked Good to either heal him quickly from this episode of sickness or take him home quickly. I didn't want him to have to suffer anymore. He told me just last Sunday, " I'm tired and can't go on much longer. I don't have anything else to live for, as I'm useless, unable to even care for myself." He felt he was nothing but a burden. He was emotionally, physically, & even spiritually drained, and has been since his last CHF episode in February. He was depressed because we could no longer take him out anywhere re, due to continuous oxygen use, and he was no longer able to even feel his bladder emotionally so he had constant "overload" accidents which embarrassed him. He even lost his bladder when he passed. As hard and stressful as the past 15 months have been, caring for he & my my stepmom, I wouldn't change a thing. I went to see my stepmom today, who had to move to memory care 3 weeks ago. When I parked I realized my Dad wasn't there, I'd not be able to visit them both anymore. I feel like I have a hole in my heart 😒 And on top of it all the stress flared my Sjogrens-Fibromyalgia flare up again; just started feeling better after a 21 day flare & now it's returning. 😫 Thanks for listening! Hugs love & prayers for you allβ£πŸ˜™πŸ™πŸ₯€

May 19, 2018 1:13 AM

So sorry for your loss.

May 19, 2018 3:59 AM

So sorry for your loss. It's hard when parents pass. I've lost both mine. My sister is the oldest and felt she should make all decisions about their funerals without consultaling the other 4 of us. It's hard dealing with siblings during this time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

May 19, 2018 8:55 AM

Thank you Nance49 & AnimalLover2. That's just it, I have asked for their suggestions & input on the ceremony itself. But not on the legal things they cannot do, because our Dad specified how he wanted things and who he wanted to do it in his power of attorney & will. One sibling just thinks everything needs to accommodate them and them alone. I'm having to base decisions on what easiest for all concerned parties as well as follow my Dad's instructions. I think neices and nephews should be in charge so that a parents death doesn't cause siblings to fight. And to allow the v children time to grieve instead of being stressed going through the motions of "do this, do that, don't forget this, and oh I have to do that.". It's just too much.

Thank you again πŸ˜’β€πŸ™πŸŒΌ

May 19, 2018 9:19 AM

Sorry for your loss, I'll be thinking of you and your family xx God bless

May 20, 2018 10:59 AM

So very sorry. I’m glad that he had a support system like youth sounds like he really cared I am sure he is in a better place or where there is no suffering.

Try to remember the good times they weren’t all bad. It’s nice to know there are people like you out there wish you all the best

May 20, 2018 2:09 PM

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss and great difficulties this has brought about. I hope you find the strength and wisdom to find your way through this. Take care of yourself

May 23, 2018 2:20 PM

I feel so sorry for your loss. I wish god give you all his strength to support yourself in hard times.

May 24, 2018 11:03 AM

Oh no Flappys, I just saw this post, I am so so sorry to see that your dad passed away, I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. My heart is aching for you and you are in my dearest and deepest thoughts and prayers. You have been there for me when I was going through so very much with my aunt when she was ill and just know that I am here for you. Love you my sweet friend πŸ’–

May 25, 2018 6:10 AM

So sorry to hear that your dad has passed. These past few years have been an emotional rollycoaster for you. He is at peace now. May the Grace of God get you through this difficult time and may his compassionate arms surround you with his loving embrace. You’ve done an excellent job flappsy. I’m sure he is proud of you as his daughter. You’ve been a loving and caring daughter. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. πŸ˜˜πŸ€—

May 25, 2018 8:24 AM

Very well written descriptions of some of lifes realities that can be a curve ball or the expected slow ball to our life. Keep sharing as I am encouraged by your honesty.

May 27, 2018 4:55 PM

Just now reading this Flappy, so sorry to read. Been thinking of you often.

May 28, 2018 9:43 PM

I want to thank each & every one of you for your kindness! It's been a tough week, especially trying to dodge or derail intended sibling rivalry. We had to do Dads funeral Saturday & bury him yesterday because of long distance travel between where it was most feasible to have the services, versus where he wanted to be buried. Two siblings were itching to fight and everyone present picked up on it. But omg, the sibling I allowed to write the eulogy praised our Dad's time with her mom (died in '95), wouldn't mention my mom (divorced, mother of 4, and I was ok with that), but barely addressed my Dad's current widow (married 20 yr). It was insulting & disrespectful to Dad & Stepmom (& family) but I held my tongue to keep peace, though apparently others did not & sure let ME know about how they felt (But they didn't tell her, and she didn't let me know ahead). Then she wondered why our stepmom didn't want to ride home with her. Really? Omg! I ignored anyone who wanted to argue or fight, except to be polite & supportive. I hadnt cried for a week until I broke down at the funeral Saturday. Now I have cried on & off since to the point of a headache. Now another sibling is ignoring me, and I don't really care. But intuition says trouble is brewing. I'm not putting up with it from anyone anymore. I was there for Dad & I will be there for my stepmom. Just keep me in your thoughts & prayers please. All this has caused one of the longest & worst Sjogrens & Fibromyalgia flares I've had since 2012. Love hugs & prayers for all of you to have a good night's rest & a better day tomorrow!β˜Ίβ€πŸ™βš˜

May 29, 2018 11:29 AM

I'm so sorry. I haven't lost a parent but have lost a son and the bond, I believe, goes both ways. Take your time as you grieve your precious father. Take care.

Jun 01, 2018 11:59 AM

Hi Flappy,
I'm fairly new to this Forum being a Chronic Pain Patient. I wanted to extend my Sympathy to you and your Family.
I lost both parents. One in 87, one in 2015. I was the Caretaker for my Mom who passed 3 years ago.
Please do not feel bad about ANYTHING. It sounds as if you and your Father have a Close Relationship with God. God knew your Dad was tired and did notvwant him to remain in a body that could no longer function as strong as his Spirit. Your Father RIGHT NOW is stringy, young and no longer trapped in an earthly, frail body. He is busy seeing all the Wonder of Heaven like a Child experiencing Snow for the very first time!
I will be praying for you and we all are hear for you!

Jun 04, 2018 1:47 AM

Aww FlappsyLady81 i Am so sorry for your loss hun, Big but gentle hugs to you.
My grandma is in the hospital and have had big issues with bloodclots and things past few months and just two weeks ago a new one was found in her intestine and they had to take a part out as it died an gave her blood poisoning shes still hanging in there but non of us can really relax and have this big nervous lump in our stomachs and cant help thinking we will loose her soon πŸ˜”πŸ˜” but I'm trying to keep positive and pray.
Sorry for sidetracking hun just know I'm thinking of you hun ❀️

Jun 12, 2018 6:09 PM

@ 2redhot, RachelsHope, & Foxypanda84, thank you all, & everyone else, for your support! Yesterday was a super emotionally draining day for me. I'd break down crying on & off all day. Today's been a little better. I don't look forward to this weekend and want to just crawl in a hole. But that wouldn't be good for me or nice to my hubby. I'm sure as time goes by good memories will replace the pain & loss. At least it did when I lost my mom. I'm not sleeping well & can't concentrate well, so I'm just focusing one thing at a time.

Foxypanda, I hope your grandma gets better soon. Blood clots can be very scary. I have to wear thigh high compression stockings to prevent them because my leg veins circulation backflow. Sending hugs love & prayers to all for a peaceful 24 hours! β˜Ίβ€πŸ™πŸŒΈ

Jun 18, 2018 4:17 PM


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