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Guilt

Mar 06, 2015 12:17 AM

I've got two young kids, a new home, and a small menagerie of critters to take care of but lately I've been essentially non-functional all the time. I quit school and don't work, and gave up on having another baby, because of this god-awful pain. I'm home with the kids and the home because I can't contribute in any other way right now, except now I can't even do normal housewife stuff. Our house is wrecked, we're still sort of living out of boxes, and we have been trying to finalize things at the old house for three months. Tonight my poor wife confessed that she just wants to go hide in a cabin alone to de-stress. But she can't, because I can't function. She had been taking care of everything because I can't, as she can't even get a break because of me.

How do I deal with the massive load of guilt and worthlessness that comes with this stupid disease? Endometriosis was awful enough, but fibromyalgia is the worst.

Mar 06, 2015 6:46 AM

First Mountaingirl, your inabilities do not make you worthless. I struggle with many things now that use to be second nature to me. My "office" where I keep all bills and household paperwork is like you said, "a shambles." It frustrates me because Im getting lost in where things are because it looks totally cluttered.

Instead of beating myself up over it all, I take it one day at a time, one step at a time, one thing to accomplish at a time. I also take breaks to rest. I'm surprised at what I can accomplish in 5, 10, 15 minutes at a time.

As for your wife needing to "get away," is there a friend or family member who can come a couple of days to give her a getaway night or two? Maybe you could pay someone to come help, either with the house or kids? Hire a teenager to help with the kids maybe.

Praying for your family & you 🙏🌼

Mar 06, 2015 6:48 AM

I understand completely!! I don't know how to "breakout" of the guilt either. My husband works 2 full time jobs and we have 3 kids. I know he should come home to a clean house (at least picked up a bit) and Gabe his laundry done etc. Some days and sometimes weeks go past and I do nothing. I don't want my kids to have memories be of mom always sick. I feel terrible about it and don't know how to stop either. I know it's not my fault, however my heart disagrees with my brIn on this. I wish I words of wisdom to share but I don't. What I can say is you're not alone, and hopefully things will change for the better. Chin up my friend!

Mar 06, 2015 5:53 PM

My body is feeling a little less awful today but the guilt is still there. I've had pain issues since my teens but I was still able to manage my daily activities, they really only started getting unbearable last September. I don't know how to deal with the sudden onset of this, maybe if it had been more gradual I'd be better able to adjust mentally?.

Just the thought of hiring somebody to help with the kids or the house is both a huge relief and a huge source of the guilt because I'm only 31 and I should be able to make my kids lunch or let the dogs out. But lately, most of the time, I just can't.

I suggested to my wife that maybe one of our friends could come stay with me and the kids so she could get away for a couple nights and she suggested maybe the kids could go stay with friends instead so I could have an break too. We'll see if we make it happen but at least we've got some ideas. Thank you!

Mar 06, 2015 7:18 PM

I understand the guilt part. I am just about to turn 38 and up until 7 months ago I have always been very active. Many manual labor type jobs, playing sports like softball, and being the sole provider for my household. When I woke up with a lot of pain I figured oh give it a day or two and I'll be fine.

Well here I sit 7 months later fighting to try and get any money coming in cause I haven't had one full day without pain and fatigue. Now my wife who hasn't worked in over 4years cause I figured it was easier to just have her stay home and take care of the kids, is getting a job. While I try and figure out what I can do to keep things going around the house.

Some days I just feel horrible cause I still feel I should just get up and do things. But if I do I can pretty much count on the next few days not doing anything. Hoping I can find the level of things I can do and not over do it, to be able to help out more. Hope you can get some time to relax soon and find a good level of activity for yourself.

Mar 06, 2015 7:22 PM

Moutaingirl and Wife of 1mom3 I know how disheartening it is to not be able to do like you did before the pain. Don't beat yourselves up. If your kids are old enough to help a little. Let them do little things to help mom out. They know that you are hurting and they probably would like to know they are helping you feel better. They could pick up clothes and tote them to the washer not a basket but a few at a time and hand the to you to put into the wash. Maybe pull the clothes out of the dryer help fold clothes and put them up.

Mar 06, 2015 7:40 PM

Accidentally hit the reply button, maybe you could pick one thing to get accomplished tomorrow, then divide the day into sections where you stop and rest, like emptying some of those boxes and put the contents up rest in between who cares if you don't get but one or two done the thing is you accomplished something. Don't over do it take your time and rest. Take everything one day at a time, enjoy your children now while they are little, build memories with them. Teach them what's important to love each other, respect each other, and to be there to help each other thru bad as well as good times, and about how much God loves us.

Mar 06, 2015 8:39 PM

JayS77 have you applied for disability yet. Ask your Dr if he or she could help you get on it. Have you thought about going to school to learn something not so physical to do. Can you sit for long periods of time? Have you gotten a diagnosis what is causing you pain

Mar 06, 2015 10:35 PM

In process of disability now. Been told fibromyalgia and some type of arthritis. With the memory and concentration problems not sure if I'd be able to handle going back to school yet.

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