Running on autopilot that's ready to crash. I think it says a lot when things go so badly the night before that I'd rather not even get out of bed to face the day. But I have no choice. Others depend on me (who can't help themselves right now). I have to leave soon even though I've been trying to get ready for 3 hours. As I get ready I feel my own body literally dragging through the motions, and at times my feet or the cane tip trips me up and I stumble.
Dad was in a horrible mood yesterday & last night. After the third call from family members sitting with him, I drove up to see if I could calm him down. I cried all the way home, angry that Dad is nothing like the man I remember, angry that he could be so hateful and cruel to everyone in the family. But like Jekyll and Hyde he changes instantaneously to a polite person if Health Care staff walks in.
Spoke to my stepmom earlier and she said he's not as onery as he was yesterday. But I have to push myself to go sit with him and relieve her today so she can go home. I can't even spend time with my daughter who is home from Texas for a few days to get her things and her dog and permanently move.
I don't think I've ever felt bitterness or resentment at having to care for any parent, until last night. I don't think I've ever questions God's mercy and Grace before, until last night. I can't put into words the hateful mean things he said, trying to run us off. I just wish I could forget them. It would be better for him to die than live another year or more like this. I grew up in a Christian home, with loving and caring people. This man is the exact farthest thing from either. I pray God gives me strength and courage to face him for however long dad needs me.