I'll apologise now because I don't think what I'm going to write will be coherent because I'm not feeling coherent.....in fact I feel like I'm falling apart, I'm off kilter and I'm struggling.
My CBT counsellor has discharged me after 4 sessions as I'm feeling worse and anything she's told me to try helped in the moment of doing it but as soon as I stopped everything came rushing back.
I feel like I'm on a slippery slop down and one more thing is going to tip the scales and send me tumbling down that slop into the darkest place I've ever been.
I feel like I'm just bearley staying afloat.
But I also feel empty, like I have nothing left to give, like I'm going thro the motions for my two kids.....if it wasn't for them I think I would of hit this slop a long time ago but now I'm struggling even for them.
My pain is soo high and the anxiety is soo unbearable and my mood is rock bottom, I feel like I've given up without even realising that I'd done it.
My anxiety is soo bad that I can't even go to the supermarket to pick up a prescription on my own. I sit in the car park trying to talk myself into getting out of the car but then there's all the people in the supermarket, all the noise and soo many people.
I can't get out of the car to talk to over parents on the school run....there's just too many of them, it's too crowded. I've started to distance myself from people including friends and family. I've found that family members who are organising meet ups or parties are sending the invites to my kids so that my kids pester me and I promise I'll take them, then while I'm there and everyone is enjoying themselves I'm trying to find a space where no one is around and I feel sick and I've even started to get stomach cramps and diarrhoea which I'm positive is caused by the stress of the pressure of being there. I try to politely make our excuses to leave but the kids want to stay longer and I feel like my heart is racing, I'm sweaty, I'm nauseous and my body feels soo tense I hurt all over. At this point the kids realise how bad I am and we leave. I've tried talking to them about it before hand but when we get there they get lost in the moment and forget because they're excited to spend time with family.
That I've kind got used to over the last year but the anxiety is getting worse not better.
Today I've woke up with pain in my right ear. I rang the doctors and they called me back saying that as there's no discharge or itchiness in the ear canal the it doesn't sound like a bacterial infection so it could be a viral infection which you can't treat with antibiotics (I know that!), it could just be random pain or it could be right sided trigeminal neuralgia. I'm praying it's either viral or random. As the evening has worn on I'm now in pain not just the right ear but it's also nw starting to travel down my right jaw. I'm struggling to cope with the pain on the left but the right as well????
I'm really not sure what's happening at all now u just hope the pain goes away