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How can I pull myself out of this low and dark mood?

Nov 21, 2016 2:49 PM

I'll apologise now because I don't think what I'm going to write will be coherent because I'm not feeling coherent.....in fact I feel like I'm falling apart, I'm off kilter and I'm struggling.
My CBT counsellor has discharged me after 4 sessions as I'm feeling worse and anything she's told me to try helped in the moment of doing it but as soon as I stopped everything came rushing back.
I feel like I'm on a slippery slop down and one more thing is going to tip the scales and send me tumbling down that slop into the darkest place I've ever been.
I feel like I'm just bearley staying afloat.
But I also feel empty, like I have nothing left to give, like I'm going thro the motions for my two kids.....if it wasn't for them I think I would of hit this slop a long time ago but now I'm struggling even for them.
My pain is soo high and the anxiety is soo unbearable and my mood is rock bottom, I feel like I've given up without even realising that I'd done it.
My anxiety is soo bad that I can't even go to the supermarket to pick up a prescription on my own. I sit in the car park trying to talk myself into getting out of the car but then there's all the people in the supermarket, all the noise and soo many people.
I can't get out of the car to talk to over parents on the school run....there's just too many of them, it's too crowded. I've started to distance myself from people including friends and family. I've found that family members who are organising meet ups or parties are sending the invites to my kids so that my kids pester me and I promise I'll take them, then while I'm there and everyone is enjoying themselves I'm trying to find a space where no one is around and I feel sick and I've even started to get stomach cramps and diarrhoea which I'm positive is caused by the stress of the pressure of being there. I try to politely make our excuses to leave but the kids want to stay longer and I feel like my heart is racing, I'm sweaty, I'm nauseous and my body feels soo tense I hurt all over. At this point the kids realise how bad I am and we leave. I've tried talking to them about it before hand but when we get there they get lost in the moment and forget because they're excited to spend time with family.
That I've kind got used to over the last year but the anxiety is getting worse not better.
Today I've woke up with pain in my right ear. I rang the doctors and they called me back saying that as there's no discharge or itchiness in the ear canal the it doesn't sound like a bacterial infection so it could be a viral infection which you can't treat with antibiotics (I know that!), it could just be random pain or it could be right sided trigeminal neuralgia. I'm praying it's either viral or random. As the evening has worn on I'm now in pain not just the right ear but it's also nw starting to travel down my right jaw. I'm struggling to cope with the pain on the left but the right as well????
I'm really not sure what's happening at all now u just hope the pain goes away

Nov 21, 2016 3:13 PM

Oh sweetie.. ((((gentle hugs)))) I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

I am not familiar with what CBT is? Wouldn't they be obligated to find you help if they couldn't help you? Did they not give you any coping ideas.. Etc. It just bothers me that knowing how badly you are doing they just let you go. But then I don't know what it is that they do. There must be somewhere else they can refer you to.

I wish I had a magic wand, or at least answers.

For the family gatherings - is there not a family member who could pick the children up and then bring them home afterwards? Or you take them, stay a short time, then have a family member bring them home later?

Nov 21, 2016 6:51 PM

Crappy crappy crappy and insert a ton of swear words. Shit Sezzy I'm so sorry the CBT was a nightmare ... It's like a drug trial of new meds you need to have that time to just cope with what may happen and to be able to barely scrap by in caring for just yourself ... Ha ha ha doesn't work when you're a mom.
I completely understand. I'm terrified if CBT .. what about that other treatment someone suggested it seems gentle .. I'll search the posts and let you know.
I just got another counselor and she's is quite nice ... She's a social worker with a background in women and violence. She is very affirming ... Which helps.
All I focus on is what I haven't/couldn't done/do but not what I have overcome and problem solved. I think you could use a little of that. Feeling like a shitty parent is a sign you aren't.

So breathe, make a list of what to do to make yourself calm ... For when shit hits the fan ... I find singing to really shitty 80's songs can help ... I do that as I drive around .. I can't sing.
Rescue remedy? Yes I know you would have to go into a store.
I go early to the shops as soon as my son goes to school .. less people.

I don't do much either and then wallow in guilt about it ... I need time to plan going to an event .. a friend had tickets to Duran Duran thus summer and I just couldn't imagine going ... Yes I loved Duran Duran in highschool ... My uncle a pilot called in the distress signal from Simon Lebon's sailboat back in the day ... Aren't my random stories soo interesting ...

Make a short list of what to do ..
Plan one outing a day. .. pick a time .. plan your route ... do something familiar .. I use the power of saving money .. I use coupons sales and here sometimes I get stuff free,.. it's my distraction while out ... These are what helps me. ... Most days.

Nov 21, 2016 6:57 PM

Hang in there ... It makes me sad that you are in such a rough patch ... You have overcome so much and you can do this too.
I believe in you. You're smart, caring, loving, thoughtful and a great mom.

Breathe and plan on some self care when the kids are in school .. crisps, a nice bath and some crappy TV or movie that makes you laugh ... Biggest hugs!!!!

And I'm going to try and take my own advice and try to get some tlc in while my son's at school ...

Nov 21, 2016 8:08 PM

Sezzy! I'm so sad that You feel so Down! I truly hope that this is very temporary! I don't know what a CBT is, but assuming therapist with Chronic pain? I didn't realize that they could discharge you! I think if you aren't responding to treatment, others in your care team are largely responsible as well.
Continue to center on your kids! Even if you don't feel like you are are able to rise to the occasion of the day, they deserve to know that you love them with all of your heart. I don't know how old they are, but certainly they are able help some?
I know that we all get down lower than most, ... What separates "us" from them, is that we live for the sometimes only minutes of feeling "ok" I pray that you will see Something that gives you joy enough to get up today and then tomorrow morning and continue searching each day so hard for the One positive thing in your day, that you are too busy looking for Good that one by one, each bad is a bit better than the worst. It may not be Great, but better than the Worst! Find someone you click with and dedicated to making sure that you have the tools to be and feel the best that you can be! 💖

Nov 22, 2016 4:51 AM

OMG I keep writing replies and then they phone freezes or I hit the wrong place and everything disappears!!! Oh this is so frustrating!!! I'll try one more time....

Nov 22, 2016 6:07 AM

Sezzy, I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. That post could be me exactly at this time (with the exception of children). It's not easy. I just keep looking for the good in each day, I sing, I spend time with my BFF who soothes my soul and lifts my spirits as I hope I do for her. (I know I do, I just didn't want to brag. LOL!!😜) Random humor, laughter.. it all helps. The night hours alone and awake are the worst. It's lonely and hard but I muddle through and wait for the next day to begin. It will get better. I don't know how but it will. Hang in there, it's going to be ok.💕😊

Nov 22, 2016 9:59 AM

Sorry for what you're going through Sezzy. Why did the therapist let you go so quickly?

Nov 22, 2016 10:08 AM

CBT therapy is for post traumatic stress disorder and unfortunately it will trigger the fight or flight response .. so basically from what I understand you desensitized yourself from your traumas ... But to do that you are triggered. And nothing like panic to set everything else off.
It's important to have the support after the triggers ... I'm cant remember what med my dr suggested to be on the lessen the impact ... Aside from Ativan ... Does that explain it well enough Sezzy? Hoping your phone gets on board ... Mine is being a hassle as well.

Nov 22, 2016 11:56 AM

Thank you everyone I really do appreciate your kind words and they do help.
If I try to tell my family they start to panic thinking I'm going to do something stupid or I get the stop being silly and pull yourself out of it, you just got to push thro it.....which all that does is push me further and further down the slippery slop because it feels like they think the anxiety is fake or not as bad as I try to tell them so it's better for me at times not to tell them.....
posting before it disappears....more to come 😱

Nov 22, 2016 11:58 AM

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a talking therapy that can help you manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave

That's the definition from the NHS website before I forget!!!!

Nov 22, 2016 12:15 PM

The CBT counsellor discharged me because I wasn't getting any benefit from it, in fact as the weeks went on I was becoming worse. She said she was going to refer me to a secondary health organisation as I need more help than primary care.....secondary care from what I can gather is them coming to me, helping me overcome my anxieties as they arise or something like that?
I knew I wasn't heading in a good direction before it started but it seems that the more I went the darker my mood was going and most times we didn't even talk about the past in the sense of the ex, we spoke about what happened in the last week and what my thoughts were then she would try to give me coping and breathing exercises. They were fine while I was doing them but when I stopped and went back to my daily chores or whatever I was doing everything came back and more!!
I did try to tell my mum last night when she phoned, she was better than some but she was still "you just have to go into the supermarket on your own, when you take Jo you spend more money. Once you're in there you'll be fine, there's nothing to worry about" which made me feel useless and even more anxious....I tried to tell her that as well but she had to go as dad called saying she was needed in the bar they own.
I've found its easier not to tell them too much as it makes me feel worse even tho I know they're trying to help

Nov 22, 2016 12:22 PM

Mimikay I'm not close enough to family to do that, they would be coming completely out of their way to get the kids or to drop them off plus they think I should just push thro it and I'd have a great time while I'm there. Most don't know what it's like and those who have had some problems haven't been this bad so again they were able to push thro it!

I too wish I had at least some answers or a magic wand then i would make sure everyone would benefit from it.

Nov 22, 2016 12:31 PM

Foggurl you're right with the cbt triggering the response....but I seen to be permanently in flight or fight. I don't know how desensitising myself from the trauma will work.....maybe it's too soon to try that then?
The only day to day support I have is my two and I'm trying soo hard not to let it it affect them but it doesn't matter as they know just by looking at me! Your explanation sounds spot on but like I said there's not really any close by support other than my two and anyone else in my family think that I'm just not as bad as I say!!!
I did treat myself today....I bought a millionaires cheese cake and I've now had half of it.....quarter after lunch and a quarter after dinner!!! It is soooooo nice and it's gonna be a struggle not to eat anymore tonight!!! Lol

Nov 22, 2016 1:05 PM

Hooray for self care!!! Yes I don't know how that desensitized would work either . Big hugs !

Nov 22, 2016 1:19 PM

Awwwww. My Sezzy :( I'm so sorry u know u got me even if spuratic, I'm sending u angels to help you on ur way.. Two to be exact one to lift u one to lift ur soul spirit and self!!!! Don't watch for them u won't see them BUT I GUARENTEE YOU WILL FEEL THEM!!! Hugz to u... NOW, FOCUS ON THIS GUY LET IT GO!!!! BUST OUT, GRAB UR STICK SHOUT IT I KNOW U GOT IT LOVE U PONDY

Nov 22, 2016 2:21 PM

Mich60 my kids are my joy even when they argue and slamming doors on each other or taking each others charging cables....you'd think at 14 and 10 they'd learn to at least be civil to each other!!!
At the moment they are the reason I get up, get dressed and push thro as much as I can but it is getting harder and I keep going back to the doctors even tho they keep saying there's not much they can do at the moment. I have to wait another 2 months to see if the new antidepressant will work, I've got the mental health nurse on the 1st Dec, they've also said I'm in a better position than most with my 2 kids and a roof over our heads....I keep saying that doesn't really help, I'm only going thro the motions for my two but I'm struggling to find my way thro!!!!
Today my joy has been my daughter asked if her friend could come over for a bit I was on the spot but I could see how much it meant for Jo so I said yes. After we'd got home and had dinner the girls were upstairs I could hear them practising singing the songs for the schools Christmas Carol Concert. They got on so well and sounded lovely it was a joy to listen to them (even being out of tune to the songs they don't know!) XX

Nov 22, 2016 2:32 PM

Alwayz I'm so sorry you're going through this as well, I hope it doesn't last too long and you find the joy in today and share with your BFF....I love random humor and random stories (foggurl I liked Duran Duran as well Shhhh don't tell anyone tho!!! Lol).
It's the night hours that keeps the washing machine spinning in my head....all the what if's, why did I, I should have, if only......and on and on!!!
I hope you're feeling better alwayz , keep looking for the joys that's my intention now to try to ease the darkness.....bring the light xx

Nov 22, 2016 2:38 PM

MizzMonroe I love that guys face well he does have a great stick.
Thank you for the angels I'm sure they'll help me when I least expect it......now I just gotta do as your favourite lady says....just keep swimming just keep swimming just keep swimming.....🐠

Nov 22, 2016 3:37 PM

Gibber how are you holding up? how's your mum doing? XX

Nov 22, 2016 6:30 PM

Omg my cousin posted some quotes from Steven wright on Facebook ... I was just belly laughing at the swimming pool during my son's lesson. .. not sure if hes your cup of tea but snort snicker chuckle ...
"If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends?" And so on ..
Ok second Duran Duran story .. my Finnish friend's best mate looked up I think John Taylor address in London ... He wasn't home but his brother was .. I think they had tea.

And yes I liked Wham ... I had their first 45 record ... I lived in a small rural village in Canada .. no one knew who they were .. yes I had their photo up in my locker.

Glad you enjoyed your day!

Nov 22, 2016 6:45 PM

Awww im sorry your going through this. I honestly somewhat know how u feel. When my anxiety kicks in, its not fun. But having someone to talk to helps a lot.

Nov 22, 2016 10:08 PM

Foggurl I loved that barbie joke, it did make me chuckle.
I wouldn't have minded tea with them. How did you get to hear about wham and Duran Duran all that way in a time before Internet?
My kids look at me like I'm a crazy person when I say they've got it easy....when I was at school they didn't have computers or tablets or HD etc... and how I used to try and record the songs from the radio on my cassette player, I had a SNES which I set up for the kids a couple of years ago and my son was like "seriously mum is that really what you used to play on? The graphics are soo rubbish and the game is so slow!!!!"
I will Steven Wright in the morning after the school run.
Thank you foggurl, I hope your having a pain easy day xx

Nov 22, 2016 10:37 PM

Thank you moni125 and I'm soo sorry that you are suffering from this also. It's not nice or easy to live with the anxiety and depression mixed.
I hope you're week is a pain less xx

Nov 22, 2016 10:39 PM

Sorry. Its not. In fact im having surgery soon to see if I endometriosis.

Nov 22, 2016 10:54 PM

Oh no, that really isn't good. I hope the surgery goes well for you. Please keep us up to date on how things go.
You're in my prayers and I'm sending you { { { BIG GENTLE HEALING LOVING HUGS } } } XX

Nov 25, 2016 8:09 PM

Just keep talking..it's a hard place to be but it happens to us all... this is what the group is for to help you through the dark times.

Nov 26, 2016 1:39 AM

Sounds like you are having a combination of migraines, tmj (jaw disorder), and depression with anxiety. A dentist can tell you if you are suffering from tmj. This can cause pain radiating from the ear across the face from teeth grinding at night. Pop onto migraine action.org website to see if you have any of those symptoms and speak to your doc about that. Also massage is great for these conditions as it releases stress in the body. A once a week with a good therapist in this area will help.

Nov 27, 2016 3:18 AM

Tigtan is that for me? Sorry if it's not and for someone who has posted on here....I'm so easily confused!
I do have TMJ from grinding my teeth and I have trigeminal neuralgia. TN is nerve pain of the trigeminal nerve in the side of my face, I get it in all three branches of the trigeminal nerve on the left side of my face.....ear, eye, jaw and cheek....and at the moment also in two branches of the right side of my face....ear, jaw and cheek. I very rarely get migraines any more since I started getting the TN pain.
My anxiety and depression is crippling and it's all linked....if my pain is high my mood is low and my anxiety is crippling.....if my anxiety is high my mood is low and the TN pain is high.....a constant cycle that I'm in atm.
I've been referred to so many different people now it's almost a joke!!!
Thank you soo much for taking the time for replying, it helps to know people understand and want to help xxx

Nov 27, 2016 3:20 AM

Newfibrogirl I'm trying to talk but the last few days have been hard so I've been a bit quiet but I'm trying to fight back now! Xx

Nov 27, 2016 7:48 AM

Yup that's what we do PONDY, JUST KEEP SWIMMING JUST KEEP SWIMMING, in fact I'm just about drink my sudo coffee watch my ritual two episodes of my angel lady laughter n love!!! I won't ever get to meet her but oh how I wish I could just shake her hand I will even wear s glove cuz she's not big on being touched lol I worship her and she keeps me going I cannot watch that show and not bust a gut at some thing lol... Hugz pondy I <3 u...

Nov 27, 2016 1:53 PM

MizzMonroe I love reading your stuff and looking at your amazing pictures....hugz back at ya I <3 ya too x

Nov 27, 2016 3:42 PM

You are an amazing mom. You make sure your kids have wonderful experiences, even though they cause you stress. You get the shopping done so they'll have food, even though it's so difficult for you. Kudos to you for being an outstanding example of love and self-sacrifice for your children. They are lucky to have you.

Nov 27, 2016 4:39 PM

Im sorry to hear of the whirlwind of emotions you must be feeling right now. I had a similiar experience this week. The pain and fatigue was too much for me to attend a gathering. My friend sent a picture of all the children at the gathering and said "minus one" (meaning my child). I dragged myself there and spent most of my time alone and in pain. Ive never suffered from depression but I know that pain can cause us to slip into it deeper and deeper.

Something I also did this week that helped me and maybe it will help you... I made a list of everything that makes me happy and I try focusing on those things. The list ranges from Mountains to chocolate to John Mayer...lol. Idk if you enjoy reading the bible but I will tell you thats number 1 for relaxing me. Especially the psalms. David went thru some emotional stuff! Whatever it is... FIND YOUR HAPPY AND CLING TO IT. Its helping me hopefully it will you too.

Another thing I do is not matter how much I want to stay in a dark room all day I make myself open the blinds at some point to see the sun. It truly changes my mood.
Gentle hugs my friend! May you find a measure of peace!!!

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