Life is so different from what I am use to and how it use to be. I find it hard to let go of those things I use to do and enjoy so much. My house is slowly being modified to make living manageable. Bars on the toilet seat, shower chairs, rails, new kitchen aides to help me function in the kitchen like a jar opener, etc., handicap placard for the car, application for door to door transportation. I like the flare up box which I will develop but I do not have flare ups because I have never been in remission. I see people doing things and with fond memory remember when I use to be able to do and wish so badly that I could still do. I can not let go of the desire to continue life as normal. My mind says I feel I can. My body says no I can not. I do not know how I will be from one day to the next. Each day I do know there will be pain. What level is a toss up. What other body organ will not function as it did before my illness is frustrating. I am a prisoner in this painful body. What is life suppose to look like now? How do I find my new normal?