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How do you stop the suggestions

Oct 31, 2015 7:57 PM

My husband thinks he is helping. I don't know how to get him to stop.

He works with the public and seems to have made my health issues a major topic. We live in an area that seems to believe and chase anything, the newest thing that claims to help.

He is always passing along the latest quackery idea. Today it was another. I don't want to say what it is because I certainly am not looking to make anyone feel bad.

In my opinion if you can go on the internet, get training and call yourself a "practioner" with zero medical education well it sounds like a gimic, quackery, or schemes to me.

How do I stop his need to help by being gullible in what everyone suggests?

Oct 31, 2015 10:43 PM

Shammagren, My hubby does the same thing. I told him "I really appreciate his thoughtfulness. I realize he's trying to help. But no two chronic pain people are alike. What works for one may not work for another. And I'd consider looking into it, them if I feel it's worthy of a second look I'll let my doc know."

I feel it's just something easier to overlook, rather than trying to stop him. Having been disbelieved by him in the beginning, until my rheumy doc educated and scolded him... I'll take his hair-brained suggestions any day compared to the sarcasm & doubtful smartly comments. Hugs to you. Hope someone else answers better! 🙏🌼

Oct 31, 2015 11:24 PM

Shammagren, my suggestion would be to explain to him like you are explaining to us about how these ideas come about. Explain how people get there ideas off their internet and think they are gospel. I don't claim to know what your situation is but this situation might call for compassion on your part. If we have a spouse who truly loves us, just imagine what it is like for them to be on the sidelines and not to be able to do anything to help us. i am sure you have imagined it. The fact that he is listening and passing it on to you suggest that he may feel that way. If that is the case, You would be fortunate to have someone to love you like that. I know these suggestions must be annoying and many times sounds crazy but he may be desperate to help. You have to remember how men are made. They are not the best at communicating but they want to fix things. They want to offer solutions.. My wife use to tell me, i don't want you to fix my problem. I just want you to listen. Maybe you can tell him that is the biggest thing he can do for you. Just be there for you when you want to rant, or cry when this pain and disease gets too much. Maybe he doesn't appreciate how valuable that is over these solutions he brings home for you. I am just saying that as a husband, I didn't know what my wife really needed until she told me. It wasnt obvious to me even if it should of been and I am a pretty emotional person with empathy for others. Maybe I got off track, i just thought this might help. i hope i didn't offend. Best wishes to you.

Nov 01, 2015 1:35 AM

You have that one problem that so many wish they have. I know of lots of spouses that never listen to their chronic pain loved one. Just ask him if he himself would research what everyone tells him about. Give the excuse you don't want to get your hopes up again just to have another thing fail.

Nov 01, 2015 1:17 AM

I understand the frustration of hearing about those hair brained ideas that are on the Internet, in magazines etc etc. My mom does it to me all the time. I am glad that she has backed off and now just gives me the magazine with article in it. She still mentions some things that's she has read and I just smile and nod and think to myself, good God i wish you understood that it isn't all the same for everyone. But I know she does it out of love.

I can't even get the significant other to read an article that is three or four paragraphs long. I always knew that the right one would do his own research and be actively involved in my healing process. This one can't even touch me when I'm in the hospital much less look at me. So he sticks his head in the sand and just waits for it get better. Bwahahaa. Now he doesn't really say anything about anything to me anymore so there's that. (don't worry, I think the proverbial dung has hit the fan..... Just waiting for him to come charging in and screaming at me to get the [insert expletives here ] out. And then I'll calmly ask him to leave for a while so I can gather my things without feeling like I'm being watched over... Anyway so so off subject! Ahhh sorry I do that all the time.

Now that I'm not hijacking your post.
Let it flow in one ear and the other. And as someone said, two him you really appreciate his help and eagerness to find ways to fix it, you'll look into it and discuss it with your doctor.

I would hate for him to feel like you don't appreciate his input. Maybe you could help point him to some of the reputable websites about your illness? Somehow without offending him?

I don't know the right answer except you're blessed to have a significant other who Wants to help you. (but from experience with my mom sometimes I have to withhold my eyeballs from rolling in my head because i know how much she loves me and how much it pains her to see me ill and feel helpless or that she's failed in someway because she can't fix me.

Perhaps your significant other feels similarly?

Nov 02, 2015 12:16 AM

Thank you all for your input.

I guess what is the most frustrating is that he falls for all the scams out there and passes them on to me. If any of them had any facts behind them or as i said someone referring to themselves as a practioner when they studied utube classes or a workbook maybe I wouldn't feel as frustrated.

He has come to my doctor's appointments and has heard the explanations and there isn't any quick fix, or in most cases any fix.

He does understand the listen and let me vent, cry or whatever without trying to fix it, only took about 6 or so years for that one.

I do appreciate him as he is for the most part now. He wasn't always a believer and our path together has had a lot of issues including me standing behind him and supporting him in his health issues while putting mine on the back burner and him walking out on me because of mine. I will save you all the nasty details but believe me I don't think there is anything he hasn't put me through.

Maybe him and I shouldn't be together and just don't know how to walk away forever. I guess that is a whole 'nuther topic though.

Nov 02, 2015 7:38 AM

Oh Shammagren, my heart aches for you. I think my hubby is like that sometimes too; believing berthing he reads or hears. He seems so gullible, which is out of character to everything else about him. But I think it's because he just wants me back whole and healthy, like I use to be. I don't think he's grieved the loss, but I have. To grieve what you've lost you have to accept it first. I hunk he's not wanting to accept it, not yet.

Maybe that's what's happening with yours. Maybe it's harder for him to accept you won't improve, because 1) he did and 2) he's not ready to accept and grieve. I'm sending you (((hugs)))! And I'll pray that he (& mine) will finally accept our limitations won't change, so we can move forward together! 🙏🌼

Nov 02, 2015 7:47 AM

You came here to vent and we gave you a different way of thinking. That is what we do sometimes but I see from your last post, you are not needing that. You are needing listening and understandin mixed with suggestions. You didn't come in here to find ways to break up your marriage but to find ways to save it. i for one am sorry. I was just trying to offer a different perspective.

Don't get me wrong, I would be very frustrated with every hairbrain idea coming home and I would probably be not so kind to explain how stupid they are because my major flaw is that I am sarcastic. jMostly nice sarcastic but when I get mad it carries over. I don't know about you but some of these ideas are really dumb and undermind your intelligence if someone thinks you would follow it.

My suggestion is to sit your husband down and tell him that you really don't want your medical problems discussed with family and friends so that they don't offer these suggestions. That you want to be in charge of your medical care. That you may choose to take the doctors advice or you know how to do your own research on the latest care for your disease. Tell him that you appreciate what he does and that he wants to help but that this important enough to you that you already keep on top of it. and some of these suggestions undermind your intelligence and that you don't really appreciate them.

Maybe that sounds harsh but somethimes brutal honesty is called for. My best wishes for you

Nov 03, 2015 8:11 AM

Shammagren, I'm thinking about you and have prayed for you and your husband. As long as there is love, respect for each other, and open communication, you both can get through this together. I'd it hard to just talk with him? Maybe try sitting where there is no interruptions (TV, radio, phones, etc), and express to him what you've said to us. Let him know you appreciate his thoughtfulness, but you've accepted there is no easy or fast or magic cure for your issues. Let him know he was blessed to be able to regain his body functions, but what you, and all of us, have I'd not going to just disappear. Let him know that though you appreciate his wanting to find a cure, if there was a true cure your doctors would know about it. Tell him you need him to just listen and be supportive, and if he hears of a bona fide medically proven treatment you will gladly discussed it with your doctors. I truly hope and pray that you and he can communicate. (((Hugs))) 🙏🌼

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