I'm so tired. I just don't want to do any if this anymore. I have been taking benadryl during the day so I can sleep all day and my pills at night so I can sleep then too. If I just sleep until the end, that's not suicidal, it's just sleep. I even dream in pain. I just want things to go back the way they used to be. How can I keep "thinking positive" when this never ends. Any suggestion?
I have thought a lot about this very subject. There are hours, days and even months when my pain is so severe that opting out feels like a good solution. I'm willing to bet that most of the people here have been where you are.
For me it helps to remember that this isn't all about me. The people in my life have all learned and grown from knowing me and from being there for me throughout this journey. It feels selfish to me to think of robbing another person of the opportunity to grow. Of course, this means I must be open with my pain and graceful in accepting help.
I also had to redefine my sense of self worth and what my core identity is. I used to base my worth on my abilities. My ability to create, to serve, to do. When I lost my abilities, I realized I had lost myself. It took some serious soul searching and reflection and prayer to get to a place where I can accept that I have worth just because I am here.
That being said, I have also made a conscious effort to bring value and meaning to my life. Instead of wishing for a better 'Quality of Life', I have tried to live a Quality Life. I do that by really listening to people, by always encouraging others and building other people up. I can't do a lot for my family, but I can be that voice in their heads that says, "Yes, you can! Never give up! You can do it! Everything's going to be ok." In this way I can give back and my focus isn't always on myself. When I spend time focusing on how much the pain journey stinks, I sink into darkness. I'd rather have light, so I fight for it.
Hang in there. I know this is a difficult road, but it's your road. You get to pave it with whatever you choose. Make the hard choice and pave it with happiness and service.
I can't give you an answer for you. I can only give you the answer that worked for me. Even two weeks ago when I came closer then I've ever come by sinking into total despair at the thought of even living another ten years in this kind of unrelenting agony. I've lived here daily for over 24 years now and on and off for 46 of my 55 years so pain is no real stranger, but I'd had the first migraine and cluster headache free day in 15 years awhile back. Mind I still have fibro, arthritis, CFS, immune conditions, syncope, blah, blah... but I could THINK and enjoy the AIR and SUNLIGHT. And then I was told that treatment would no longer be available. It caused a depressive spiral like I have never had before, even with serotonin reuptake. It ... was bad. My daughter happened to call me that afternoon. It reminded me that it was not only my future I was affecting. If I couldn't find the strength to hold on for me, I needed tp find it for her, you see, she and my son have inherited many of my genetic illnesses and already dread living my life and dealing with the pain I have faced on a daily basis since they were small. If I give up, I'm afraid they will too. So as a mother I'm reminded again, I can NEVER give up.
Fatigued Fighter - you said everything I have on my heart but didn't know how to express.
I have been fighting this fight since I was 12. If my math is right that has been 46 years and counting. There have been many times when I felt giving up was the only option... But always I discovered that I wasn't near the end of the road but still on the path of discovery.
If I can take time each day to make even one person's day better it helps me too. It may be just sharing a kind word. Or just a smile.. Something simple. And I try to find at least 30 minutes a day to devote to me. Either just listening to music, reading a book, sewing or just sitting in my car parked out in the country while soaking in the peace being there gives me. I also had to acknowledge that my loved ones aren't going to understand this journey I am on - and that's OK. Finding friends in places like this really does help. You can vent, you can share a laugh or share what has helped you. It really is vital to have such a community like this. (Am so sorry I haven't been here as much)
This is a place I imagine a lot of of people here visit frequently. I marvel at the fact that I've made it this far without giving up totally. I hope you find a reason to keep going. Family, friends, pets, hobbies... I find that volunteering helps me put things in perspective sometimes. Seeing people who are worse off than I am reminds me to be grateful and to find a reason to hang on a little longer.
Fatigued Fighter, you said all, I to have thought about giving up, but if I did that then who would raise my babies (teenagers), it's my job as a Mom to love and care and show my kids the right direction and to raise them to respect people, it's also my job to show my kids that no matter how hard it is and no matter how much pain I'm in that pushing forward and never give up and that they can to. I keep reminding myself that I want to see them graduate and get married and I one day want to be the best grandmother I can be. Praying for you and that you can find peace in this pain.
Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate it. Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. For some reason I avoid things like public posts or conversations for days until I finally feel like I can answer. It's weird and I wonder if I'm alone in this sort of thing. Like I'll leave messages on my messenger and won't even look at them so no one knows I'm there, until I can finally get on and talk for a few minutes and then I run away again. I wait to answer texts until I'm sure the person is busy so they won't answer and I don't have to converse. Why do I do that? It's so weird.
I think it's all part of getting tied up in the pain. I hate being seen out in public when I'm in pain and somehow avoid social media for the same reason. Think of the way a turtle or snail will retreat into their shells when things get rough 😁
Nixie, I think you have it right. When I'm in enough pain, all I want to is crawl in a cave & be left alone. And anyone that "pushes my buttons" when I'm feeling like that, in in danger of getting their "heads bitten off".
FatiguedFighter brilliantly stated! I have been suffering from chronic pain since I was 11-12 years old. That's about 51 years Ago. also Have OA, AS, DDD, Psoriatic Arthritis, 5 spine surgeries, past hx of depression etc etc etc. Suffered from many life altering situations deaths, divorce, loss of child , sisters, parents. Alicante honestly say is you can't allow yourself to remain in that negative mindset for long times. It's not good for you. Don't get me wrong suffering from chronic pain s---s!😥 Many sad experiences in life s---s!😤 People are always saying, " why me?" What we should really be saying is "why not me." What makes me so darn special that I should not suffer in life. Are we saying it's ok if someone else suffers just not me.? Life is indeed unfair at times and painful in many ways. We can choose to wallow continuously input self pity or pick ourselves up and choose to be grateful for the many blessings in our lives instead of focusing on our loss. Don't get me wrong we ALL have a right to become upset and down at times it's the nature of the pain beast. Don't give into it! Brush yourself off and get back up and refuse to give in. You said you have a beautiful son. I have two. Focus on the positive things in your life when you find your beast getting the best of you. Fight it with ❤️ love ...of yourself, for your son , and love of others in your life. We are all pain warriors on this site. We all have to continuously fight each and every day in our life. We fail at times but know there are others who have failed at times to and help pick each other up. Keep on fighting life is worth it and your son thinks your worth it!❤️
I don't know if anyone can really answer that exactly but I am awfully close! I got a call before new doc appt telling me to expect another ban letter! WTH! I want help legally...doing anything otherwise is admitting I am doing something wrong... I refused urine test due to not wanting to be charged another $560 for privilege but it just says I refused! I went to ERs numerous times (not back to back but close) I begged for CT scan (Mass oon Kidney shows up--No doc has told me) but I'm the bad guy here...It was suggested I ask my podiatrist for drugs (😳 seriously) I ask what am I to do when I get sever migraine..oh we have a walkin..again thats an 80 mile drive and they can't give anything to knock it out without a driver..if I can get someone to drive 4hrs to get to me!
Oh, I made a flippant remark about running into a tree so you can "see" my pain...they decided I was suicidal and having me lined up for psychiatric visits...yeah, they dropped me before I could see psychiatrist!
So give up!? Sure seems like that is my last option! I thought I was strong enough, My brother beat me often enough if I quit a losing game (he was winning no need to continue) but a part says: WHY? Why be diplomatic or respect doctors, or hold your opinions, don't offend...WHY? But people have no problem saying nasties to me, proverbial kick me when I'm down..don't seem to bother them...so why should I kill myself trying to get help? If I wanted a high, I'd go on the street!
So I want to give up, quit and say screw it all! I can't keep going.. What is the point? To prove I can take it?
I don't have the answer to that, I don't know how we all do it when we're in so much pain, But just remember how much your family and your son loves you and you wouldn't want them to have the pain of you not being here. Have you gone to the doctors to see wether they can give you some stronger pain killers to see wether they can ease your pain? I will be thinking of you 💕
*hugs* it's so infuriating. If they can't see the pain, it must not be there. I feel for you. I wish you could make them feel your pain. I got lucky and have 2 Dr. who are in pain also and it really makes a difference, but other than making all of them go through something catistrofic, I don't think most of them will understand. I understand, wish there was something I could do to help, all I can do is be here for you.
@ PhenixRising. I can't read your picture 😐 but that's okay. 🤗 We all understand where you are coming from. I too fell this way time to time. But you can get through this with our support. We are all here for you and we all care.
Pm anytime . I am sorry I don't have the answer either . But I do like suggestions ppl made to help you get through your days .
((Gentle hugs)) sending preyers your way. Remember we do care and will help the best we can. Don't give up . Stay strong.
Well I guess your positive thinking from me is what I keep saying . People cares about you and want to help . 🤗🤗🤗🤗