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I am alone.

Jun 02, 2016 12:34 AM

Since I dropped out of high school I have lost every single friend.
Every single one.
I have a pretty successful tumblr blog. But anytime time I tried making friends on there after a day or 2 we eventually just stop talking.
The last time I actually hung out with someone was more than a year ago.
I know that its partially my fault that I can't make friends because I'm horribly shy and like every other teenage girl out there I assume everyone thinks I'm annoying. But you would think by now at least some one would have stuck around, right?
Now that my illness has taken quite a toll on my body I feel even more "shy" or whatever.
I can't even bring myself to message some one first anymore because there would be questions about my health immeditly (because I have a tube sticking out of my fucking nose) there's even been times where some one legit will just message me just to ask what the tube is for. Which then makes my confidence in making friends 10 thousand times worse.
Sure I could go "try" to go talk to some old friends from high school. But there's litterally nothing in common any more.

I should be graduating this year...but I'm not.
Prom was last weekend. I never wanted to go, but seeing all my old friends having the time of their life's just hurts. They all have cars now, all have jobs, they are all getting ready to go to college.
And I can't do any of those things.

I know I have all of you. And I am SOOOO grateful for all of you. But sometimes I just wish I had some one to come over or go out with sometimes...

I have no one...I sit at home...day after day....Doing nothing but watching TV, sleeping, or crying from pain. And when I'm not home I'm at the doctors getting nothing but bad news. I just seem to be getting sicker and sicker no matter what they do. My fevers never go lower than 101 f°, insurance declings everything, I am fainting from the fevers, blacking out from pain, I constantly have a migraine, I broke a toe because I fell and accidentally stepped on my foot which caused the bone to break because they are so brittle, my wrists pop out of place so often I have to wear wrist braces constantly.

Everything is getting worse and there's nothing I can do about it.

I feel like that guy from sponge bob. Remember

"I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs and every night I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep."

Who knew sponge bob would be so relateable to a 19 hear old girl.

Jun 02, 2016 1:15 AM

BlazedKitty, I feel for you. It's a difficult life stage as well as severely difficult health stage. You are stronger than your age, and your peers, you know that, right? Big hug.

Jun 02, 2016 2:58 AM

Blazedkitty, I am so sorry you are going through the things that you are. Friends are hard to find when you are sick....it really shows who your true friends are. Try to not let your medical issues get the best of you.....you get the best of it! I don't know if you believe in prayer, if so do it bodly. Meditate, think of the things that make you feel slightly better, and do those things. I know you said mostly all you do is watch TV, make sure to watch things that make you laugh. (I watch a lot of cartoons). Pick up a hobby that you can toletate and do. It may sound crazy, but Im a nurse, & a lot of patients are turning to coliring books...its very soothing & relaxing. When you go to the Dr. Treat yourself to something you like (your favorite food, movies, etc.) I truly understand about getting bad news, I'm going through that myself, but just remember, it could always be worst. Maybe you could start a support group for people in similar situations in person or via email, its a good way to meet people. Hope you feel better. We , your friends, are always here for you. Take care.

Jun 02, 2016 6:28 AM

Blazedkitty, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. You've been through so very much at such a young age. You're a lovely young lady and have a beautiful face, heart and spirit. I know that chatting isn't the same as being in the same room but know if you want to and if you're ever lonely, I'll be here and if I were closer, I'd be happy to come over and sit with you. We could turn on the tv and fall asleep.. LOL!! (I'm not making fun, just trying to lighten your mood). We are ALL here pulling for you and praying for you. I remember back in the Stone Age when it was time for my prom. They paid some guy to ask me and then made fun of me and laughed because it was all a big joke. (All this because I was overweight and had no friends). I remember prom night watching all the limos going in and out of my block picking up my classmates all dressed to the nines and happy. I sat in my front window and cried. I know what you're going through, believe me. Try to hang on to the memory of going to that event where you met the Property Brothers, Drew and Jonathan!!! You were so happy and the pictures were awesome and you were so happy with your outfit and your makeup, etc.. Sending you gentle {{{Hugs}}} and prayers that your guardian angel wraps her wings around you and soothes your soul. 💕🙏🏻🌻😊

Jun 02, 2016 8:36 AM

I pray things get better for you! I couldn't imagine going through this at your age. We are all here for you.

Jun 02, 2016 10:31 AM

Hey baby girl u are not alone as long as we are here you will always have someone to speak to and to care for you.

Jun 02, 2016 10:18 PM

Dear Kitten, I am so sorry this is happening or not happening for you! Sometimes the going is worse than the not going. I was like you back then, so super shy, a bibliophile honor student who sat in a carrel every lunch hour and studied. When prom time came no one asked me either junior or senior year. I went with my oldest brother. Everyone stared and talked behind their hands, but me being stubborn I totally ignored them, shut 'em out. We danced and had a good time.
That is very good advice from Kevmar, you could reach out to others in a similar position as are you. If you can get out for a bit you could sign up for a class maybe, as you could leave if you need to, something that interests you. I know when I am going to get worse theses days & try to have my ducks in a row to care for myself and know when to get up and leave. I wish you better times ahead. 💕

Jun 03, 2016 2:13 PM

I just got to reading all your comments thank you all for your support.
Insanitylooms I'm in Ohio
And silvrrry of I could sign up for a class I would...I love learning but in my situation I can't be away from my mother for more than an hour at most becaus I have a feeding tube that needs flushes every hour to keep me hydrated and then there's the no energy part. Right now I can hardly move my left arm nevaud of pain and exhaustion. Plus..I dropped out of high school and dont even have a GED so to do classes of have to enroll back into the high school that caused most of my mental health issusss..plus seeing people who abanded me is just too hard. I can't even go get my GED because I'd have to be driven 2 hours away then spend 6 hours doing the tests and hope that. I can concentrate enough to pass the tests because of I dont of have to pay double the amount I would pay to take the first tests. Idk. My health just gives me no options to do anything. And in top of all the things going on I for a call from my doctor today. Apparently I have developed edema in both legs and then that turned into Pulmonary edema so I'll be getting oxygen therapy or whatever to help fix it along with down meds. So starting Monday I'll be hooked to an oxygen tank so Thats just another tube hooked up to me...I just feel like my body is giving up on me. Eventually my body will just give up and stop working completely or I fear I'll just end up not being able handle it all and I'll cause my body to stop working....

Jun 03, 2016 4:17 PM

Oh geez Blazedkitty, I feel foolish that I suggested these outings when you are so shut in. What you need is for us to come over for a pain party!! What about that high school they advertise on tv. I think it is called Khan?? It is free, or at least it used to be. I wish for you to find something that truly interests you to rest In. It would distract the little voice in yr brain that feeds the fear. If you draw, we could exchange drawings through email. You make me realize how many people are so much worse off than I. Today is very hot here. I decided to cut some stuff back in my garden. First I fell into the wood fence & smacked my head and then flat on my face & ate dirt. I never know when to stop& protect from injury. So now my head hurts and both knees along with all those usual stuff. Aaaarrrgh

Jun 04, 2016 2:03 PM

Silvrrry no need to feel foolish. You didn't know. Its totally okay. What matters is that you are trying to help.
I'll look up that Khan thing. I've never heard of it before.
I lo e drawing and painting. Mostly acrylic but I lo e watercolor a lot too. I would love to exchange drawings. I love getting critiques.
I'm so sorry about yoire gardening incident. But hopefully You will feel better soon. I would totally love to garden but I can only keep a cactus alive. Which is why I have 3 of them lol.

Jun 04, 2016 2:51 PM

I only know you from your posts here but I like you. I look for your posts and check to see if I can offer encouragement, whether you're okay, what's happening for you. And I think many others do the same.
I know you have a health situation that few can appreciate. I just want you to always feel the care and support of the real people behind these screen names. Surely none of us would be mistaken for "normal" for long.
Every time someone shares a feeling, a funny, a DX, etc, I laugh and cry and hope with all here.
My email is sthart333@gmail. You can pm me any time. It would be an honor to call you friend.

Jun 06, 2016 7:01 PM

Blazedkitty, sorry not to follow up for a while, my usual App freeze. My email cherchm@canby.com. Have a less painful day is my wish for u.😊

Jun 06, 2016 7:58 PM

Blazedkitty, I'm so sorry to hear of these additional health issues. You have been through so much and stayed so strong through it all. Unfortunately for all of us, we have very little in common to those who cannot understand chronic illnesses. Becoming homebound does make for isolation and loneliness, and it's hard to learn how to cope with it all. But you are not alone. I think many of us can understand what you're feeling. It breaks my heart to know you and all the other young people here are suffering so, physically & emotionally. I know we aren't the same as face to face huggable friends, but you have many new friends here. As for your GED my sister was doing her's online, but I'm not sure what the site was. She didn't finish due to declining health, and now with her stroke she likely won't. But you should check into it. Enjoy hobbies when you can. And let yourself cry if you need to. Live and enjoy what you can whenever you can. Rest when you can't. I'm sending lots of (((hugs))) and praying for you! 🙂💕🙏🌼

Jun 17, 2016 7:49 PM

Awww, u making feel like am a selfish person moaning about my pains. But i c ur pains r worse than mine. I really feel for you. All i can advise you is when people ask questions, try to answer them, open up to them n u'll c u'll feel better. I used to hate tlaking about my illness too b4 but nw i jst answer either in full details or the basic depending on my mood. Sum will understand, sum wont. Talkin bout stayin home doin nothing, bored as hell and feelin lonely, i think every person with an illness get those feelings. I knw that ur young which makes it very difficult to cope with. U shld concentrate on ur health, b close to ur family and try to do things that make u happy. B arpund people who care about u. Gud luck darling.

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