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I feel like he doesn't care

Sep 28, 2016 5:02 PM

I have had chronic pain for most of my life however I was just recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia after a "mini stroke" (I'm 28). I am a stay at home mother however it is a decision my husband and I both came to. I am currently having a particularly bad flare and as usual my husband refuses to take even just the day off. He recently started a new job which I understand yet this is not the first flare or first let down. No one in my life seems to care that I have fibro (or even believe in it for that matter) therefore he especially treats me as if my flares are a burden and the chronic pain is an exaggeration. I am left to try and care for an 8 yr old and a 15 month old, run the errands, cook supper, do laundry, straighten up all while in the middlflare. Today has been a particularly bad day I suppose due to the season change and despite my husband being fully aware that stress worsens the symptoms, it has been the usual fight all day of how "he can't just leave work every time I don't feel good". My flare has been active now for almost 24 hrs and between the pain and the stress I feel so helpless and alone. I am beyond exhausted and am having trouble simply moving from room to room. It's very difficult to not lose hope right this moment.

Sep 28, 2016 5:14 PM

I am sorry you are in pain and so stressful out. It can be Frustrating when you feel like no one understands or cares. You know how you feel and

Sep 28, 2016 5:16 PM

Sorry for the cut message. Any how stay strong and try to keep in mind this to shall pass.

Sep 28, 2016 5:57 PM

Wow I am so much pain right now myself! Just hooked myself up to my tens unit! Had a migraine first one in 2months plus all this neck and back pain! Do you have a tens unit? Do you have any pain meds? Please talk to your dr! You have to get some kind of control! Is anyone like family around to help you with the kiddos? It is hard to take off of work when you just started a new job! Even if he wanted to do FMLA I think you have to be there a while! Tens unit is making me feel better but I am not sure if I have fibro! Have to talk with Dr too! Sending prayers for you to feel better.

Sep 28, 2016 6:02 PM

I do have one actually and I take medicine but so far it hasn't seemed to do anything. Im originally not from this state and am 2 hrs away from all of my family. Unfortunately, they act pretty much the same way and I don't get along with his family. It is difficult to take off work and I understand that...but there have been times he has said he couldn't and then told me later on that he actually just didn't want to ask. Idk I'm pretty good at reading tone and if nothing else just to hear in someone's voice that they care can mean the world. I'm so sorry you are in pain as well...it is all consuming. I sincerely hope that you are in a position where you can relax and deal relatively stress free. I appreciate the prayers as well...sometimes the pain makes it seem like that's the only thing that will help.

Sep 28, 2016 6:25 PM

Country -
Am so sorry. I wish I had an answer for you. Its really a struggle when you are trying to juggle so many balls. I hope your tomorrow is better..

Sep 28, 2016 6:28 PM

Thank you Mimikay...from the bottom of my heart. Just to know there are people willing to take time out of there day to give their encouragement means more than I can say. <3

Sep 28, 2016 6:32 PM

Am sure one day you will be in a position to offer encouragement too. Its the great thing about this group. We help when we can and in return others help us when we can't. Hang in there.

Sep 29, 2016 11:52 AM

Countrybaby, I am so sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I've been out of work since 2010 from AOL my chronic pain issues following surgery. My hubby (35 yr) was not supportive until he went to an appt with me, and heard from the doctor how badly fibro and sjogrens will affect my body. He has since become my biggest advocate and helps out so much more than ever. Thankfully i don't have young children to care for now. But some of my chronic pain issues started when my 1 1/2 the old. I had to teach her to climb into my lap because I couldn't lift her. When she napped i also napped. And I broke up activities/chores with rest periods then, much as I do now. Try and prioritize and do what's essential first, so if something is left undone you won't feel so bad. Hugs love and prayers you can find ways to cope through your pain! 🙂💕🙏🌸

Sep 29, 2016 12:28 PM

Countrybaby I'm sorry your in pain. Try soaking in an Epsom salt bath. It never full takes away the pain but it helps. Hopefully your 8 year old goes to school and 15 mth naps if so nap at the same time. Screw cleaning, laundry and errands today. They'll be there tomorrow. My husband didn't understand till he started working from home. Now if something has to wait till another day he keeps his mouth shut or does it himself.
On one of your good days put together freezer meals and then on bad flare days take out that life saving crockpot! Pinterest has a lot of recipes for that. Do the season change tomorrow. Hopefully your husband will catch on! Mine did! I NEVER thought it would happen, but it did. Also husbands like to fix it if it's not something they can't see they can't fix it. So it's not real. He also learned 90% of the time he let's me have one day of laying in bed or on the couch and usually I'll only need one day! I really hope it gets better for you! {hugs}

Sep 29, 2016 12:52 PM

I have fibro, am an at home mom, and have 2 young kids and 2 teens. I can completely relate to how overwhelmed you're feeling. It can really suck. My husband and I have had our share of adjustment difficulties since my health started being so unreliable. If I may, I'll share a few things I've learned along the way.

First, I'm not the only one going through this. My chronic pain impacts my husband and children just as much as it impacts me. Sure, I'm the one in pain, but we share this life and fibro has turned ALL of us upside down.

Second, a little gratitude and appreciation goes a long way. Be sure you are going out of your way to thank your husband for all he does. Let him know how much you love sharing the little moments with your children. Thank him for going to work every day. I promise you, go a few days showering him with praise while keeping criticism to yourself, and his attitude about stopping for milk on the way home will change.

Third, create a routine and stay on top of it. Assign your kids chores and make sure they do them. Figure out your hardest job and break it down in a way that makes it manageable for you. For me, it's the laundry. I am a hard ass about doing laundry twice a week. Every Monday and Thursday come hell or high fibro. I can manage it if there aren't more than two loads. Three I can do on a really good day. My teens do their own on any other day. All other tasks - including errands - are scheduled around the laundry. It's also a big deal to my husband if he doesn't have clean work clothes. He really hates that. His preferences definitely factored into my transformation into the laundry nazi.

Finally, and this is a big one, let Go of everything non-essential. Get off of every school and church committee. Take everything you don't need to the thrift store. Clothes your family doesn't wear, old toys, extra pans and pillows. All of it. The less you own, the less you have to maintain. The fewer obligations you have, the better care you can take of yourself. When you're in a high flare, give yourself permission to rest. It's ok if the floor isn't mopped today. Its ok if the kids eat peanut butter for lunch five days in a row. They'll be fine. Life can be beautiful and messy and imperfect all at the same time. You'll find your way. Things are going to be ok. Hang in there.

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