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I feel so worthless

Jun 12, 2015 1:43 AM

I try and stay positive and think of all the things I did or can accomplish but when everything starts pilling up I feel like I am drowning in failure. I'm not a person I'm a bed warmer if some one in my family need a cuddle. It hurts every time I try and fight the pain clean my house be a mom. I loose to the pain I feel just worthless

Jun 12, 2015 2:02 AM

I hate that I can't function with out narcotics and I barley function with them. I grew up surrounded by drug addicts I hated it the filth of it now I maybe escaping physical pain instead of emotional pain. Does the fact that I can't get anything done with out popping a dilated make me any better than my junkie mom who was running from the pain of her life. But she went to therapy and healed and I fucking can't and I am tired of being shit. No one understands they just want me plaster on a smile.

Jun 12, 2015 2:37 AM

I know a lot of people try to stay positive, but there are times when that just isn't realistic.
Maybe now is one of them?
I'm amazed that you can be direct about feeling worthless, it took me a long time to tell the people I love anything about feelings.

It's hard to do, but have you tried just letting the pain come sometimes, and just know is not your fault.
I go to an arts school, and this year I've felt like I was betraying a community of people who I enjoy being around because I couldn't do the arts part.

I got told "if you need something that strong, you need to go home" about Tylenol 3 (a narcotic) and the school district doesn't care if I need it to stop sobbing with pain.
I can only imagine you're going through something similar, but entirely different.

I remember hiding outside the house when my family was visiting for a holiday, and wondering what addiction really meant.

I have 5 cousins, and I'm supposed to be some sort of role model so I didn't want them to see my pills and various medications.

Physical and emotional pain are kind of similar, but if you can't even function without pills, then it should be thought of in the same way as some people think of food and water.
It's just something you need to live.

I'm glad your mom eventually healed, but if you can't then maybe just keep trying new things.
It took a ton of experimenting before I could do anything about the pain.

I can't say I understand what you're going through (I'm not you) but I do know what it is like to be shut out, called "high" on an pain day without meds, then being told you should smile.
It sucks.
Can your family help you?

Just some things to consider trying. ... (spices/teas) ginger, Tumeric, lemon balm, (stuff to look up) LDN, DMSO, Gallium, Iodine, possibly staying away from things with Tylenol,

Things are going to be tough, but I hope it can get better!

Jun 12, 2015 8:17 AM

Well first off Welcome and I do understand what it's like to feel useless and to be called hurtful thinks by ppl who don't understand what I'm going thu to be called high all the time even if I didn't have a thing or pill to take to not be able to get my work done that my wife does when's she home because I was the bread winner I was used to doing everything and now I can't hardly do is take out the trash and it takes me about ten mins to do that but I keep trying it takes me most of the day to try and do what take my wife to do in less than a hour but I had to start to take her to my Drs appt to pt and then she started to see what I was going Thu .now she understand if I don't do a thing . I live everyday ever hour with my injury and one good thing is that we found this site and you can speak what on your mind here and we're not Drs and we hear what you have to say we're always here for you and we all have chronic pains. And I'm sorry your in pain and that I carried on there a big family here and I'm prying for you

Jun 12, 2015 9:43 AM

IHopemomma, I'm so sorry for the physical and emotional pain you are suffering. Unless someone has traveled the road of chronic pain and illnesses they can't understand what all we go through daily. Like you, I was surrounded by adjuncts within my family. I was the youngest, and as hard as it is/was, I fight daily not to become like they were. Addiction destroyed three families. And there are times when my husband of 33 years begins to criticize the number of meds I have or the doctors I go to. Like Eddieray, I started taking my hubby with me and he began to understand I have real limitations. It's taken much longer for various family members to comprehend it, especially my granddaughter. But she now understands better than many of the adults, just from spending days with us. She's watched my health deteriorate, and she's quick to offer help or solutions to make things easier for me. Opening up to let others see or hear your needs and issues might help them understand better. Someone on this community told me about the "spoon theory" and I looked it up. After reading it I shared it with family. It was written by someone with Lupus, which I don't have. But it's a great example of anyone chronic pain and fatigue issues. Maybe it would help you inform others.

Because of so many medication allergies I am very limited on what pain meds I can take. Because of this I've developed a high pain tolerance which is beneficial with my med allergies. Everyone is different in regards to pain tolerance levels and meds reactions & needs. Your needs for the medicine does not make you an addict. All of us are dependent on our meds to lower our pain to a level of functioning, but none of us are addicts! Only those without experience of chronic pain would us so. You should not feel guilty or worthless because they can't or don't want to understand.

In order to do things like cleaning my house, I split things up. I do 1-2 chores every day or two. Sometimes I tackle one room a week. If I didn't do it by splitting up chores I'd be bedridden 2-3 days after. I've learned to read my body signals and have adapted my abilities to my tolerance. Occasionally I forget or stubbornly refuse to stop when my body alerts it's had enough, and I pay for it with increase pain and longer recuperation. Maybe you could start slowly and break up chores, leaving the most difficult for family members to help with. Because of my unconditioned body it took me months to develop a pattern to my chores. And my hubby does the things m my doctor m to do (mop & vacuum vacuum & cleaning tubs).

Please know your pain & meds needs do not make you worthless. They make you handicapped, like the rest of us. I'll be praying for you. We are all here for you, and we truly understand. 🙏🌼

Jun 12, 2015 9:49 AM

Adjunct = addicts

*those without..would label us so

Hubby does the things my doctor for forbid me to do

Jun 12, 2015 2:51 PM

IHopemomma, you are a person and a very brave one! It sounds like you had to endure a lot during your childhood. Yet you did not become an addict. You can be very proud of yourself. I admire you. Don't compare yourself to your mom. You are in a completely different situation. You are not the only pain patient struggling with addiction to painkillers. Nobody can blame you. I have been there.

Are you seeing a good doctor who you trust and who you feel understands your situation and does not judge you. If not, try to find one. Ask friends if they can recommend anybody. I hit rock bottom just like you and that's where it started to get better (well not immediately). My pain specialist sent me to a psychologist who's specialized on patients suffering from chronic pain. At first, I was very hesitant and thought it might be about me being crazy. But now I know that you need some professional coach or mentor to guide and accompany you out of the pit. Chronic pain is probably one of the worst things that can happen to you. It is torture. And the perfidious thing about it is that others don't see that you are being tortured. My therapist helped me to get my life back step by step. Try to see somebody.

Many virtual hugs which I hope don't hurt.

Jun 12, 2015 9:13 PM

I hope momma, I have been on pain medicine for 11 years so far and it still helps me but not as much. But there are times during the year that I will feel better and I reduce my pain medicine a lot. I think I do this just to prove to myself that I am not an addict. But when I am in bad pain and I need it, I am using it with no negative thoughts. My son was in an accident one time. I will keep a little pill bag sometimes in the car. It will have two oxycodone, six methadone, sixteen ibuprofen, two Xanax, 10 Tylenol, and that about covers it. I do that just in case we get stuck somewhere or we meet someone and they want to spend some extra time with us. The pain won't get me. My son told the cop it was there. The cop would never had looked. But the cop told my son that I was an addict. The cop called me and asked me why I took these medicines. I explained to him I am on disability. That I had had an accident. He even said to me that I was an addict. I wanted so bad to tell him off but I figured he would really charge my son worse. It is bad that people make us feel bad like when we go to the pharmacy or when I go to another doctor and they say you are on a lot of medicines. I hate that.

But one doctor really helped me appreciate when you know you are an addict or not. He said ask yourself why are you taking your pain pills. Are you taking then because the pain s getting bad or is it because your body is craving for the pill. With that you have to be careful too. I am suppose to take 15 mg of methadone every eight hours and fifteen mg of oxycodone every six hours. Now if I am feeling pretty good, I may not take a pain pill for twelve to eighteen hours. But then my body is dependent on it so I have to take like at least five mg of each to keep something in my system every eight to ten hours. That is for me. Someone else might require more. But asking ourself that question can reassure us on how we are. But even then, if we are in pain, we may still need it. I wish you the best.

Jun 12, 2015 9:45 PM

You know IHope, if anybody had ever said to me that I'd be living this way within the last 2 years, I would have thought they were lying. I've gotten to be on both sides of the isle now. Before the accident, I was one who rarely had pain, and really looked down over my nose at other people. Now that I am the one who lives this way, I can truly say I understand what it is like. I completely hate living from one dose of medication to the next, even though at this point, I'm not currently on narcotics or any heavy duty pain meds. I hate having people tell me, "oh, it's all in your head". That does make me feel worthless and truth be told, you do start thinking that way after awhile. I don't have any words of wisdom for you other then to let you know that I do understand and care.

Jun 13, 2015 8:53 AM

IHopemomma, first let me just say I'm sorry you are feeling so low. What you are dealing with is very different than a junkie who is taking drugs to mask physical or emotional pain. You don't WANT or SEEK drugs, your body is in such pain that you can't do what you need to do without help. You are NOT shit, you are a human being who is suffering with debilitating pain. I know that before my pain got out of my control, I was never home. I got up and went to work, came home and then went out with friends. Sometimes I wouldn't get home until I had just enough time to shower and get to work. Now, I'm lucky if I go out once a week. This past week, my neighbors went away and I went over to the house every day to make sure that my 98 year old Godfather was ok and took his meds, ate, etc.. She came back from her trip yesterday and I didn't realize how much this week took out of me. Is spend 2-3 hours a day with him and I'm pretty beat. I get upset too because I'm 50 and he's 98 and he can do more than me!!! Sometimes I wonder, what the hell? Why? I being punished? Believe me, I get it. Hang in there, keep in touch with all of us and maybe find a psychologist that specializes in pain. If you don't already, find a pain management doctor. You're in my prayers. Good luck.

Jun 28, 2015 9:48 PM

I take Hydrocodone for pain and load up on chewable B12. Otherwise I would never get out of bed. That what it takes to maintain half my normal quality of life. Hard to even remember life before this crap !

Jun 28, 2015 10:15 PM

It's okay to be mad… And there's a difference between drug addiction and drug dependence.

I'm not going to say here and tell you that you have to be tough every day... Nor will I tell you it will get easier.

We got to take each day at a time... We have to enjoy the time there is no pain. And we have to thank God for all the good things in our lives…

That's what keeps me going anyway. I think it's also quite healthy just to vent.

I think having community to support you is key. Our friends and family can have empathy… but, most don't know how it feels. And that's okay... I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I pray that you have relief today, in mind, body and spirit.


Jun 28, 2015 10:31 PM

I know exactly how you feel. I cry a lot because there are days where the pain is so horrible that I can't get out of bed. My kids try to hug me and I have to hold back screaming in pain from their touch. My family has turned their back on me because they think I am just making it up. I feel like a failure as a mother. I wish I could just be normal and not have to depend on narcotics to just to function.

Jun 28, 2015 10:37 PM

None of us are failures or useless. We have been dealt this hand and it is to carry this burden of horrible pain for one reason or another. Only God knows why but we have to be happy for the times that the pain is bearable enough to do some of the things that we want to do even if we suffer for it later. I am forever grateful for this community family and all of the people who are willing to be here for others and try to support each other when we're down. Hang in there. you're not alone.

Jun 28, 2015 11:10 PM

I agree with Alwayz it's not an easy life but for some reason this is what I have to deal with. I Thank God that I am able to get out of bed everyday and do what I'm able to do. Some day's are rough but you have to push through.Sometimes I do stupid things and wind up in bed for a couple of days. But no one is a failure or worthless. God loves each and every one of us.

Jun 29, 2015 6:50 PM

Thanks Alwayz

Jun 29, 2015 7:11 PM

Any time, Weezie!!! we are all in this together, right??? We need to be able to reach out and know that we have each other to lean on, vent to and laugh with. I am really happy that you are one of the people that I have found to have a really good bond with along with FlappsyLady. You're both wonderful people and you both are always willing to step up and reach out to people who are feeling down and need a boost even though you are feeling miserable yourself. I find that always makes me feel better because it takes my focus off of myself and makes me feel good to be able to help someone else feel at least a little bit better if I can.

Jun 29, 2015 8:40 PM

Alwayz you and Flappsy were some of the first to reach out to me, and I think we really bonded. As our community has grown we have all seemed to come closer,and formed a family that cares about each other.

Jun 29, 2015 8:56 PM

Oops hit the wrong button. Lol I have problems typing on this phone. Always you and Flappsy are some of the most compassionate, and caring people that has really helped me thru the last 10 months with everything I have had to deal with and still dealing with. I think it's because we are sisters in Christ ,and I believe that makes us closer. Now I am not leaving any one else in our family out they are all compassionate and caring people who I think because we all have one thing in common chronic pain that we are able to close ranks and try and lift up each other and be there for one another during trying times .I have become close to a lot of you,and have come to care about you. I believe this is why we have such an awesome community, because no matter what goes on in our Iives we know we can come to our chronic pain family and some one will be there with just the right words to help us. Sending Love and lots of hugs

Jun 29, 2015 10:49 PM

Weezie, you have truly touched my heart. I, too, have formed very strong bonds with FlappsyLady and you and several other folks here. I agree that our common bonds and knowing that no matter what we are there for one another makes us an extraordinary group of people that I am privileged to belong to. Flappsy was the first to reach out to me when I came here as well. She is full of love and compassion and a much needed sense of humor. I always try to reach out to each new member and let them know that whatever they need in the way of support they will get here with no judgements and much understanding. I think that Flappsy hit the nail on the head in a post where she said the rest of the world should take notes on how to treat others as we do and the world would be so much nicer place to be in. Sending love and hugs right back to you, Weezie. I'm glad to call you my friend. 💕

Jun 30, 2015 9:21 PM

IHopemomma....i have fibro in my neck and spine along with spinal stenosis and buldging discs in my neck....i was previously just on hydro but my doctor just put me on neurotin twice a day....hydrocodone once a day along with chiropractor and tens unit...it seems to be working...have you tried any of these? I've been on it a day or so and so far it seems to be helping greatly...I can keep u postep if u want....iif u have already tried this then I will look and see what I can find to help u. I know what u r going through. We r a hinting family and our family vacations r hunting trips and I haven't been able to go the last 2 years....I'm hoping this will work for me so I can go this year. Good luck and keep me posted...

Jun 30, 2015 9:30 PM

I hope momma, I hope you are hanging on to all the strength and prayers given by everyone above. It doesn't make you weak or a failure because you are overwhelmed and need to cry. Crying is like the steam hole in a teakettle... If we don't cry now and then we might explode or implode. We're are all here for you!

Jun 30, 2015 9:55 PM

I hopmoma every now and then a good cry releases a lot of pain,hurt,fear and after the tempest has passed we feel so much better. It doesn't make you a weak person to cry. Know that you are not alone God is right beside you making his footsteps along side of yours.

Jul 06, 2015 4:48 AM

I agree, a good cry is a good pain and sorrow reliever. Even for men!

Jul 07, 2015 10:21 AM

I hate who I am today. I use to be active, I can't go on walks, cause it hurts. I can't ride a bike, cause it hurts. It just seems like everything requires all I've got, and lately it doesn't seem to be that much. I just want to sleep. I'm worthless

Jul 07, 2015 12:05 PM

Charlton, one thing you are NOT is useless!! You are suffering from a disease that causes debilitating pain and takes away the life that you were striving for. I know it's really hard when all the things you loved to do cause you pain and then you get depressed because it seems that there is nothing you can do about it. As hard as it is, keep your chin up, know that you're never alone and you have several people standing by here in this community that will stand by you, give you and ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on. There are no judgements here, we are all struggling to get through this life of pain and illness in the best way we know how. I know it seems that you're in a pit but I promise you, you're NOT worthless. I will keep you in my prayers.

Jul 07, 2015 12:10 PM

Charlton, have you heard the spoon theory, or love letters to the normals. People on here introduced me to them. Go to see.fmnetnews.com and search the "letters to the normals," and Google "spoon theory."

I'm very sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. Your description of what you liked doing but can't is exactly where I was and still am. I now I can't do everything I use to, but I'm learning to alter things to make it easier to still participate in fun things. I'm heading to the Jacksonville Mayo clinic soon, and as much as I use to look forward to walking the beaches, I dread being so close but not able to enjoy it like I did just five years ago. I may have to alter things but I will not go that close to the shore and sit in some hotel room day & night. If it hurts me then so be it... Doing nothing hurts too. I'll be praying for you, that you can find ways to still enjoy living and doing things. 🙏🌼

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