So people I'm laid on my bed at crying my eyes out. My pain is just through the roof. My pain meds are doing nothing to help. My mum has just called me to say that my grandmother who is dying from Cancer is really at deaths door. She can't eat or drink. Her fingers are blue and the doctor thinks that she has a blood clot in her leg but she has refused to go to hospital because she knows that she knows that they would keep her then transfer to the hospice which she doesn't want to do so my family have been nursing her at home.
Stress is really not good for my condition & this has just rocketed ny stress levels along with anxiety and grief even though she hasn't passed yet!
I told my partner after the call, no hugs no reassuring words just brings up the past of what happened between me and her (we had a major fall out but we made up when she was told that she was terminal )
I now realise that the reason that I'm on such a high level of opiods isn't just to do with the pain, it's been to block out the reality of the relationship I'm in! Which has been abusive to say the least and I'm still with the man!!
I could really do with going to hospital but I know that there would be consequences from him if I did! I've already made my mind up that I need to leave him .. I now just need to be brave enough to go.
Yet again I've been stupid with my decisions in life and I will pay for them yet again! I hate being me!! I choose the wrong men to get involved with and I'm stupid enough to stay with them. This one I've been with for over 3 years. My marriage lasted for 7 years till he ran off with a friends wife!!
I have 2 beautiful boys who I love and adore but all I want to do atm is check out of this stupid horrible world. I won't because of my boys but I hate myself for even thinking about it!!
I know that everything seems worse when the pain is bad but all I can hope for is that this eases so I can sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!! X