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I hate being me!!

Jul 02, 2016 4:30 PM

So people I'm laid on my bed at crying my eyes out. My pain is just through the roof. My pain meds are doing nothing to help. My mum has just called me to say that my grandmother who is dying from Cancer is really at deaths door. She can't eat or drink. Her fingers are blue and the doctor thinks that she has a blood clot in her leg but she has refused to go to hospital because she knows that she knows that they would keep her then transfer to the hospice which she doesn't want to do so my family have been nursing her at home.

Stress is really not good for my condition & this has just rocketed ny stress levels along with anxiety and grief even though she hasn't passed yet!

I told my partner after the call, no hugs no reassuring words just brings up the past of what happened between me and her (we had a major fall out but we made up when she was told that she was terminal )

I now realise that the reason that I'm on such a high level of opiods isn't just to do with the pain, it's been to block out the reality of the relationship I'm in! Which has been abusive to say the least and I'm still with the man!!

I could really do with going to hospital but I know that there would be consequences from him if I did! I've already made my mind up that I need to leave him .. I now just need to be brave enough to go.

Yet again I've been stupid with my decisions in life and I will pay for them yet again! I hate being me!! I choose the wrong men to get involved with and I'm stupid enough to stay with them. This one I've been with for over 3 years. My marriage lasted for 7 years till he ran off with a friends wife!!

I have 2 beautiful boys who I love and adore but all I want to do atm is check out of this stupid horrible world. I won't because of my boys but I hate myself for even thinking about it!!

I know that everything seems worse when the pain is bad but all I can hope for is that this eases so I can sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!! X

Jul 02, 2016 4:44 PM

I know the feeling of having 2 boys and not being able to be engaged with them. It's awful. I'm so sorry. I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!

Jul 02, 2016 5:03 PM

Pain is worse with stress. You will get through this. Try to breathe. ✌️❤️

Jul 02, 2016 6:58 PM

Saz814, I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. You have my prayer's, you stay strong and know that we are here for you anytime.

Jul 03, 2016 1:24 AM

Thank you for replying to me invisiblepain28, tinydancer, and moparmom I was at a very very low point last night and didn't know what to do or who to turn to so I thank you for your replies and advice and prayers xxx

Jul 03, 2016 1:32 AM

Hang on, and breathe. Stress can kill, so slow down, Breathe into your belly. I understand. But you have to save yourself, to save those boys.
I have done the same thing with men and am still paying for mistakes I made from ages 21 to 55. Finally, I did make a planned departure with the help of a battered women's group, a chat with a minister and two family members. It IS possible to make that change.
I've been away from that for five years. And now I have a supportive boyfriend who adores me. You can do this. Truly, you're not alone. Don't give up.
You are so very important.
Email me privately if you like. I'm in the middle of moving but will answer you.

Jul 03, 2016 1:43 AM

Thanks autoimmunes I really appreciate your support especially as I saw in the last post from you that you were sad and angry too! OMG I hate moving house, I've done it about 30 times in my life so far! My Dad had a thing about doing up houses and selling them on my mum eventually got wise to what he was doing and slowed down on renovating houses so we didn't move every year! That said I've been a bit of a gypsy since I left university (college) and have moved multiple times myself! !! You have my sympathy on moving!! I will email you later in the week when you have a bit more time xx

Jul 03, 2016 4:33 AM

Hi Saz... my heart goes out to u hunni... but u r not alone... never alone... remember everything auto has said... and alll of this good advice... i am emotional... i walk in those shoes too, just havent left yet... long story... 16 years long! Breathe just breathe... and i hope u can make it to see ur gradmother and make peace... Im here so PM me if u need x

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