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I hate everything.

May 30, 2016 2:17 PM

I hate my life. I truly do... Today is memorial day, or whatever random holiday it is today...my moms friend invited us to a cook out...of couse we have to go....
So here I am....
Siting in a fucking corner while everyone eats food and is laughing and having a wonderful time.
I hate my life.
I knew I should have just sad I dont want to go...but of course my stupid brain thought it would be okay.
I'm so stupid for coming here. I just want to go home and go cry my eyes out.
Why am I even fucking alive.
There's no reason. I'm not accomplishing anything in life. I'm in a down ward spiral destin for death.
I can't help but sit here and hate everyone here for being able to eat food and drink water and live there lives.
There's no reason for me to be alive, I haven't accoplished shit since I was 11 years old. I dont even know why I had hope that this shit would go away.
I might as well sit in my house and do nothing for the rest of my life because Thats basically all I'm doing now.
I'm not really looking for advice to be "stronger" or anything. I have gotten enough of that from everyone I know for too long.
I just need to type.
Which funny enough is just causing more pain.

May 30, 2016 2:30 PM

Blazedkitty, you're alive because God has a plan for you. We don't know what or why but He has his reasons. I understand how you feel, I don't go to family functions any more (sometimes not even when it's at MY house). There's no reason to feel you have to be there. Why put yourself through the pain and misery of watching everybody eat and drink when you can't. Don't call yourself stupid because stupid, you're not. I'm sending you gentle {{{Hugs}}} and prayers. Know I'm here if you need me and you have my number stored in your phone. You can call me at any time. My hand is here for you to hold. I know that right now you're questioning everything but somewhere along the line you'll get your answers. 💕🙏🏻🌻😊

May 30, 2016 3:08 PM

Sorry you're struggling. Sending a virtual hug.

May 30, 2016 5:11 PM

BlazedKitty, I get where you're coming from. I've spent years in isolation having become sick to death of hearing myself say the same things over and over in my support groups. Why bother, I thought. "I can't work, I can't support my kids, I'm foreclosing on my house, I'm filing for bankruptcy, I have $30,000 of Child Services Arrearages, and I hurt all the time.... I replayed these negative thoughts over and over like a favorite CD. I went so far as to set up a "suicide kit" for when plans C, D, or E failed & I couldn't take it anymore. Yes, I suffer from an invisible genetic disease that will only get worse, and I have lost everything I'd attained; especially my sense of self. Although my woes were true, I knew I couldn't bear to cause my children & family to believe that I didn't love them enough to simply stick around no matter how bad things got. I was eventually asked by a former therapist that if focusing on & giving to others had saved me from chemical dependency in 2001, why couldn't it save me again? I decided that it couldn't hurt to try, and it hasn't. I'm only now climbing out of that black hole & reconnecting. Physical restraints make going out & doing things difficult at best, so thank God for this & other forums! It makes my day to help someone else; it reminds me that there *is* a reason that I'm alive. Nothing is perfect, I still have times when the pain & circumstances suck me down, so I cling to others. The funny thing is, when we lean on others, we are really giving them the opportunity to help someone, which in turn helps them (I hope that makes sense!).

May 30, 2016 5:41 PM

Oh no reading your story just made me cry...I feel like that at times. We are warriors of pains its sad we have to live like this..but god gave us life and we have to live it in a horrible way. I tell myself everyday that it will be ok, so I want you to know that it will be ok just breath. Sending a big hug💕

May 30, 2016 7:01 PM

I'm sending hugs & saying prayers for strength & courage. None of us know what lies ahead. But we do know we have each other to lean on, and I believe in a way that is a special purpose for us all. You aren't stupid for trying to get out and enjoy the day. I understand it being very hard to be around others eating& drinking things you can't have. Hopefully that won't always be the case for you. That's what I'm praying for, for you. (((Hugs)))!! 🙂💕🙏🌼

May 30, 2016 8:06 PM

Good for you for going to the cookout. Even though it was difficult, you put yourself out there and tried. That shows how strong willed you are right there. Baby steps can help you make it through the day. Whatever makes you happy or can ease your pain just one day, hour or minute at a time. Be grateful for the little stuff you accomplish.
My thoughts are with you.
Nanci

May 31, 2016 12:21 AM

@blazedkitty Sometimes the only validation we get is being of help here, and even posting about awful feelings can help. You've helped me. I have times when I don't know why I'm alive. When I feel I have to be, for family. People posting here are often the Only ones who get it.
I too, am sick and tired of the "Why don't you just...", "Do you do (xyz)?" because it's worked for someone else, or so and so said you were doing really well. . . . What?!!! That line of questioning hurts! It's meant well but grrr!! Keep posting.

May 31, 2016 1:00 AM

Ditto, good for you for going! That takes a ton of courage!

Jun 01, 2016 3:51 PM

You need to find a friend or relative that gets you... someone who can sit with you during these gatherings and make you feel like being there. There's always that one person that comes to mind... think about it and invite them to come to the next one, see if you can't make it better! 😊 I have been where you are several times, sitting there and people stay away because they just don't know what TO say.

Jun 01, 2016 8:32 PM

You are worthwhile, you are valuable. Your worth is not dictated by your abilities, your achievements or your wealth. You are inherently worthy and you have dignity simply because you are you.

You said you didn't want advice on being strong, but how about advice on being just a little happier?

What keeps me going is my fierce love for my hobbies. Even if I suck at them, even if they're not impressive or inspirational. Even if they're just watching a particular program or reading or listening to music, they help. When it gets hard I wrap them round me like a blanket. The little glimmer of being just a shade happier makes it feel like not everything sucks completely.

Jun 01, 2016 10:03 PM

Some days life just sucks and for some it sucks more often. I'm glad you posted bc I'm in a hate my life it sucks groove too and now feel I'm in good company. I'm waiting for pain Meds to kick in which haven't and I don't feel like doing a darn thing other than breathe. Hang in there by your finger nails and I will be right next to you 😜

Jun 02, 2016 3:39 AM

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through this past hollluday, but also commend you for going. This may sound crazy, but what about showing your mom what you wrote? It may help her to understand more how these things make you feel physically, mentally & emotionally. Everything has its seasons, and some are a hell of a lot longer than others! I have been suffering with severe, debilitating chronic pain due to a work related injury, but my motto is I'm not going to let this pain get the best of me, but with the help of God, I will get the best of it! Does it always work, nope! But I try & wake up each morning thinking this could be a better day. Maybe seek counseling....sometimes it helps to talk to someone you don't know. Take care, I know I probably said some things you don't want to hear, but I really care....just speaking from the heart.

Jun 02, 2016 3:50 PM

I've had days like that. Even weeks like that. It's lonely, dark and can be difficult to come back from. I absolutely believe that if you want to forget your own problems, you need to serve someone else. No one can help everyone, but EVERYONE can help someone. Get into a wheelchair and volunteer to help kids learn to read at your local elementary school. Cheer them on, help them conquer! Head to the hospital and hold babies born addicted. They also hurt all of the time. Help socialize rescued dogs. It takes a lot of just sitting there to have an abused animal begin to trust. Your love and empathy could bring great comfort to another soul in pain. You can reach those who hurt not inspire of your pain, but because of it. You will forget yourself. I promise. Your body won't stop hurting, but your heart will.

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