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I Just Can't !!

Mar 10, 2015 12:41 AM

In 2010 I had spine surgery to remove a mass growing between T6-T7 it was the biggest mistake I ever made !
I should have let it grow into a twin brother instead of having it removed !! The mass was non symptomatic at the time but the thoracic surgeon said it was a ticking time bomb ....
I was a very active person .. I worked in the telecommunications field for over 25 years . I was also a weekend warrior !! Softball , football and always running around with the kids ... Now I can't even pick them up !!
After my Failed back surgery I live a life of spinal stimulator , morphine pump implant and oral medication .. And still the pain and spasms find a way through .. At least you can walk is what they tell me .. Be happy you can at least do what little things you can do !! Be happy your not paralyzed ..
I can't take it anymore !! I've been married for over 27 years and had 4 kids .. Now I can't even get exited !!! And all the damn Viagra commercials are only making more depressed !!! I just can't believe the road I have traveled in the past 3 years . I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy ..
I'm losing hope and can't find my faith !!!!!
My wife and grandchildren are the biggest reason I even get out of bed !!!
I don't know if I can keep doing it for them !!
I'm just sick and tired of this chronic condition . Expecily knowing that I am at maximum improvement .. Yuck
Thanks for letting me vent !!
Anthony !

Mar 10, 2015 12:48 AM

It has been almost 5 years now ... Not ..

Mar 10, 2015 1:29 AM

Oh my goodness that's tough.
I can honestly say my family and my boyfriend are the only thing that keeps me going and keeps me motivated, otherwise I honestly wouldn't want to be here, and I've even been through that stage.

It's very frustrating when you hear doctors or others say "look at the little things you can do" or "you're getting there" maybe even a "you're going to be ok" when you want more than anything is to seriously be ok!
I'm seventeen and had spine surgery for scoliosis..things went wrong, my spinal monitor was dropped,I even formed a blood clot. I've had five ribs removed, was also sent home on the wrong pain medication! I live with regret even getting the surgery! But deep down I know it's helped..because it's gained years on to my life, I hate chronic pain ! I was never told it would be like this.

Seriously best of luck.. I choose to live with hope, whilst doing things that may help me like little exercises or taking my medication..

Was nice to meet you.xx

Mar 10, 2015 10:04 AM

I am sorry for you agony. No one knows better than you what you are experiencing oe how you feel. Sometimes I have to, "fake it" until I make it and winter is the toughest of a seasons. I pray that you will find enough relief that you won't be in this miserable position for long - that you will improve your conditions, both physical and emotional. Please promise that you will reach out I'd you are a risk to yourself. I think living with pain is one of the hardest things we do for our loved ones. Peace.

Mar 10, 2015 10:05 AM

Talk to text strikes again.... More the fool, I am....

Mar 10, 2015 11:54 AM

Nastyy13 I am sorry you are going thru this depression. Are you taking anything for it? I have been there myself and take Prozac. You may need to get some counseling with either your Pastor or someone else. I have been going thru my journey since 2001. I have had anteriordiskectomy on C5,6,and 7.I have had to use a walking cane and wheelchair,but Thank God I don't anymore. I have a Service Dog that helps with my stability, I can just be walking and fall. I know that it is very frustrating not to be able do like you used to be,and get tired of them telling you that at least you can walk.But even though it's not ever going to be prefect again,you are able to walk. The Bible tells us he won't put no more on us than we can stand. It's true. Know this God Never Leaves Us He Is Always Be There With Us. Please talk with someone if you are contiplating harming yourself. You say your wife and grandchildren is what keeping you going. Look at their precious faces and think what would happen to them if you did something to yourself and wasn't here to guide them and love them.will keep you in thoughts and prayers

Mar 10, 2015 1:04 PM

nastyy13, I am so sorry for what you have & are still going through. I do not judge anyone, but from your message you sound very depressed and desperate; I'm concerned. Please let your wife or someone know you are at a point of struggling that you feel you need help to cope with it all. Call a doctor and them know.

I prayed for you after reading your message. I asked God to give you strength & a will to go forward for yourself and your family, for your children. I asked Him to help you find your faith again. And I asked Him to help you by reducing your pain. I asked Him to let you know you are not alone, that He is there with you.

Though I've not had surgery or problems like yours, I've had a major lifestyle change over the past 5 years and my health continues to deteriorate. I'm 53 now and feel much much older, walking like I'm in my 70s. Since I was 24 I've had 16 different or interrelated surg-procedures, with 2 on my neck discs & 5 pelvic region. Some have resulted in loss of ability to be intimate with my husband. You mentioned the Viagra commercials, but those are just pushing false expectations to make money for the company. As people age our bodies do not perform at 50 like they did at 20-30. (Those meds come with risks, and I'll bet there will be future lawsuit for side effects & damages.) My husband and I understand that isn't what makes our love for each other strong or weak; commitment is. My first experience with asthma ended up being a status asthmaticus attack, which I didn't think I would survive. They did a heart catherization thinking I'd had a heart attack. I've been where you are: tired of the constant pain, stuggling to get through day by day, angry at the changes to my body & lifestyle, not sure I even wanted to live. Having suffered from a family suicide years ago, I knew I did not want to put my husband, children, grandchild, siblings or father through that. I didn't want to selfishly end my pain and create more for them.

Through fighting my way out of the depression & desperation I felt, seeking help through a psychiatrist & counseling, I held on to my faith in God. I held on to His promise in Romans 8:28 "We know that for those who love God all things work together for good." I do not know how God will use my health & struggles, but I know that good will come from it. I don't think it will be spontaneous healing, but I do think my ability of dealing with all I have going on will stand as an example of faith to my children & grandchildren. I know I am not in this alone; God is walking me through it. There are days I feel the pain & fatigue (fibromyalgia developed 2009) won't allow me to even think straight. But no matter how bad I feel, I try to thank God for something every day, even if its thanking Him for the pain to keep me humble.

These things I've learned in my struggle. Its ok to be frustrated and vent, it releases stress, be it crying or ranting. Its normal to be depressed over the loss of ourselves (health, lifestyle, etc). In essence we've suffered a sort of death, losing ourselves to our illnesses...we are suffering grief. And its ok to reach out and tell others we need help, be it physical, psychological, emotional or spiritual. God loves each and every one of us the same. And He wants each of us to be a support for each other, because unlike our spouses, children, other family & friends, we truly understand and can relate to each other's suffering. I will continue to pray for you, and I hope you know I'd be right by your side to help you if I could...I would for each and every one on here. May God bless you with peace of knowing you are not alone! 🙏🌼

Mar 10, 2015 1:12 PM

FlappsyLady, I don't think anyone could have said that mor eloquently or compassionately. Your words ring true for so very many of us. That is why I always say that finding this community has been a Godsend for me. We all need to try to remember that no matter what, we're not alone.. We have each other.

Mar 10, 2015 1:24 PM

Thank you Thank You Thank You ... I have been pretty down on myself , my condition and my quality of life .. I try so hard to " Fake it " .. I've grown tired of the constant " How are you feeling " are you OK ...I was the Leader .. the Provoder ... The caregiver .. And most of all I was the giver !!! I am now 47 years old but feel like 70+ ... It pains me when my 5 year old Granddaughter takes Pity on my condition .. I do not feel sorry for mysel !!! I'm just mad !! I'm angry I'm constantly trying to understand what I did to have to deal with this condition ...
One of the hardest parts to understand is that with a first second and third opinion I am sh@t out of luck !! No one will operate fearing paralysis !! We can put a man on the moon .. But we can't FIX SOME SCAR TISSUE AND NERVE DAMAGE !!

I appreciate the kind words and believe that I really should talk to somebody but If you live in chronic pain you can probably understand ... you can have a houseful and still feel ALL ALONE !!

Mar 10, 2015 1:42 PM

Anthony, You are very welcome. I prayed and asked God to give me the words to share with you that I do understand, that He's still with you. I have more damage to my neck and though its causing more problems no doctor wants to attempt surgery for fear of damaging my ability to talk or swallow or both. The same with the pelvic issues which have caused incontinence with bladder & bowels. I did begin to pity myself before I climbed out of the hole of darkness. My granddaughter who was 6 at the time started adjusting all her toys and games "so Granny doesn't have to move or bend or hurt", just so I could play with her. She's 8 now and when we go out she places her hand on top of mine so she's supporting me. God showed me through her, what all I do have to live for & just what I still have to offer others (her in particular). Talk to God, pour out your heart & soul. But then be quiet and listen. God has never shouted an answer to me yet. 😉 Hugs & prayersto you!

Mar 10, 2015 1:47 PM

Anthony, I'm so sorry to hear how you are struggling. It is part of a man's DNA to be the strong one, that doesn't mean it is a sign of weakness to tell people you need help. In fact I believe dealing with the chronic pain you have and staying here proves how very strong you are. Please ask for some help, I'm sure that the people around you would rather know how terribly unhappy you are right now. I'm glad you vented on here, keeping everything contained is so very hard. I send you lots of good wishes and I hope a solution that will help you to come out of the other side of this terrible black tunnel you are currently in.

Mar 10, 2015 1:55 PM

I have been told there are three stages to go through; first is mourning for your old self, the second is anger the third is acceptance..... And learning to live with it and adapt to it (whatever 'it' is to the person suffering). I'm still in the mourning stage I'm afraid, I have the anger to go through yet. It seems to me that you are nearly ready to adapt but that might mean asking for help. You sound like a proud man - which is a good thing - just don't be too proud to get the help you really need ;)

Mar 10, 2015 2:15 PM

Deena26 is correct in the 3 stages. Even though I am in the acceptance stage, there are still days I struggle with anger (especially at new problems crop up). This community has, as AlwayZ says it, "been a godsend" to me also. Our children have flown the coop and though they live nearby they rarely have time for us (in today's schedules). My husband has hobbies and when he isnt working he's off treasure hunting... Lol he should find a goldmine to afford my dream escape! 😉 Anyway, other than here, I am mostly alone, but never lonely. Like you, I can be surrounded by people "yet feel so alone." God tells us to bear our brothers (&sisters) burdens, and I believe this community is helping each other do just that. Praying for you too Deena26! 🙏🌼

Mar 10, 2015 2:16 PM

Oops, forgot to say thank you AlwayZ! God gave me the words.🌹

Mar 10, 2015 3:46 PM

Anthony I see you as a strong proud young man, but please don't be too proud to ask for help. Set your wife and children down and discuss your feelings with them. They are probably wanting to help but doesn't know how to approach you. They don't understand and they think being sympathetic is is the key. Tell them what you want and need them to do to help you. I am 59 and my husband gets so frustrated by us not being intimate,I can't make him understand that just touching hurts so baddly,and that I am using it for an excuse not to be with him. He makes me feel so guilty that I will agree and then by the time it's over I'm crying because of pain then he gets mad and appolizises and I'm in pain for 2-3 days. We don't even sleep together we have been married for 32 yrs . Don't give up you know the old saying it's the darkest before the dawn. When one door closes another window opens.God bless you

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