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I just want to stop

Nov 11, 2014 1:47 AM

I've been in pain since I can remember. I am now almost 30 and I have nothing to show for a life spent in agony. Not even a concrete diagnosis. I have worked since I was 12 years old. Always supported and cared for those around me. When is it my turn?!? I just want the pain to stop. Or I want to die. At this point....I don't care which. Before y'all get all preachy about "don't die, what about your family? Friends?" I have no family and I just moved to a new area. No friends. So yes, at this point its either the pain gives or I do. And so far the pain has been pretty relentless. I'm not as driven.

Nov 11, 2014 2:21 AM

I'm sorry. Please know that I'm here for you, we all are. I'll be praying you. :)

Nov 11, 2014 2:30 AM

I understand and can empathise with where you are at.
Have spent half my life in pain, family doesn't understand, it has cost me relationships, the few friends I have are sick of me cancelling out on stuff they want to do because it takes all my energy to work to earn enough money to support myself.
I cry several times a day due to the pain, have recently started losing weight because I'm too tired or nauseous to bother eating, so stressed my psyche is worried I am suicidal.
My GP keeps a tight rein on my pain meds which I understand but when I have no quality of life what then?
I take the meds they give me and I am still in pain.
It never ever stops!
I guess I'm not really offering any answers and I hope you are getting support from a doctor and psychologist.
Just want to say you're not alone!
There are people like you that manage, do you have any interests, can you visit online forums, they don't care where you live or what your problems are, you can vent in here, sometimes it helps.
Yes sometimes I wonder why I continue to bother but realistically I think it's still worth it, even for the simplest things.
I might not ever achieve the things I expected have lost a lot of desire, drive and motivation in this life but I saw an awesome full moon the other night, was wide awake due to the pain.
There are some joys left, you have to take what you can.
One very special Dr once told me that by the time most people my age ever experience anything near the pain I do that I'll be so used to living with it I'll be running circles around them telling them to stop whining! Hope I make it that far!
Hope this helps?

Nov 11, 2014 1:29 PM

Family does not mean blood line it means a village. Faith is believing you will win the daily battles, stop worry about the war. Friendship can be obtained on line in groups like this. Most of my friends are on line as I am housebound, my mate is my number one supporter, but I have learned not to burden him with stuff , I still try and do. as much as I can. The more I try and do😂I am a religious person hence prayer, and faith and grace and mercy have carried me for 30 years. Now, here are some helpful hints
I hope it helps
Get a doctor who you trust, and can talk to ....if you walk in and it is a rush job be bold and let him know u want at least 15 minutes
Get a pharmacy you trust and you can talk too
Create a friend base on line talk about you pain.... I would love to be your online friend, I will send you my email info and I am sure there are others
Get a hobbie, get out of the bed on days of 7 and above ....pain level low ...move around
I truly hope I.ve helped in some small way
Your new friend!

Nov 11, 2014 4:52 PM

You sound like me I've been in pain since I was 2 I'm 22 now and the pain never stops the mess don't help the only thing that does help is a pain pump but I can't get that at home even now I'm hurting I don't sleep much because of all the hurting I think about suicide all the time but I'm a religious man so I can't go to heaven if I kill myself I know how you feel I just keep busy playing games since I'm not well enough to work we're here for you

Nov 11, 2014 10:37 PM

Thank you guys. Really. My husband is a saint for putting up with my particular brand of crazy. My dog....god lol if there is such a thing as soul mates....my husband and my pup are thirds of a whole lol. I'm sorry I got snippy and came off like a bit*h. I'm just literally at the end of my rope. No insurance, no doctor, no hope of EVER being normal. And I'm a nurse aide. So myself comes second for most of my day. After my shift is my down time. Comfy socks and a cup of tea. Then dishes need done, house needs cleaned, laundry etc. The hubby works five days a week at a much rougher job than mine, so I try to cut him slack on the house work. I've been able to cut down to 4 12 hour shifts a week. But I'm still stuck. I HAVE to work so we can live. But I cant enjoy living because it hurts so damn much. Where's the balance? What gives? Am I going to keep going till I break? I've been untreated for 10 years because doctors see my age and I guess I have "addict" stamped on my forehead? I'm looking for HELP! I am not looking for a high! I just want to scream it out loud! "Help me!!" Suicide seems like such a good idea most of the time but I refuse to be "that girl". The one who couldn't handle her sh*t. So I keep pushing and pushing. But one of these days, god help me, I'm gonna break.

Nov 12, 2014 5:53 AM

Just hang in there please?
Be thankful you've a husband, I am doing this alone!
Have you had a GP reasses you medication options, different things work for different people.
Seek other opinion, I know it can be seen as Dr shopping but the opinion without prescription helps!
Been close to suicide regularly but really it's not a great end not one I want on the tombstone, eh it was too hard for her!
I am a fighter anyone who experiences chronic pain is, so, suck up the inner strength that comes with the territory!
Really do you want your partner to think he failed in not being able to support, or help you enough that you end your life? Does he need that? Really answer is no, so, keep searching stay strong, we are here to help!
What a guilt trip that'll place on him, you wanna chew him up for the rest of his life without you?
Sorry if I sound hard but it's always those that survive that carry the guilt its the one that suicides, or dies young that gets the easy road out without realising fully what they leave behind...
If you want support im here u want it out of here I'll give my details.
I know pain, I live it, I hate it, yet I fight!
Everyday I fight, yet today, like most other days I won!
I made it!
Did enough to justify tomorrow!
To deserve another day to live cause I demand a quality of life, not just pain!

Nov 12, 2014 7:26 AM

You guys are awesome! I like the encouragement. Amelia, I am curious if you live in the States? My insurance does NOTHING ... I pay for everything. I am registering for ObamCare as I hear it is better than people think. I,wish you all well and thoughts to continue life striving to do your best and try to take it easy on yourself. Chronic pain (fibro fir me) stinks, but sometimes you have to flip your thoughts and think of how much stronger it can make you as a person in other ways. Gentle hugs and hang in there!

Nov 12, 2014 9:40 AM

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ it's a gnarly challenge and I am and have been in your shoes. I'm losing my family and friends cause I'm laid up in bed a lot. I almost hung myself about 3 years ago. chronic pain will play in your heart strings. ask your doc about cortisone shots? also I'm diagnosed depressed, fibromyalgia, PTSD, anxiety disorder. my super smart bee doctor put me on cymbalta- It helps with depression, anxiety AND IT ACTUALLY HELPS MY PAIN. for the first time ever I was skipping my pain med doses. email me if you have questions about that amandaswim@ymail.com
I have done natural/alternative suggestions to help too.

Nov 12, 2014 12:01 PM

@jess yes I live in the states. And I don't have insurance. Haven't since I was 17, so I haven't been treated since then. And I'm 30 lmao. The hubby and I make too much for medicare, too much for Obama Care, and too little to actually afford insurance. No doctor will take me serious because I am still working. So that means I'm not in pain? Guess so. They're the ones with the degree....so they must know better lol. No one in my area will even see me, hospitals laugh me out of er, and urgent care won't do crap. Keep getting referred to doctors who won't take me after all because I don't have insurance. Soooooo......I called the clinics around here. No call back. Left messages, nothing. I'm just getting worried no one will EVER help me! "Chronic pain" around here only means "dirty drug addict" or "drug seeking behavior." So my last recourse? I have no idea. I really don't. I've been trying for years and years. I don't think there is a single human doctor left.

Nov 12, 2014 12:37 PM

Understand your frustrations with Drs it took telling mine initially to yelling crying at him that I was feeling unsupported, that I was the local pharmacy was refusing to sell me anymore over the counter pain meds because of the quantity I was consuming, they weren't the only one I was going to either, for him to actually stop and reassess my condition, finally got the scans ordered and a diagnosis and a real treatment plan.
Have you had an actual diagnosis of cause of pain?
Do you seek other treatments, massage, physiotherapy, acupuncture?

Nov 12, 2014 10:15 PM

The last one kinda threw "fibro" at me as well as "arthritis" because of the crunching in my joints. But never Anything concrete....chiropractors won't touch me, massages hurt like sh*t, physical therapy at my work suggested some exercises which didn't work. I still go to the gym after work and lift, run a little, and force myself through it with a mantra of "don't be a p*ssy"
I have screamed, pleaded, begged, cajoled, bargained and cried with anyone in position to listen and help me. Nothing. So now I am firmly convinced that I'm (minus my dog and husband) doing this alone. And at about 4k mgs of ibuprofen a day, I'm not sure what's gonna give first, my kidneys or my resolve.

Nov 13, 2014 6:09 PM

It's possible you have arthritis of some form? I believe it can affect young people. Why won't the chiropractor touch? If he won't he should be referring you to someone else that can help or at least a good doctor?
Keep trying doctors to get them to see what is happening to you, use this app to record your pain, chart out what works and what doesn't record what physical activity you're doing like the gym to show you are being proactive, your working as well and not just a lazy drug seeking loser, as is sadly often the case when people in real pain go to doctors these days. Give them records of your medication consumption, how long it works for what relief you get, so maybe if they aren't listening to you, a portfolio of evidence of how you are trying to manage this and failing, so you need their help to understand what is wrong with you and what can be done to better manage it.
Also highly recommend getting some counselling from a psychologist if you can?
Try to work on relaxation therapies, meditation and progressive muscle relaxation.

Nov 13, 2014 9:12 PM

have you been to a pain specialist? I'm twenty 8 with tattoos and mine takes me seriously because he knows the faces of pain are many. if you ask for lyrica, an anti depressant, and a sleep aid for night time pain, you will get a lot of relief and you won't be labelled an addict. try it for at least some relief!

Nov 15, 2014 6:22 AM

Ok sorry guys my turn, it all hurts like hell just want it to stop, if I could cut my hands off to stop the pain I would, every letter typed causes agony, up to the eye balls with pain meds and still no relief!
Gave in and med taped my wrists to try n stem the pain that helped drop agony from 10 to about a 9.5
No ideas what to do next, wish they'd give me back the liquid morphine it was the best breakthrough relief I've ever had.
Just want it to all end...

Nov 15, 2014 9:00 AM

BK- hang in there. You will have a "less" pain day soon!

Nov 15, 2014 9:00 AM

BK- hang in there. You will have a "less" pain day soon!

Nov 15, 2014 4:34 PM


Nov 15, 2014 11:16 PM

Wow! And I felt alone. Not happy I'm not, but you guys are so encouraging! Amelia - I commend you, you are a nurses aide..I'm an RN and t's soooooo hard to take care of others when you are hurting so bad you need help! And BK, like jesspoo said, your pain will go away one day. Keep searching until you find the right Dr. Maybe your Dr. Is stopping the morphine because they can have some long term affects. I can relate to the chronic pain..I hurt my shoulder at work 3 years sgo, has had 3 surgeries and is still in horrible pain. I feel depressed, & has also thought that ending it would be better than this day & night pain. I'm a Christian, so I know praying, believing and faith will get me through this someday. Imagine the lifelong pain that will be put on others if ending it was the choice. We can't let the pain beat us..we must beat it!

Nov 16, 2014 1:00 AM

My pain will never go away!
It's a formally diagnosed chronic condition that will only continue to deteriorate as I age.
There is no expectation I will ever be off pain medication for the rest of my life!
Already had failed surgery and procedures that have proved unsuccessful and possibly damaged more and I may yet face more in the future, that's the only unknown.
I managed to double meds and got down to a four today :)
It a matter of acceptance now, that this chronic unceasing pain is an aspect of life I must deal with.

Nov 19, 2014 8:19 AM

If the quality of your life is so bad then your doctor has no right to hold bad on prescribing medications that will help. There are drugs that can make your days more comfortable and yes you can become dependent on them but hopefully not addicted but that's another hill to climb on another day. You first need to have the pain controlled.

If you are a long time chronic pain sufferer and your doctor is reluctant to prescribe you the drugs you need to survive then you either need to be a lot more aggressive with doctor about needing the help they have the power to provide or just go get a doctor who is willing to provide the help you need.

Doctors can't play god and have no right to hold back on providing you the help you need. There is a lot of negative attitude towards narcotics right now and that is because of its illegal uses, this should however be the reason for you to not get you the help you need.

Narcotics help me, they help me a lot. I've been on them for 6 years now and yes my body is dependent on them but without them I would not be here today writing this entry. The pain is so bad that without the drugs I would not survive and would have taken my life a long time ago.

Nov 19, 2014 8:51 AM

I agree CACampbell. True physicians know the difference between drug seekers, and patients who are in true need of relief. My rheumy walks in the room and I'm immediately in tears. I'm not a wuss, I'm a tough broad, farmer, hillbilly, "tomboy". But this disease had brought me to the dark side. Sometimes the only relief in sight is ending the pain permanently. If it was just me, I wouldn't hesitate.

Nov 19, 2014 1:47 PM

Hang in there Emelia. I am so sorry you suffer so. I have been in chronic pain 24/7/365 for the last 18 years. My pain level hovers around an 8-8.5 ON Morphine. It can be very distressing. So many people who said, move around and go out and you'll feel better. Not understanding that if I get myself together and go out, enjoy my time, I suffer for the next several days for one day of fun. (Which would be a lot more fun if it didn't hurt so bad. Something has to happen for us.. I think this app is gathering valuable info to have specialists look at and try to find new things to help us. We are all in the pain boat together and we are all here for each other.

Nov 19, 2014 1:57 PM

I don't know that I have anything special to share except like many of the others - I understand. There isn't any judgment coming your way - the most difficult time in my life was when I didn't have a diagnosis and thought I was going crazy. Once I found out what the problem was, I had something to focus on and knew I wasn't going insane. I would continue going to the doctor and use as many descriptors as possible - when I stand up, I feel like I'm walking on broken glass, trying to turn a door knob can cause my fingers to go numb, etc. help the dr understand what you feel. I was shocked that my dr didn't understand when I told him my hands and feet were swollen all the time that I could barely walk that it also meant they hurt. But it wasn't until I told the dr that I had pain in my hands and feet did he realize I had RA.
ABOVE ALL - hang in there! There is a group of people here that do understand and care!!!

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