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I miss my old life. I should be over that.

Jun 03, 2015 6:59 AM

I has been 17 years since my accident. I am only 45 years old. But I still miss my old life. I should be over that by now. I should have made peace with that and I think that i have for the most part. I think part of it is the kids are older now. In their twenties and at home still. I take care of myself. When I lived at home with my mom. My mom was lazy. I had to wait on her hand and foot. I had to bring her food and drinks. I had to clean the whole house since I was twelve years old. I remember having surgery at a hospital far away and being dropped off and picked up by someone else. No one came to the surgery. Then as soon as I came home the doctor said I could not attend school and must rest for 30 days. They were immediately mad and insisted I started cleaning and cooking even though I didn't go to school. I did it because they told me I was a bad kid and that they tried to love me but that I would not let them. I felt really bad about that and spent the rest of my teenage years trying to make up for it. But that is besides the point. I am getting off subject. It is part of me going down memory lane.

But I won't let the kids take care of me like that. I won't take their money like my mother did me. She would go to the store and say she bought me a gift. Then she would put it in a ledger of bills I ower her. But my kids see me that way. They don't see the man I was. The man I truly am. The man at heart that influenced who they turned out to be.They just see me as damaged. They see me as something they need to take care of. They percieve they are taking care of me even though they do very little for me which is just the way I like it. I don't want my kids to feel stuck home. I want them to be happy and live their life.

I loved working. I was a workaholic. i loved my job in marketing. I could read peoples thinking by their body talk. I knew when to push and when to back off. Sometimes when they were unsure of they just lacked a little confidence in the product. I would tell them, I think you should give it a couple of days and think about it. I wouldn't rush into it. Most salesman wouldn't do that. They would just keep pushing that sale. But I could tell that if I said those words, they would assume I was not trying to sell and run. It would give them confidence in my product. It worked 85% of the time. I have to say I did that because I feel I am an honest person and I believed in my product and I would never sell them something that I didn't think was junk or that wasn't something that they could use. But I loved my job because I loved people.

I loved going to church. It was so fulfilling. It made me feel so good. It made me feel so close to God to actually be in his house, to be with his people. I don't really feel like a true servant of his right now because I don't go to his house.

I loved having friends. I loved being the center. I was not the center because everyone that I was great, smart, and wonderful. I was the center because I made people happy, I would arrange get togethers for large amounts of people or small groups of friends. I would do regular dinners with individual families. I would try to never have the same family over. I would try to widen myself out so I could see what God liked about that servant of God and why he chose him to serve him. So that I can see those fine qualities too. Because face it, sometimes from a distance, it is hard to see them sometimes.

I loved spending time with my family. I have a brother and a sister. I live in Virginia and my extended family lives in New Jersey. I would usually visit them every few years. I haven't seen them since the accident. Like i told you about my family, when I was a teenager, I waited on them hand and foot. That extended to my older brother and younger sister. So they seen me as a caregiver. I would go and visit them regularly, like every few months. I was like a parent to my sister and she feelis lke I raised her. Every time one ot them got sick or had a procedure done, I would take off work and drive over a hundred miles to be with them. They liked being babied and cooked for when I came. When I had my accident and my foot came off most of the way, my wife called my brother. He came to the hospital. it was a good distace. i will always remember his words. He said, "you made it sound real bad on the phone'. Out of my eight surgeries, only he came to visit me twice. Nothing was ever sent. I would always call them every two weeks. They would seem bothered but I liked keeping up with them. I felt like it was my job to keep them together. A few years ago, after realizing that they have probably called me eight times each out of twenty years, I stopped. I wondered if they ever missed me. And the answer was yes. They just took me for granted. Once I stopped being able to be there for them and stopped calling, after a year, they started calling and this past year, I got my first visit from my brother. I use to be the one who would always go to him. It made me feel special. So I miss them. I shouldn't have done what I did. I shouldn't have looked for what I would get in return. It is all about giving. I had joy about giving. It was just difficult when I was disabled and couldn't give anymore. They had suggested I was not fighting strong enough to get back on my feet again. Like I can will it away. It is a thinking they got from my dad.

So this is the life I miss. I just have been thinking about it more than usual. Funny, it is not depressing me. I just miss it. You know what i mean? I wish I could have it back. But I need to be humble and be happy for the time I had it. Some people have never had it.

Jun 03, 2015 8:58 AM

I know what you mean Profiler. I miss not being able to do what I use to. I feel Good led me to this community as a way of not feeling alone, finding information and experiences from others, and gaining support to get through from people who understand in empathy (been there, done that). I may not like what's happening to my body but I'm happy in knowing I am right where God wants me. I don't know how He's using this for good, I just trust Him whole heartedly. 🙏🌼

Jun 05, 2015 12:42 PM

Profiler, I know what you mean by missing your life. I was one who would go to work in the morning, come home, grab a quick bite, head out and then sometimes get home just in time to shower and go to work and then start all over again. I was always the one who showed up early and stayed late (Even thought sometimes they must have wanted to throw my ass out... LOL!!) But I never said no to a party or to going out dancing, bowling, etc.. Please try not to feel bad because I don't think that you ever truly "get over" missing your life but instead learn how to live on the path that you have been put on and make the best of it. I was blessed the day I found this community. I saw the app and thought, wow, this should be good for keeping track of my pain, never thinking I would meet so many wonderful people who were so compassionate and generous with their understanding. I no longer feel alone, I know there are so many of you out there who I can speak to and I don't feel bad about letting the feelings out any more because I know now, it's not selfish, it's just that sometimes when we get overwhelmed, we need to verbalize it. The wonderful thing about it is that those feelings are heard by people who understand what those feelings are like and it helps us to move on. I'm sending you a big hug, Profiler, I do understand what you are going through and just know that I'm here along with everyone else. You are in my prayers.

Jun 05, 2015 1:38 PM

Like I said, ...I'm drunk right now, but what ideas are straight or as awesome when u r drunk?.

We really need to start a dating app for chronic pain and various deaises 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Jun 05, 2015 1:43 PM

LMAO Octobot... I hope that you skipped your meds before you decided to have a few drinks. If you are home safe and sound and you are feeling good and happy, that is all that matters. I wish this app had a way to send private messages to someone if you want to so that if you want to communicate something personal or exchange photos or just become closer friends to where you can write to one another, etc.... However, I am just grateful that this community exists and that even with the anonymous postings, I have still formed wonderful relationships with some awesome folks here.

Jun 09, 2015 8:32 PM

I am truly grateful that I found a community like you all. I felt so alone when I didn't have someone to talk to. My family really didn't understand it and I felt like they didn't want to. And I know it's a bit much for them. I'm glad they don't understand. But I wish that they would try. they seem so irritated and impatient when I try to explain something about what is going on. So now I don't even try. It makes me feel alone in my own. That's why I'm glad I found you all. I'm able to talk to someone who has compassion and I'm able to reciprocate that. I'm glad that I'm able to show empathy the others based on my own experiences. I'm glad that I'm able to show our help others with different services because I know about them and able to assist them. I like being able to comfort people. Although I don't feel like I'm a good person, it makes me feel like I do good things. And it makes me feel good about myself. And ever since I was young, I have always had a problem of having a just random thoughts going through my head like a radio. Most of the thoughts are good. I occasionally thoughtsThe thoughts are very strange. There is nothing that I would do or say. And that because of them, I have always felt like a wicked person. So I always try my best to make up for that and I doing good things. This community has given me the opportunity to really try to be kind and good. I really love trying to build people. I hope that I encourage them and then at the same time it makes me feel like I've done something good. And thanks for being there for me everybody. You all have helped me tremendously and you have been there for me when no one else has. Thank you

Jun 10, 2015 3:42 AM

Profiler I understand where you are coming from. When I was 15 my Mother had congestive heart failure, we almost lost her but by God's grace we didn't. Until that time I was spoilt as a child I had Asthma and they almost lost me a couple of times. So I was petted a lot and learned how to work it if I didn't want to do anything, I'm not proud of this they should have spanked my bottom end and made me do things. I digress after moma came home from the hospital everything fell on my shoulders, I was the oldest so it I had to do it. The cooking, cleaning washing clothes. Watching out for my sister who is 7 years younger than me, and my brother. I never had to do an cooking she did it all. I also had to take care of her. I was a mess, but I learned, it was hard but it opened up a career in the health care field and when anyone was sick they called on me to take care of them. I became a pretty good cook. One time I was cooking pinto beans and I put them in the pressure cooker, I took the lid off and the beans blew up in the celing, scared me to death it was a miracle that I didn't get burned very badly. It scared my Mom and Dad also. I think having these experiences made me a stronger person, Mother raised us in church,I was saved, I thank God that he led me to this site. I have made a lot of friends, that are more like family to me. There are a lot of compassionate , and caring people on this site, everyone wants to help each other with their problems. They have already gone thru somethings and can give advice to others that might be going thru different things now. I have become dependent on this site because we are understood by each other, we don't judge each other,it doesn't matter if we want to throw a fit rant and rave it doesn't matter because someone nine times out of 10 has been through it. I thank God for each and every one of you on this site I have come to care deeply for each and everyone. Love and hugs sent y'all s way.

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