I has been 17 years since my accident. I am only 45 years old. But I still miss my old life. I should be over that by now. I should have made peace with that and I think that i have for the most part. I think part of it is the kids are older now. In their twenties and at home still. I take care of myself. When I lived at home with my mom. My mom was lazy. I had to wait on her hand and foot. I had to bring her food and drinks. I had to clean the whole house since I was twelve years old. I remember having surgery at a hospital far away and being dropped off and picked up by someone else. No one came to the surgery. Then as soon as I came home the doctor said I could not attend school and must rest for 30 days. They were immediately mad and insisted I started cleaning and cooking even though I didn't go to school. I did it because they told me I was a bad kid and that they tried to love me but that I would not let them. I felt really bad about that and spent the rest of my teenage years trying to make up for it. But that is besides the point. I am getting off subject. It is part of me going down memory lane.
But I won't let the kids take care of me like that. I won't take their money like my mother did me. She would go to the store and say she bought me a gift. Then she would put it in a ledger of bills I ower her. But my kids see me that way. They don't see the man I was. The man I truly am. The man at heart that influenced who they turned out to be.They just see me as damaged. They see me as something they need to take care of. They percieve they are taking care of me even though they do very little for me which is just the way I like it. I don't want my kids to feel stuck home. I want them to be happy and live their life.
I loved working. I was a workaholic. i loved my job in marketing. I could read peoples thinking by their body talk. I knew when to push and when to back off. Sometimes when they were unsure of they just lacked a little confidence in the product. I would tell them, I think you should give it a couple of days and think about it. I wouldn't rush into it. Most salesman wouldn't do that. They would just keep pushing that sale. But I could tell that if I said those words, they would assume I was not trying to sell and run. It would give them confidence in my product. It worked 85% of the time. I have to say I did that because I feel I am an honest person and I believed in my product and I would never sell them something that I didn't think was junk or that wasn't something that they could use. But I loved my job because I loved people.
I loved going to church. It was so fulfilling. It made me feel so good. It made me feel so close to God to actually be in his house, to be with his people. I don't really feel like a true servant of his right now because I don't go to his house.
I loved having friends. I loved being the center. I was not the center because everyone that I was great, smart, and wonderful. I was the center because I made people happy, I would arrange get togethers for large amounts of people or small groups of friends. I would do regular dinners with individual families. I would try to never have the same family over. I would try to widen myself out so I could see what God liked about that servant of God and why he chose him to serve him. So that I can see those fine qualities too. Because face it, sometimes from a distance, it is hard to see them sometimes.
I loved spending time with my family. I have a brother and a sister. I live in Virginia and my extended family lives in New Jersey. I would usually visit them every few years. I haven't seen them since the accident. Like i told you about my family, when I was a teenager, I waited on them hand and foot. That extended to my older brother and younger sister. So they seen me as a caregiver. I would go and visit them regularly, like every few months. I was like a parent to my sister and she feelis lke I raised her. Every time one ot them got sick or had a procedure done, I would take off work and drive over a hundred miles to be with them. They liked being babied and cooked for when I came. When I had my accident and my foot came off most of the way, my wife called my brother. He came to the hospital. it was a good distace. i will always remember his words. He said, "you made it sound real bad on the phone'. Out of my eight surgeries, only he came to visit me twice. Nothing was ever sent. I would always call them every two weeks. They would seem bothered but I liked keeping up with them. I felt like it was my job to keep them together. A few years ago, after realizing that they have probably called me eight times each out of twenty years, I stopped. I wondered if they ever missed me. And the answer was yes. They just took me for granted. Once I stopped being able to be there for them and stopped calling, after a year, they started calling and this past year, I got my first visit from my brother. I use to be the one who would always go to him. It made me feel special. So I miss them. I shouldn't have done what I did. I shouldn't have looked for what I would get in return. It is all about giving. I had joy about giving. It was just difficult when I was disabled and couldn't give anymore. They had suggested I was not fighting strong enough to get back on my feet again. Like I can will it away. It is a thinking they got from my dad.
So this is the life I miss. I just have been thinking about it more than usual. Funny, it is not depressing me. I just miss it. You know what i mean? I wish I could have it back. But I need to be humble and be happy for the time I had it. Some people have never had it.