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I need to vent off a little.....

Nov 17, 2016 6:04 AM

I'm sorry but I just need to vent and I'll apologise now for my spelling and grammar I'm just too tired to care atm!

Most people I know don't suffer with chronic pain or anxiety and depression but I know one person he has perferrated and slipped discs and he had cancer in his bladder which was cut out last year. He went into severe depression last Christmas because of all the pain and his girlfriend left him along with several other reasons and over that time I was messaging him everyday to find out how he was, I talked him thro many panic attacks and talked him out of taking too many tablets and if he ignored me I'd call my uncle who is one of his best mates to check on him as I live over an hours drive away plus I've got my two kids to look after and they are my priority.
Since then I convinced him to go to the doctors to get medication etc.... and there have been times that he's started to slip backwards and I've talked him round to going back to the doctors etc....
There's been time that I've needed help and he's come over like when I had a flat tyre and he's helped me cut the garden back. All thro the year he's said if it wasn't for me he'd no longer be here and I've told him I've only done what I would do for any friend in need. We talk a lot so he knows that I'm in a really bad place at the moment and I've been a bit snappy, unfortunately I can't help it sometimes I'm in soo much pain, I'm so frustrated with my completely irrational an exit and I'm so so so tired. He messaged earlier in the week asking how I am, I was a bit snappy and replied "in pain, anxiety high and absolutely knackered, what's new" and his reply was "sainsburys have a special offer on a new chill pill" this made me upset and I responded that I had never said anything like that to him so why the f*#@ respond like that, why brush me off? His response was that he'll leave me alone for a while to give me time to calm down and he hasn't messaged me since. Now I feel that the one person who I've told how I feel probably as much as I've told the doctors has let me down, I've messaged him a couple to say hi and he's read them but not responded.
It feels like now that he's getting back on track....he's on meds that seem to be helping him he's gone back to his girlfriend and started to get back to his normal social life he doesn't want to be there for me.....don't get me wrong I happy he's getting back to his self but it would be nice to have him say it's ok, you'll work it out and if I'm really bad and need someone to listen and understand not anything else no words just to listen.

I just feel soo tired, so so so very tired and I just want to go to sleep and not feel anything not struggle not have to battle my way thro everything and not have to constantly have to fight to do even the simplest tasks. I just want to shutdown

Nov 17, 2016 9:52 AM

I'm sorry he did that to you. Listening and sending hugs from afar.💜

Nov 17, 2016 10:05 AM

You are a kind and thoughtful person ... That's a rare quality as I'm discovering ... Like common sense .
You lived to your values and morals and did the right thing by him. He's a wanker (correct term?)
.. Remember men cope differently and maybe you remind him how low he got .. Who knows!
I'm sorry he's let you down and hurt you. It is completely undeserved.
Thinking of you ... Hugs!

Nov 17, 2016 11:16 AM

Thank you both soo much, I didn't know where else I could vent, it's just this flair....the pain and anxiety have both been so high for a long time now and it's just wearing me down....I feel completely empty, no spoons at all like I'm just hollow. All I'm doing is going thro the motions for my kids and that's all I've got left

Nov 17, 2016 3:26 PM

Sezzy, sometimes just going through the motions is all we've got the ability to do. And that ok! Currently in right there with you, just going through the motions. I'm sorry your friend wasn't able to show you the support you showed him. His idea of saying something to cheer you up was clearly not what I would have wanted to hear. But many people handle things much differently than others. Maybe just give him some time & space.

You dear lady are so caring about others. But right now you needed to focus on caring for yourself. Try to figure out what's bothering you, keeping you snappy. Then see if there is anything you can do to change it, or how you respond to it. You are in my thoughts with love, hugs, & prayers! 🙂💕🙏🌸

Nov 17, 2016 3:54 PM

Thank you Flappys, I've always been a care giver and I do get great joy helping people and I'm also one of those people would rather give a present than receive one.
I know he deals with things differently and I know he was probably trying to cheer me up and I know I snapped, I've been doing it a bit more lately. I did message him apologising for being snappy after I had posted because once I saw it written I could think a little more clearly about it, and he messaged back apologising that he didn't respond well. So
My kids seem to know and they either send me to bed (me to bed when I'm their mum!!! Lol) or they ask me if I need one of my lidocaine plasters as I've normally taken my tablets as most of them are slow release. Jo's psychologist has actually helped Jo tremendously with that and we all keep reinforcing the fact if I have the plaster it helps control the pain so I'm a lot less likely to go to hospital so that's another worry eased (only one billion more to go!!).

After all the tears and feeling like I'd broke last week that's slowly turned in to this emptiness, hollowed out feelings I'm back to the doctors tomorrow morning. All I think she's going to is tell me to persevere things take time to come together 😕

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