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I'm an awful daughter

Jun 06, 2016 7:36 PM

So for the last several years I've bought flowers for my mom for mothers day. I knew that my grandma has some flower allergies and my brother too, but I didn't know my mom is allergic to flowers. She would always say they were pretty (I tried to always get her favorite colour) and gave me a hug. I don't recall her telling me she was allergic but maybe I just forgot.
This year my boyfriend and I were out of town for mothers day, and she just moved into her own house so we got a mixed basket and a pansy basket for mothers day and house warming a week ago. I got a text this evening saying that I had to come get the flowers because they are making her really sick. I'm at work and work evenings this week so I wouldn't make it until the weekend, so she was going to get her ex to bring them over to my place. That's a half hour drive for a couple flowers. Not worth it in my opinion. I hope I convinced her to give them to a friend or throw then out.
She said that when she lived with him she could put them farther from the house and he took care of them so that she wouldn't get sick.
I feel bad for making her ill. I feel bad for not knowing something I should have. I feel like an awful daughter, but that's probably because I am.
Apparently I'm using this forum as therapy. Sorry.

Jun 06, 2016 9:33 PM

Gotobef, don't beat yourself up. If you didn't know it was an accident. Heck, I don't know everything about my parents health. And I'm certain my kids don't know everything about mine. Next time, send her a bouquet of candy, unless she can't eat it off course.😉 Hugs!!!🙂💕🙏🌼

Jun 06, 2016 10:26 PM

Gotobef, one thing you are NOT is an aweful daughter!!!! You've never been given the information that your Mom's ex took care of the flowers so they wouldn't make her sick. That's not something that you would forget!!! You are a wonderful daughter to have thought of your Mom whilst you were away and getting the flowers to her for Mother's Day and also for a housewarming gift. Please don't beat yourself up. You obviously love your Mother dearly and now that you know, you won't be sending her any more flowers. She could have simply said thank you, they're lovely and then explained to you at a later date that she's allergic to flowers and to please not send her any more. (Perhaps you could have a beautiful silk arrangement put together that she could put on the table in Spring and she would have them forever!! Just a thought. Sending you gentle {{{Hugs}}} and prayers that you go easy on yourself and have a better day!! 💕🙏🏻🌻😊

Jun 06, 2016 10:54 PM

Thanks guys. I just feel like I can't do anything right with her.
Took her for dinner on her birthday, she ordered a very small item because she wasn't hungry and was afraid of gluten contamination, then ate everyone else's meals. But food is bad so that's out.
Tried to help her move and was told to clean the house as they were moving things in, was told not to bring my own cleaning supplies because she has lots and then got looks when i brought my own because chemicals are not my friends.
Was going to start unpacking her kitchen for her so it wasn't so overwhelming later (not a single box was labeled and she has a lot of stuff) and was told that I wouldn't do it right so I wasn't to touch anything and to go clean the bathrooms since I was done cleaning the kitchen. The amount of crap she has and work she needs to do has her overwhelmed and depressed so she had done nothing more than bare minimum, but I'll do it wrong so I can't help any more than moving a few bookshelves and that was only because my boyfriend pushed and pushed until she gave him something to do when we visited.
Now I find out about the flowers after giving them to her for years. But instead of giving them to a friend and saying later that she would like something not plants she tells me that i have to come get them because she can't handle it any more.
I don't know, just can't do anything right.
Thanks for your support
I know that i really need to work on my self image and self esteem and self everything

Jun 07, 2016 7:18 AM

Hon, you don't have to work on anything!! You're just fine. When all of those things are put upon you by your own Mother, it stands to reason that you'd feel like you couldn't do anything right. I'm so sorry that she has done that to you. I wish she knew how wonderful you are and how caring and how even through your own suffering, you're here for everyone else. You're a good person with a good heart. I know it's easier said than done but you can't let her put her idiosyncrasies into you. She feels she's the only one who can do her stuff correctly. It's not a matter of right or wrong, it's just that you're not doing things HER way. Hang in there. Know we're all here for you.{{{Hugs}}}💕🙏🏻🌻😊

Jun 07, 2016 1:10 PM

Hi Hun, my mother makes me feel exactly the same way, I try and please her but there is always a but , and a winge and gripe. I try to reason in my head that she my mother is still alive when so many of my friends have lost there's so make the effort. But it hurts every time, I will never please her, so I'll just keep trying. Hugs and keep strong.

Jun 07, 2016 7:33 PM

I have a really bad tension headache and all the work my acupuncturist did on my shoulders had been undone because I let her stress me out.
I really wish I didn't take things so personally and let them upset me.

Jun 08, 2016 8:35 AM

Gotobef I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I take everything to heart myself. I feel like things are always my fault and that when things go wrong I must have done something to cause it. I try my very best to help everyone I can and it seems with some people it's never enough. Hang in there. I'm here if you need to chat and know that you're in my prayers. {{{Hugs}}}💕🙏🏻🌻😊

Jun 08, 2016 11:34 AM

Hi gotobef,
You're the "good guy" here. Your mom, as wonderful as she may be, has issues. I'm sure she loves you. Sometimes moms are less than perfect. I know, I am one.

Here's what I might have done with my own mom. After this current stress passed, I'd sit down calmly and say something like, "Mom, I love you and I know you love me. I need to explain something about myself and I have a question..." Then explain my feelings and try to learn about hers. Then, in a way that works for you, I'd ask her to kindly, knock it off!

My mom was such a key person in my life that what she thought of me had special meaning. Everything she said was amplified. She died 19 years ago but she's still in my head.

My thought is: Try to improve your relationship with your mom asap, as much as you can, so you're not left with regrets that you later have no way to fix.

Best, best, very best hopes for you.

Jun 08, 2016 1:07 PM

Autoimmunes I think it's a lost cause at this point. She isn't going to change how she treats me or talks to me. It's been going in for years and every time I talk to her about it is ok for a few months then right back to not good.
After my parents got divorced my brother stayed with my dad and my mom moved into the sketchiest apartment in the sketchiest neighbourhood. She never vacuumed the carpet and bought a used mattress and expected my brother to want to stay with her. She kept calling me saying she was going to kill herself because he asked to go home. Then she was transient for a while, between friends houses and apartments and moving without telling anyone then she'd say she was going to kill herself and then not answer her phone. I was getting phone calls from my grandmother who was worried about mom asking if i knew where she was, and when we finally got ahold of her i told her that i can't keep being everyones point of contact for her and that she needed to keep in contact with them. Somehow out of that she convinced my grandmother that she wasn't allowed to call me about anything and that i hated my grandmother, which i found out about when i called to say happy birthday to grandma and she started bawling saying she thought i hated her.
Then she had to tell me all about my dad's affair with her neighbour, which is not something you tell your daughter. They are divorced, him cheating on his girlfriend is not her business or mine.
And then just before Christmas she was telling me how she was going to leave her boyfriend because he didn't have sex with her enough (way too much info) but she wasn't leaving until after Christmas so I had to keep it quiet.
Each of these big events we have had talks and fights about what she says to me and how she treats me and the fact that im not her sister. Nothing has changed and it's been well over 10 years.
I have to learn to change how i react.
That's the only thing that can change

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