Man, have I missed you all. So much has been going on. I am so sorry that I have been away and not checking in. Things have been really crazy but I should have made time for you guys too. But there were just so many times that I truly couldn't move my arm at all. Even that is a poor excuse, because I do use voice dictation a lot. But I end up having to use my arm quite a few times because to edit its mistakes. I am using my iPad and I don't know where to go to learn the voice commands to dictate corrections. This will.really help me when Aar. Is flaring up. On the pain scale, I think I have mentioned, it is an 8. When I had an accident 16 years ago, I fell 20 feet off a ladder and my foot came off. That was a nine so you can imagine. I don't know about you all, but I have never been able to give my pain a ten. I know this is silly. But, in my mind, if you imagine that there can be more pains then what you are feeling, than you can't put a ten. I am just saying that for myself. It is just my little weird thought I have. I have a lot of them.
So about where I have been. Wow, what a privilege to be a topic.! Thanks guys for thinking about me. You were correct I did come home from the ER visit. And it was an ordeal. They basically said there was nothing they can do. Then about two nights ago, I had to make another ER visit because The lumps removed from my muscles to below my skin. It wasn't just a few bumps, it was hundreds of bums under my skin and my arm. Everything seems to be on the right side. But the bumps stay very small when I am in pain at a scale of three or four. But when they get larger, my pain level gets to an eight. At that point, I have to put my arm on a very very soft pillow. Then I cannot move my arm at all. Any movement makes the lumps shooting pain up and down my arm. So the ER visits that I went to the other night, they did an ultrasound look at my muscle. They said it looked normal. I really did not understand because whenever it started to shrink (the nodules) on the muscle, they left these holes in my myusxle that.were Big enough for me to fit my largest finger through several.very painful holes in the muscle. So they said whatever it is, it is not life threatening. So they were not.going to run any other test. They said I need to see my PC. I told them she is out of town for two weeks. They said I should be alright til then. That is when I lost my cool. I reverted to the evil person I truly am. I told them I said I know you have to be somewhat smart to be in school and become a doctor. Why is it that out of the half hour that we have had our discussion, you have not had the ability to comprehend that I am in horrendous pain. I have explained to you and have said at least four times.that on a pain scale, my pain is an eight. If we are talking about the same scale, there is only two more left to ten, on a ten point scale. I feel that description should strongly suggest to you that it is not possible for me to wait two weeks to find out what it is. They just said that there was nothing they could do. They.knew I was taking narcotics, so I let them know that I would not allow them to give me any more. That I was looking for a nerve anti-inflammatory. Because Geodone wasn't working.
So a few days later, I go and see the doctor who is covering for my doctor. I had two problems.with him. One, he was dumb. He didn't pay attention. I would explain in detail what was going on with me. Then he would ask me questions. The ones he would ask had nothing to do with the facts I told him. He would try to see if he understood me correctly. Then he would use wrong parts of the facts. I am not surpRaised if he has not killed anyone yet by malpractice. So he said whenever I get a flair up, take a Benadryl. I told him that I think PEZ would work better. 😡😊 So then he ask. Is there anything else? I ask him if he can recommend to a doctor who is qualified to instead of just listening to what I say is wrong with me, would possibly do an examination, run some blood work, run some test. Then he ask me what bloodwork and test do you want me to run? I told me if I knew. I would have done a little research and that I definitely would have known what test I would have to do.
I know this is a long story guys. I am so sorry but I am wrapping it up soon. So after that doctor visit, I went home sad and depressed and in a lot of pain. As soon as I was leaving the doctors office, I couldn't hold back my tears. I never cry. My pain and despair over this situation was just too much for me to hands at that moment. Oh, the other reason I didn't like the doctor was because he was a man. Isn't that funny. I am a man but I prefer a woman doctor over a male. I don't think any gender is smarter. It goes per person. But I think women are smart and empathetic and know how to communicate better. But as I was saying. I was so sad and I felt hopeless. I didn't feel that I can continue to live with the enormous pain without at least knowing what I am dealing with. Let me at least know that something terrible is not going to happen.
I don't know if any of you can relate out there. I know I am not special or unique in my suffering. And I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am just relating a part of myself and sharing it with others. But with the pain, depression, fatique. I feel dead already. I feel like I am just there is nothing good or useful left in me. I am numb. When I left the doctors office the other day and I was crying, I was so sad. But hours later, it made me smile. I was happy I felt something. I don't feel like I feel anything when it comes to myself. This life of pain is wiping me slowly out of existence. I use to have so many friends. People use to seek me out. Now, I haven't heard from them in five years. I know I could call. But I haven't left the house. I don't do anything. What do I have to offer to a normal friendship? I know this is depressingly, but at times I think if I die, no one. No one would come to my funeral.
But on the positive side, there is one. Wa kkł