Learn from patients with pain similar to yours

CatchMyPain Community and Pain Diary App to manage chronic illness

I'm stuck so bad... I need HELP!!!

Apr 28, 2017 1:44 AM

I'm married with teenagers. A horrific car wreck in 2009 has left me broken and busted up and with brain injuries. I'm on permanent disability. My wife now has become my cargiver. We are trying to live off my disability check. But it's not working out with medical bills pulling up. Were in serious debt now. If I die, no more money comes in and there left with a huge debt still to pay.

My wife has informed me a month ago she no longer loves me as of 3 years ago. But stays with me because there's nobody else to take care of me. I'm crushed emotionally and mentally. Now I have to sleep in the same bed and put on a dog and pony show everyday as a happy couple. I sleep next to the woman I love and find the most beautiful woman in the world and I can't. Be intemen with her or make love to her or see her naked any more. Were just friends now. The kids don't know either.

I'm dieing doing this everyday. Its killing me. I want to just dissappear in the night and never heard from again. I only stay for my kids. I love them so much. I want to be there for them. No judge would grant custody to a disabled. Person who has seizures and Mini-Strokes. And other serious medical problems.

I don't know what to do... I cry everyday in the shower so nobody sees my tears.

You can pm me if you feel you need to.

Apr 28, 2017 8:28 AM

Overcomer. Are you not eligible for Medicare and Medicaide to help with the medical bills and prrhaps to have a respite care giver a few times a week to give your wife a break?

Have you considered doing a joint counseling to help you both through this rough spot?

Is there a job either of you could do from home? Flexjob.com is one of a few reputable companies that can help connect you with legitimate jobs.

Am so sorry for the struggles you and your family are enduring. I wish i had an answer for you. Not sure what state you live in - I used to be a home health nurse in Minnesota and social services often provided case workers to those who were disabled to help them with finding all available resources. There was also an agency called Freedom that was a non profit group set up to help anyone with disabilities to.work through finding relief whether it be medical or lawyers or every day issues. Do you have an advocate working with you?

Apr 28, 2017 8:31 AM

Overcome, I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I wish I had had some advice to give you, other than don't give up. My story is long but since 2010, due to my medical issues my hubby and I can't be intimate either. But there is more to marriage than sexual intimacy. Try talking to find out why she feel out of love with you. Is it something couple counseling could help you both get through and rebuild your relationship? You should have counseling for yourself; many of us here do, including me. I'm sending you gentle hugs of compassion, love & prayers, that you find a way to get through this and rebuild your life. The struggle will be heard but your kids need you. 😊💓🌼

Apr 28, 2017 8:42 AM

Gosh your post breaks my heart! The above suggestions are spot on. There has to be some sort of help you can get. Please please check into it. Your kids DO need you And there can be reconciliation for marriages. It's a lot of work but it can be done. I've done it myself. I know when I started doing a little foot work into looking for help instead of just worrying and feeling stuck it helped. I felt I was at least doing something positive and trying to change things. Hang in there. Pray and don't lose hope. I will keep you in my daily prayers. 👍🙏🙏🙏🙏

Apr 28, 2017 9:50 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I will pray for you and your family. Like Flappy said, there is more to a marriage than sexual intimacy. Counseling can help, and communication is so important. I hope you and your wife are able to work through this. And like the above post said, if she's not willing to try couples counseling you would still benefit from going for yourself. So many people need to talk to someone like a counselor, don't ever feel bad about needing counseling. It's nothing to be self conscious about.

Apr 28, 2017 9:52 AM

In fact I totally respect those that seek help because they know they can't do it on their own and are not deluded that they can. Gods blessings to you.

Apr 28, 2017 12:16 PM

Dear all. Thank you for all your prayers and encouragement. I have been in counseling weekly since the accident. I tried to get her to go to couples counceling and she went once like 3 years ago I think. I asked her again now she said no. I asked her if we go to a new counselor then mine she said no. I asked her if she wanted to sit down with her pysodo parents that are Christians like us that have been married over 50 years... no. She is convinced and set hearted.

I'm on Medicare but there still deductibles to be met. Also have existed some doctor specialest in the area and have to go farther and farther out to 90-120 minute drives to get proper help. Fuel and everything adds up fast. Plus some off the bills are 8 years old before disability racking up higher and higher. Try to pay them. We don't eat or no electricity. You know the game. I need electricity for my oxygen condenser and CPAP and nebulizer.

Some meds I need medicare will not cover and there the only ones out there! Also low vitamin levels like vitamin D, magnesium, niacin to name a few. Medicare won't pay for and the doctors are hounding me take more my Levesque are to low and causing such and such problems.

I'm trying to talk and communicate with her. It's been difficult. It's always "now isn't a good time".

I can't blame her that she fell out of love. I think it's 78% of couples where one sustains a tramatic brain injury results in divorce. She marred me never thinking she would go from a husband and wife to caregiver and patient. She's not good with medical issues at all.

As for me working. I never know when an attack will happen and go down. I carry oxygen and a bag full of medical vital signs instruments and then some more. Also half a pharmacy science I'm on 32 daily meds and 14 as needed meds for different attacks or issues. Some days I can't remember my phone number or address (been here 7 years).

My wife takes care of me. With my 19 doctors.... yes 19 different doctors. We had so many problems with the kids in school and doctors running late and had to skip appointments and wait months again. So we home school now. So she dose that. She used to do accounting books. Trying to get her to pick up some clients to do books at home but no luck yet.

At this point we have to declare Chapter 7. Complete bankruptcy. Trying to find a layer to do pro Bono or really reduced rate for my disability status.

I feel making love is foreplay and the act itself. Intimacy to me is snuggling, holding hands, hugging, French kiss, leaning on one or the other watching a movie, playing with there hair during a movie, back/shoulder/foot rub now and again. You no stuff couples do. Not stuff friends do. We have had neither in years ( plural)

I'm sorry if this sounds wrong (maybe because I'm a man) please think about it if your a woman with a male nurse. How would you feel sleeping with your nurse of the opposite sex in your bed every night? Knowing that they will see you naked at times falling in the shower and needing help. Or having a seizure and loose bladder control and undress you to get you into a shower. Even after 13 years of marriage I'm starting to get shy now with my wife seeing me naked under those circumstances.

Please keep praying. I do appreciate it. Schedualing time with my pastor to talk here soon for more help as well.

Oh sorry as for home nurse aid help. I am not "disabled enough " to qualify for that service is what medicare has told me. I'm fighting it with an appeal. But will take a while. Can get 3 days a week 8 hours a day max benefits. I have called for the "Freedom" here in my state. It's no longer done. Only in Hospice. I have a State Health Care Advocate but they only seam to want to help if you want training to get back into the work force. Trying to get my "allowed " medicare case worker but getting a big run around on that on. Not making it easy.

I'm burnt out trying to do all of it. I forget so much and kinda have to restart again. It sucks.

Apr 28, 2017 8:09 PM


Just a few links I found via Google.

I presume that you live in USA - I don't.

Sorry to hear, that family around you is very very .... very tired.

You and your family need emergently help - in many ways.

My mum went completely down psychologicaly, because she nursed my dying farther for more than 3 years - 24/7 365 days a year. 😨😨😨😨😨

She refused help from external nurse/homekeeper - for free (OK ok, we pay this via tax)

The links are for inspiration - google 😊

And you are not the only one in this situation - thousands are!








Apr 29, 2017 2:43 AM

I'm sorry about your mom and dad Leo61.

Thank you for the information and links. Will defiantly look into them. Thank you so much.

Ready to start relieving your pain?

Join Community