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In pain and feeling hopeless/alone

Jan 31, 2016 12:45 AM

I am having a really tough night. I have neck problems with 3 fusion at C 2/3, 4/5, 5/6. And recently new Dr says cervical dystopia ( not sure of the spelling), and have had difficulties for the past 8yrs.
Right now I am just feeling very sad, hopeless and alone. I am so tired of hurting, and trying to explain it to Dr'sand staff that treat you awful!!! I feel like a shell of a person. I'm sorry I don't mean to complain and be like this, I just hope they is someone that can understand and have some compassionate words of wisdom that they could share.
Thank you for letting me share.

Jan 31, 2016 2:28 AM

Dear Boho, I don't know exactly how you feel but I understand. Sometimes when we are consumed with pain and medical problems, we tend to lose ourselves and what made us tick. We do feel like a shell as you stated. The body without emotion. At some points, with all the medication I would be on, I would find a movie that was really sad so that it would make me cry. I know that sounds odd but I wanted to prove that I was still human with emotions because I felt like I didn't have any anymore.

I am so sorry that you are feeling sad. It is such an empty type of sadness when I felt it with these type of feelings. When I tried to logically figure out a way to help myself, I came up with a useful idea. I realize logic isn't useful when you are feeling emotional but this is when you are feeling a little better. I found it useful to go back in time to before my bad health started or when things were not so limiting for others. Try to remember who you were at your core. What type of person you were. Did you call your friends? Did you send out cards or write letters? Especially think of the things you did that you can do now? Then try to remember your gifts. Are you a good writer, poetry, ect.? Do you like art, drawing painting? Just think of those things to recall that person back to fill that she'll you fill up. It helped me. Don't get me wrong. I have a lot of times where I just watch tv but I have it available to me.

But do know that a lot of us can identify with that feeling at some point. It wouldn't surprise me if all of us have had from time to time. But the level of depression is what differs. Share any time. I hope I have helped and not made it worse.

Jan 31, 2016 4:22 AM

No - you did not make it worse at all!!! Thank you so vary much! Just knowing they is someone out there that understands. I use to be such a happy, easy going, active person that always tried to lift people up. But after the past 8 years of physical therapy and two more surgeries I am still in excruciating pain and I can't walk and they don't know why. I got to the point were I gave up on Dr's and moved to the beach - I thought well if they can't help me maybe the ocean can. - but I have trouble getting to the walking to the water through the sand. My family is tired and they are having trouble understanding, my son feels resentful that he has a single mom and one that can't do what all his friends parent do, which breaks my heart! I use to be the fun mom when he was younger and my daughter was still living at home, not anymore. Sorry I'm rambling.
I taught myself how to knit, paint, make jewlery, zen doodle, meditate you name it. Now I find myself only able to sit and watch TV or I'll end up in unmanageable pain, sitting in my bed unable to sleep cry and feeling sorry for myself, like tonight.
Thank you sooo very much for reach out to me tonight!!! I hope you realize how much you help me! Thank you!!!

Jan 31, 2016 5:28 AM

What is everyone doing up so late/early?? I haven't been to bed yet... Still up and stressed and in horrible pain. I guess that's why I can't sleep. Sending everyone well wishes, love, {{{Hugs}}} and prayers that you've had a better night than myself.. πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»πŸ˜

Jan 31, 2016 2:32 PM

Thank you - it was the same for me - up, stressed, and in pain. I finally fell asleep around 5am. Pain stinks!!!

Jan 31, 2016 2:43 PM

Welcome bohobeachmom... I'm sorry your feeling so down
Hopefully by now ur feeling a bit better. Being in constant pain can pull u into a very dark place. But just know ur not alone. We r here for you and with you.

Jan 31, 2016 3:00 PM

Thank you!!! I wish I would have reached out years ago!

Jan 31, 2016 3:08 PM

All that matters is your here now.. Now u have a safe place to vent and be who u r.

Jan 31, 2016 8:48 PM

Bohobeachmom, I don't have the cervical dystonia, but I've had 2 fusions from C4 through C7 with a titanium plate & 5 screws. Now C2-3 & C7-T2 are going bad, but they won't do surgery for fear of paralyzing me. And I have issues Ali the way down my spine, among other chronic issues.

You aren't just a shell of a person. Profiler's suggestion is really awesome, something I've never even thought to do. We aren't physically who we use to be, but we are still emotionally & spiritually. We just have to find a way to find ourselves again. I've made it a habit to take everything one day at a time, and when I need to take it easy I do. You're in my prayers and I'm sending you hugs, & love!

And thanks for your suggestion Profiler! Hugs, live, & prayers to you too!

Jan 31, 2016 9:07 PM

Welcome Bohobeachmom!! Welcome to our community family. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Know that your have found a really safe forum with awesome, caring, understanding and loving people. You can get what you need to off your chest here and there are no judgements. We're here to embrace one another and pull each other through these bad times. We also celebrate small victories and accomplished goals, etc. Know that no matter the hour, there will always be someone around to run to hour side (or at least toddle quickly.. LOL!!😳). We all have the utmost respect for each other and we share information, advise, hugs and prayers. I hope that you find the compassion, support and information you need being here with us. Oh, btw, I'm 50 years young, off my rocker in the head and have been in pain for 22 years. I've had 29 surgeries that I remember (not including little office things), and have been diagnosed with a laundry list of diseases and syndromes that is as long as my arm. Fibro, DDD, DJD, TMJ, cervical spondalytic myelopathy, scoliosis, lordosis, long thoracic nerve palsy, Costochondritis, SI Joint disfunction with fractures, hypothyroidism, Graves' disease, bilateral valgus deformities of the knees, spinal spondylosis, RSD/CRPS, among other crap I can't remember right now: all in all, enough to keep me in pain an 8 on the charts at almost all times. It is what it is... I distract myself by reading, coloring, getting lost in music, dancing, singing, playing with my ferret, etc.. The thing that helped me most is coming here and taking care of my peeps. I have formed many tight bonds and forever friendships here in this wonderful community. I hope you settle in, catch up on some reading so you can get to know us and once again, welcome aboard!! Gentle {{{{Hugs}}}} and prayers for a restful night and a better day tomorrow. πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»πŸ˜Š

Jan 31, 2016 9:09 PM

Flappsy, how are you feeling my friend?? How is your mouth coming along?? Better I hope! You've been on my mind all day (what's left of it after not sleeping since Friday😝). Sending you some gentle {{{Hugs}}} and prayers that you're feeling better than you were. πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»πŸ˜

Jan 31, 2016 9:27 PM

AlwayZ I'm better as far as the blisters go, they're gone. Now I have dry cotton org and really bad fatigue. Just playing with the dog 2 minutes and I'm done in. In general I feel better than the past 2 days. Since I started the Plaquenil I have noticed my flared are not as long, so hopefully another day or two and I'll be on the upswing. Hugs & prayers for you too my friend! πŸ™‚πŸ™πŸ’•πŸŒΌ

Jan 31, 2016 9:34 PM

Flappsy, great news!! I'm glad you're better. A little better is better than a little worse. It's good to know that your mouth blisters went away.. That cotton mouth is rough.. I have that right now snd I'm drinking and drinking. If I get any sleep at all, it will be disturbed to get up and pee. Being on the upswing is always a good place to be. Lots of love, prayers and {{{Hugs}}} πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ»πŸŒ»πŸ˜Š

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