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Is it possible to morn something you never had.

Nov 13, 2015 9:57 AM

Hi all. Most of u already know my story and what I've been dealing with. However the most recent issue is my ability to have children. I'm having to make the choice to either live with or try to medicate the numerous tumors in my abdomen and uteru and now also near my bladder. Or to have a full hysterectomy and have all the tumors removed. I am currently in recovery from a surgery to remove what I though was 10 tumors but once they got in it was discovered I had a lot more then they thought and they were in very dangerous life threatening places.
So now I'm thinking about how I had so many y plans for my life career and family. I love children and was so excited about the time I would be able to have my own. But now I am forced to decide to close that door of children and live a life without my own children. My boyfriend has two kids and he has been so great not pressing and being supportive . he says that I've got two kids by helping him raise his daughters. And I love him for tthat. But its still something in me that is not satisfied with that.
I know on the surface its really no choice to make . remove the thing that could kill you and live your life. It I can't help but feel a loss with the idea of not being able to have children. I'm only 37 and feel I still have time. This is a hard spot to be in. Which way do you go? What do you do?/how do you choice?

Nov 13, 2015 10:58 AM

Yes sweetie it is. I'm so sorry & my heart goes out to u! Hugs

Nov 13, 2015 11:29 AM

It is a tough descision and a very personal one.

As I am not familiar with your finances I would ask if you have the means to harvest ova for a surrogate. With such issues that would be my first thought.

Is it possible to mourn something you never had? You are asking the wrong question. You are asking if you can mourn the loss of a desire, a dream, a want. The answer is you bet, of course and sadly that is the case.

If you have the coverage or money I would suggest a councilor to help you deal with the whirlwind of emmotions you have and will have.

My thoughts are with you.

Nov 13, 2015 2:10 PM

Thank you trtbaker I appropriate it.

Thank you shammagren. That option has been given to me. I've actually never given it any thought. But now I suppose I will see if its a possibility for me. I appreciate your prayers

Nov 13, 2015 9:00 PM

I'm so sorry you're having to make this choice. Have you considered a surrogate, like Shammagren suggested? It wouldn't be exactly the same experience, but maybe you could participate in all the pregnancy.

I'm not sure what to tell you, as it's a very personal decision. I would advise counseling as well, with someone unbiased, so they can help you choose the best decision for yourself.

My daughter has had many problems and recently said she won't likely ever have a baby. But she helps raise her boyfriend's kids. She's come to terms with it on her own. (((Hugs))) & prayers for you to get the support to make your decision. 🙏🌼

Nov 14, 2015 2:05 PM

Thank you flappys.I think part of me feels if I go with the surgery I'll be giving up on GOD being able to heal me. Maybe I'm being religious about the whole thing. Because the fact is the chances of me getting pregnant with the tumors in place is impossible. But it still hurts and im getting tired of always just.accepting things that gonwrong in my life and nkt expressing my feelings a d hurt about it. That's one reason I love this group.

Nov 14, 2015 2:13 PM

This is a question that honestly only you can answer and yes you can mourn something you never had I think you have to search what you feel you need as of having to give birth to be a mom no you don't I did have the lecture he of having children but also stepchildren and I can tell you I love them as if they were my very own

Nov 14, 2015 2:17 PM

I can agree maturemom I have stepchildren in a way too.. I say in a way because I'm not married yet but I've been dating there father since the kids were 6 moths and 4 years old. Now they r 12 and 7 so its been a while. Lol. However your right I'm gonna have to really think on this.

Nov 14, 2015 2:28 PM

Absolutely yes. I'm 15, and Mourn that I too may never have a family, which becomes more depressing the older I get. The other thing I mourn is never having a childhood, and being extremely awkward.
It's a hard decision, I raise that. My mom and aunt have both had surgeries because of tumors, and my aunt was saving to adopt, until she needed an emergency surgery that cost her whole savings.

Nov 14, 2015 8:44 PM

Lots an awful place to be. To have to make such decisions and be in constant pain.

Nov 15, 2015 3:19 AM

I'm sorry for your pain. You talked about God healing you..have you prayed to Him for help in making your decisions about having the surgery? You can also pray for help in getting to a place of acceptance and clarity.
Also, you could make a tremendous difference in the lives of your boyfriend's children. Throw yourself into that and think of them as your own and how you would feel if they came right from you. Find passion in being their mom.
How old are the children, and how long have they been in your life?

Nov 15, 2015 3:35 PM

Thank you susieq I've been with them for right years. I do feel as if they are mine children. And I feel they they think of me as one of the moms. You are right about praying for acceptance. Honestly I've not prayed for that specifically. But I have prayed for guidance. Thank you for your words of comfort and reminding me of the life I do have. I had gotten so focused on what I was lossing I forgot about what I already had. . thank you.

Nov 15, 2015 4:37 PM

New, let me say my heart goes out to you. And in answer to your question, yes it is Possible to morn something you never had. When I was 21, I made the stupidest decision of my life. I had my tubes tied and didn't think anything else about it. However, the older I get and the more mothers I see with infants and toddlers, the more I yearn to be a mom and to have kids of my own. Unfortunately, for me that will never happen Based on my medical condition. At times I just try to push it to the side and go on, but there will always be that desire. I know it's not exactly the same, but I do understand where you are coming from. And no, you are not giving up on God with whatever decision you decide to make. If I was given that option right now, I'm not quite sure what I would do. I know it might come to that at some point, but I'm at peace with it. Sorry to be so long winded. Hope this helps somewhat.

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