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is this really forever?

Dec 16, 2015 8:31 PM

Discouraged and exhausted. Haven't done my pain diary in a couple of days even. I just can't wrap my head around this. If it's forever, why bother, why try? I keep thinking, if I was someone's beloved pet, they'd have put me down by now. I know it's apples and oranges, more evolved, higher consciousness blah blah etc. But I keep coming back to that question... Is this really worth getting up every morning?

Dec 16, 2015 9:44 PM

It's hard not to feel that way, but you have to think that there are good days. There are people you love and that love you. There are things to look forward to in life. Favorite shows, favorite movies... newer things just on the horizon. That's what keeps me going.

Dec 16, 2015 9:46 PM

I feel that way sometimes myself. It's been hard to shake it off the last few days. Maybe it's just the holidays 😞

Dec 17, 2015 3:50 AM

I just am so tired. I don't want to hurt anyone by doing anything permanent, but I'm hurting, why doesn't that feel like it matters? I'm just so exhausted and tired of being in pain that never ever ends. I'm sorry I'm being Debbie downer, just can't say these things out loud or ppl think you're going to off yourself even though you're just venting. Thank youguys for making me feel safe enough to let it out before it eats me alive.

Dec 17, 2015 9:28 AM

We all have those days. And it's at these low points when we are the most vulnerable. I'm having ba low day mysel so you can lean in me and I'll lean on you. Together and along with all out other friends here we will make it.

Dec 17, 2015 9:30 AM

Thank you so much, I'm glad ppl on here understand. Gentle hugs and leaning

Dec 17, 2015 10:34 AM

Phoenix, as bad as things get (and they get totally overwhelming) it's ALWAYS worth getting up in the morning. Believe me I have felt the way you do more than I care to admit but the answer is always yes. If for nothing more than to reach out and hold someone else up that is struggling and understanding from personal experience why they are. Also, no matter how bad things are, there is always beauty and joy somewhere around you if you look for it. Know that your pain family is standing by your side. You've got my hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on (just don't lean on the left one, it's raining and it hurts... LOL!!!) things will get better. (And worse and better...) Yes, the reality is that this IS our forever. We need at some point to grieve the life we've lost and the inability to do certain things so we can move forward with our "new normal". We can then be grateful for the things we actually CAN do and the good things we do have in our lives. It's all a matter of living in the moment. Since things can change with pain day to day, moment to moment, we have to do what we can while we are feeling on the better side of awful and pace ourselves. You can do this. Is it easy?? Absolutely NOT!! But it is doable. Hang in there, Phoenix.. You've got more to live for than you think. There IS joy and happiness even in this painful life that we endure. Remember two things.. God never puts more in your plate than you can handle and that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!! Sending you love, {{{Hugs}}} and prayers for a more peaceful and less painful day. 💕🙏🏻🌻

Dec 17, 2015 12:34 PM

Thank you, Alwayz. I'm just so terrified and frustrated plus all the pain and now swiftly verging on broke, which means no more meds or doctors and omg overwhelmed and I just keep wondering where does the avalanche stop? Or is it just going to keep piling on and on and on and on.... I'm losing it. And I'm scared. And so so so exhausted

Dec 17, 2015 12:45 PM

Phoenix, it's been my experience that just when you think things are not going to get better and things are piling on and you're at the end of your rope, a break comes. I don't know how, I don't know why, it just does. I wish that I could promise you the things you are fearing will not happen, but I can't. I can only offer you my support, my heart, my compassion, a hand to hold and prayers. Things will somehow get better. Try after resting to put some positive thought on it. Try to meditate and see what you want to happen and what would make things less stressful and easier for you. That has been known to impact how things turn out. Maybe you can lay down and put on some soft music and drift off? Please try to hang in there. Know that you have a lot of support here. {{{{Hugs}}}} 💕🙏🏻🌻

Dec 17, 2015 1:38 PM

I can absolutely say I understand. Some days are better than others. It has taken me many years to just try to roll with it. I am completely a very type A control my own destiny person and damn, it is hard to just give up the control. (Control is just an illusion anyway) I am still trying to find my balance of how much can I do before I have over done it and end up in bed writhing in pain. Keep fighting my fellow warriors.

Dec 17, 2015 7:14 PM

I have just read our first post and nothing else yet but I had to say omg PhoenixRising, I literally just had the same thought. I think I may have said it somewhere but I'm not sure.

If someone's pet was in as much pain and suffering as us they would be compassionate and let us go.

But because we're human, we get the pat on the head like we're faking or exaggerating, we get the 'just deal with it', or we get the 'we wouldn't want to give you enough pain meds to actually help you live'...

Dec 17, 2015 8:38 PM

It's hard sometimes to keep going. But I keep thinking of those I keep going and here. I try focus on one day at a time and not think about futyre. I also find enjoyment even ify pain is beeper than the previous day. I'm just now learning how to manage it, and figure out who and what use I am now.

Dec 17, 2015 9:02 PM

That's just it, though, Delgado. I'm not much use to anyone this way. I'm sorry. I've brought everyone down it seems. But I just can't see where I do anyone any real good. I'm not even bringing in a paycheck while my disability is suspended. BTW I did finally get confirmation that they received my appeal request and are beginning the investigative process, so please pray harder than ever. If I could just get a few of the stressors to back up a bit I could breathe and think. I just need to think and sleep.

Dec 17, 2015 10:20 PM

I cant talk to certain people because they feel that im hurting people heart actually im like to express how I feel but I shouldnt post on fb or anywhere how I feel except my husband is only one that lets me talk to him but no one else. there nothing wrong with me but there is to others in pain. i feel better if i talk it out loud but I cant do that no more. im not aloud get yelled cuss out.

Dec 17, 2015 10:27 PM

Fluff, do you have a therapist that you can talk to? Anyone who cusses or yells at you for saying how you feel, is not a true friend. I'm glad you have your husband at least. You should look into getting a therapist, or talk to a preacher or someone. If money is a problem, they have programs that help based on income etc. But you should always have someone to talk to and let it out. The ppl on here have been amazing and so supportive, I hope you know that you have friends here also. Good luck and gentle hugs

Dec 17, 2015 10:29 PM

i have decided to try this nobody will see this at all. I learned that it is time for me to find something like this to help me feel better

Dec 17, 2015 10:30 PM

i will never let anyone break my heart again in all my life it hurt me it was stupid for them cussing carry on with me way they did

Dec 17, 2015 10:34 PM

My "friends" didn't cuss me, they just disappeared. I'm not able to drop everything for them anymore so I'm not worth the effort of being around, I guess. But I've found new friends that don't look at what I can do for them as a criteria for being my friend. It hurt a lot, but I feel like I'm much better off

Dec 17, 2015 10:35 PM

yes been thru that to i left them go when i said im done im done

Dec 17, 2015 11:03 PM

Phoenix and fluff meister you are both beautiful people, and you are needed here to share your life with others that may be hurting in the near future. Who knows you may impart something you have gone through and it could absolutely turn someone's life around. I know it is hard and early on I also thought everyone would be better off without me dragging them down having to take care of me. When my whole life I was the caregiver. I started taking care of sick family when I was 16 when my Mother had heart failure. I am now 59 I had to quit my job when I was 46, it took me a year and 4 months of total misery and pain working 12 hr shifts when I would come home I almost had to literally crawl up the steps to get in the house. I finally realized I was hurting myself, and hurting my Co workers by not pulling my total weight on the job. It is a journey we all have to follow the road is rough and full of pit falls and curves that can set us off but we have to keep our eye on the prize. If we put our trust in Jesus Christ he will be right there with us on that road and will carry us over the pit falls and curves if we just believe in him. We will never be truly alone again. Sending Love ,prayers and hugs.

Dec 17, 2015 11:09 PM

i believe in god 100%. i have take nerve pills so i can be nice to public people. we us 3 took care of my dad my mom was caregiver more but i did alot to wasnt working my dad needed me he never cussed me. he was 21 yr army man. me him were close. mom has gone crazy i pray everyday for my aunt cousin she lives with them. mom do bs just for whatever to bs with. i have ignore her on that part

Dec 17, 2015 11:09 PM

i trying to be prepared when its her time to leave this earth

Dec 17, 2015 11:14 PM

i am was baby girl i will not have any parts of helping her with pics go to my sister my husband said he would go get them take them for me so i dont have no parts she said hubby come get them im not going i was blamed for two thing that i did but didnt do nope not helping

Dec 17, 2015 11:26 PM

Fluff meister I truly believe that if you can't try and fix things with your Mom before she passes you will really regret not doing it while she is still hear to talk to. If I am not mistaken you said she is in kidney failure, she probably is on dialisys 3 times a week. By working in a hospital I delt with a lots of dialisys patients it is a very hard treatment on them, it takes a lot out of them. I know it is hard when you have been hurt by things she has said to you. But you know yourself when you are having a bad pain day how sometimes you can be sharp with others and may say things you don't really mean. Maybe you can cut her some slake and go to her and just tell her how you are feeling about how she has hurt you. Hopefully she will apologize for the hurtful things she has said,and you can apologize for anything you have said. I know it is hard but she is the only Mother you have and it will be a terrible burden to carry if you wait until it's too late.

Dec 17, 2015 11:33 PM

i still talk to her when she in town i meet her i just go with flow im just quiter

Dec 17, 2015 11:36 PM

she was on dialisys for 4 wks she was i know her mind not same but i dont want be in middle of her ba with my family she lives with im kinda quiet now whats done is done my husband is big help keep me calm leave it alone

Dec 17, 2015 11:39 PM

i cant take the broken heaet again she admitted she was wrong too protectice over me i said yup i living my life i almost lost my job worrying avout her dying on me

Dec 17, 2015 11:41 PM

i still plan to see her but not driving every week listen to all them argue

Dec 17, 2015 11:51 PM

just want my mom back to what she was all i want is that

Dec 20, 2015 9:20 PM

Fluffmeister, my heart aches for you. My mom was very sick before she died. She had suffered a stroke, heart attack, congestive heart failure, COPD, and finally kidney failure (1 dialysis treatment). Growing up, my mom had an alcoholic problem and could be very ugly. But later in her life she was a great mom and grandmother. No matter the ugly things she said or did, it wasn't her-it was the alcohol influencing her behavior.

Now I'm watching my dad, who was always kind and gentle growing up, become aggressive and confrontational because of Alzheimer's (& suspected Tia's). It isn't in his control, he gets agitated adult due to the Alzheimer's. But no matter how hurtful his behavior is at the moment, I know it's because of the disease that his personality is changing.

It hurts none the less at the time, but I forgive/forgave their actions and words because their medical issues are responsible for the changes. And like Weezie said, I don't want any hard feelings after they are gone. My mom passed in 1999, and my memories are filled with good ones because I chose to let go of the bad episodes. And when my dad does die, I don't want these extremely upsetting episodes of anger outbursts to be what I remember.

Please try to forgive your mom. She may have a medical issue causing the changes in her personality and behavior, like a stroke (TIAs), Alzheimer's, or other issues. Sending you (((hugs))) & prayers! 🙂🙏🌼

Dec 20, 2015 9:26 PM

she doing better.i guess i still talk see her just very hard the change in her now. i always been close to my parents. i did everything for my dad he was kinda mean not as bad but still took care of him till day came to bury him. I still do same for my mom. i was just very upset only person talk to about it is my hubby. you cant talk to family or there be arguments so i be ok.

Dec 20, 2015 9:28 PM

she in kidney failure yes i always forgive her like i did my daddy i love my parents my dad died in 09 so i know its hard to bury a parent i love my dearly just hurt sad lonely in some ways with her

Dec 21, 2015 8:10 PM

It's understandable, your being upset. No apologies necessary, and no need to feel embarrassed or afraid to share your feelings. This community is a safe place for all of us to voice our frustration, pain, and anger, all while getting feedback from others. They say "hindsight is 20/20", and that just means (to me) that when I look back on situations I can see it differently than I did when it happened. I know you love your mom, despite the hurtful words she said. Speaking fom experience (not a relative), it's better to forgive so you don't have any feelings of regret when they do die. (((Hugs))) & we are here for you! 🙂🙏🙏

Dec 22, 2015 5:18 PM

Wow I love your original post this is my exsactly thoughts atm ... Why bother if it's forever and why is "the kind option" for a pet not ok for me ?? Try and find an awnser because that's what your spose to do and untill you do remember your not the only one asking this ... The fact your asking means your mind knows there's an awnser some where or at least that's what I'm telling my self atm

Dec 22, 2015 8:51 PM

I have a lot of these thoughts. I am having a lot of trouble adjusting to this "new" life. I pray a lot. And I talk to my mom who has had fibromyalgia for fifteen years plus. She helps me gain some perspective when I'm at my lowest. I keep coming back to the ppl I would hurt if I give up. There's not a ton of them, but there are a few that it might even ruin their lives. My son, for example. He looks tough, at 21 years old and 6'3" tall, he looks like a real tough guy. But he's not. He's extremely soft hearted and he was raised mainly by me. His father was rarely in the picture before he bailed altogether and so my son is very much a momma's boy. But he's thoughtful and sweet and just amazing. What would that wreck inside him if I were to quit and not be there to help him through his early adulthood? How hurt and bitter and angry would he become? It's thoughts of him and my bf and my family that keep me here even on those many days I would very much like to give up.

Dec 22, 2015 9:03 PM

Same here Phoenix..I've been having a low point for a few weeks now mostly due to family health emergency but the point is I've been struggling with so many y emotions a d I've not yet found my happy bplace.right fibro has me in its grips I'll get started on a exercise schedule and the I'll hit .10 of a mile and its like inhit a wall. Something always happens with my body and pain. So even thstbone thing has me down since befroe fibro I was 3-4 days a week60- 90 min not to mention needi g help to get out of bed at 36 is like a " what the heck " moment. So yes I've had the end it all thought but like u I think ofy boyfriend and my family and then how I'd spend entetity but. The i also say I'm living in hell now so why not but the point would be go find peace so I turn from those thoughts. But it dont mean it helps any of the pain.

Dec 22, 2015 9:41 PM

Phoenixrising, my neighbor committed suicide about 2-3 months ago. There was no warning sign that anything was wrong, but he'd suffered insomnia several months. His three sons and wife are devastated, and angry, lost & hurting. My hubby has questioned himself, "what if I had...?" It's affected our whole community. He didn't have the supportive community we all have. None of us who knew him will ever be the same, but especially his wife & sons.

We've all likely had suicidal thoughts. I know I have, and I'm so thankful others noticed and interceded. I'm so thankful God put them in my path. I hate to even think how my death would affect my granddaughter, as I'm who she talks about God to. I don't want to hurt my hubby, children, father, siblings. Instead I pray for strength to get through it, one day at a time, because each day is different. Your son may be 21, but he will need you there for many years to come. Anytime you need extra support of to talk through your feelings, just open up a thread here. You've got so much support here. (((Hugs))) & a prayer that tomorrow will be a much better day for you! 🙂🙏🌼

Dec 23, 2015 7:33 AM

I would have to say no this is not for ever. I day I woke up sick and one day I will wake up well. This is my hope. Moshell

Dec 23, 2015 8:02 AM

Phoenix, I don't know if you have a state run University Medical Center near you. I live in Virginia and we have University of Virginia Medical Center. Oh, I was bringing this up because you said you will be broke with no access to meds and doctors. But back to the point. I have set up many of my friends who don't have a substantial income with them and they get all their doctors, test, surgeries, procedures, and medicine at really low cost. I mean like his surgery was something like $10 . MRI was $2. Medicines are $2. Maybe they may have something like that in your area.

Dec 23, 2015 8:12 AM

And as far as you have been feeling Pheonix, I have been there. I will not claim to know how you particularly feel as we all feel somewhat different. But when we are down with pain, we can not assess the world correctly. We don't really know the impact we truly haven on it. I sort of think of it like a beautiful piece art in a room. It may have been limited in what it could do. It didn't interact with people. It didn't express love. But people got use to it being there and they didn't truly miss it until it was gone. We are broken, but we are still beautiful. Because of our life's experiences, we have more empathy and love to offer then most other people because we have have had to slow down and really see all the things that we took for granted and we see now what is truly important. We have that to offer to others and they respond to it. I hope you have a better day then most. Take care.

Dec 23, 2015 8:51 AM

I thank you all for your responses. profiler, I also live in Virginia. The last post I made was in response to jellyfish about my original post. I'm not at a good place in my life, but I'm not yet ready to end it. As I said, I'm afraid it would destroy my son as well as other members of my family. I think about it though. In moments of darkest pain when I can't catch my breath because I'm looking at my bank account and seeing what bills are coming out and what is going to break me and thinking that Christmas is right here and I have nothing to give and that I need to get meds refilled with nothing and take time to find a new pain med that might work better and pay rent or get kicked out, and trying to breathe through the pain and panic and pray and pray and cry..... Sometimes that door out looks very very tempting.

Dec 23, 2015 9:20 AM

Pheonix, I wasn't thinking you were suicidal. I was going along the line with the line that You thought you were bring everyone down. I was thinking you thought you don't matter. I am just saying that when we feel this way, we can't truly see the good affect we have on people by just being there. Actually, I don't think we can see that even if we were at the top of our game unless everyone told everyone that they loved each other every day. People just assume we know and don't realize the power of those three words in our families. You know, I don't know how spiritual of a person you are, but if you prayed about it to learn more about God I'd you don't already have a relationship with him, this I a wonderful way to help you with you pain and to give you a sense of peace. This is backed up by a couple of studies that were done. I am not trying to push religion on you but this could help a lot. A good place in the bible that talks about inner peace is Psalms if you desire to try that route. But whatever you do, I hope you find the difference you make in other people's life just so you know you are still cared for and needed. That you are not a burden. It doesnt mean you don't bring along some challenges but don't every single one of us do in our own way. We all have our own individual difficulties whether it be sickness, personalities, and much more. You are no more burden then the next guy or girl. Yours might just be a little more expensive. I hope you can qualify for medical care at some hospital university

Dec 23, 2015 9:30 AM

Thank you, profiler, and I an very spiritual. I've had a strong relationship with God sincei was little. Even through the worst times and childhood abuse, I never lost faith. I never blamed God, I instead blamed myself. I used to beg for God to take me when I was a teenager and realized that I couldn't even kill myself without messing it up lol. Now that I have physical as well as mental illness, I pray and cry a lot. I know this is jumbled, my fog is foggier than usual today. Anyway, thank you for your kind words and support, and prayers if you would. Gentle hugs

Dec 23, 2015 9:42 AM

Phoenix, I wish that MY fog was as clear and concise as yours. Believe it or not, you're making perfect sense. It probably took a while.. LOL!! Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to write a post because I can't think and then I'll re-read what I wrote and be like, what the hell is that?!?! I understand that fogginess and what a pain in the ass it is. I hope that your head clears, your pain levels lower and that you have a more peaceful day. {{Hugs}}🌻🙏🏻

Dec 23, 2015 9:52 AM

Right back at ya, Phoenix!! 💕

Dec 26, 2015 6:36 PM

I'm feeling like that atm I'm in constant pain with my knee I have had 6 knee ops waitin for num 7, no painkillers r touching the pain

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