I know. That's a terrible title. But it's as much as I've got. I hurt so much more now that I just don't know what to do. I know all of us hurt, plenty of folks here have bigger problems than I do. But today, I hurt.....
I don't even have the energy for the capitalization that deserves. I feel like a tiny mouse curled up in a ball under the weight of house that's badly balanced over me- constant pain from the pressure, new unknown pains every time it moves. Will it tip down and crush me? Will it tip over and no longer crush and hover over me?
Most days I the pain is a giant rock, chained to my leg, attached to my back, cradled in my arms, or broken into tons of pieces covering my whole body, weighing me down and stabbing me with every movement. Usually I can pick it up with a sigh and set it to the side. Or resettle it wherever it decided to attach to my body and carry it without too much trouble. Today, yesterday, this past year....I can't. I'm not walking some days, I'm crawling. I'm angry, hurting, impatient, and tiiiiiiiiirrrreeed! I could sleep for a week. Wait, I did that. I didn't help either. ....sigh.
Today I feel getting up and putting clothes on was an accompmishment. I don't even look bad. I found a random video on easy hairstyles and tried one. It took 7minutes instead of 5 but it was easy and it looks nice. But it's strange to look in the mirror and see a cute girl staring back rather than a crushed, trembling mouse. My brain is foggy enough from pain and tiredness, this dichotomy is more confusing.
I had plans. I have lots to do. I actually got to work. Only an hour late. But I'm just staring at the computer screen. I'm hungry, I think. I know I should be. But I hurt too much to put the effort into eating. The thought of eating makes me nauseous. Maybe I can eat later.
I saw a news clip of a lady in a wheelchair getting a home for disabled people. It was a happy story for her. But all I can think of is- will that be me? How long until this pain is so much that I can't bear to walk? I already feel like the Little Mermaid (Hans Christian Anderson, not disney) stabbing pains in my feet and ankles when I walk. I already make more choices to sit, less to move. I keep gaining weight... which doesn't help. Will I end up in a wheelchair? My wrists are damaged so I don't know how I'd manage that. Will I end up in a care facility? Is there nothing that can truly help RSD & Fibromyalgia? Should I try ketamine? Or hyperbaric oxygen? I don't have the money for it but I guess we could take a loan.... those seem so unknown, so scary. But it's terrible and frightening to hurt this much too....
And now I feel like I should apologize for writing this. But why? Anyone here understands. I didn't do anything wrong. Talking about pain isn't (shouldn't be) wrong. I didn't ask to be in pain. So I'm not apologizing. I feel bad today. I hurt. That's the truth and I needed to say it. I will say thanks for listening.