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It hurts...

Aug 10, 2016 10:06 AM

I know. That's a terrible title. But it's as much as I've got. I hurt so much more now that I just don't know what to do. I know all of us hurt, plenty of folks here have bigger problems than I do. But today, I hurt.....

I don't even have the energy for the capitalization that deserves. I feel like a tiny mouse curled up in a ball under the weight of house that's badly balanced over me- constant pain from the pressure, new unknown pains every time it moves. Will it tip down and crush me? Will it tip over and no longer crush and hover over me?

Most days I the pain is a giant rock, chained to my leg, attached to my back, cradled in my arms, or broken into tons of pieces covering my whole body, weighing me down and stabbing me with every movement. Usually I can pick it up with a sigh and set it to the side. Or resettle it wherever it decided to attach to my body and carry it without too much trouble. Today, yesterday, this past year....I can't. I'm not walking some days, I'm crawling. I'm angry, hurting, impatient, and tiiiiiiiiirrrreeed! I could sleep for a week. Wait, I did that. I didn't help either. ....sigh.

Today I feel getting up and putting clothes on was an accompmishment. I don't even look bad. I found a random video on easy hairstyles and tried one. It took 7minutes instead of 5 but it was easy and it looks nice. But it's strange to look in the mirror and see a cute girl staring back rather than a crushed, trembling mouse. My brain is foggy enough from pain and tiredness, this dichotomy is more confusing.

I had plans. I have lots to do. I actually got to work. Only an hour late. But I'm just staring at the computer screen. I'm hungry, I think. I know I should be. But I hurt too much to put the effort into eating. The thought of eating makes me nauseous. Maybe I can eat later.

I saw a news clip of a lady in a wheelchair getting a home for disabled people. It was a happy story for her. But all I can think of is- will that be me? How long until this pain is so much that I can't bear to walk? I already feel like the Little Mermaid (Hans Christian Anderson, not disney) stabbing pains in my feet and ankles when I walk. I already make more choices to sit, less to move. I keep gaining weight... which doesn't help. Will I end up in a wheelchair? My wrists are damaged so I don't know how I'd manage that. Will I end up in a care facility? Is there nothing that can truly help RSD & Fibromyalgia? Should I try ketamine? Or hyperbaric oxygen? I don't have the money for it but I guess we could take a loan.... those seem so unknown, so scary. But it's terrible and frightening to hurt this much too....

And now I feel like I should apologize for writing this. But why? Anyone here understands. I didn't do anything wrong. Talking about pain isn't (shouldn't be) wrong. I didn't ask to be in pain. So I'm not apologizing. I feel bad today. I hurt. That's the truth and I needed to say it. I will say thanks for listening.

Aug 10, 2016 11:41 AM

Sorry you're hurting so bad, dear. Being strong is exhausting, I know, but hang in there. My friend with RSD did try the ketamine nasal spray for a while, and it helped for a bit. Her doctor took her off though. Mostly she just takes a shit-ton of meds. Just know you're not alone. Vent if you need. Cry, laugh, sleep... Whatever it takes to keep pushing through it. Sending love to all my chronic pain buddies <3

Aug 10, 2016 11:41 AM

Gardener, I am so very sorry for your suffering. Believe me, I understand. I hurt, I'm exhausted and the unknown IS scary. The only thing we can do is live in the moment we're in and handle what's happening because we can't fix or handle what hasn't (or may not) happen. I give you props for being able to go to work. I'm on disability and have been out of work for 13 years. I've had 30 surgeries in the last 23 years and there's more on the horizon. There is nothing wrong with saying you hurt, you're right, we all do understand because we all hurt here. That's what's wonderful about this forum, knowing you're not so alone. There's an entire community to stand behind you and help you to get through. My hand is here, please hold it. Lean on my shoulder, you can go ahead and I'll give you as much comfort as I can. My arms are open to give you a {{{Hug}}} and I'll hang onto you so you can cry if you need to. Take a deep breath and let it go slowly, this WILL get better and then worse and better and worse all over again. It's hard, but we're strong... You got this!!! Sending you gentle {{{Hugs}}}, lots of love and prayers for a better day.💕🙏🏻🌻😊

Aug 10, 2016 11:50 AM

Hang in there sweetie... hang in there. 🤗 breathe just breathe. I hear u 🤗 it will all be ok in the end princess. 😚 u r gonna be alright! This panic will pass... u will⚘ find ur way 🌷

Aug 10, 2016 11:52 AM

Lulabel, I hope you're having a good day!! You're always so awesome... I wanna swim over and smoke some weed with you.. I think we'd both need some extra knickers for the laughter 😂😂

Aug 10, 2016 3:39 PM

Thanks everyone! Just found a quote that used to hang in my office: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice ar the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow." Seems like good advice. Each day we have to keep trying....

Aug 10, 2016 4:39 PM

Have you got a diagnosis? I just drew my first pain map, clicked into community and the first map I see looks so much like mine. I really hope you don't have my problem. Have you got a diagnosis for your problem?

Aug 10, 2016 11:29 PM

Hi Dinner Fingers! I have CRPS/Fibromyalgia/Chronic Pain Syndrome. I've had CRPS for years. Fibro is new and kicking my butt :(

Aug 13, 2016 10:01 AM

Gardener, I hope you are feeling a little better today. I'm just trying to catch up on posts. You never have to apologize for vocalizing your pain here. We all understand. I use to worry about the "what-if" scenarios that would run through my mind. Accepting my disability in 2014 has allowed me to stop worrying about my tomorrow's, and instead focus on one day at a time, one hour at a time, & one step at a time. It also released me feeling guilty for health issues I can't control. Big hugs, love, & prayers for decreased pain and easier days ahead next week! 🙂💕🙏🌸

Aug 13, 2016 11:31 AM

Oh my 🌹 ur name is so awesome! "DinnerFingers" 🐴 brilliant! 🌷

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