Lately, it has been hard to keep a smile on my face and stay joyful for everyone when I have been in so much pain. Don't get me wrong, despite my pain, I am happy. I have a very supportive family and I get together with my friends. I didn't do that 2 months ago. But I am forcing myself to smile when I want to wince in pain and I really want to show them that I am happy. I don't mind them telling them I am in pain but I don't want them to think everything they do with me is like them torturing me.
I started really bad like 5 weeks ago, I atarted having fatique and pain all over my body. My muscle and joints were hurting likke betwwn a 7 and an 8. I been having anemia which is unusual for a man. But I have had it for a year and half and they don't know why. I think that is why sometimes I cant stay awake longer than 3 and a half hours..Then with the pain all over it is messing up my sleep because then I wake up around 1 am for a couple of hours and then 5 for a few hours. That is with my sleeping pills. My right shoulder needs a shoulder replacement. I have a tout rotator cuff. Then I have severe pain going down my right arm. It is a 9. That is what has me sleeping in a recliner for now on. Every time my arm touches something, I would like to yell in pain. Something simple as laying on the couch and my arm touching the back of the couch causes extreme pain. Many times they hurt just all by themselves with any causes. Then about 14 days ago, my low back started hurting real bad again. I think the nerves that they had burned have grown back. It has been over 8 months. But it is killing me to walk and now I have to rest with a heating pad. On top of that, my crps returned out of many months in remission. Mine takes place on a 15 year old wound. It started a few years after it happened. But now the wound is changing color, getting colder, and burning all the time. It lets up here and there. On top of that I keep on breaking out of rashes. I just feel like I am falling apart.
I have decided to stop worrying about what is going on with me because the doctors don't seem to care. I think they think it is stress, but I tell them I am the happiest I have ever been.
But like I said, I am happy and I want to smile it just hurts to much to show it sometimes but you don't want to bring others down. But it feels like when you smile, it hurts just a little bit more. I know that sounds funny but tshat is the way feel sometimes. Sometimes, I just hope that I don't live very long. I worry about how I will die but I don't want to be in pain and I would never take my life but I don't want to live a long time like this. Then I think of my wife. She needs my Social Security Income. So then I hope I at least live that long. What I really hope is that they figure out what is going on and treat some of these pains.
Well that is my rant today. Sorry I am a little downer in my writing but I am happy. Just in pain. A lot of pain just like a lot of you are. Take care my friends. Sorry for the negativity.