Learn from patients with pain similar to yours

CatchMyPain Community and Pain Diary App to manage chronic illness

Its because I care so much, and it may cost one or more relationships...

Jan 13, 2015 10:20 PM

My dads in FL for cancer. I can't be there because of my body and also I'm contagiously sick right now. My sibling called late last night to say Dad stated, "If they come back and tell me (after tomorrow's procedure) they can't do anything else for me, I may as well go home and take my 22 and end it all.".

After barely sleeping on that info I sat down and wrote his doctor back home, to tell him about Dad's suicidal comments... Its not the first time, and each time he states more details. I also let him know Dads angry beyond normal, cognitively unable to keep his meds or his daily needs consistent, in my opinion no longer able to make legal decisions, and not sure his wife is capable either. I think they both have Alzheimer's.

I'm worried about his reaction to my informing his doc. I know he'll deny it if asked point blank, " are you suicidal? ". But I'd feel neglectful as his child if something did happen, or worse if he harmed others in the process. Its going to be a long in night or two or three... 😞

Jan 13, 2015 10:34 PM

You did the right thing Flappy. You had to and couldn't live with yourself if there would be a bad outcome. I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time. A couple of years ago, I had to be the one to tell my father's neurologist that my father should not be driving anymore due to Alzheimer's. I know it was just a huge thing for my father to give up his beloved car and the freedom it gave him and if he would be with it enough to know I was behind it, I don't think he would ever forgive me. I know he was traumatized by having his license taken away and having his car sold. But I was terrified that he would kill himself and/or others if he kept on driving. You have to go with your gut and do the right thing. I hope your father's physician takes this seriously and helps your father out. Best wishes.

Jan 14, 2015 5:48 AM

I agree with sandibeach. My father suffers from PTS and Depression and I had to call the state police to enter his home for a wellness check while I was away once - he is disabled and made similar comments as your father and I was too far away to help directly. Saftey first - complaints second. Its not an easy decision in any circumstance. Wish I could help you more.

Jan 14, 2015 8:11 AM

Thank you both for support. If my finds out not only will he disown me, it could cause even more violence against himself or others. My baby sister tried intervention in the summer but the doc didn't take it serious. And they told our dad "your daughters been trying to communicate with us and get your records. Is that alright?" The good thing this time, I had POA papers to give them. But I tell you my stomach is churning!

Jan 14, 2015 12:28 PM

That's so awful! I can't believe that his physician would not be supportive of you and your sister. It makes me crazy when I come across doctors and situations like that. Arghhhhh!! Can you or your sister talk to a social worker or case manager at the hospital so you can tell them your whole story, your concerns and doctors' inadequate and inappropriate response? After all, the only thing you want is to help your dad and have the best patient outcome. I worked at a hospital for a long time and we did have both of those to help patients and families. The fact that you have POA's should make it that much easier to access his medical record and intervene. Good luck! Must be absolutely nerve racking to be in your situation 💐

Jan 14, 2015 1:24 PM

Actually his new Dr called and is meeting with us next week, with dad 😱 now I just have to gently tell him to soften blow

Jan 14, 2015 7:09 PM

Flappy, your heart is in the right place. And if your dad's doctor is somewhat diplomatic, there shouldn't be much fall out for you. I'm thinking along the lines of "Mr. FlappyDad, Mrs. Flappy, I wanted to see both of you because I need to discuss something with you that may be troubling to FlappyDad and I wanted him to have a person of his trust present. I've come to notice (talks about observations, statements, etc.)... I am concerned about the potential risk for self harm." I mean the guy doesn't have to tell your dad you were the one to blow the whistle. Do you think that's feasible?

Jan 14, 2015 8:04 PM

Well said Thompson .... Keep us posted Flap

Jan 14, 2015 10:54 PM

Thanks for your support everyone. I'm a nervous wreck just thinking about my dads reaction. He's not at all the man he use to be, happy, laughing, caring & loving. Each time he's had surgery with sedation he becomes more aggressive and argumentative. After his last radiation treatment we noticed a cognitive decline, but following his shoulder surgery last April his whole behavior has deteriorated and more negative. He's even become jealous of my step mom, wants her to do everything for him, then complains nothing is good enough. I don't know where my Dad is, but this man isn't him. I don't know which I fear more, his anger or the possible physical threat hisind poses right now. Its not easy, but thanks for being here for me.

Jan 15, 2015 12:57 PM

You are a wonderful daughter and your Dad is a very lucky man. You would really regret not saying anything God forbid he went through with his thoughts. You are protecting him because you love him. My thoughts and prayers are with you. We're all here to support you... All the very best of luck.

Jan 15, 2015 7:46 PM

Always, I know I would regret it. Its frightening to see the drastic changes he goes through with his mood swings. Ever since his 1st knee surgery in 2007, each time he's sedated he gets worse and worse. My sister said they arrived home but it was a miserable 4 hour ride. She said it was like he was trying to pick fights with everyone, and sneering & grimacing in angry looks. She said she's glad I contacted his regular doctor because his behavior is cruel since the sedation yesterday. The two days before that he was just grumpy. Everyone please say a prayer for us all. This is the toughest most emotionally painful thing ever experienced. And its got my fibromyalgia pain flared beyond belief.

Jan 15, 2015 7:53 PM

I understand. I have family members that are ill and my stress level has increased causing my pain levels skyrocket. My prayers are with you. I check in on here every day so I'll watch for your posts. Hang in there, we're all holding your hand

Jan 15, 2015 8:16 PM

I'm sorry Flappy. I think family related health issues are the most heart wrenching things to experience. I believe that sedatives, pain meds and any kind of anesthesia affects the elderly population in different ways ( negatively) than the rest. I'm dealing with my elderly dad with moderate to severe Alzheimer's and it has been really, really, really stressful for all involved. Definitely horrible for the fibro. At times I have to distance myself and put myselft in house-arrest to allow my body to calm down and chill some. My dad's personality did change though even before we put him on meds. He got nasty, paranoid, stingy, and at times verbally abusive to my mom. His neurologist was really reluctant to prescribe any kind of sedative or anti anxiety med cause of the potential problems it can bring on to the elderly. I had to get really firm and tell him that I rather see him drooling on the sofa ( I know it sounds horrific, I cringe when I think it) that continuing to verbally abuse my mom. Sure enough the first med we tried made him worse but thankfully the second one did help his unpleasant personality traits a fair amount. My mom suffers tremendously though even with a lot of hands on help from my sister and I. Caregiving is so difficult. Best of luck to you and your family!

Jan 15, 2015 11:39 PM

Having gone through Alzheimer's with my dad & now dealing with some kind of dementia with my mother, I certainly feel your pain. You did the right thing by talking to his doctor. I have videotaped my mother & played it for her doctor & she was less than pleased. It took a few days but she did come around & I pray your dad does too.

One of the first things you should know is that one of the symptoms of dementia is anger. When we were dealing with my dad, he would get angry at the weirdest things & sometimes it wasn't something real at all. It's really hard to bring them around when their reason for anger doesn't even exist! So remember that part of this anger is the dementia & there's nothing you can do about that. And then pat yourself on the back for being such a good, caring daughter that you put yourself in the "line of fire" so to speak & gave his doctor information he wouldn't have had otherwise. I'm sure your father will calm down in the next few days & will understand your reasons.

Good luck & I'll keep you both in my prayers.

Jan 16, 2015 6:28 AM

Thank you all! I'll update if anything changes. Its going to be a long seven days for sure. I also distance myself when I can, and feel its best for me & others...you know, when you feel you've reached your own limit. I feel so bad for my sister because unlike me, who will speak sternly to my dads bad attitude (like he's a misbehaving kids), she's never been strong like that. She said cried all the way to her house and then some. Thanks for your support, and any advice. Have a blessed day.

Jan 17, 2015 8:07 PM

Just a little update... I was really worried about how my oldest sister would respond, because a year ago she wanted to move in with my dad & step mom. So the sister who was with him last week told the oldest sister what took place. The oldest sis called me to see if we could meet with our step mom to let her know we're all behind her doing whatever is needed for dad. I told her I'd contacted the doctor for intervention and she said "Great!". At least all us kids are in the same boat. Now if I can borrow a little courage when I have to face the wizard (dad)at the doctors office! 😓

Jan 18, 2015 9:14 AM

I know it's hard flappy, I've had father issues all of my life but what you have to, need to remember is that all of us are here for you and if you need help we're here. A shoulder to cry on, a bed to lie on, A forum to shine on.
We all have faith in you, we know how strong you are. YOU. CAN. DO. IT

Jan 18, 2015 9:46 AM

Thanks Reece. I think because this occurred right on the heels of our placing mother-in-law in PC home, I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I know its affected my health because I can't shake these allergy/cold symptoms. I'm just relieved all us siblings are together on this. When my mom was sick/died my sisters weren't around, yet they held the choices I made (followed moms wishes to a T) against me and would, "well I would have done..." I always replied, "No you wouldn't. You had no say so. Mom made me her POA and expressed what/how she wanted things to be.!" Its a big relief I won't be reliving those times again with our dad.

Jan 18, 2015 9:59 AM

That sounds like an awful experience! But remember that note you have your sisters in your side and us to support you. With that and your inner strength nothing can stop you

Jan 22, 2015 9:57 AM

Ok everyone, my guts feels like its filled with butterflies in a battle with bumblebees! Tomorrow is the day I show up at dads appointment with my sibling. He knows nothing about this at all. My stepmoms been talking with the sib who drove them to his procedure last week. She's saying dads mentality is getting worse each day. The docs cauterized AVM veins in his colon, but he still convinced he has a tumor (removed in 1982)! He's also saying aggressively, "Someone's lying about me. Someone's lying about my cancer!". I'm a nervous wreck just thinking about going. All us sibs have mutually agreed to withhold that me and 1sib is going to appt as a intervention. If this doc screws up and blows us off as exaggerating, he's going to wish he hadn't if things end bad with my dad.

Jan 22, 2015 10:37 AM

Wishing you peace love and strength with your dad. Men are so stubborn and often big babies throwing a tantrum. My dad passed when he was 45 and I had to make some rough decisions. From taking away his truck, to taking the riding lawn mower, dealing with hospice and finally putting him in a care facility. It is hard for children to be in charge and even harder for the parent. I got to the point where I would just say it is hard raising parents. Good luck and I hope you get his health care on track and you are doing the right thing.

Jan 22, 2015 10:55 AM

Praying for you and your family, FlappsyLady. I hope all goes the way it should and smoothly. Keep a positive outlook and hang onto your faith and know you're doing the right thing for your Dad. I wish you and your family peace of mind and that all works out the way it's meant to.

Jan 22, 2015 12:05 PM

Thank you both, your support & prayers mean a lot. I just spoke to my step mom and let her know we were coming. She exhaled a long breath and said ,"well you can expect trouble." I assured her we know but were coming as support & concern for both of them. I told her to act surprised about our arrival to let all the heat fall on us. She then changed the subject which told me my dad had come in the room...she does that often.

Jan 22, 2015 12:24 PM

Hi Flappy. I'm so sorry you are going thru, I have a suggestion.... Only because I've gone thru similar stuff the last 2 years with my dad who is 86 with Alzheimer's. I don't remember if you have said your dad has any kind if dementia or not. My dad's personality has changed tremendously the last couple of years-- anxiety, paranoia, hallucinations, and others negative behaviors. When I take him to a dr appt where I want to relay information or concerns to his dr, I write a letter and when I check my dad in, I give it to receptionist and ask that the dr reads it before s/he sees my dad. This strategy has helped us. Can you incorporate something like this for your visit tomorrow? Any decent dr that see's a patient's family voice concern etc has got to take it seriously or at least consider it in his complete assessment.....

Jan 22, 2015 12:47 PM

Sandibeach, I wrote a 4 page letter describing the behavior changes, depression & suicidal comments, all the family has witnessed & faxed it. His nurse told me on the phone "we can't withhold that information from your dad." I once worked in a state run psych hospital, and even today any doctor can withhold even med records if they feel it might do more harm for the patient to see them. I already don't like his doctor.

Jan 22, 2015 1:25 PM

Oh, thanks for the suggestion. Were trying to figure out how to get dad out of the room so our stepmom can speak with the doctor.

Jan 22, 2015 7:36 PM

That's too bad. I hope you get the opportunity to have your stepmom talk to the dr. Tough situation!!

Jan 22, 2015 7:57 PM

Oh boy, as if I don't have enough on my plate, my daughter met me at the grocery store because my asthma is flared up. In a 15 min walk through, at the register I was out of breath and got light headed. I must have looked bad because the cashier asked if I needed an ambulance! I thanked her and said no that it was my asthma. Then my daughter came back from getting something else and said I looked really pale. I made it home and my husband who was at work got the groceries out. I started having a coughing fit with bronchospasms, so took a benzonatate. Now I have a headache & anxiety. Lord please get me through this!

Jan 22, 2015 8:45 PM

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow!!!

Jan 22, 2015 9:13 PM

FlappsyLady I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly. My prayers are coming your way along with a gentle hug

Jan 23, 2015 9:45 AM

Wow, my stepmom is in total denial, thinking nothing is really wrong with Dad. She doesn't want me & my sis to come to appt. She said, "He's going to be angry when he sees you." I told her I know that but we're doing this for both of them. She said, "Well he has a funeral to go to tomorrow and I don't want him upset.". Wow, she's so in denial, or ignorant one! And I can feel anger coming... 🙏 Help me Lord!!!

Jan 23, 2015 10:31 AM

Sandibeach -perfect solution! The letter helps so much. Keep up the great work.

Jan 24, 2015 9:02 PM

Update: So my sis & I arrived, and Dad seemed surprised, but a greeting by the receptionist of "you must be the daughters" & a few things stepmom said later makes me think he knew...and he totally...TOTALLY, held his anger in check through the meeting with the doc. But if looks could kill I'd have died, 😠 as the doc finished what he wanted to say, then turned towards me and said, "And I believe you are the one who has some concerns you want to address," as he handed the letter (I sent him) back to me! I stated my concerns and confronted my dads depression/up days and his continued, more detailed suicidal ideations. Dads look was not nice but he didn't lose it in front of the doc...no sirree!😚 As I brought up his aggression & argumentative behaviors, and their fights, he's shaking his head no & denying it, and I started crying 😢(didn't mean to but was real emotionally strained), stepmom is crying and starts to comment as backup...Dad whirls to look at her, 😤 she froze, 😨looked down 😩 as her voice trailed off!!!

Long story short...he finally agreed to take an antidepressant, he's going for an MRI, & seeing a Neurologist. My sis & I spent the night, waiting for the shoe to drop...but nope, he stayed on his best behavior, hugging & kissing us all goodnight, and stood in the doorway waving goodbye. Yet he acted tense and on edge, 😒as if he wanted to say something but wouldn't. But I'll bet he'll break sometime this week and rant about us, and possibly at stepmom. But today he was on his best 😇 behavior, because he had a funeral to do. Oh yeah... He actually said in front of the doctor yesterday, "The only problem I have, is I really resent 😡 my children interfering in my life!" Looked at us not very nice at all when he said it.

I have come through all this knowing four things: 1) I did what I had to do to try and get him help and possibly protect him & others, 2) Dad is bipolar and/or totally manipulating every situation & person he's in, whether for attention or control doesn't matter, 3) The doc did see and identify Dad has many problems besides depression that's abnormal, like obsessions, incorrect time/place memories & concerns, & 4) I'm no longer responsible for him or my stepmom. 🙌 Thank you God for being there with us!!! 🙏

Thank you all for your prayers & support, its meant more than you know. 😊 May God bless you for being with me in thoughts, prayers!

Jan 24, 2015 9:08 PM

And yep, all the stress has caused 3 asthma attacks and I've been in bed since 5 pm because of shortness of breath. As I'd I needed any more... But I'll get through it because I do not run & hide from my problems, especially the depression that's soooo genetic in my family! Lol they don't have an icon for the one where you jerk your finger up & down across your lips making stupid sounds...😁 Gods night wishes for all!

Jan 24, 2015 9:11 PM

Good night wishes I meant 😉

Jan 25, 2015 9:39 AM

Oh Flappy, I'm so glad that the doctor's visit went about as well as it could have. Hopefully your dad will improve some with the right meds and all of you get a break. Love you for your persistence and determination!

Jan 25, 2015 10:22 AM

Iathompson, yes, it went better than expected. It could have been so much worse for sure. I don't like how the doctor handled it, but at least he did pick up on things...got to give him some credit.

I guess its the stress over the past few weeks but I am literally exhausted today. The asthma has taken a lot out of me too. Just chilling in my jammies today. My husband even went to hang out with a buddy (they metal detect & dig bottles)...so I have a quiet day to rest. I need it for the 5 doc appts this week! Lol 😉

Jan 25, 2015 2:21 PM

Flappy, I am happy and relieved your family dr visit went better than expected. Must feel such a weight off your shoulders. Hopefully you can lay low now and let your body recover from so much physical and emotional stress. But five dr's appts in one week is a lot for one week! Hopefully you do don't have anything else to do this week. Thinking of you!

Jan 25, 2015 2:29 PM

Thanks Sandibeach. I think I know what set my asthma off...we stopped at the grocery store to get my dads Rx and someone walked behind me in the parking lot...exhaled a lot of cigar smoke at my head. I started coughing & choking, and later that night I got my first attack. It took me to today to figure out what happened. Its a smokers freedom to smoke, but its really inconsiderate to exhale near another person!

Jan 30, 2015 10:33 AM

I just wanted to share this... My sis called last night saying she had good & bad news: Good...Dads doctor's office called her. They said dad is def having issues with appointments & medications... Bad: and the doc thinks SHE should assist him. Lol. I told I didn't think the doc like me so he's chosen her to look out for Dad. She replied, "No, you went and said they were testing you for early dementia. Thanks! Lol". 😜 I did offer to assist with appointments when I can so she's going to email me a list of appts & meds. She's not mad really, she thought it was funny too 😄

Ready to start relieving your pain?

Join Community