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I've lost all compassion and sympathy

Jun 01, 2016 3:00 PM

So this is going to sound bad and if you feel this makes me a bad person please don't tell me that because I am aware of it and don't need you to tell me, just go to the next post please. Thanks.
Anyway.
My boyfriends sister is adopted which is not important at all but she was adopted at 3 and we think maybe she saw and went through some crazy shit before his parents got her. She was a drug addict and a major alcoholic since a teenager. Over the last few years this has caught up to her and severely damaged her liver. I think after her surgery and the splint was put in she recovered to almost 30% liver function. Her and I were taking at Christmas and she was saying she felt like she deserved her health problems because of the choices she made and she was afraid to die. She said she was done drinking and that she wanted to see her son grow up (he will be 12 next week). Well yesterday she was admitted into the hospital in liver and kidney failure because she was drinking again. She has had some improvement on her kidney but none on her liver at all. Doctors say her chance of survival is very very small.
I know I should be upset that she is dying. I know I should be sad. But honestly I'm only sad for her son. My attitude about this is along the lines of she knew what the consequences would be if she drank again. I understand that addictions are hard to break. But for some reason I'm lacking all compassion on this one.
My boyfriend went to visit her on his lunch break and says he will probably go again after work. He has an acupuncture appointment at 5pm that I don't think he should miss because it helps him so much. And i told him that he should go to acupuncture, that he didn't need to be with his sister all night. Probably shouldn't have said that because now he's mad at me. And probably rightfully so.
I don't plan on visiting her, which is probably very awful of me. I don't need to have the image of her dying burned into my mind to haunt me in my dreams. I didn't go see my childhood pets or my grandpa when they were dying.
Anyways
Just had to get that one of my chest
If you got this far thanks for reading.

Jun 01, 2016 3:19 PM

Gotobef, I think that you are in total shock!! I don't think your a bad person at all. You feel how you feel. Yes, addictions are hard to overcome, I've been there but that being said, she did tell you she wanted to live and see her son grow up. I think that she had less control over her situation than she thought. I don't think she wants to die and I don't really think she continued to drink because she wanted to. Maybe she couldn't get over whatever happened to her when she was young and there are many kinds of suicide. Now, that being said, I am not saying that was her intent either. I think she may have been a troubled soul who just could never find her way. I don't know her or her life story and I feel sorry that your boyfriend is angry with you. He shouldn't be. You have the right to your feelings and also to voice them. You're also looking out for his wellbeing. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're really not a bad person. This just happened. Give it time to sink in. I feel sorry for her son as well. Being in pain yourself and having to deal with your own daily struggles, something like this is hard to understand because as a chronic pain sufferer we would do anything to live a normal life and see our children, nieces, nephews, siblings or grandchild grow. I'm sending you {{{Hugs}}} and prayers to help you find the strength to find some peace in this situation. 💕🙏🏻🌻😊

Jun 01, 2016 5:27 PM

As an alcoholic in recovery I have to respond to what you wrote Gotobef. And maybe you'll be surprised but there's not gonna be any criticism or saying that you are a bed person. Addiction is a nightmare for those who are addicted and to their close ones. And sometimes it's just not enough compassion or sympathy to get through another slide back... Sometimes you just have to use a "hard love" and leave an addicted person to her/himself... You can't let an addict control your life and emotions! And ofc he/she deserves help (it is a sickness) but you'll never be able to force an addict to stop and get help before he/she truly understand that there is a problem. And i understand that it's frustrating that one day she says she is scared and want to stop and another day she again ending up in hospital. Even I can't quite explain why we do this... But it is true that until something clicked in our brain, before we hit a rock bottom (all of us have a different one) we are completely powerless to our addiction :-( I'll pray that this time it will be a wake up call for your boyfriends sister and that she will get all the help she needs! I'm sure there is an AA group, get some brochure and give it to her. Maybe she will get there... Thats actually probably the only place she will get a 100% understanding and support she needs... As for your boyfriend Al-anon is a good place to get support. Just please remember to not let an addict get between you guys! Right now, if he feels he need to be with her, let him... Its still his sister, not only an addict...
I'll pray for you all to stay strong! And remember you are not a bad person!!! Keep care about your boyfriend, he needs love and support right now... Stay strong!

Ps. Sorry if I wrote a bit chaotic. It is quite emotional for me since I know how hard the fight is...

Jun 01, 2016 5:46 PM

Thanks.
We had actually hoped that her liver failing the first time would have been her rock bottom. But it appears that only death will stop her drinking.
We've tried to get her into support groups but she won't go. Unfortunately because all of her friends are also addicts and she hasn't been healthy enough to go make new friends she has had no help from friends. In fact several of these "friends" have shown up at her door with booze even after her surgery and being told that any more drinking will probably kill her.
I understand that my bf wants to be with her, but i don't understand why he would do so at the expense of his own health. That 50 minutes his appointment is isn't going to change her outcome.
Sorry I brought up something that is a trigger and envokes hard emotions.
I hope that everyone who is struggling with addiction, whatever it may be, can find the strength to beat it and live a long and healthy life. I hope that those who are in recovery are able to stay recovered and resist falling back into that life.
Hugs

Jun 01, 2016 6:24 PM

The emotional fallout could take a large toll on you two if you let it. Try to keep your home & relations with each other inviolate. The addict does not care about your relationship together or your home. While using, it is Always about them. We are here for you. It is so easy for her to get you two all upset which will impact your pain levels. I be thinking of you.😊

Jun 01, 2016 6:33 PM

I think you are spot on.

My dad was an alcoholic/drug addict. Infact he paid the price with Hep C. They told him not to drink if he wanted to live 6 more months....he stopped. He stopped for the chance to live only 6 more months!!!!. At the time there was no medications to take. He was sick in bed dying eating crap and drinking soda which is also bad on your liver. Mind you he never ate healthy and grew up on the meat and potatos and gravy diet. I researched a bunch and told him I thought if he went vegan it could help. He wanted to live and did it 100 percent. I got him to try some truly yucky crap. A couple weeks after going vegan he got out of bed. Anyway he turned his 6 months to live into 8 years. 8 years!!!! He wanted to see my daughter graduate high school but fell short 3 years at the age of 54.

He missed seeing me remarry and I couldn't tell him I was pregnant before he passed I didn't want to hurt him with the knowledge he wouldn't share in that. I was 36 when he passed and it was the hardest saddest point in my life my dad was everything to me no matter what he did.

My heart felt sympathy to her son who doesn't deserve this and will pay the price.

Your man is in a place anything you would have said about her would cause a reaction. Just support him how he feels and what he is going through. Keep the peace.... I know i would probably bite my tongue off with my opinions.

Jun 01, 2016 7:59 PM

Gotobef, your feelings don't make you a bad person. Having addicts in my family, they all had to hit rock bottom before they could defeat their addictions. Tough love was needed in all their cases. Unfortunately they learned in very painful &/or chronic sicknesses the repercussions of their actions & choices. It saddens me to see what they're going through our have gone through. I taught my children at a very young age, "every action has a reaction, every choice a consequence." Hugs & prayers for your boyfriend's sister, that if she pulls through she will not take another drink, & for you & your boyfriend's relationship to be stronger through this! 🙂💕🙏🌼

Jun 01, 2016 8:30 PM

I can see where u r coming from ,I've had similar issues or thoughts towards a family members treatment of there health. And I know u care for her but at the same time u feel she has brought most if not all on herself. And yes she has an illness and yes it's a rollercoaster and we all even her needs support care and understanding. So don't feel bad bout how u feel its ok and I feel it's normal.

Jun 02, 2016 4:00 AM

Hi. I don't think you are a bad person...actually I think you are a very caring person that is pissed off because you believed what she said. I feel sorry for the people that need these organs, get them and abuse them. However.. I work at a Crisis addiction Center, and from my experience, I can tell you that she probably truly had every intent in the world to do the things that she said. But alcoholism is a disease and it also requires treatment to abstain. Sometimes these people will get new livers, but no medication nor counseling for their addiction, and its very hard for them to just go cold turkey and quit. Sorry she lost that battle, and you have every right to not go see her. But don't interfere with your boyfriend visiting her because you don't want it coming back to you or damage your relationship with him if he didn't spend her last hours with her. I understand how you feel about his appointments... You don't want to see him neglect his health for someone that did, but it is his sister. Try to be supportive and as encouraging as possible. Prayers going up! Take care.

Jun 02, 2016 6:16 AM

See, Gotobef, I told you that you're not a bad person. Now that so many others have said so, you can try to not be so hard on yourself and give yourself a break.{{{Hugs}}}💕🙏🏻🌻😊

Jun 22, 2016 10:12 PM

Just an update on this one.
The papers were signed for end of life care yesterday. There will be no more medical intervention on her liver as it wasn't working at all.
I hope those who are struggling with addiction get the help they need and get into recovery and i really hope that up can manage to stay there. I hope your 'rock bottom' is long before you do this level of damage to yourself and your family.
Hugs

Jun 23, 2016 11:40 AM

Gotobef, I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and I send prayers and positive vibes to you and your family. May God give you all the strength to get through this together. {{{{hugs}}}}💕🙏🏻🌻

Jun 23, 2016 1:46 PM

My prayers for the family especially her innocent son...

Jun 23, 2016 3:40 PM

Gotobef, I'm sorry to hear this. Hugs & prayers as you face this time together. May God bless you with strength & courage to be support for each other, and especially for her son. Big (((hugs))) of support for you! 🙂💕🙏🌼

Jun 27, 2016 4:39 AM

Hi goto... just caught up on this thread, u cant help how u feel sweetie & none of us here think u r a bad person for feeling it! Remember to forgive urself for being human... [its an affliction we all must bare]
But self-preservation is key to keep this heightened emotional stress from magnifying ur pain 🤗

Jun 27, 2016 5:54 AM

I'm saying prayers for you as well.
I hope you stay strong and find peace.
And, I'm angry.
It's hard to be forgiving of this addiction/illnesses when it destroys...
I have a step daughter who's injured herself and others in two DUI accidents recently and she broke her arm in one before. Then she got mixed up with drug dealers and murderers. All those times she got off lightly and went drinking within 2 hours of being released. This time she went straight to jail from the hospital. And her five year old (whom I had from birth when she was in jail before) went to foster care because she got arrested in a country outside the family's.
I'm sad, frustrated and angry. So yes, I get how you're feeling. Take good care of yourself and your relationship. {{Hugs}}

Jun 27, 2016 9:09 AM

She passed away last night. She was 38.
My boyfriend is pretty upset but will never admit it.
I don't need your prayers or positive thoughts but if you could send them out to my boyfriend, his brother, his parents and his nephew (i feel so bad for the kid, she was the better parent) I know that they could really use the support right now.
Thanks

Jun 27, 2016 9:38 AM

Excuse me for what I am going to say ....first I have no sympathy for no one....except children.....that have not even begun to live.,..know the way I see things is she choose to live like that the choices we make will come back and hunt us in the long wrong what we do too once self is no ones fault ...we choose to do what we do until we realize we can't do it on our own....if she continues to do what she does is that she knows how to play the pity card very well ....so what you all need to do is continue your lives because she doesn't care about nobody except herself and how to to make everyone else feel sorry for her...MISERY LOVES COMPANY and will drag anyone else to her level of life.....so go on live life for what is meant to be and let her continue what she's doing she will wake up one day and realize or maybe not .....that's her choice....

Jun 27, 2016 9:51 AM

You are not a bad person. Its just one of those things we have deal with in this country . Every family has some type of addictions.

Jun 27, 2016 6:08 PM

I'm doing as you asked Gotobef... Extra (((hugs))) for you!🙂💕🙏🌼

Jun 27, 2016 8:14 PM

I feel you. It is a sad situation

Jun 29, 2016 5:22 AM

Difficult family dynamics which would not change even without your pain. Think thats a very normal reaction to a stressful period in your families life. Good luck

Jul 07, 2016 11:25 PM

Hi Gotobef,
I was sad to read about the passing of your boyfriends sister. I too have witnessed the destructive force of having an alcoholic in the family.

Unfortunately any type of addiction is hard to break. I have sat on numerous occasions swearing like a sailor at my uncle (with a total lack of respect for him) telling him that he was the stupidest person in the world for drinking himself to oblivion because he was missing his son grow up into a man!

Now I know that he desperately wanted his son because he and my mum were adopted and he desperately wanted family who was blood related (what he didn't see was that the fact that the family he had even if not properly related through blood loved him more than he could ever know!)

Now I had no understanding of why he would do that to himself. .. why he would lie steal and cheat for his addiction.

I now can kind of relate to him as I have a dependancy on the medication I take. I finally understand why it was all compassion for him.

I am not condoning you boyfriends sister .. but sometimes we have to walk a mile in their shoes before we can really understand everything that is happening or has happened.

The other thing is that no matter what your family do your family is everything. My siblings and I don't get on really well but if anyone went after them in anyway I would be there for them!!

You are not a bad person in the least for expressing your frustration about her .. you are just human. The only thing that you can do now is obviously support your boyfriend but if you remain with him be the one who tells positive story's about her to her child. Yes there were huge negatives in her life but there is no need for that to be given to her child.

I send hugs your way to help you keep your strength with the situation which is occurring and prays and love you boyfriends way for his loss

Saz xx

Jul 08, 2016 12:46 PM

Drug Addiction and Alcoholism is a disease. It's deadly without treatment, continual support, lots and lots of work. I am sorry you and your boyfriend are suffering. I hope it has leveled out and you are feeling relief. Much love and Support,Terri

Jul 09, 2016 12:12 AM

It is a disease layered on top of the preexisting issue I.e. depression, anxiety, ptsd, heretics (genetics), chronic pain, etc. The legal self medication is alcohol. I've lived around it my entire life. She needs love, maybe not your acceptance, but nonetheless. I'm so glad your bf is showing her the compassion she has always needed. Death of a close family member like a parent or sibling is crippling. It is a pain that far succeeds the chronic pain we live with everyday. I am crying typing this as I have lost so many family members including parents. No one on this eart is perfect. If we all showed more love and compassion for one another, who knows, maybe none of us would be in pain or suffering.

Jul 11, 2016 8:53 AM

(This post has been deleted because of violation of our user policy)

Jul 11, 2016 8:53 AM

(This post has been deleted because of violation of our user policy)

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