Learn from patients with pain similar to yours

CatchMyPain Community and Pain Diary App to manage chronic illness

Judged again

May 22, 2016 6:52 AM

Hello, I am new to this app and community. I have had unexplained foot pain for 16 years, on and off for unknown reasons, which has been very debilitating but I "look normal". I also get headaches, have very dry eyes, neck pain, back pain, sacroiliac instability, fatigue, depression, irritability. Two days ago, an older man made a comment that I can walk and am not disabled, as he saw me walking to my car. I had my weight on the cart, was walking slowly, limping and had my cane-chair with me. He was impatiently driving through the lot and didn't wait for me to cross. He parked in handicapped next to me, left an elderly woman in the car, and walked out. He made me feel terrible and I talked back to him, trying to defend myself. I called police when he came back and he refused to give his name and then drove off. I cried for an hour and felt defeated. I was trying so hard that day to walk but my pain had already come back so I had already failed and was in pain. It's so hard to always be in pain, that nobody can see, and constantly feel judged for. Small comments when I'm using my knee scooter about how fun it looks, ranging to this ignorant jerk. It makes me not want to leave the house and ashamed to use my knee scooter or chair, and then afraid to be judged either way. It's so hard for me to walk and get around, and now I also feel defeated and don't want to try. How do others deal with it?

May 22, 2016 8:14 AM

Hi, I'm in a similar situation. Several years ago, my son was in the Boy Scouts, they had a camping trip at the local state park. My husband parked our truck in the handicapped spot, I had just gotten the decal. Hubby did all the heavy lifting and carrying; setting up the tent and so forth. The troops and their families went on a nice hike, which I participated in. When packed up and heading back home, we found a note on the truck, "if you can walk to the camping area and hike the trail, you don't deserve a handicap decal and you are not handicapped ". I felt so bad. Then again this person doesn't know me nor my pain. This person is NOT a doctor. So, just like you, when I'm go to Walmart or any other store, I get those dirty looks, I ignore them...my doctor gave me this decal for a reason. I don't need other people's judgement on me...that is left up to my Savior, JESUS- now HE knows me.

May 22, 2016 8:24 AM

I think most of us have tried to adopt a 'fuck them' attitude. Caring what others think and not doing what you need to do to get around and survive doesn't cause anyone but you any problems. Stress makes pain worse. Them judging reflects on them not you. Do what you have to do to make life easier and forget everyone else. As for the comment about the knee scooter looking fun, I bet it would be for all of 5 minutes if it wasn't actually needed. It's like crutches, they are fun to play with but it's awful if you actually need them. Also I think people are trying to find something light to talk about in what is probably a very awkward situation for them. No one knows how to handle a person who is sick or different. People in general are not worth the stress. And in today's society of me me me we really need to just ignore entitled ass-hats. No one who doesn't live it will ever understand. I've given up on trying to get people to understand or care because it was only causing me stress and hurting me, not anyone else. I'll say things to people, like right now I'm trying to start a chemical sensitivity awareness campaign at work, but I don't expect anyone to change their habits or even care. I do what's necessary for me and on my bad days i wish harm on the haters so that maybe they can see what it's like, but then I try to just let it go. Easier said than done, but I think that's what a lot of us go to therapy to get help with.

May 24, 2016 7:59 AM

Invisiblepain28, I'm so sorry you were treated that way. I believe all of us have been or will be, likely multiple times in our lives. I don't remember when I got to the point of ignoring others, but it just happened. It doesn't make it any less painful, but it makes me feel like I'm on the higher road from them. People like that, I believe they are just ignorant of what suffering is; or maybe they are cruelly inconsiderate. Hugs & prayers as you gain strength to block & ignore comments by inconsiderate people! πŸ™‚πŸ™πŸŒΌπŸ’•

May 25, 2016 7:46 PM

A wise lady once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Eleanor Roosevelt

Sep 16, 2016 8:54 PM

NO one and no one is to judge anyone anywhere NO one can judge a book by it's cover it must be read a person needs to know one another that is our world and the sad thing is not everyone is willing to read the whole book and reading the whole book is the best part of picking up a book and then another same goes for people!

Sep 17, 2016 12:47 AM

Wow I really am so sorry you went through this! You really do have to try to let go of their ignorance! It is harder said than done! I have had people tell me I am making excuses to not work because some people still work with Fibromyalgia so I should too. I have also been told to change my diet to strictly shakes for breakfast and fruits and that it would make the pain go away( I have adjusted my diet but it was only helping for a short period of time and minimal help) there are still things I can't eat or drink but otherwise if it was that easy Fibromyalgia would not exist there would be a simple cure! My family( parents sisters etc..) don't understand that it is hard for me to eat at a restaurant or go to the movies because sitting for a long period of time in uncomfortable chairs makes my butt and legs go numb and increases my pain so they always plan everything at restaurants!! It's so ignorant!! But again life goes on! If I had a choice I would probably never leave my house! On bad days I don't go anywhere for any reason so people only see me on my better days so again you don't look sick! Or I guess you are better now? People I haven't seen in a couple of yrs ask me where I work now and I say I don't...I always hesitate to say I have Fibromyalgia..like I am ashamed and I shouldn't be i definitely didn't chose this life! They always always say either I don't know what that is or my aunt sister friend etc.. has that and she can still work? Like thanks for making me feel like a pile of shit for no reason!! Sorry I didn't mean to carry on..the point is the world is full of ignorance but you have to be the better person and keep your head high! Nobody can understand the struggle unless they live it! Thoughts are with you hang in there!πŸŒΉπŸ’πŸŒΈπŸ™ƒ

Sep 17, 2016 1:03 PM

People judge us on how we look and have no idea about how we feel! You really can't tell by looking at someone! Even at my job management expects me to go fast like a 20 year old when I have all these back issues , pain ,plus some arthritis! Ya can't win. I do love your rolling pin! Do you bop people over the head with it! Just wanted to make you smile!

Sep 17, 2016 2:30 PM

You could say "my fibromyalgia is especially severe and debilitating" and change the subject. Try not to give an inch! You know your symptoms & your pain. Be firm and then feel amazingly courageous!😊

Sep 30, 2016 7:24 PM

It is wrong to say what kind of diet people in excruciating pain must be on! Pain diets are nothing but myths and just plain dumb but yes there are some herbal medicine out of veggies and fruit but eat what ever you please it's all up to the person it is not necessary to beo on meds if you do not want to be but you choose that is the same with diet again never judge a book by its cover, you have to read it then you pick up another then it gets interesting and then it terms into a hobby then an addiction but don't get addicted but remember to read the book then you'll know them better and then get along better than to prematurely judge and that is good advice I give to everyone especially the ignorant I have gone there, been there and I understand where you're coming from!

Sep 30, 2016 7:54 PM

I once had someone follow me through a store as I was trying to get to the pharmacy. Once back there I let my pharmacy handle her. (An older woman) I know they think they are doing a good deed but what they are doing is causing unnecessary stress. I have been accused of stealing someone else's tag.. Or going to a shady doctor. I just tell them that if they have a problem then they absolutely should call the police.

Often I have thought about designing a "business card" that explains invisible disabilities and just handing them out. If I could figure out a way to word it so it makes an impact.

The best you can do for yourself hun is to realize we live in an imperfect world. Some people are only happy when they are making others miserable. Don't let them win. You may have a Chronic Pain condition but at least you are not like them. They have a Chronic heart condition. My Mammaw always used to tell us Grandkids that the best way to handle an adversary is to "kill them with kindness." smile - tell them to have a blessed day then go back to whatever you were doing. They don't deserve any more of your time. Here in the South we might smile and say, "Well bless your peapickin heart." If they are from the South they know they have been insulted. If they aren't you will leave them trying to figure out just what you said and why. ;)

(((( gentle hugs )))

Sep 30, 2016 8:27 PM

Mimi, thank you for that. I just had to smile and shake my head, cause it's been years since I've heard that said. Will commit that to memory if a situation should come up.

Sep 30, 2016 10:30 PM

Just "Walk a mile in my shoes" then you can judge me. That's what I'd say. If that doesn't work their not worth getting upset over because their morons.

Oct 13, 2016 10:09 PM

Judgment of others is basically terrorism and should never be done by anyone except someone with a gabble and black robe on nonjudicial people should never judge anyone else period, and that is plain as that! That can prove to be horrible and tragic for the judgemental and yes it is dumb in fact the most stupidest thing anybody can do and the most offensive crime you can ever commit!!!

Ready to start relieving your pain?

Join Community