I've been really struggling since the chemical exposure at the beginning of April. My sensitivity has increased substantially to the point where I am affected by someone smoking a block away. It has made it very difficult to get necessary tasks accomplished and has made me want to avoid people at all costs. If I see someone spraying something or smoking I want to run them over with my car. Emotionally I have not been coping well at all. I was told that it is because my systems are on high alert and not able to deal with this 'new' threat. Going to work has been very difficult for me because of the chemicals in the building, the cleaners, peoples products and smoking habbits, and the air outside the building isn't exactly clean.
My boyfriend took me out to the mountains for the weekend. We stayed at a resort outside of town in the national park, there was next to no one there. The best I have felt in a long time was when we were an hour or so out on a rarely used hiking trail with no other people around for miles. I didn't want to leave, i didn't want to go back to society and people. Part of me was kind of hoping we'd crash on the way home and id die so that i wouldn't have to be sick again, probably a good thing i wasnt driving.
Now im back at work and mad at absolutely everyone for being poisonous to me. My boss wants to send 5 of us to a local tech school for a week for additional training and i was just informed that I was going. So i asked if the class was just us (no), would there be smokers in the class (there are smokers everywhere, just deal with it), would there be a completely scent free policy (no, you shouldn't be trying to control other peoples lives). So now im anxious about this course in the beginning of june. They still havent ordered the mask i requested when the chemicals outside came in the building and made me sick. Im so upset about everything that i want to sue the airport and the company i work for for making me sicker, but chemical sensitivity is impossible to prove so id never win.
I get up and go through the motions every day but i dont care at all. Im sure that without my boyfriend in my life i would have done something incredibly stupid by now, like walking out onto the highway.
I dont know what the point of my post was. If you got this far thanks for reading and sorry i wasted your time.