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Losing friends

Oct 21, 2017 7:08 AM

Since my pain started 3 years ago ive slowly lost friends. They all want to go partying at the weekend, and do other activities, and i fan barely get off the sofa.
So they have all just kind of left and i dont speak to any of them now. I think they just dont understand and because im still getting tests but have no diagnosis they just think i cant be bothered(which isnt the case).

Sorry for sounding miserable. Has anyone else had this problem?

Oct 21, 2017 7:31 AM

I'm sorry abs94 that happened to you. I've not had that happen. I think because I'm a older. Is there a support group in your area you could meet people? Just a thought.

Oct 21, 2017 7:34 AM

Im trying to look the positives and see that if they were proper friends they would try and understand.
Im not sure, ive recently moved to a new area so again thats not helped much, but thats a brilliant idea. Ill maybe ask my doctor when im next there about that!

Oct 21, 2017 8:50 AM

I lost all but one of my friends. I cant go out and do things like they can. It sucks, but my one friend has known me for years and it doesn't matter to her what i can do. True friends stay. Im sorry this is happening and i was really depressed about it, but they stopped trying to reach out and stopped responding to my messages. You have enough going on, you need some real support from real friends. Its hard going through all the tests alone, maybe ask one of them if they would be will to come with you and that you need the support if possible. You can talk to me whenever you need to. Just click on my name and pm me.

Oct 21, 2017 9:00 AM

Your so lucky to have such a supportive friend that stuck by you!
Ive tried, none of them are interested because i cant do what thy can they dont see why they should do anything with me.
Im hoping i can meet like minded people on here that can relate to it all.
And that sounds amazing! Ill give you a message once ive finished all my housework? Thank you x

Oct 21, 2017 9:08 AM

Perfect. Look forward to hearing from you.

Oct 21, 2017 12:28 PM

I've lost almost all of my friend I still have 2 really good friends and even then, they stopped talking to me for a few years. I've learned how to explain my pain better so when I meet new people(which is rare because it's hard to get out and meet people when you are in so much pain and spending so much time at Drs appointments) I explain to them that I suffer from chronic pain and might not be able to as much. If they can't accept that then that's ok, I'll find people who will. I haven't been officially diagnosed either so I get how it's hard. People don't understand as it is because they can't see it but when you can't even explain what it because you don't even know it makes it even harder. I'm here to talk if you need to. I know it can be hard not having many/any friends who understand. I also got a dog so I wouldn't feel as alone and I'm training him to be a service dog. Idk if your allowed a pet where you live but I found it helpful

Oct 21, 2017 2:41 PM

Oh ya. Deffinantly been there and doe that. Not fun. Only good friends will stick around and sometimes even then its hard. Don't let it get you down. Do you care about having a friend or doing the partying? I can say i missed out on all the big things you should be inlvoved in or with as you age. I never was able to finish college and I completely missed out on all of the events and parties and such that you are supposed to be apart of. It took a long time to be ok with it. The unfortunate part is that it's better to take care of yourself the worry about going places doing thing or even the people you feel like you need to be around.

Oct 22, 2017 5:07 AM

Its so sad to see that other people have the same thing! But seeing how you all desl with it is great!
I dont particularly care about the going out or partying.. its just the having company that gets to me.
Thank you so much! Il l message you shortly xx

Oct 22, 2017 3:05 PM

Most of my friends are really not just people I knew well at one time or they know who I am. I have more life in vr game then in rl because of pain and mobility coupled with my other issues has scared people away.

Oct 22, 2017 4:47 PM

Yeah, I've gone through this. I've had health issues getting in my way since I was twelve, but it's only been really bad since about 2010. I've thought the "well, then they aren't really your friends" thing, but I know that I've lost touch with people when I didn't see them/talk to them often. It's easy to have people fall off your radar. So I sometimes wonder if it's partly that. It makes me feel better because it's less personal. You may want to try thinking of it that way. It's probably true of most of them.

The problem is when it's almost everyone, and I'm an extrovert. Then my friends all started having kids (I'm in my thirties and single), and THEY need to be accommodated too. And I hate how many of them say, "You just don't UNDERSTAND the demands of being a mom/dad! I can't keep up with people!" Can you imagine if we said, "You just don't UNDERSTAND the demands of having a chronic illness"? That would go over so well. Another part of the problem, on top of a breakup three years ago with someone through whom I'd met the majority of my friends, is the centrality of Facebook among most of my peeps. Several years ago I stopped using it regularly because it was such an addictive time suck and it was causing some serious Fear of Missing Out in my extrovert self. Unfortunately, most of my friends and acquaintances rely on Facebook for organizing and inviting people to events. I tried setting it up to notify me of invitations, but it never worked. I think I'm going to set a reminder to check the event page twice a week and bookmark it so I don't get distracted by other posts.

I think people also get annoyed by friends bailing all the time. I know I did before all this got bad. But I always tried to be understanding about good reasons as opposed to just being a flake. Maybe talk to some of them who might be more understanding?

And also, I don't know about you, but I always do better when people come to ME! Could you try hosting things? But with paper plates and cups, no matter the size of the group. You don't need the added stress of cleanup.

I am lucky. Several years ago I met a guy through OkCupid. We started out dating, but after a couple months we settled into being best friends. Now we're roommates, so I always have a friend around, and he is happy to help me out when I need it. I'm scared that someday he'll have an SO and move on, and I'll be alone again. But for now, it's great, and I try to focus on the present. And another good thing came of it: HIS friend group DOESN'T organize things by Facebook. Plus he is kinda their social glue, the main organizer, and our place is the central hangout spot.

I do have several friends who also have chronic illnesses, and I'm close with two of them. It's great being friends with people who Get It. The problem: because they Get It, they have trouble getting together too! We end up talking online a lot.

I just reconnected with a friend who's blind after several years, and even though she leads a very active life (she's even learning martial arts from a blind teacher!), she gets the struggles. She can empathize better than someone without physical obstacles, even if hers don't completely limit socialization. It does hinder her social life in one way though: for obvious reasons she's not too into TV and movies, and so many people's get-togethers center on those activities. So she, sadly, understands social exclusion too.

The last thing I'll say is that while some people have disappeared from my life, some who were peripheral acquaintances have become true friends because of my illness! My bestie started a GoFundMe for me a while back (and people were REALLY generous, so that was heartening), and this one acquaintance said she was available for rides to the doctor and such. It was really helpful because she works retail, so she's available during some business hours, and she doesn't have kids (though she's struggling with having to care for her mom; everyone has something, I think). I've started spending time with her, and she and her husband helped me move! I think I'll likely start to get closer with him too, which is awesome.

So I'd say if you are on social networking, reach out there. Some folks may pop up whom you never thought of. You also might find out some friends you're less close with are coping with similar challenges. It's also a good way to find local groups for your condition or chronic pain or illness in general. Oh! And check out Meet-Up and Craigslist for events and groups. You can find health-related groups there, but you may also find folks who are into things that are more accessible to you.

Direct message me if you'd like to talk! I've been there, and we all need people who Get It.

Oct 23, 2017 7:37 PM

I've also had this happen to me. I've been living with chronic pelvic pain ever since i had my daughter in 2011, and my husband and I have since divorced because he just didn't get it. I've had friends tell me that I'm just a shadow of who I used to me, that they can't count on me anymore, that I'll end up alone. I just wasn't fun anymore, and often had to cancel plans because like anyone living with chronic pain i have my good days and my bad days. And it's just impossible to know what kind of day tomorrow will be. Someone once told me that when you go through something as hard as this, look around to see who's still standing beside you. Those friends are real friends. They'll never judge you and they'll always be there to offer their support. There are also many support groups for people living with chronic pain, where you can meet people who understand what you're going through, which is extremely comforting. But know that you're not alone in this battle...good luck xo

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