Hey everyone! This is my first day on this app, I'm almost in tears being able to find a community that I can ask questions, comment, encourage and be encouraged.
I want to tell my story. It might be long but it will not be boring.
11 years ago on Feb 24. I, with 3 of my sisters (20yrs. 12yrs. 9yrs. 8yrs. Old) and my niece (2 yrs old) ( I have 11 siblings, 4 step sisters and 10 nieces/nephews)
This was the first time we had been allowed to see our 2nd Eldest sister in 5 years.
The 5 of us piled into the car, so excited to be on an adventure with our sister Trista (20yr). Half way down the dirt road she stops the car making sure all seat belts were on correctly. My sister Tam (8yr), siting in the middle seat, had not put hers on. We than had to tighten it to make it safe as she wanted the freedom to move how she pleased. We are all incredibly grateful for this moment.
We continued to the end of the road, getting ready to turn onto the highway.
I remember thinking how beautiful the snow was, the way it came hurtling down but so gentle at the same time. How it was almost impossible to see further than 10 feet in front of you. That in this perfect moment with Trista and Hannah in the front chatting away, Tamara beside me playing peek-a-boo with Kieannah, I felt so free and happy.
We turned onto the highway, I watched the field go by out the window, listening to the various conversations in the vehicle.
We had been on the highway for less than a minute when my world went black and quite.
I woke up, head still turned towards the window, being forced to lean forward. The drivers seat crushing my neck , my seat crushing from the other side and feeling the seat belt cut across my lap and chest.
I couldn't move. I could hardly breathe. I begged the paramedics not to touch me. I screamed for my sisters and cried for my mom. I blacked out several times between them extracting me from the vehicle and getting me prepped for the ambulance.
During the times I was awake, all I could see was the snow falling towards me and hear screaming and commotion through the ringing in my head.
I found out later on we had been rear ended THREE times by a 14 wheeler. The third impact sent us spinning off the road into a field, narrowly missing a telephone pole.
I woke up in the hospital in a neck brace, barely able to move.
We were being watched and protected that day. An Advanced life Support Ambulance had been on its way back to its home town after transporting a patient. They saw the whole accident.
I had no breaks or fractures but had severe whiplash. My sisters in the front seat suffered from whiplash and my 2 yr old niece from a broken foot.
My 8 yr old sister was in a comma for 3 days. Had it not been for that ambulance she would have drowned in the blood flooding her lungs.
At 9 years old, the night of the accident, I stood outside her hospital room begging for her life in exchange for mine. What was I going to do with out her?
11 years later the 5 of us share a bond that the rest of my family will not understand.
11 painful years later I have been diagnosed with Fibromyagia and hyperthyroidism, it slowly getting worse and more intense. Shortly after my diagnosis my relationship became abusive. He didn't want to take care of me. Despite me still doing most everything (from working to taking care of the place) in his eyes I became weak, pathetic. Soon I was b**ch or sl*t. It became a game for him to see how long it would take until I cried and couldn't take anymore. I couldnt do anything right. He often told me maybe if I cried and begged he would stop (nope.) During our year long relationship my health plummeted. I went from being able to work 10 hr shift (not with out stuggle or pain of course) to barely being able to work 6-8hours and now on medical leave.
It's been 1 week since a few of my friends and family helped me pack up and move while he was at work.
My pain level has been intense but my stress level is much lower.
I feel disconnected from my emotions.
This week I start my journey to manage the pain and to find myself.
I'm scared and I don't know where to start. But I do know that it's time learn to care for and love myself
I never knew how much it would hurt to have people tell me "There is a lot less of Bethany than there was last year. I want her back." But them never fully understanding why I'm not me anymore
How worn out I am. How lost I feel. How foggy my mind feels. How crippled my body feels from the pain.
I will be me again. One day.
Lost in Fibro World.