I no longer know what my future looks like. I cant compare what I have been picturing while pursuing my degree in accounting with the new reality of my life. I was diagnosed with RA last month. I'm only 20 and I just am so mad at the world right now.
I struggled with mental health growing up so I didn't get to have a typical childhood. For the last few years I had finally been in a great place. Going to community college, finding my career goals and myself. There were bumps in the road but I reached a place of complete happiness with myself and confidence for my future which was a new thing for me. To finally have my mental health issues under control after working SO HARD (therapy, medications, more therapy, life changes) and then be knocked down again is depressing.
I was also so proud because I am obese and this year I have been working hard to eat right and exercise and I have lost 30 lbs but now I just can't care enough to try hard to lose more weight (even though I have more to go). I was finally doing so good, I was so happy. I have been trying to hard to stay positive since midsummer when I started having a ton of joint pain but right now it is too hard.
Why is this happening to me?
Why couldn't the RA at least wait a bit so I could finish school first?
Why couldn't I just avoid it all together?
I feel that I've already lost my optimism and positivity. I hate that I'm more negative, grumpy, irritable, and crying. There will be days where I think it is getting better but the next day the pain comes back. I have lost the activities that I used to love so much. Adult paint by numbers, crochet, long hikes, sitting on the floor with my dog, being able to move quickly without regretting it, cutting up food for dinner, taking notes in class, the list goes on forever. I still do a few of these (writing in class is unavoidable) but I hate that it is not enjoyable and can be so painful.
It is so unfair that at 20 years old I have to slow down, right when I want to be speeding up. Its unfair that I know how to navigate the medical system, not just from my own issues but because my mom and grandma have had so many serious issues in the last year. It is unfair that I hear people at school talking about fun activities and all I say I'm doing it sleeping, resting, trying to get caught up on schoolwork. It is unfair that I can't and never will be able to be reckless, can't stay out late, my body is so exhausted. Can't ever go drink more than 1 drink, my RA medication is hard on the liver so alcohol is out. Can't be doing crazy activities, rock climbing, skydiving, who knows if I would have done those things but I just want the chance.
I never had the normal teenage year so I didn't get to do the normal teen things. I guess I felt like I was going to get some fabulous years in my 20s. But now I feel like I am having to skip my young adult life too.
I don't want to go from child to old lady. I feel like I am trying to find myself like any other 20 year old, but I don't know how. I am just grieving for the lose of my current & future life.
Thank you so much if you stayed and read this crazy long rant. It feels so good to let all of this out. Any advice or kind words are greatly appreciated.